Writing and language are the establishment. So writing and language cannot be truly queered. There are no queer stories. So I can stop trying now. 

And the absence of my story will accurately reflect the absense of my attractions. 

Then again, I have blips of tertiary, third rank or below attractions. 

So by this logic, I am permitted blips of genuine queer storytelling. 

Shall I spend a blip now?

How do I genuinely express myself through story, when the stories I enjoy may not be in sync with a life I would enjoy?

How do I even begin to write queerness with the weight of inevitably offending a sect of my community, of explaining the basics to those who don’t know in an incredibly clear way yet also erasing no one, and also not taking so much time on the page that it swallows up the story or turns away my target audience by explaining concepts they are already privy to?

Is it not possible to be genuine? Is it not possible to sit and write and pour myself as I am onto the page, because I do not know who I am, do not know how I feel, and therefor cannot accurately enscribe that which I start out not knowing. 

There is a quote, by whom I do not recall, perhaps einstein or someone of that caliber: something about writing to figure out what you think. 

I think I am afraid to pour my aromanticism on to the age for observation by myself and others. Afraid that enscribing creates a permanence, a commitment that that is an accurate telling of who you are in this moment, that your perception of who you are, or simply who you are, will not be in flux tomorrow or next year. That you could come back to the enscription years hence and be confused by this present-moment you. The pain of confusing others would compound in on itself if your future self were to be confused and feel alien toward the ingenuine-genuine expression of yourself in this moment. 

It is safest then, to keep all ponderings and daydreams in the ephemeral. 

For if I do not commit to the screen or the page what my character says when offered a hug or a QPR or escape. Then I through my character have not commited to being the type of person who has clear opinions and desires in response to dating-adjacent stimuli. Then I, without my character, will not have explored what I may or may not or in this moment never again or ingenuously desire. 

Or, worst of all, perhaps I desire nothing. Perhaps no form of intimacy or connection would boost my purpose and sustainable happiness. 

Perhaps I am truly on my own to carve out why I am here and make being here sufficiently pleasant. 

Perhaps that is not so terrible as I believe three sentences ago. Perhaps I am stronger in that skillset than I presume. 

Perhaps the most genuine expression of my ingenuine unknown self, is for the character to choose no one. To reject partnering and commitment. To seek only fleeting connection and get their social fix from acquaintances of similar interest. 

Perhaps I must accept a betrayal of the reader, who will have come to see connection, expect connection, and in having the character exploring connection and intimacy, the reader will expect a progression. 

But my truth, genuine or dis- I know not, my current understanding of my truth, is that I must betray the reader to allow the me as I know myself in the moment to breathe. 

 And, as I myself share the expectation and desire of the reader, I betray myself.

Char.