Today, I tried something new. Something out of my comfort zone. I thought at the end of the day, it would make me feel better but all I feel right now is disappointment. Why does it always feel like I could've done much better?

But also, I feel proud of myself for trying so no matter what the outcome might be, all that matters is I still tried.

I am in so much pain and even myself can't understand why I am feeling this way. I fee longing, sadness, disappointment, and craving for a better tomorrow.

To everyone who also feels this way, I hope we can find our answers soon and not give up. Don't get tired of yourself and give yourself a break too.

Recently I've been feeling nothing but drained, I've been really disappointed with my academics and actually mas mataas yung grades ko now compared to last year so i don't know why I'm disappointed. I really can't tell anyone not because i don't have the courage but i can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling despite the fact that I'm supposed to be good at putting my feelings into words as an experienced public speaker. It's as if i can't think of any proper reason as to why I'm feeling this way. Most would say that i can't be feeling this way because other people would do anything to get to where i am but i can't help but chase for more especially when i know there are more to chase in my life. I know i seem like i already have everything; I'm not ugly, I'm a consistent honor student, class officer, student leader, journalist and i can make my own income through my own passion. Sounds like i live in cloud 9, don't i? But putting academic pressure aside, i've recently experienced being catcalled. And way back, i have experienced sexual abuse. There's not a day that goes by where i don't feel disgusted by my own body. There's not a day that goes by where i shower, scrubbing every inch of my body hoping the feeling of being touched would disappear along with the fear of being touched again. I can't bring myself to tell the entire experience but to anyone that understands it, I wish you the best in fighting that battle.

Recently i came to the conclusion that maybe I should listen to what others say, maybe i just need "God" to feel happy. But it didn't work, I've been going to church twice a week for a few months now and instead of healing, my situation is getting worse. I'm not doubting God but if God really cares about me, why would he put me through this? This is not a character development i needed, I'm really at the edge right now.

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I failed to take my life earlier this morning, October 19, 2024 by trying to overdose but i ended up vomiting everything down. That's my 4th failed attempt. Everyone talks about how terrible it is to go through something that pushes you to commit suicide but I've never heard anyone talk about how miserable it feels to wake up after a failed attempt, especially having to interact with people like nothing happened. It's like the guilt will slowly eat me alive every single time i think about it. But even though the guilt from my former attempts is still lingering in my mind, i can't help myself but hope the next one succeeds.

I don't know how to tell anyone so I'll just put this here. If ever anyone recognizes me somehow. Please keep your mouth shut and let me keep my dignity. Thank you.