- the sentences aren't linked very well

- the main point of the paragraph is very unclear

- information overload!!!!! Too many stats and not enough analysis of the stats!!

- opening sentence should just introduce topic ( shouldn't really contain stats)

- last sentence is ok- needs more of these

Too many stats

- Talks first about Campbelltown then moves out to Australia

- Good spelling

- Too many facts, without elaboration

- Two ideas in the paragraph, should focus on one idea per paragraph

The main point is at the end of the paragraph rather than at the beginning

Facts are not linked --> no logical progression of ideas

The topic sentence is too specific and is not a great overall summary of the information provided in the paragraph. The last sentence would be more appropriate for the topic sentence.

Contribution on point. (p.s I luv Brazil)

too many stats

no justification for the stats

not baaaaaad but it is problematic isn't it?

Needs to break it up no one likes too much information

- where Campbelltown is in relation to NSW

- evidence to support it

- maybe future projections

- why is this a problem

- what could be done

Issues: Income, educational attainment, type of occupation & unemployment

Ageing population, lifestyle diseases = demand for health care

Talk about the above topics in a bit more depth

- future of healthcare in Campbelltown

- How Campbelltown ranks

- And why it ranks in that position

- How this is relevant to healthcare

- Compare this to rest of Australia

- What this means for the future/what needs to be done