So the news just said that someone died. It said he died because his friends couldn't remember his blood type. His last words were " Be positive".

What is something that both a pregnant teen and her baby think? Oh no. My mom is going to kill me.

What does my dad have in common with N emo?
They both can’t be found

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

Its butt.

“Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”

“To the morgue.”
“What? But I’m not dead yet!”
“And we’re not there yet.”

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I'm beginnin' to feel like a Rap God, Rap God
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod
Now, who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box?
They said I rap like a robot, so call me Rap-bot

But for me to rap like a computer it must be in my genes, I got a laptop in my back pocket
My pen'll go off when I half-cock it, got a fat knot from that rap profit
Made a livin' and a killin' off it, ever since Bill Clinton was still in office
With Monica Lewinsky feelin' on his - sack
I'm an MC still as honest, but as rude and as indecent as all hell
Syllables, skill-a-holic (kill 'em all with)

This flippity dippity-hippity hip-hop, you don't really wanna get into a pissin' match
With this rappity brat, packin' a MAC in the back of the Ac', backpack rap crap, yap-yap, yackety-yack
And at the exact same time, I attempt these lyrical acrobat stunts while I'm practicin' that
I'll still be able to break a mother- table over the back of a couple of - and crack it in half

Only realized it was ironic, I was signed to Aftermath after the fact
How could I not blow? All I do is drop F-bombs, feel my wrath of attack
Rappers are havin' a rough time period, here's a maxi pad
It's actually disastrously bad for the wack while I'm masterfully constructin' this masterpièce

'Cause I'm beginnin' to feel like a Rap God, Rap God
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod
Now, who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box?
Let me show you maintainin' this sh- ain't that hard, that hard
Everybody want the key and the secret to rap immortality like Ι have got

Well, to be truthful the blueprint's, simply rage and youthful exuberance
Everybody loves to root for a nuisance, hit the Earth like an asteroid
Did nothin' but shoot for the Moon since (pew)
MCs get taken to school with this music 'cause I use it as a vehicle to, "Bus the rhyme"
Now I lead a new school full of students

Me? I'm a product of Rakim, Lakim Shabazz, 2Pac, N.W.A, Cube, hey Doc, Ren
Yella, Eazy, thank you, they got Slim
Inspired enough to one day grow up, blow up and be in a position
To meet Run–D.M.C., and induct them into the mother-

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame even though I'll walk in the church and burst in a ball of flames
Only Hall of Fame I'll be inducted in is the alcohol of fame on the wall of (shame)
You - think it's all a game 'til I walk a flock of flames
Off a plank and, tell me what in the - are you thinkin'?

Little g-lookin' boy, so g- I can barely say it with a straight face, lookin' boy (haha)
You're witnessin' a mass-occur like you're watchin' a church gatherin' take place, lookin' boy
"Oy vey, that boy's g-", that's all they say, lookin' boy
You get a thumbs up, pat on the back and a, "Way to go" from your label every day, lookin' boy
Hey, lookin' boy, what you say, lookin' boy? I get a, "Hell yeah" from Dre, lookin' boy
I'ma work for everythin' I have, never asked nobody for s-, get outta my face, lookin' boy
Basically, boy, you're never gonna be capable of keepin' up with the same pace, lookin' boy, 'cause

I'm beginnin' to feel like a Rap God, Rap God
All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod
The way I'm racin' around the track, call me NASCAR, NASCAR
Dale Earnhardt of the trailer park, the White Trash God
Kneel before General Zod, this planet's Krypton, no, Asgard, Asgard

So you'll be Thor, and I'll be Odin, you rodent, I'm omnipotent
Let off, then I'm reloadin', immediately with these bombs I'm totin'
And I should not be woken
I'm the walkin' dead, but I'm just a talkin' head, a zombie floatin', but I got your mom deep-

I'm out my Ramen Noodle, we have nothin' in common, poodle
I'm a Doberman, pinch yourself in the arm and pay homage, pupil
It's me, my honesty's brutal
But it's honestly futile if I don't utilize what I do though

For good, at least once in a while
So I wanna make sure somewhere in this chicken scratch I scribble and doodle enough rhymes
To maybe try to help get some people through tough times
But I gotta keep a few punchlines just in case 'cause even you unsigned
Rappers are hungry lookin' at me like it's lunchtime

I know there was a time where once I was king of the underground
But I still rap like I'm on my Pharoahe Monch grind
So I crunch rhymes, but sometimes when you combine
Appeal with the skin color of mine
You get too big and here they come tryin' to censor you like that one line
I said on, "I'm Back" from The Mathers LP 1 when I tried to say I'll take seven k- from Columbine
Put 'em all in a line, add an AK-47, a revolver and a .9

See if I get away with it now that I ain't as big as I was, but I'm
Morphin' into an immortal, comin' through the portal
You're stuck in a time warp from 2004 though
And I don't know what the f- that you rhyme for
You're pointless as Rapunzel with -ckin' cornrows
You write normal? F- bein' normal

And I just bought a new raygun from the future
Just to come and shoot ya, like when Fabolous made Ray J mad
'Cause Fab said he looked like a - at Mayweather's pad singin' to a man while he played piano
Man, oh man, that was a 24-7 special on the cable channel
So Ray J went straight to the radio station, the very next day, "Hey Fab, I'ma kill you"
Lyrics comin' at you at supersonic speed (J.J. Fad)

Uh, summa-lumma, dooma-lumma, you assumin' I'm a human
What I gotta do to get it through to you? I'm superhuman
Innovative and I'm made of rubber so that anythin' you say is ricochetin' off of me, and it'll glue to you and
I'm devastatin', more than ever demonstratin', how to give a mother- audience a feelin' like it's levitatin'
Never fadin' and I know the haters are forever waitin' for the day that they can say I fell off, they'll be celebratin'
'Cause I know the way to get 'em motivated, I make elevatin' music, you make elevator music

"Oh, he's too mainstream", well, that's what they do when they get jealous, they confuse it
"It's not hip-hop, it's pop" 'cause I found a hella way to fuse it
With rock, shock rap with Doc, throw on "Lose Yourself" and make 'em lose it
"I don't know how to make songs like that, I don't know what words to use"
Let me know when it occurs to you while I'm rippin' any one of these verses that versus you
It's curtains, I'm inadvertently hurtin' you, how many verses I gotta murder to
Prove that if you were half as nice, your songs, you could sacrifice virgins too?

Ugh, school flunky, pill junkie, but look at the accolades these skills brung me
Full of myself, but still hungry
I bully myself 'cause I make me do what I put my mind to
And I'm a million leagues above you, ill when I speak in tongues
But it's still tongue-in-cheek, f- you

I'm drunk, so, Satan, take the f- wheel, I'ma sleep in the front seat
Bumpin' Heavy D and the Boyz, still "Chunky but Funky"
But in my head there's somethin' I can feel tuggin' and strugglin'
Angels fight with devils and here's what they want from me

They're askin' me to eliminate some of the women hate
But if you take into consideration the bitter hatred
I have, then you may be a little patient, and more sympathetic to the situation
And understand the discrimination
But -uck it, life's handin' you lemons? Make lemonade then

But if I can't batter the women
How the fu- am I supposed to bake 'em a cake, then?
Don't mistake him for Satan
It's a fatal mistake if you think I need to be overseas and take a vacation
To trip a broad, and make her fall on her face and
Don't be a -ard, be a king? Think not, why be a king when you can be a God?