My happiness is a mask 

Its a cover for the depression i don't want to feel

Its a mask for the pain i can't go through again

I'm scared  

If the pain comes back 

Can I handle it ?

I might never know 

Do I even  want to know ?

This lifes so hard,

So cruel 

But i just can't leave 

If i do,

Who will i hurt 

Who will feel the same pain I feel?

Who will I hurt that cares?

Does anyone care?

Would anyone notice if i just disappeared 

I guess i'll never know 

Will my life get any better ?

Will the pain I feel ever leave?

Will my happiness ever be real again?

Maybe no one will ever know

Everyone says it’ll get better

But will it though

I don't think so 

But we’ll see

“Don't give up just keep fighting you'll get through it”

That's what they all say

Don't hurt yourself 

It doesn't help

Trust me

Iv tried it

As they say ”been there done it”

There's a constant war  that never rest

A  war that  can never seize

A war that keeps getting more soldiers and more ammo

And so much more motive 

The war is in my head and it just keeps raging 

it never sleeps

The two sides are too stubborn to surrender

The 2 demons burned their white flags 

Every night the generals holler their battle cries 

And the war gets blooder second by second by second

More blood drips down the rain drains that are my wrists 

Drip,drip, drip

It keeps dripping until i'm light headed

While the war is in my mind the effect show on my body in horrid scars 

All i want is this wrecked war to stop before it kills me but i think the only way to win the war is to nuke the battlefield  

The battlefield being my mind

My body

 And my soul

As in i'm fine with the pain 

I'm fine with the endless sadness 

I'm fine with the ability to not trust people 

I'm fine with staying up at night and sleeping during the day to avoid humanity 

I'm fine with wishing each breath was my last 

i'm fine with wishing each day was my last 

I AM FINE 

Trust me i am

Anorexia: it's not physical

Its mental 

Yes you physically throw up 

Yes you physically can't eat 

Yes you look in the mirror and see every single physical  imperfection 

But mentally you think your fat 

People call you ugly or fat 

They pull out all of your insecurities

They say “you eat way  to much”

When your barely eating and when you do eat  you can't hold it down

They say “your so skinny go eat a burger”

But at that point you can't  

You try but you end up with your head in the toilet pucking your guts out 

Thats the real life of anorexia

I bleed and i bleed and i bleed till it drys

I bleed because of my captor

She wont let me go 

She has tied me to the altar of my mind

And i can escape

All I can do it is let her torment me

 and cause me scars

And to shed more blood

She ties me down and takes over my body as i scream and fight 

She is just waiting for me to submit but i fail

She only unties me when i have no energy 

When im free she beckons me deep in to my mind

I follow her i know i shouldnt shes just luring me down to her torcher chambers but i go

When she takes me again when i'm all alone 

 she knocks me out and when i come to

I bleed so much i cry terrified

  i think its my day to die

But i never do my captor makes sure to make me bleed just enough 

To torcher my body but she will never let me free

I will forever  bleed and live in torment