Suicidal Thoughts by Biggie Smalls, written in 1994, has many attributes that resonate with my life. The song starts with Biggie dialing a number in the middle of the night. His friends pick up and start questioning why he is calling so early. An eerie, dissonant, unnerving organ sample slowly rings beneath the friend's voice. Biggie’s voice emerges from the eerie sample, andaining his feelings and thoughts. He starts explaining the undesirable memories that are keeping up and his desire to end his life because of the mental turmoil. During the song, Biggie says, “I feel like death is f**** callin' me,” which confirms his suicidal idealization. Biggie can't believe he is resorting to suicide, but he understands why he wants to end it all. He even goes as far as to say that he wants to go to hell because he has fallen in love with all his vices. Biggie believes his friend won't understand, and the lyrics become darker. He starts exploring his different relationships and fails to find his value within them. This unhealthy introspection pushes him to commit suicide, and the song ends with a gunshot. His friend is exclaiming in fear that his friend indeed committed suicide as he yells, “YO BIG, YO BIG!”. This song resonates with me because I struggled with these unfavorable thoughts. When talking to friends, it can be challenging for them to understand how you could genuinely result in the decision. However, a lack of understanding causes more confusion for the suffering individual. The confusion mixed with the hostility of people's disapproval can make it seem like suicide is the right option. The song directly represents this as he tries to explain his feelings. However, he cannot understand as it is such an extreme mindset. It took me a long time to reframe my cognitive dissonance revolving around suicide, but knowing that another person has felt similarly allows for a sense of comfort. Biggie gave me a sense of reality that other rappers thought would not be popular. This song was a risky song that could have caused backlash. However, I believe the song is relatable and popular. 

Furthermore, He tries to appease the suffering by allowing himself to feel the broad spectrum of emotions encompassed in the unfortunate experiences he is subjected to within his mind. He pleads out in agony for some form of relief, but the unending mental torment causes him to suffer eternally. His failure to recognize it is the only thing keeping him alive. If he acknowledges the never-ending loop, he will commit suicide. The inability to perceive his internal suffering is keeping him alive. 

Additionally, it strengthened my emotions toward death, which allowed me to stay strong. A line that I resonate with is Lil kims chorus which says, “Yo it’s the real shit, shit to make you feel shit, thump him in the club shit, have him Wildin out when you bump this. Drugs to your eardrum, the raw uncut, have an [Blank] OD ‘cause its never enough” (Lil Kim, Quiet Storm by Mobb Deep, 1:25-1:44) This chorus can directly relate to the rush of narcotics being so intense that body cannot physically get enough of it. The pleasurable desire is created, satisfied, and created simultaneously. This leads to the endless cycle of narcotic abuse until the inevitable death of the individual. In these instances of OD, it was hard for me to understand how a substance can hijack the brain until I became older and more nuanced about substance abuse. 

Additionally, within a dream-like state, the level of awareness an individual possesses is variable. I have dreams where I could feel physical pain in an area that was damaged or broken. Putting myself back into that memory allowed me to envision the feeling of the person being represented in the song. The singer's cognitive dissonance is verbally apparent when the riff changes to a more dissonant melody. He falls deeper into a derealized state, which causes him to panic. This song reminds me of a high-anxiety environment that is chaotic and unorganized. Throughout my personal experience with anxiety, I learned that chaotic music helps alleviate the excess worry that appears in various social situations. This band and song, in particular, have allowed me to divert my focus from my issues and direct my attention to the topic. Many of their songs represent an organized chaos that always resolves equally, even in disorganization. The inability to predict the next part of a song yet knowing it will resolve cleanly gives me a sense of relief from my mental turmoil.