on your part to shape me to be me. 

Kids also learn by what they think and feel. 

It's a hard lesson but real. 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder,

 I wonder what the time limit on that is?

 You’ve shown me the man I don’t want to be. 

How could you not see me?

 I must’ve sat by that phone for days 

before I realized the truth, 

a truth that would haunt me for years to come, you weren’t coming back.

 I cried rivers

 long enough for men to sail until there was nothing left,

 except for one, my thoughts.

 “Am I not good enough” “I drove you away” “What did I do wrong”. 

Were my countless ”I love you’s” not enough for you to at least call.

 But once the tears were gone my thoughts,

 like a movie projector played out every memory I had of you, 

and something felt odd. Certain memories, 

like a scratched record played over and over and over again. 

We were leaving the bar the night before our big trip together

 and before we exited we passed a black man 

and you turned to me and said, 

“Son you can wave him goodbye cause where we’re going there won’t be any of those.”

 

You see mother taught me to love and accept others, 

but not you, your heart as rotten as your teeth

 after your pack a day 

and soul as empty as your bottle. 

The thing I will never forget,

 a memory from you 

branded to my brain, 

remaining red hot and sensitive to the touch. 

I was six, 

holding my coke and enjoying the world, 

the same world

 that was about to come crashing down. 

I looked out the window 

to see what you were up to, 

you were motionless face down on the table, 

your beer shattered on the pavement under you, 

and before I could think

 the door burst open

 with three paramedics sprinting through the house 

to grab your motionless body.

 I’m 16 now and have thought 

about the stroke you had that day 

more times than I could count on the hands 

of every person in this room, 

I thought about how blessed you were to get away

 with only a slight motor problem in your left hand, 

and for what, to leave me, to disrespect my mother, 

to live a dead end life in your broken apartment. 

I wished for a long time 

that you just dropped dead that day, 

but as I matured I realized that you taught me 

the most valuable lesson so little fathers can truly teach their sons. 

See fathers raise their sons teaching morals

 about life and the value of what it means to be a man, 

but you showed me the exact opposite of that. 

You showed me what it looks like to fail as a man 

That motivated me. 

It made me make an oath to myself 

to be the best man I can possibly be, to respect women,

love others and one day love my children, the way you never did. 

Unlike you I will grow to be a loving and caring dad, 

I’ll never cause my kids to be sad. 

I will show them how to throw a ball, 

be at their side as they grow tall. 

I’ll tuck them in their bed at night and referee any fight. 

I’ll keep them safe they’ll be secure, 

my love 

for them strong and pure. 

When they’re grown and on their

 own they’ll say to me thanks dad for all you’ve shown. 

So now I thank you, dad,

 and say adieu. 

I never want to be you.