Children and anxiety

Anxiety fact sheet - Beyond Blue

Autism is a condition that affects how a person thinks, feels, interacts with others, and experiences their environment. It is estimated that 1 in 70 people are on the autism spectrum. 

It is a lifelong condition that starts when a person is born and stays with them into old age. Every Autistic person is different to every other. This is why autism is described as a ‘spectrum’. 

Understanding autism - fact sheet

The characteristics of autism are widely varied. Autism looks very different in different children.

From time to time, everyone feels depressed, but it usually doesn’t last. 

If left untreated it can have serious negative impacts on a child or young person’s wellbeing.

A diagnosis of depression is made only when the:

• depressed mood has lasted more than two weeks

• behaviour is seen in more than one situation (for example, at home and at school)

• symptoms are severe enough to limit the child or young person’s ability to cope with everyday situations or cause problems at home, at school and with friends.

Learn more about the different types of depression.

What signs should I look out for?

 

Depression is common but can often be missed in children and young people. When adults are depressed, feelings of sadness can be very obvious. 

But in children and young people, symptoms of depression can look more like irritability, sleep changes, loss of appetite or weight loss. 

Since the symptoms of depression in childhood are often negative behaviours (for example, irritability or whingeing), it’s easy for adults to feel annoyed and to blame or punish the child for their behaviour.

In adolescence, depression can be labelled as merely a ‘teenage problem’ – which can lead to other signs of depression being missed. 

Unlike adults, children and young people are often unable to explain how they’re feeling, especially when depressed.

 

A child or young person who is depressed may:

• be irritable, easily annoyed or upset

• seem sad and cry easily

• be difficult to engage and motivate

• have difficulty concentrating in class and completing their work

• seem withdrawn and have difficulty relating to peers and educators

• have low energy

• lose interest easily in an activity they usually enjoy

• have difficulty making decisions

• make a lot of negative comments about themselves

• look for what’s wrong rather than see the positives in situations

• be very difficult to please

• have trouble sleeping or want to sleep most of the day

• experience changes in weight (including both weight loss and gain)

• withdraw from peer group activities or social situations

Each child or young person will respond differently to a family break up, depending on many factors such as their personality, coping style, relationship with family members, how their family is coping and the messages they receive about the separation.  Children and young people from the same family may also respond differently. 

Look out for changes in their normal behaviours as a guide to understanding how individuals are coping and if they need additional support. 

Children 

Sometimes children talk about how they are feeling, but more often it comes out in their  behaviour. 

Changes you might notice include: 

• increased anxiety – for example, wanting to stay close to their families. 

• increased anger or conflict with others. 

• trying really hard to be good – for example a child  may be concerned about a family  member’s distress, or worry that if they misbehave, that the family member who has primary care of them will leave them too. 

• protectiveness toward one parent – blaming and rejecting the other. 

These are common reactions to the sense of loss and powerlessness that most children feel in these circumstances. Their feelings and reactions are likely to become more complicated when one or both parents start a new relationship. 

Young People 

During adolescence, young people are going through a lot of social, emotional and physical changes. 

Separation and divorce can complicate these normal ups and downs. It can be hard to know whether difficult behaviour is normal teenager behaviour or whether it’s a sign a young person is struggling with the separation. It could be a combination of both.  

Like children, young people may not be able to express in words their experiences or worries. 

Some signs that they may need extra support include:

• behaviour, mood or personality changes (for instance, getting angry, upset or tearful  more than usual.) 

• not wanting to be around family members 

• problems with their schoolwork 

• problems with sleep (reported to you or observed through excessive tiredness in class) 

• eating problems like binge eating or loss of appetite 

• losing interest in activities they usually enjoy 

• having problems with friends or peer groups 

• taking risks like challenging school rules,  shoplifting, graffiti, taking drugs or binge    drinking 

Tips for families 

Children and young people benefit when families:  

• reassure them often that they’ll will not lose the love and care of either parent. 

• try to maintain normal routines as much as possible, as this helps children and young people feel safer 

• understand and acknowledge that children and young people find it hard, and may react differently to other children in the family 

• provide extra support before and after contact visits to help children and young people settle 

• recognise that it’s likely to be difficult for children and young people when either parent starts a new  relationship 

• get support for themselves to help them manage the stress of separation

 • recognise that if there’s ongoing conflict and hostility between family members, it’s much harder for children and young people – that their well-being suffers and they’re more likely to  experience emotional or behavioural problems. 

• respect their need to continue their relationship with the other parent (unless it’s unsafe), as well as with extended family such as grandparents, and support them to do so 

• try to ensure that visits to the other parent are regular and predictable 

• avoid criticising the other parent to children and young people – conflict with the other parent should be addressed directly with them, and should not involve the child 

• allow older adolescents a more active role in the decision-making about their living arrangements. 

Thankfully, it doesn’t need to be that way. If you’re thinking about getting your child a smartphone this Christmas, here are five things you should consider:

1. Talk to your teen about the responsibility of owning a phone

For teens, a phone is a privilege, not a right. After all, every smartphone on the market today is hundreds of times more powerful than the computer that guided Apollo 11 to the moon. Alongside the ability for teens to freely text their friends, browse the web, and play mobile games comes the responsibility to make good choices online, even when they aren’t supervised. Parents should make clear that phones are neutral tools that can be used well or poorly. Children should leave the conversation confident their parents trust them, but also aware that it’s up to them to demonstrate that they deserve the privilege of having their own phone.

2. Establish clear boundaries at the beginning

NO DEVICES IN BEDROOMS OR BATHROOMS!!

For most families, it will be much easier to establish healthy tech boundaries right when their children first get a phone than to try to introduce them later, after problems arise. 

For example, parents can make clear rules against using phones right before bedtime or at the dinner table. If you explain boundaries like these up front and enforce them consistently, you will quickly form positive tech habits that can last for years.

3. Re-evaluate your own tech habits

Parents need to model healthy tech habits for their children. That might mean reassessing the times and places they use their own smartphones, since children learn from and mimic the behaviours of their parents. If you’re spending every free moment scrolling Instagram, your teen will notice and think they should be, too. Plus, it will be much easier to enforce reasonable rules for your son or daughter when it’s clear that you’re trying to follow them too. You’ll come across as an ally, rather than an enemy, who aspires to have the same kind of healthy relationship with your device that you expect of them.

4. Set up parental control software

Smartphones are incredibly powerful, and for teens, learning to use one safely is a lot like learning to drive a car. A teen’s first car can provide a life-changing sense of independence and autonomy. But, as we all know, cars can also be dangerous, even when they’re used correctly. No parent in their right mind would just give their car keys to their child without first teaching them to drive. Parents should approach new devices similarly. Trusting your children with a new device can be a gradual process that doesn’t need to feel like an all-or-nothing decision.

For example, before you give your teen their first device, you can set up a customised parental control app that filters explicit content and allows parents to block particular apps. On the modern internet, age-appropriate content is intermingled with harmful content, especially pornography. Sadly, too many children are now exposed to it before they turn thirteen. 

You can start with more safeguards, while your teen first gets used to their new smartphone, and gradually give them more independence as they begin to learn good habits and demonstrate responsible behaviour. With this approach, your teen’s phone can grow with them over time.

5. Set the stage for more conversations

For teens nowadays, getting their first smart device is a major milestone on the gradual journey toward becoming a responsible, well-adjusted adult. With every passing year, smart devices play a greater and greater role in adult life. For better or worse, it’s increasingly certain that many of their most meaningful personal and professional relationships will develop and take place partly online, mediated by a screen.

For your teen, getting familiar with their first smart device is just the beginning of a much longer learning process. As they spend more time online and encounter unfamiliar people and new situations, they will undoubtedly have many questions. In preparation for this, you should let your teen know that you are always available to talk, no matter the topic. It’s especially important to emphasise to them that if anything that happens online makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it’s best to tell you about it right away, because you can help. That way, when uncomfortable topics like sexting and pornography (which, unfortunately, more and more children are exposed to every year) inevitably come up, they’ll feel comfortable going to you first for advice and guidance.

It’s worth mentioning that getting a new smart device is almost as significant of an event for parents as it is for children. Don’t worry if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed by the prospect of your child having free rein over their very own device – that’s totally normal. After all, you’re part of the first generation of parents ever to navigate this particular set of challenges. Unlike with other aspects of parenting, there’s no tried and true established wisdom to guide parents on how to best handle their child's developing tech habits. And on top of that, technology trends change so quickly that parents often feel they have no chance of keeping up. By the time they finally learn how Snap-chat works, for example, their children have moved on.

Fortunately, you don’t have to do everything perfectly to make a positive difference. Think of your teen’s first device as an opportunity for you to grow and learn as a parent, much like it is for your son or daughter. And remember that you’re not alone in this – many other parents with children of similar age are asking the same questions, struggling with the same decisions, and having the same doubts. Sharing your tech journey with other like-minded families can help both parents and children feel supported and encouraged. For parents, it’s reassuring to share thoughts and concerns and ask for advice from other parents with similar values. Your children will feel more confident and 'normal' when they know their peers’ families approach technology the same way their own does. Big challenges, like learning how to help the next generation live well with tech, are best addressed in community.

The bottom line is that as long as you approach the situation thoughtfully, with clear goals and a willingness to learn, there is a way forward. When it comes to helping children learn to flourish with technology, even when you’re not perfect, you can have a huge positive impact on your own children's’ lives and on your community.

Sean Clifford is a father of four and the founder and CEO of Canopy.

When children are protected from failing or being disappointed – regardless if this comes from a place of love – it will come at a cost later in life when a moment of challenge or setback arrives (and it will).

Joe Brumm, the creator and animator of the award winning Australian children’s television show Bluey created an episode about the game of Pass the Parcel and the old vs new rules. 

The old rules of  Pass the Parcel means that there is only one winner. And learning what it feels like to lose or not get what you want is a part of becoming emotionally competent. To become emotionally buoyant we need to experience emotionally challenging moments, especially when we are younger before the limbic brain grows to be more influential.

Maggie shares why modelling failure and helping our kids embrace failure, especially in the early years will set positive foundations for how to cope with failure and build resilience not only in adolescence but in adulthood too. Maggie shares examples of games you can play to help practice failing with grace and grit.

Credit https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/the-secret-to-raising-resilient-kids-embrace-failure/

Just like us, they crave the feeling of being part of a tribe. Having a group that they can identify with and that makes them feel like they belong is powerful. But to find out tribe, we need to know something about ourselves. It's not easy to just walk out the door and find where you fit in, especially for kids. It involves knowing who you want to be. 

Kids can get so excited -- or so deeply anxious - prone -- about their friends, being popular, and the quality of their relationships that they can easily forget who they really are in their quest to be more like everyone else. 

It pays to encourage some quiet introspection where your kids ask themselves the following two crucial questions:

* Do I like myself when I'm around these people? 

*Do I feel like I'm being true to who I am when I'm around these people? 

When your child answers yes to these questions they're probably with their tribe. 

If they answer no, our compassion and support are important as they consider how to extricate themselves from less healthy relationships and move towards better ones.

On this podcast by Justin and Kylie Coulson from Happy Families, they talk and share some powerful advice for when your daughter is dealing with "mean girls" or caught in a toxic friendship group.

Podcast - https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast/episode/964-what-to-do-about-mean-girls?ts_post_id=87997&ts_track_num=1

Frustration tolerance refers to a person's ability to withstand or cope with frustrating or challenging situations without becoming overwhelmed or reacting impulsively. 

It involves managing emotions, maintaining composure, and problem-solving effectively when faced with obstacles or setbacks. 

People with high frustration tolerance can stay focused, persistent, and adaptable in the face of difficulties, while those with lower tolerance may struggle more to regulate their emotions and behaviours in such situations.

It can be hard to manufacture opportunities to increase frustration tolerance for our kids when the world they have grown up in has been designed to alleviate frustration at every turn. 

So we need to allow them to lean into frustration wherever possible.

Here's just a few ideas on how we can do that: 

Errand Time: Take them along for boring errands. Waiting in line at the store or sitting through appointments can teach them patience and how to handle waiting without getting too frustrated. WITHOUT SCREENS!

Puzzle Challenges: Work on puzzles or problem-solving activities together. This helps them practice perseverance and finding solutions when faced with challenges.

Board Games: Play board games that require waiting for their turn. This can teach them patience, turn-taking, and how to manage frustration when things don't go their way.

Art Projects: Engage in art projects that may not turn out perfectly. This teaches them that mistakes are okay and helps them develop resilience when things don't go as planned.

Outdoor Exploration: Encourage outdoor exploration and activities that might involve unexpected challenges, like building a fort or exploring nature. This helps them adapt to changing situations and learn to overcome obstacles.

One of the toughest parts of parenting is watching our kids struggle and fail. Even though we know that they are learning to navigate these difficult moments, it can still be really hard. Every part of our being wants to rush in and fix the problem, cheer them up or minimise their struggle.

In my Exploring Children’s Anxiety seminar, I share the danger of avoidance when our kids meet a challenge no matter how logical it may sound. When your child is struggling to go on the soccer field, or into the dance studio or birthday party they were really excited about, often we can think they are not ready for that and it is just simply too hard. This is especially true when we are offering wonderful encouragement, but they are still reluctant. Rather than avoidance of the activity though, we can validate that they are finding it hard, and then we suggest they do just one step towards braveness. “I am here and I want you to just run out on the field (or dance studio or birthday party) for two minutes! If you are still feeling uncomfortable, you can come back to me and we will leave.”

When a child says, “I can’t do it” or “it’s too hard,” remember the magic of the word ‘yet.’

“I know you are finding this hard and yes it’s frustrating when we can’t do something we want to do, but I want you to remember the word ‘yet’. No one can do anything complicated the first time. No one can cross the long monkey bars the first time. No one can ride a bike without training wheels the first time. However, with practice, they gradually get better. So, it’s not that you won’t ever be able to do it – it’s that right at this moment – you are finding it hard and you can’t do it YET.”

The very best way that we can help our children stretch and grow is through safe, meaningful relationships. The safer they feel, the more likely they will respond to us and the more energy they will have in their nervous system, to stretch and be brave. One of the best ways of doing this in the busyness of life, especially for working families, is to create pockets of joy when you can.

Children are way more capable than the modern world gives them credit for and by giving them life skills and competence (especially in how they move their body or how they sing or dance), we can build an inner sense of self that then creates confidence and genuine self-worth. So, mums and dads, take more deep breaths and encourage those tiny steps of bravery so that one day, they will be brave enough to leave home and live their own lives.

https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/avoiding-safetyism/?utm_source=Maggie%27s+mailing+list&utm_campaign=5368d53936-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2024_05_30_11_15&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a8ec9d9d01-5368d53936-252673130&goal=0_a8ec9d9d01-5368d53936-252673130&mc_cid=5368d53936&mc_eid=0a4b9e8cf7

The gift of a strong parent–child relationship

Parents or carers that are loving, caring and available provide support, scaffolding, protection and comfort to their kids. These interactions buffer children from developmental setbacks and foster the ability to bounce back from obstacles. The more loved and supported your child feels, the more resilience they will build.

The gift of developing strengths

One of the best things for promoting resilience is having the belief that we are competent and able to face difficult challenges. We can help our children develop those skills by helping them find their strengths.  Using strengths builds wellbeing and makes people more resilient.

The gift of autonomy

Controlling our kids makes them anxious. And constantly making decisions for our kids, or ‘fixing’ things, undermines their decision-making skills, their confidence and their resilience. Instead, we should encourage our kids to make decisions and act for themselves in a way that is in line with their values (and hopefully ours!). When kids feel safe and supported, and are given choice and responsibility, they build resilience.

The gift of hope

‘Hope-less kids just give up. We can teach our kids to be hope-ful. Help them find a goal and develop the plans and routes to achieve that goal. When they get stuck, teach them to tap into their resourcefulness and initiative by brainstorming new ideas and seeking new skills.

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In the past decade though, a new task has been added to our digital generation: modeling healthy screen time habits. Phones and devices have quickly become an absolute necessity in our society, and though kids are usually eased into them, it’s important for young people to learn how to use them responsibly and in a healthy way. There’s no better way for parents to instill these values than by setting a good example to follow. 

Toddlers 

Limit screen time to less than one hour per day. 

2 to 5 years

Limit screen time to one hour per day (three hours on weekends) of high-quality programming, and watch it together to help them understand what they are seeing. 

6 years and older

Make consistent limits on the amount of time spent on devices and watching screens, and ensure screen time doesn't interfere with adequate sleep, physical activity, and their social life. Screen time habits are super important as you head into the teenage years. The older kids get, the more they’ll need screens to communicate, do school work, get driving directions, and more. 

Ways Parents Can Model Screen Time Habits

Deprioritise your phone

We know — this one’s going to be easier said than done, especially if you’re a working parent with a demanding job. And sometimes you’re going to just need a phone break to decompress. It’s okay! We all do.

But there are small ways you can silently show your child that your life doesn’t completely revolve around checking work emails, scrolling Instagram, and shopping on Amazon. 

• Try not keep it in your hand all of the time

• Don’t always instantly reach for it whenever there’s a quiet moment (like during a commercial or standing in line at the bank)

• If you’re on your phone when your kid asks a question, set it down and look your child in the eye when you respond. (This applies to the first 5 questions — we know that kids can ask a lot of questions sometimes).

• Manage your notifications by turning off non-urgent alerts, like for social media.

Keep certain times sacred

This goes for yourself as well as your children — designate daily times when phones are to be left behind. Think dinner time, the hour before bed, or on the commute to school. When you create these tech-free periods, you’ll notice more opportunities for meaningful conversations and undistracted family bonding.

Demonstrate balance between real-life & digital activities

There’s no denying that screens are important to modern life and that they can be useful, informative, and entertaining. But there’s more to life than digital engagement, and you can set a good example for your kids by having non-screen-related hobbies and activities you enjoy. Make sure your family knows how important things like reading, exercise, gardening, sports, volunteering, and other pursuits (anything you love, really!) are to a healthy life.

Create tech-free zones in the house

One of the most important things for parents to understand, is that there are no good reasons for kids to have screens in bedrooms or bathrooms. You could even make up your own rules, too — like no devices in the family room on movie night. This just helps make the time you spend together more deliberate and distraction free as you build up healthy screen time habits.

https://www.bark.us/blog/healthy-screen-time-habits/

1) For the full article, click here - https://bit.ly/4bOyIVK

2) If you or someone you know is bullied, this article gives you some tips on how to deal with bullying: https://bit.ly/3V6WWF4. 

Dolly's Dream also offers a 24/7 free support line with access to qualified counsellors, just call 0488 881 033 or visit dollysdream.org.au/what-we-do/support-line to WebChat.

3) For additional resources about bullying, visit Dolly's Dream Parent Hub - http://bit.ly/3SDsHml

Australian young people describe body image as one of their top five personal concerns. It’s estimated about 28% of males and 35% of females ages 11-24 years are dissatisfied with their appearance.

Body image may be positive and include feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, appreciation and acceptance of our body. It could be negative and include feelings of unhappiness, dissatisfaction and criticism of how we look. Of course, it may also be somewhere in between at any given time.

Our body image is influenced by many factors such as our self-esteem and social/cultural factors, especially the extent to which a person feels pressured to conform to appearance ideals (for example, thin or muscular).

Having a positive body image helps children and young people feel good about themselves and supports their mental health and wellbeing.

People with a positive body image are more likely to think about what their body can do and do things they enjoy – playing sport, climbing trees or walking the dog – rather than focusing on how their body looks. They are also more likely to look after their body in other ways, such as eating a balanced diet and having a positive relationship with food.

Positive sense of self

Children and young people with a positive body image might not necessarily be satisfied with their appearance, but their self-worth is not defined nor determined by the size, shape or appearance of their body.

Instead, they concentrate on their personal strengths and qualities that are not appearance- based. This way of thinking supports healthy self- esteem and healthy lifestyle behaviours.

Negative thoughts can lead to increased vulnerability

It’s common for people of all genders, ages, ethnicities, abilities, body sizes and shapes to have negative thoughts and feelings about their appearance or be dissatisfied with the way their bodies look. Children and young people experiencing poor body image are more vulnerable to developing unhealthy behaviours associated with food and exercise.

Learn more in the Be You Fact Sheets about how learning communities can promote positive body image and understanding disordered eating.

Dr Billy (a developmental pediatrician at The Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne) and Nick (a developing parent) are a couple of dads having honest discussions about parenting day to day.

These guys use iconic TV and cinema scenes from the 80's & 90's to give context to Billy's parenting advice. 

This link will take you to their website where there are varying parenting topics to explore! 

Popculture Parenting. Happy listening!

The Covid pandemic and the rise of social media are partly to blame. But this anxious generation has been decades in the making.

A tragedy in three acts.

American Psychologist Johnathan Haidt describes Childhood Anxiety as a tragedy in three acts. 

Act 1, a breakdown in local communities, began in the 1960s, which led to Act 2, the reduction in play-based childhood that began in the 1980s. This reduction accelerated in the 1990s and 2000s as children moved indoors and away from unsupervised play.

In the 2010s, Act 3 began with the widespread use of smartphones and the increase in screen-based childhoods. Children spent more time indoors, glued to screens, which decreased their engagement in physical risk-taking activities. This also meant they missed out on the psychological benefits that come from facing and overcoming risks.

Additionally, children's resilience declined, and fear became more prevalent as children overestimated danger and underestimated their ability to cope. It became normal for children to catastrophize.

What doesn’t overcome anxiety.

Before we look at solutions to the anxiety epidemic that’s plaguing families and schools, let’s look at what doesn’t work. First, it’s crucial to acknowledge that anxiety is incredibly hard to manage.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety for a long time, I can attest that some days you win the battle, but the war still rages in the background. 

Avoidance

People with anxiety are essentially battling against evolutionary forces that are designed to keep us safe. When we encounter a spider, our bodies react the same way as they would if facing a lion, tiger, or any other predator. This fight-or-flight response has been essential for human survival, but it doesn't distinguish between different types of threats. As a result, we react in a similar manner to all perceived dangers; whether it's a predator, a spider, or giving a speech, we avoid them.

But avoidance is a mirage. A child may feel temporary relief from anxiety by not going to a birthday party, but those anxious feelings will return when the next party invitation arrives.

Distraction

You can distract a child from his worries for a limited time, but they will return. Anxious thoughts keep coming back because nature designed them to be "sticky". Your ancestors wouldn't have survived those predators if they lost focus and forgotten them. The evolutionary survival mechanism means those anxious thoughts will keep returning.

Exposure

The gradual exposure therapy, which involves gradually exposing children to the things they fear, is effective. However, it is quite challenging to implement. Camilo Ortes, a well-known clinical psychologist specializing in childhood anxiety, reports that many therapists are reluctant to use this therapy because it initially intensifies anxiety before helping to reduce it. As a parent and teacher-administered intervention, exposure therapy is out of the question.

What will overcome anxiety.

Imagine a solution to childhood anxiety that leverages exposure theory and is enjoyable for kids. It sounds too good to be true, but it’s not.

The solution is to give kids a mega-dose of childhood independence through play, exploration, and greater freedom. Before I explain how that works, it’s important to acknowledge three obstacles that have emerged in recent decades. First, parents spend more time with their children than ever before. Second, children are taking fewer risks. Third, children play less with each other than in the past.

These three reasons together have contributed to plummeting independence. Less independence is at the heart of childhood anxiety.

How Independence works.

Independence reduces anxiety by exercising many of the psychological muscles needed to counteract anxiety. Most importantly, it builds confidence by exposing individuals to real-life situations unrelated to their fears. For example, if someone is afraid of the dark, they could be asked to walk to the shop to get some milk.

Overall, exposure to new situations involving challenges helps build resilience, confidence, resourcefulness, flexibility, and the ability to take smart risks.

Full article here

We have good intentions, life gets in the way, and doing a job yourself is easier. After all, this way, you can avoid an argument and ensure that the job is done well, right?

As a teenager told her father when he asked for help, “You’ve done pretty well without my help until now. Why do you suddenly want me to help now that I’m fourteen?”

Yikes!

But Ms 14-year-old has a point.

The key to independence-building in kids is to start young with small tasks and build from there.

Where to start?

In the spirit of building autonomy, here are twenty tasks that children could and should do for themselves by age ten.

20 jobs kids should do before they turn 10.

1. Get themselves up in the morning using an alarm.

2. Pack their own school bag each morning.

3. Make telephone calls about simple requests, such as asking if a store has an item in stock.

4. Look after the rubbish, including putting bins outside, emptying rubbish and recycling.

5. Prepare healthy snacks before, during and after school.

6. Make their own breakfast.

7. Cook one evening meal a week.

8. Walk to the shops on their own.

9. Tidy their own bedroom and make their bed.

10. Clean their part of the house, including tidying, sweeping and vacuuming.

11. Keep clothes and shoes clean including using a washing machine and an iron. At the very least, put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

12. Care for personal items such as toys, technology, sports and leisure equipment.

13. Take messages to school, including delivering excursion notes and other important messages to the front office.

14. Take responsibility for personal hygiene, such as brushing teeth, bathing, and keeping their face and hands clean.

15. Feed and look after pets on a regular basis.

16. Pack and unpack the family dishwasher or, alternatively, wash and dry the dishes by hand.

17. Prepare the weekly family chores roster.

18. Choose clothing each day within suitable limits.

19. Make their own in-store purchases and shop for some personal items.

20. Manage their own simple expenditures such as lunch money, entertainment expenses and personal items.

Dear Dr Justin,

Please help! We are really struggling with our daughter’s stubbornness.

When boundaries are set, she reacts by screaming and outright refusing to listen. When we try to use the Three E’s to understand her perspective and give her some autonomy, she becomes defensive, avoids communication, and says she wants to be left alone.

What else can we do when Explain, Explore, and Empower aren’t working? 

Sincerely,

Desperate Parent

It’s rare to find a parent who hasn’t experienced the joys and challenges of raising a stubborn child. The irony is, though, that many parents are just as inflexible as their kids, particularly when it comes to challenging behaviour from their children. We don’t like it, and we want it to stop. Now!

Often, when a child is upset, sad, or challenged, their thinking can become inflexible, rigid, or avoidant. As that occurs, you’ll find that they’re not open to hearing what you have to say. Their mindset is fixed, and they cannot be swayed. We say that they’re being “stubborn.”

It sounds like this is where you are currently with your child—they have their fingers in their ears, yelling “lalalala” while you try to logically point out where they’ve gone wrong. Your child won’t hear it. They’re convinced that they’re right. They might have been upset, but they are making it clear that they don’t want your help.

This is infuriating for us as parents because we have answers! We can help! We can fix this!   Here's How!!

Yet, with great devices come great responsibilities. As parents and caregivers, you have a unique opportunity to set the stage for healthy and responsible tech use from the very beginning. 

Setting Up the Device Together 

Make the initial setup a shared experience. Sit side by side and walk through the settings together, enabling parental controls, filtering content, and discussing privacy features. You might say, “Let’s make sure this is safe and fun for you,” as you guide them in selecting age-appropriate apps and disabling unnecessary features like chat options for younger users. By creating a family account, you ensure transparency and oversight building trust through teamwork. 

Together, agree on a few simple family rules:

• No screens during meals.

• No devices in bedrooms.

• A nightly shutdown time to prioritise rest. 

Frame these as opportunities to connect, not just restrictions. For example, suggest screen-free moments like board game nights or family walks to stay close. You also create a safe space for your child to share if something upsetting happens online. Normalise tough conversations early 

“If you ever see something that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsure, let’s talk about it together. There’s nothing we can’t figure out.” 

These open-ended tech talks foster ongoing dialogue and build trust, ensuring your child feels supported as they navigate the digital world. 

Modelling Healthy Tech Habits 

Children learn more from what they see than what they hear. As your child explores their new device, be mindful of your own tech use. When they look up, let them see you engaged in non-digital activities like reading, cooking, or playing with them. Or even show them what you are doing if you are using your device like "I am just paying the phone bill" so they can see the device being used as a tool. Turn screen time into shared time by co-playing their favourite game, exploring an educational app together, or working on creative projects. By showing balance and intention in your own habits, you demonstrate that technology is a tool not a distraction. 

Incorporating Mindfulness 

Amid the holiday excitement, take small moments to pause and reflect with your child. Before they dive into their new gadget, you could say: “Let’s think about how this device can make our lives better.” Encourage breaks during screen time to check in on how they’re feeling. 

Simple mindfulness practices like a breathing exercise or journaling about what they’re grateful for can help them develop a thoughtful relationship with technology. These moments of reflection promote balance and self-awareness. 

Preparing for Challenges 

Challenges are inevitable. Perhaps your child resists shutting down their device at the agreed time. Instead of frustration, approach it with empathy: “I know it’s hard to stop when you’re having fun, but let’s figure this out together.” 

When accidents happen like a misplaced device or a cracked screen treat it as a teachable moment about responsibility. Involve your child in problem-solving or contributing to repairs. These situations help them develop accountability and resilience. 

Making Tech Part of the Bigger Picture 

As the novelty of the gadget fades, guide your child in discovering its full potential.Encourage creative and educational uses, such as: 

• Exploring apps to make music, design art, or learn coding. 

• Video chatting with grandparents or friends to nurture connections. 

Balance screen time with offline adventures whether it’s outdoor play, board games, or family outings. Show that the device can be a bridge to creativity and connection, not a barrier. 

Staying Involved 

Always, check in: “How’s it going with the new iPad?” This keeps the door open for ongoing conversations about their experiences both good and challenging. 

Stay informed about app updates, emerging risks, and new parental controls to ensure the device remains safe and functional. By staying involved, you help the gadget remain a source of growth and joy instead of conflict. 

Wrapping Up 

Gifting a device is more than handing over a box with a bow; it’s an opportunity to guide your child in building a healthy, balanced relationship with technology. To set the stage for success, consider including a written use guideline with the gift. Together, outline key rules like screen time limits, tech-free zones, and approved apps. 

Through open conversations, clear boundaries, and shared experiences, you’re giving your child more than just a gadget. You’re equipping them with the tools to navigate the digital world with confidence, creativity, and care not just this holiday season, but for years to come.

 If you’re unsure, we’ve got something that can help you make a more informed decision while keeping the conversation open and honest with your child. Inside our Safe on Social Parent Resource, our new year long online library for parents, we have included our self-assessment tools they are a quick, easy way to see if your child is truly ready for a smartphone. And it’s reusable for any new app or device.

But that's not all! For only $49+gst Until Feb 1st (after that the price goes up to $250+gst) you can get immediate access to value packed resources created with parents in mind as well as new monthly resources and videos added starting in January.

What’s Included: 

• Monthly Video Updates: Stay ahead of the latest online trends with fresh parent specific videos launching in January and being added monthly. 

• App Guides: Insights into the platforms your kids love, like Snapchat and Telegram. 

• 50+ Cheat Sheets: Covering everything from managing screen time to handling cyberbullying. 

• Practical Tools: Easy-to-use worksheets for key decisions like when to give your child their first device. 

If you've ever felt out of depth in the world of social media or want to navigate this new world with an approach that helps you understand all the apps, games, trends and more this product is for you.

For a limited time, this program designed for personal use within your home is available for just $49 + GST. 

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I hope this helps you make a thoughtful decision this holiday season! If you have any questions or need more support, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Best, 

Kirra & Safe on Social Team