3rd Block Comments by Alaina Feliks https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l Made with a quick smile en-us 2017-02-07 15:28:00 UTC 2017-02-08 13:13:12 UTC hello@padlet.com https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214786 I'd personally take out the swear words, it really undermines the details of your writing.]]> 2017-02-07 17:07:58 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214786 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214866 I think that you should avoid using you and try replacing them by showing and not telling. ]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:12 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214866 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214930 I wouldn't use "you" as often]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:23 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214930 I would keep the swear words because it gives you a better visual of what was going through your head when you fell down the stairs https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214978 2017-02-07 17:08:31 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214978 Lots of you's in a personal piece, I'd maybe use more I's and me's. boyll https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214995 2017-02-07 17:08:33 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214995 procj https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214996 Don't use you so much]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:33 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152214996 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215040 I would describe this story in first person since this is a personal experience]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:41 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215040 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215123 great use of imagery. give more detail about f]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:57 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215123 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215126 Slow down time a bit more, focus on the feeling of falling,]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:58 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215126 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215129 There is a few grammar mistakes and I think it could've been a little longer and more detailed.]]> 2017-02-07 17:08:58 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215129 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215134

]]> 2017-02-07 17:09:00 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215134 using you too much shorm https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215181 2017-02-07 17:09:09 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215181 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215208 Maybe add more details about when you fell.]]> 2017-02-07 17:09:17 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215208 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215384 give more detail about, falling other then that great imagery]]> 2017-02-07 17:09:43 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215384 You could probably accomplish the same writing without so much vulgarity. boyll https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215457 2017-02-07 17:09:56 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215457 kennymngr https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215485 A couple of the sentences feel like comma-splices in the second paragraph.

]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:00 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215485 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215510 You should add detail about when you were getting up. ]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:03 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215510 shorm https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215533 i like how they tell why they were so excited

]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:07 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215533 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215560 In the first paragraph, I liked how you used the metaphor saying that the air was electric ]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:11 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215560 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215565 Try more showing, less telling.]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:12 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215565 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215568 Go for a more show not tell

]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:12 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215568 https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215821 I think vulgarity is fine as long is it is in good taste. This my friend is pushing the envelope of tastefulness to indecency.
Luckily I see you as just before the line.

]]> 2017-02-07 17:10:51 UTC https://padlet.com/feliksa/h30zkk40j50l/wish/152215821