I struggle to let my defenses down despite fully comprehending my wrongdoings. I even have trouble apologizing.

I honestly hate who I am. I really want to change, but I’ve been like this for years until I came to this realization

Anyone who finds this and is willing to listen, contact me @jahrjduska on instagram. I don’t want to impose “unsolicited” burden on my friends.

1. Why do I get so tense when I talk to someone. My voice get shaky, my legs shake, I shiver even when the room isn’t cold. I think of myself as an outgoing person. I get along with people pretty well; I like to converse with people who I’m not too familiar with.

   So why? Why do feel like I’m under pressure?

Story: I was in the cafeteria with a close friend of mine, reviewing previous topics for her upcoming final. When we started to talk about our hobbies, our lives, our relationships, I started to feel tense. I felt so pathetic for feeling that way.

Ill just close it off for today

I don’t want to develop an eating disorder, but I want to be mindful of what’s going into my body.

I just want to isolate myself, but I also want to talk to someone about this. But then, would I be a burden? Should I just laugh everything off? I don’t know

I find solace in writing these entries. It somehow makes me feel better to know that there’s a platform where I can conveniently dump all of my feelings into it. It makes me feel like I’m not alone even though there’s no one here who looks at these. I guess that’s the essence. You’re alone but you don’t feel lonely??

Another friend told me I was a lifesaver. Since the beginning of the second semester, I’ve been recording lessons for her and helping her clear up misunderstandings.

My boyfriend loves me for always being by his side and for being there to listen to his problems.

When you mean so much to someone, would it be selfish to die? I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to give them to grief over the loss.

But you know, I've come to the general conclusion that my life has amounted to nothing. The Earth would still tilt on its rotational axis by 23.5 degrees relative to its orbital plane around the Sun. So it wouldn't have mattered if I died, right?

I was in a dark alleyway with an unfamiliar man. I didn't think much of it until he emerged from the shadows that veiled his obscurity. When I saw his face, I instantly recalled THAT time. Before I could say anything, he wrapped his fingers around my wrist and thrusted my body to the floor.

He said, "Would you live for me?"

After the encounter, my alarm went off. My heart was still beating

But I’m scared that the effort and dedication I put into accomplishing this goal would only impart a temporary feeling of satisfaction and then ultimately render the rest of my life meaningless.

I say this because I acknowledge the testimonies of notable figures who devoted themselves towards that one goal but have felt nothing afterwards. They say maternal wealth degrades to futility, and you know what, I would like to be in that position to say nonsense like this