I start to glance at my so called ¨friends¨ in front of me.

But there is something off - they aren't who I think they are

I can see them but it's as if they are being controlled by some faceless demon.

Their skin gradually rots away to uncover a heart as dark as night.

I snap back into reality,

A dreading feeling rushes over me

I can feel a sharp pain in my back, tears started to form under my red stained eyes

as the agonizing pain got worse and worse.

Trying to figure out what's happening, I turn around

only to reveal my ¨friends¨ stabbing knives and swords in my back

The laughter begins again, soon to realize 

they are laughing at me not with me,

laughing at the fact that I thought they actually liked and cared about me

Silly me

It's funny to them because they don´t care about other´s or their emotions

they just have a rotten hearts

The kids who walk into class on the first day with a standard already set

The reputation that follows you around through every period

The notoriety of your last name

This is for the ‘oh that's your brother’

The expectations

The judgment

The silent discrimination

This is for the homework help

The begging for his 4.2 GPA knowledge

The sleep in your eyes as he helps you study

The A’s that never seem to be quite as good as his

This is for the jokes from his friends

The rude stares in the hallways

The ‘get it together freshman’

The little jokes followed by your own friends giggles

This is for the day he leaves for college

The tears from your mother

The absence of him lingering in the house

The undone chores a constant reminder

This is for the younger siblings

Because I am too numb

Sometimes the pain is so great, it becomes physical

Like my heart is being stabbed

Sometimes I take off the mask

But I still have makeup on

Sometimes I wash it off but only for the select few

All you see is my skillfully molded life

My painted on smile

A beautiful but delicate sculpture 

On display for all to stare at

Are they judging the artist or the artwork

The artist who spent so much time

Carving and painting

Flourish and detail

Trying to create something that may last for centuries

In the books 

In museums

It’s carved out of sandstone

And it won’t last long

At the center is diamond encased in granite

The granite is cracking

And the diamond is crumbling

But no one can know

So I will carve sandstone around it

I will put on more paint to hide the scars and mistakes

Put on an elaborate mask

A stunning gown

Welcome to the masquerade

With gleaming lights and artists undiscovered

We all strive to be the best pretenders

Yet all you see is a vibrant smile

I peek my head out the window and look around 

I see the gleamy city lights flash by vigorously

My eyes light up like a lightbulb being plugged in 

Peeking into these bright lights 

I’m caught in a trance 

Carefree

My legs and feet shudder to the blasting bass

Why does music sound so much finer in the car?

The lyrics rotate through my body like a gear in a perfectly working machine

Nothing really gets much better than this

I sit against a black leather seat alongside my closest friend

Times like this keep me going and buoyant

The car advances against the gloomy roads at a satisfying pace

The sounds of rapping and a diverting beat gravitate from the front to the back of the car

I sway back and forth to the music with a propitious grin 

Not a care in the world 

I forget about my worries

The test I have to take next week

Basketball tryouts

Cleaning my room

Getting good grades

Not being good enough 

Having no confidence

But as long as I’m sitting here 

In the back of this car

Leaned back with my eyes closed 

Letting the rushes of lyrical melodies seep into my brain

I am Carefree 

 

What does it mean

How is one supposed to have a “good life” if there's is crumbling

How is one supposed to be happy to be alive 

If there life is crumbling, falling apart  

It all starts in 6th grade 

6th grade 2016 had a friend who almost committed suicide  

Beginning of 7th grade that friend texts me saying i wasn’t a good friend 

She stopped being my friend

August 28 2016, the day my life fell apart 

My parents split :(

After about a month,it felt longer than a month, my parents got back together:)

January 2018 I find out that my mom filed for divorce

meeting after meetings she decides to cancel the divorce 

June 7th 2018 last day of 8th grade 

Last day I saw all my friends together

The day I left my friends, wasn’t my choice 

July 30 2018, my dog died

August 2018 find out my mom is going to file for divorce again 

October 2018 mom filed for divorce 

Present day 2018, trying not to think about anything

Trying not to show any emotion 

Trying not to cry my pathetic self to sleep 

Trying just to get through high school 

Trying to not forget about my friends from my old school

(My friends from my old school helped me…...a lot) 

Trying to stay strong 

Trying not to get on my older sisters bad side, failed

Trying to have a good time in high school even through the rest of my life is crap 

Trying not to burst into tears every time i have to explain all of this to someone 

Trying to forget my brothers birthday on the 27th of November (he’s turning 12) 

Trying not to think of the bad part of my future 

Trying to have the courage to “yell” at my parents for making my life a living hell 

Why does this have to happen 

Why does it have to happen know 

Why does this have to happen to me now 

Why does this have to affect me and my life 

Why is this a thing 

Why can’t for once something in my life go right and stay that way 

Why is my life a living hell 

Why can’t this end  

~Hannah Fishburn

flooded with rivulets of thought,

Cascading into a waterfall of

Creative alternatives.

A cloud is simply

Sky cotton candy,

Giving all south flying geese

A sweet tooth.

Friendships are just momentary distractions

In the constant war of life,

Short truces

Sparing us from conflict, 

If only for a bit.

The two that were meant to be,

 But they had never met. 

They were like two butterflies,

 Who had also never met.

He was as lame as a lame duck,

One that had stepped on 

his younger sibling’s lego,

And fell in pain onto a landmine.

His face was as expressive

As a very expressive Ox, 

You know,

Either chewing or charging

Full speed at your pink carnation.

This is the time to be brave

This is the time to make my voice heard  

This is the time to make all of those who treated me bad 

Look bad for how they treated me 

This is the time for me to rise above all of those 

Nasty comments, those Nasty looks 

This is the time for those who are ashamed of who they 

Are and to be brave 

This is the time that peace is restored

This is the time 

This is the time 

 

This is the time where the homos can be proud of who they are 

This is the time where the invisibles can be visible once again 

This is the time where the kid who gets stuffed in the locker 

Stands up to the kid who does the stuffing

This is the time 

This is the time  

This is the time where the people who think they’re ugly can feel pretty 

This is the time where underappreciated can feel appreciated 

This is the time where for the weak to be strong  

This is the time for nerds 

This is the time for the dumb 

This is the time for the prom king 

This is the time for the prom queen   

This is the time 

This is the time for sleepers 

This is the time for the girls  

This is the time for the boys 

This is the time for all the drama to be over 

This is the time 

Storytelling Mondays

Friday night lights

Secrets spilled on Saturdays 

Forts and movie marathons 

Photoshoots and shopping hauls

My friend

These are the days we live for 

Friendships come often, but the bonds made last forever

They bring out the best in you 

Even the places we ourselves cannot see 

They make you laugh until your lungs feel like they’ve stepped on 

And cry until your eyes become Niagara Falls 

Friends are pretty grand

Always there at the palm of your hand 

Your right hand man 

Names written in the sand

Pinky promises and road trips planned

Swearing on the future

When you feel like the sun has no sunrise 

When you feel stranded at sea

There’s always someone to pull you back

Wrapping you in a blanket of warmth

Your big blue eyes blinking with tears

Shedding the gratitude and love bottled inside of you 

These are the days that last forever

These are the memories that we engrave in our hearts

Because let’s face it

Friendships aren’t perfect

But they last a lifetime

 

I am a ‘positive spirit’

I am a ‘light in the room’

I am a ‘hard worker’

But is that all I am?

Am I making a difference?

If I were George Bailey

Would Gower owe everything to me?

When I’ve lived my life

Will the people I held close to me say

“He changed us all”?

Or will I merely fade away?

Because at the end of the day

The things I do and say

Will change the way 

That I’m viewed

And to fail to make a difference

To fritter my life away

Is a condemning life sentence 

Because the spotlight is always on me

“All the world’s a stage”

And missing an entrance

Gets me cut from the show

For life is a multi-scene show

It follows a densely-packed script

That everyone but me seems to know

Leaving me to try and decrypt

The code that life has become

Flailing to stay afloat

For fate is cruel

And it all comes alive in high school

Because in high school emotions are amplified

And an opposing viewpoint

Begins a petrifying landslide

And everything is broken from your vantage point

Freshman are stupid

And seniors are brainless

Nerds are excluded

And jocks are painless

It makes perfect sense.

And as I travel daily

To this place of pure pain

I see my friend, so pale he

Looks like he controls dead with his reign

I ask him what’s wrong

And he says ‘nothing abnormal’

But that it takes all he has to stay strong

During his crying nocturnal

And that, of course

Is how high school works

It’s the place of destruction, and the source

Of our waterworks

But this is not new

And it does have its perks

It creates all these feelings that I do

Not ever share.

Guns and terrorists

People abuse and sell

Anti-depressants, stimulants, hallucinogens and Opioids

So many treatments and addictions

You can barley count

Making you want to pout 

Past the emotion and sadness

Down down down into the darkness of sympathy

Once you're ok realizing what you did.

So I hid like a kid 

Drugs will screw up your life, 

I don't know because I don't use and abuse

Making you want to use a knife 

Going into the afterlife 

But love, love is awful too

It will make you feel blue

Bluer than blue

Because love is the worst drug of them all.

I stand in the sand 

Right where it changes from soft and warm 

To cool and firm 

The water rising and falling 

Barely reaching my toes

Small toes running in glee 

My brother running behind me 

Grabbing my arms and pulling them back

My laughter light and giggly 

As my brother swings me around the room 

In her room, walls made of curtains

I sit with my sister cross legged 

And my eyes closed 

Her bag of makeup next to her

And our favorite Disney movie on the T.V.

In the room across from the hall

I pretend not to hear him cry

Talking with our mother

I knew nothing was wrong 

But frustration can leave you vulnerable

Even for those who are strong 

She is strong and she is a leader

But often she lays in bed or on the couch

In complete silence 

Because the pounding in her head is too much to bear

The water is grey, reflecting the sky

A light sprinkle leaves the sand damp

We wait it out and come back 

Back for the sunset 

The gold  colors from the sun reflect off the water

Like a rock of colors skipped by God 

The small cove on an empty beach

Holds a small island through still water

Through the water to the island

My curiosity outweighing my fear

My brother on one side 

And my sister on the other 

Every single day

The same reflection staring back 

The same way 

When her eyes meet mine.

Her eyes meet mine

And my eyes meet hers

And my vision blurs and

Suddenly all I can see 

Are her imperfections.

My vision blurs but her

Insecurities are clear to me.

My vision blurs but I can

Still see the acne and her

Pores that she wishes she

Could ignore but that she knows

Everyone can’t help but see.

My vision blurs but I can

Still see her nose with a bridge

More crooked than straight

That’s too big for her face

And just looks out of place

But wait

Couldn’t contour make it look smaller?

My vision blurs and for once

In my life I wish I could

Blink and not immediately think

“Wow I wish I had different

Eyebrows and lips and that my

Hips were a little less curvy.”

I wish I could blink

And look back at a girl

With a curl in her hair

And a perfect white smile

And just for a while

I wish I could blink

And feel pretty.

I wish I could blink

And look back at a face like a doll

With fair skin and pink cheeks.

I wish I could blink

Without a blur in my vision.

I wish I could blink 

Without clear imperfections.

I wish I could blink

And see a face that I like.

I wish I could blink

And just think

“Hey, maybe you don’t

Need makeup today.”

I wish I could blink 

And feel pretty.

But when it’s too much and I have a panic attack, I am my own shoulder to cry on.

Sure, taking a puff on my inhaler seems like the answer,

Until it leaves me shaking harder than I was to begin with.

And I know it’s not as cool as taking a hit from your juul, 

But I need it to keep from drowning, rather than getting higher off your already stable ground.

But I’ll just keep doing rose face masks, steaming my face, and learning how to ‘tree pose’;

Because as long as I’m still plastering edgy captions all over my spam, I’m sure I’m ok. 

So when I try to explain that I am being swallowed up by my own mind, 

Don’t worry about me, I’m just an angsty teen. 

The smell of cakey stiff makeup fills the air

Family inside a home 

A home

A single moment were one can shine 

Each year a different time 

A wall of mirrors 

Visions of yourself saying you can't 

Hushed murmerd tones

A baseball cap left 

A cup of warm lemon and sweet honey 

Blinding lights and forgetting cues

Butterfly gardens in my stomach 

Exit signs behind blinds 

My dad in the front row 

His smile that was never there before

Whisper

Whisper turns into a scream 

A scream turns into a yell 

Yell turns into a rage 

A rage turns to content  

Flowers being thrown 

A crying child 

More in common than with my own

I hug him 

and nothingness 

Stutter 

A shake of the hand or a wave of the finger 

I crumble into my ground 

The tree flashes me a smile 

Warmth of kindness is amazing 

And I am content 

The strays strengthened

Under god 

We fight for holy right

Religion and position are all important to the army

The endless bumpy roads

The endless winding trails

The endless lengthy lanes

The holy land ahead by miles

All the while it was getting harder to smile

The Pope with his unresolvable

Resolve for resolution

While the generals have a better solution

The key to succeed which is to bleed

The sun rises over jerusalem just as it sets

Flooding with emotions

Drowning in the thoughts

Trying to catch a breath

But the words escape 

I try to ignore it

But they are a disease

They spread quicker 

Then some would believe

A whisper drifts away

Traveling across the world

Reaching the ears of people

Who let the words roll out

Uh oh

The whole school knows

Isolation

Why would you do that

Deprivation

Go away

Consultation

It’s okay

The words have grown

Into trees of trouble

Streams of scorn

Rivers of repulsion

And it’s hard sometimes 

When people think they 

Know it all

But they only know

The first movement

Music pumping I can’t 

Drown it out

But sometimes I need to breath

And it’s hard sometimes

When people think 

They know what's best

When they only know the surface

If they dove in deep

Maybe they could see the truth

Because it’s different on top

It’s different when you can float

It’s different when you can breath

Because it’s really hard sometimes

So hurry up now 

Get your  backpack 

Get your lunch 

It's time to go 

So let's get out the door

Oh no wait mom “forgot” something in the house 

She goes back in 

But doesn’t come back out 

2 minutes go past 

3 minutes 

4 minutes 

5 minutes 

We’re going to be late now 

6 minutes 

7 minutes 

8 minutes 

9 minutes 

10 minutes 

She finally comes back out 

Down the driveway we go 

On our way to school 

We’re finally here 

We’re finally at school 

14 minutes later 

We have 25 minutes to get to class 

Class is on the other side of the building  

Are we going to make it 

Time starts ticking 

“Hurry, hurry!” replays in my mind 

I get going to my class 

5 minutes remaining 

At last!

I make it to my class 

With 2 minutes to spare 

My pen scrawls across the page

The 17th letter I refuse to mail

Trying to say just what you mean to me

But words fail

Where did it all derail?

When did my love for you shove me head over heels

Off the trail

That I traveled

The life that I lived

The dreams that I dreamed

The destiny that I created

When did my love for you become so strong

It could create a devastation like King Kong

That lasted so long

Resounding like a gong

And inspiring a song just to move on

What will I do?

How can I possibly describe what you mean to me

When every time I try

All I do is deny

That I have feelings and decide

That it’s not worth it to tell you

And I just cry

Every night

Until I die

Knowing that nothing will ever change

Doing thing because it's the right thing to do

People can be helpful 

Helping people because they want to

People can be unpredictable

Doing things that are not expected of them

People can be offsetting 

With people doing  things you don't approve of

People can be friendly

Taking people in when they need it most 

People can be trusted 

Telling them everything 

People can be upsetting

Not giving you their attention when you talk

People can be judgmental

Pointing out your flaws when they have them too.

People can be forgiving 

Letting you back into their life

People can be giving 

Sharing everything with other people

Walk many miles.

Why is it so easy

To point out the bad-

But it can be so hard 

To notice the good in people

Take a step back-

Take a moment to realize-

Not everyone is the same as you.

Take a walk in their shoes.

Some people hope for money and TVs, 

But others just want someone to talk to.

Take a walk in their shoes.

Some own ten different pairs of name brand shoes,

To others, shoes are just rubber socks.

Either way, talk a walk in their shoes.

Next time, try something new- 

Try compassion,

Try understanding,

Try kindness.

Take a walk in their shoes.

You can never know

What others are going through.

So give someone a smile. 

Hold the door.

Take a walk in their shoes.

Two hours in what could go wrong 

Beaming in the sun

Right next to the water 

What could go wrong?

Suddenly a wave crashes into that sand castle 

That you worked so hard on 

Washed away 

What did you do wrong?

Now you're left with that decision

Rebuild, 

Or give up

But you don't want to give up

What could go wrong?

Now you realize it's war with the water

You try new things to stop what happened last time 

Four hours in 

What could go wrong?

Here comes another wave 

You think you are ready 

Are you?

What could go wrong?

Just like last time your dreams get washed away

What to do?

Rebuild, 

Or give up,

That is your choice

Make the right choice

Or suffer the consequences

Of giving up  

Don't give up 

What could go wrong?

Sorry that I tried my best to make you happy,

I’m sorry that everything you say, seems to be true and what I say is not,

I fought for us but all you did was take a shot that no one bought,

The words you said broke a mend between two sisters,

You chose to twist and turn the story only so you could be in the glory,

But yet again this was my territory,

You told the world that I was wrong,

That what I did was lifelong,

I lost friends because you,

Wasn't it supposed to be us one on one?, 

Oh wait you had to make it armies battling at once,

You couldn't even take a second to discuss,

Discuss the problem at hand,

The one that tore us apart because you couldn't make a fresh start.

So Im sorry all you could think about was yourself,

I’m sorry that I supposedly broke you down,

But we all know you had to have the crown,

Otherwise you would have the meltdown,

If only you would take a moment to reflect and think about me, 

You would understand.

So shiny and bright like a silver car

He was always so happy

Looking down at people with joy

He did this for millions of years

And then there is something that he hears

He looks to his right

And a new star is born

He felt happy that he now has a friend

He has a hand to lend

He’s happier than ever now

His new friend looks at him and smiles 

But sadly, he knew his time was limited

Luckily he was gifted

To have a friend by his side 

Before he flew away

He loves his freedom,

He loves having a big yard to explore.

When we come home, from the two weeks away,

Lincoln gets really excited to see us.

And I get happy to be with him for the three days we get with him

When we get home Lincoln, is usually waiting outside,

And when he sees us he dashes to the car and runs around us,

Sometimes he will jump on me while I have a lot to bring in.

By the time were inside he won’t stop running around,

Until he gets his many pats on his head.

We usually bring pizza home to eat, so he will try to get some from us.

We get home and have some food then its close to the time we go to bed,

Lincoln will sometimes sleep downstair cause how cold it is but not a lot.

After a good night sleep we come up he is waiting like a good boy for some pets.

My dog is, there for my whole family when we have a tough time. 

He will be there when I need some cheering up, 

But he is kinda dumb too.

Lincoln is one of the many pets I have had

But he is the most special.

He was a gift for the whole family.

Played it every afternoon I could

She would run full speed at me

And I’d lay still on the ground

‘Til she would get right up next to me and start to whimper

Then I would jump up and race around the yard

“I love you, puppy.”

And I know my puppy told me she loved me too

We shared a game

Chase

I Loved our game, so I named her 

Chase

Until that day when the chase never happened

And my schedule got too busy 

A confused little puppy sat waiting 

Chase

I’d entered a new era of life

Where instead of dogs chasing me, it was dreams, deadlines and due dates

Then one day

When I came home and looked into the old eyes of my now full grown dog

I realized I missed her, I missed making  memories together

I gave her a pat on the head 

At once I was on the floor playing with my dog

Then I laid still on the ground

When she started to whimper, I jumped up and bolted out the door 

My dog racing after me 

“I love you, puppy and I love our game” 

And I know she said it too

If I were my dream, I would be dead 

If I were my dream, I would be running away from two rapists

If I were my dream, I would have a bunch of text from someone

If I were my dream, I would live in an alternate reality where ‘yo’ isnt a greeting and ‘hello’ isn't formal

I wouldn’t have water

I wouldn’t have a family

 Wouldn’t be happy

I don’t know why i’m like this, I wish I wasn’t like this.

And the hugs you gave slowly faded away

And the clouds started to appear every day 

I just want the thought of my brother to take place

I want to see the look on his face

Because knowing my brother was okay with leaving

Proves that i’m the only one receiving 

Receiving the pain and the looks of no return

Makes my stomach start to churn 

Because the memory of him is starting to burn

I’ve asked myself why doesn’t he want me 

Why doesn’t he need me

But now i’ve rearranged that question into

Why don’t i need him

Why haven’t i needed him for the past 8 years of my life 

Because i grew  

And soon 

The thought of you was no longer in my head 

And i was able to no longer fear 

What the looks on your face would be if you were here

Why is there constantly deaths all over america due to guns why?

Why is there people that kill others just because they believe in something different why?

Why can't there be peace in the world why?

Why can't we drop water food and technology instead of bombs why? 

Why is there so much hate in the world why?

Why can’t the world just be like Dr. king?

Fighters with our words not weapons!

Question…

Do you think blacks and whites are treated equally?

Can we just take a moment and thank god for the civil right movement!?!

We all must bring racism to an end!

A message to all very hard to send.

Different races in the world,

All join together AS ONE!

For the lord is our father 

Were his children.

My skin is a part of me,

But believe me it's not everything!

Please, don't be surprised

When you see,

That i will not let the color of my skin,

Determine who i'm gonna be

Or who i am, because, who i am

I'm gonna determine who i wanna be

All together we say

We MUST END RACISM !!!

                    - Shawana Carter

 I hear cold crisp ocean waves slowly crashing on the shore.

 I hear click of a lighter lighting a christmas candle.

When I think of the color blue,

 I feel frosty winds and snow showers falling over me in mid december.

 I feel little bubbles touching me after I jumped in a pool,

 making their way to the surface.

When I think of the color blue,

 I taste berries that have just been picked

 by my dad and I on a chilly summer morning.

 I taste Wrigley’s Winterfresh gum tingling my mouth.

When I think of the color blue,

 I smell just bloomed springtime orchids

 in my grandma’s garden.

 I smell the store Bath and Body Works during christmas time.

When I think the color blue,

 I see a cold, cloudy, rainy day at the beach.

 I see me sitting there on the freezing cold sand.

 A blanket wrapped around me.

I am sitting there alone, and left only with my thoughts.

 To keep me company.

                           My friends try to help me but it dont work 

    Its like a villain hypnotizing me wanting me to feel bad 

Saying sorry and crying everyday 

Your on my mind but you don't care  

I go to sleep depressed 

I wake up depressed 

I even go to school depressed 

But they dont care 

Im sorry for my bad habits 

Its them not me

Seeing people smile with there friend and boyfriends

But i sit alone  

On a log being stabbed in the back

Hearing that i'm not good enough for this 

But i am good enough 

I just haven't found that out yet 

People say they care about me 

But they truly don't 

They fake a smile when they look at me 

I'm not funny, nice or cute 

I'm just a depressed wreck that don't have a life 

I get friendzoned everyday not cause of my personality but my looks 

No one trust me

Is it cause of the way i act?

Or my boredom i bring to people 

It all started when i got my heart broken 

Am i still over that?

No, he was special to me 

I just haven't learned to love myself 

My friends do love there self and i dont “wow”maybe its me 

some days i wanna freeze time and be alone for once

But around people 

I'm like a bird 

The odd duck 

A nerd being bullied 

I get declined by everyone 

Even my friends

They go to another person who talks like them 

I'm just a speechless goat 

Trying to get words out of my mouth 

But my mouth is full of lose memories and some complaining i have 

For life 

Im not happy 

I change myself for you 

I put better clothes on 

But you still don't want me 

Cause i'm lost everyday in my dreams. 

  

It isn't the expensive clothes that make you cute 

It isn't the makeup you put on in the morning 

It isn't at all what you look like 

Beauty could be being able to laugh at a mistake you made 

Beauty could be helping out your friends 

Beauty could be helping out strangers 

Beauty isn't what you look like 

It isn't defined by how you look 

It doesn't matter how other people think you look 

It doesn't matter what you friends think you look like 

It is not what you think you look like 

Beauty is what you look like on the inside 

Beauty is what you are on the inside 

Beauty is the good inside someone 

Beauty is who a kind person is on the inside 

I used to be able to see the beauty in people 

I could see past the ugly outside 

I now only see the bad in the world 

I only see ugly in the world because of the ugly 

Everyone has a style and I think that's cool. No matter what it is its cool, doesn't matter if its basic, athletic, hypebeast, girly, lazy etc. The way you dress describes yourself and not just yourself but how you're feeling. 

Let's say the place you work at or school you go to uses uniform, you’re probably like  “oh, that's wack, everyone looks the same” and I agree. But when everyone's dressed the same you can still mix it up a little, maybe with some bracelets, necklaces, shoes and maybe even hair. It's all about accessories really. 

Anyway at the end of the day you just gotta be creative, do/wear what you want because that's all that’s gonna matter. 

It's fresh

And is legal

Yes that's right folks weed is legal

But people are mad because i guess it's bad

People think that weed makes you run around and kill people

But the only thing killing people is cigarettes 

Cigarettes mess with your head and give you tar lungs

Now tell me does that sound fun

I've personally seen it take someones life

Every time they try to walk it's a fight

Oh but lets get mad over weed 

The only thing weed has done is make somebody kill a bag of doritos 

Or maybe some fritos

And if it's so bad then why isn't it vetoed

But cigarettes i guess we need those 

Ok

Makes sense 

Lets go get some cancer sticks 

After you have one you'll have a itch

And then you'll start to switch 

You will look butt ugly 

And smell sh$$

    

  

Hockey, I have been playing for as long as I can remember. I've gone from playing with a wooden stick in my driveway to playing against Canadian teams in huge tournaments. From my rec days to getting to play for my high school in the summer. From goalie to offense to defense, I have experienced almost everything in hockey. Happiness from winning big games and heartbreak, from where one play could of made all the difference that game.

Every time I go on that ice, I get a different feeling in my body. I feel happy, alive, but also a feeling of contentment. I am where I belong, a place that I enjoy. Whether it is just a practice, or a game, I still feel happy. 

I hope to play hockey for the rest of my life. My next goal is to play in college (possibly for University of Maryland), but as an adult I plan to be a future beer league captain. But for now, I will have fun and enjoy every time I am on that ice, and take it one stride at a time.

Where I was innocent.

Childhood was when colors painted my dreams,

Where nap times were a must.

Childhood was when life was easy,

No homework or final exams.

Childhood was when I had confidence,

Where I could believe I could do anything.

Childhood was when I could pretend a perfect life,

Where I could visualize and think about the future.

Childhood was when I wasnt kept inside of a “box”,

Where I could be my own self without pretending. 

Childhood was when I had all the time world,

Where I didnt have to stress over the little things.

Childhood was when I was free.

I need to see through this veil

A veil given to the hate 

To the beat and the scared

So the glory of a nation was hidden

So they were blind to the gold that lied around our feet

A nation hidden in a ocean of emotion 

Pushing and pulling the tide

Like it some joy RIDE

Controlled by the power of man

Men men men

I see men bet their chest 

Like their better than anyone 

Woman children raise up your voices 

And show that the boy wearing big boy pants are no man 

Show than that chain don't just fall off 

So that they must be broken 

Tell them not to be a father with very little heart

And they will tell you 

That nothing can come from nothing

But their wrong because 

I do nothing everyday 

And that's to say that I do everything

I’m nothing buts that to say 

I the best at something 

So take my hand 

Let us do nothing so we can really feel 

what the best of everything feels like.

(BRAK)

For the days I am alone

For the days people don’t talk

For the day I only know one person

But I hate you Technology

For creating the days I am alone

For creating the days people don’t talk

For creating the days i only know one person

But Again I love you Technology

For giving us information

For connecting people

For being able to buy stuff online

But again I hate you Technology

For giving us tunnel vision information

For disconnecting people physically

For letting me stay inside without any human interaction

So Technology i both love and hate you 

So what does that make you a friend… or an enemy… or maybe a, 

When dreams begin 

3 am snacking while my family is sleeping 

Crying because I have school tomorrow 

Facetiming my bestie until it's light outside 

Doing stupid things for no apparent reason 

Watching netflix while chilling on the couch 

Staying out late with friends 

Taking a bath and having all your 

problems whisk away 

Laying down watching youtube 

On instagram scrolling so many

 times your eyes hurt 

Like in Michigan when the land is full of ice and snow,

Or when I was in a Canyon on a boat.

Sometimes I have moments when I want to stay,

Like when my friends and I laugh all day.

Sometimes I want to stay, other times I want to go.

How will I know, how will I know, how will I know?

“I’m so thankful for you”, “Love you guys”, “You’re the best” are all things our group texts say,

But in four years where will we be in the end of the day?

I don’t want to imagine the future teary eyed goodbyes,

But my lust for adventure and travel thrives on the inside.

California, North Carolina, Utah colleges and more,

But wow will I miss our five minute “get things for surprise party” trips to the store.

Whispers while writing in english,

Marching in what felt like sub zeros in band,

To having sheep “inherit the earth”

No one else will understand

We were brought together by darkness,

But created our own light.

I don’t want to think about college yet,

I still want to be a teenager who can stay up with her besties all night.

Bouncing cheese off each others heads,

Working out after the long day ends,

I wish we didn’t have to grow up so fast, 

Yet all of this has been a blast.

August, September and October are already in the past,

How about instead of dreading the day we say goodbye,

We accept that the school year is going fast.

I never want to say goodbye,

In fact I never will or do,

Because you five are my best friends

And when it comes to be world’s end

We will find each other again. 

Yet at its arrival we only wish for it to go away

We get caught up in our troubles and worry and pain

And sometimes we forget to dance in the rain

Close your umbrella

Leave your jacket inside
Take off your shoes

You have nothing to lose

Dance in the rain like no one’s watching

Let the hurt swirl down the drain

When you look up at the sky

You know there’s no use in staying dry

Dance in the rain like no one’s watching

Time will race by in the flash of an eye

Just set your pain and plans aside

Don’t you dare think about going inside

Dance in the rain like no one’s watching

The only thing that matters now is you

Try not to focus on all the bad

And remember the good times that you’ve had

We get caught up in our troubles and worry and pain

But it’s still important to dance in the rain

So next time confetti falls from the sky

Make sure it doesn’t pass you by

Most would say an emotion,

Some a series of chemical reactions,

A state of mind,

Money,

Power,

Immortality,

So someone tell me what happiness is,

Please because I'm lost,

Lost in a deep dark pit where the only light you'll ever see is the burning of bridges,

Where the only heat you ever feel in when you hold your own hand,

And every second I spend down here I accept this as an ok way to live even more.

If happiness is an emotion why haven't I felt it in so long?

If its a series of chemical reactions what am I getting wrong amounts of or type?

Is my mind broken or missing some parts because being there for to long is impossible?

How much money do I need and where can I find it?

The power to fly or the power to rule over a large area of land?

I thought immortality was impossible…

Every question I ask I watch the answers as their fleaing,

But every second feels like a century and every moment a lifetime,

Another minute I’m crying

As I watch myself slowly dying.

As this pit grows it becomes darker and colder.

It becomes more lonely,

And not alone but lonely.

All these people and all these places but still I feel as if I have nowhere to go.

Every open door I have I watch someone slam right in front of my face.

I can see the grass being greener on the other side,

The other side of the universe's largest wall,

With no windows and the tiniest little door.

I can see the path clear as day in this world of night,

The path that leads right to that door.

But yet everytime I look around I can't bring myself to go,

As I suffer in silence the war in my head only grows louder,

So someone please tell me,

What is happiness?

So far I haven’t found the answer to that question,

And sadly it appears I’m only getting further and further,

Just ever so further from the answer.

What is happiness?

My Aunt never called me Anti-Social

My Cousins never called me Dipshit

My Friends never called me a Virgin

My Mother never told me to Shut Up

My Sister’s never Shut Me Out

My Father never Neglected me

My Brother never forgot about me

I Always think about these

I Always let them get to me

I Always hated them for this

I Always said it back

I Always cried

I Always seeked revenge

I Always took it to heart

I Always let these define me

I Never let them redeem themselves

I Never forgave

I Never forgot

I Never lived a normal life

I Never loved these people

I Never talked to them again

I Always will be tormented

I Always will hurt

No Matter what they do

I will Never Forget

No Matter how they say sorry

I will Always Deny

For my friends and family

Will Never be there for me

Never Love me all the same

They will Always mean what they said

Always want it to recure 

Never call me their Brother, Baby or Son

Never Nephew, Cuz, or Homie

Always What they called me before

And that love comes and it goes 

It’s the warmth from your toes to your nose

You may not know, but it's close

Don’t feel blue 

Love will find you 

What if I told you that things aren't set in stone 

Opinions should be you own

not you parents 

not your peers 

not your so called friends, whispering in your ear.

What if I told you that you are heard

That your voice can move the feet

Of the foes that stand before you 

And knock the crown from their heads

Nevermore let your voice be blurred

the sun would refuse to stop shining.

The sky only dims when the clouds appear.

The eerie night never arrives.

Isn’t that strange?

Isn’t that extraordinary?

The world is so bright

that I have forgotten the time of twilight.

Napping time is any time

and the night-shift workers no longer

have to depend on the moonlight.

Before this, we used to complain that the days were too short,

things didn’t get done, 

and the things we finished were of a rushed sort.

We laid in our beds at midnight

and squinted at the screens of our phones,

while our strained eyes said they were much too bright.

We would be wide-eyed as we quickly tiptoed out of our rooms before dawn,

worried that that the shadow-demons

would grab the tips of our toes.

We used to be afraid of the gloom, monsters, the darkness,

the things hidden under our beds.

All those things had nowhere to hide

when there was suddenly no night.

So the gloom, monsters, and the darkness fled and hid in our souls.

It may have been a glorious few weeks, months, years, in which

we had all day long.

24-7 sunlight,

get it free on Earth.

That was when we did not see that we were not free.

Everything was different in the outside world,

but we didn’t see our inside world.

What was happening to us?

We were suddenly wishing, wanting, waiting and praying

for the sun to just take a break.

We realized that we didn’t remember the quiet of twilight

or the convenience of the orange rays of light waking up with us.

We didn’t remember the beauty of dusk,

or the moon coming out to say “sleep tight” before we went to bed.

The moon-gazers lost their jobs and so did the stars.

The constellations couldn’t shine and our eyes slowly stopped too.

The evening skies were lost, only to be found in history books.

We became tired and irritated;

unorganized and unprepared;

everyone was sleeping at different hours.

It was like the dark sky represented our minds...

Nowhere to be found anymore.

Before this,

we had always taken the time of night for granted.

 All of us had thought darkness was a curse.

That only evil things lived in shadows.

Those thoughts were wrong.

We hadn’t figured out that with light,

there must be dark.

The stars cannot smile without nightfall to bring them out.

This is the importance of life,

as we now know:

The dark times exist

to make the good times show.

i have awed over every sunset I have laid my eyes on

but since school

society

and these culpable people i call “friends”

has has cut my circle into a square 

i no longer find the beauty in these pieces of God’s art

“wanna watch the sun fall asleep with me, darlin’?”

my grandma voice soft 

and as sweet as the chocolate cupcakes we used to make

“yes of course i would love to” …

is something i would've said a few months ago

instead now my only response is a lowering of my eyebrows

and a slow objective head shake

you see

a square cannot roll

with any type of this “flow” that people talk about

a square cannot laugh as much as she did before 

because she needs to seem hard

a square cannot joke around anymore

everything is serious now

a square cannot eat that extra slice of pizza even though she wants it

because kale is way healthier and will keep you skinny

a square definitely cannot skip a night of her face wash routine

acne is ugly

a square can show a limited amount of emotions 

afterall she is just a square

this place that we call earth 

molds people to not see the beauty in beautiful things 

rule #1

a square cannot enjoy a sunset anymore 

especially with her grandma 

I am a strong willed and strongly opinionated person thats my personality, I am exactly like my father people say we look exactly the same but I don't see it, I am also like my father he is extremely strong headed and narrow minded, Throughout my life my father and I butted heads over topics ranging everything if we had different opinions we argued about it, my father and I were never particularly emotional to each other it wasn't either of our stongsuits. 

I am 5 years old. I'm trotting down to the basement in my spiderman boxers to say goodnight to my dad, I walk up to his desk and see something under it I glance at it and see it's a bottle, Im 5 so I don't take much notice or think about it much more, The next night I see the bottle but again I pay it no mind.

I am 11 years old my dad stumbles up the stairs it's the third night in a row he's been like this, He has slurred speech with a whistle like the wind at the end of each phrase, he walks into the room and asks the same question over and over again, when I ask him about it he gets mad and starts yelling I back away and walk away, later that night I go to say goodnight to him and see a bottle under his desk and a few more in the trash slightly disturbed I go to sleep and not pay mind to it again.

I am 14 years old Im at home with my friend it's christmas break my mom and dad are at a party, The door creaks open and my parents walk in, my friend and I jump a little at there sudden appearance, after chilling for a little bit I begin messing around with my dad we proceed to wrestle around in the living room, We lock up and hes says this is your mistake and he picks me up and body slams me, suddenly I can't breathe my dad gets off me i'm struggling to get oxegen, my mom appears in the living room screaming her head off, she then kicks my dad out of the house.

The next day my dad comes home and I go into the basement with him and he apologizes and asks me what happened he can't remember. To naive to realise.

My father is a alcoholic. 

The way you walk

The way you look at me so clear

It’s as I hear you, are you near?

They don’t get the relationship between me and you

You look at me while I stay froze, it’s as almost as you are beneath my nose

You say GO! I say STOP! 

Next my hands are in the air, like I don’t care

You had me at get down on your knees and handcuffs on my wrists 

Only I try to resists the pain upon my wrists. 

I move only to ask a question and come out of the car

You look at me with so much anticipation I feel as I am an animation

The strain, I ache in pain

BAM a body in sain 

The death of me

But you forgot to check if I was drunk or was I running from grive

Remember me 

Remember me 

The way you looked at me is the last sign of grive

It’s as you hear the last breaths of air remove from my body

Forming my soul in the air as my essence haunts this place to remember my death with no witness

Experience.

Experience has molded my life as a skilled artisan molds clay into beautiful artifacts. At least 75% of my thoughts, actions, and decisions have experience to thank for their birth. Countless lessons, classes, and courses have experience leading them into the future.

How to balance independence with dependence.

How to fail with dignity, learn from that failure, then try, try, try again.

How to wait for what is to come with the virtue of patience instead of the imperfection of agitation.

How to love and respect people, including the most important and difficult one of all, yourself.

How to make the tough choices that may only come once or twice in a lifetime, but are sure to change that life for all time.

How to face and conquer your fears with unwavering resolve.

How to climb the unclimbable mountain and do whatever you put your mind to.

Experiences teach life in ways nothing or no one else can.

I am six years old. I have just successfully completed my first night at another person’s house. My best friend’s house to be exact. He has been pestering me for eons before I finally caved in, too scared or unwilling to leave the safe haven of my own house, my own room, and my own bed. Yet, that night was one of the most enjoyable nights I have ever experienced in my short life. In that moment, I learned to trust my friends and exit my comfort zone.

I am eleven years old. My family is reeling after the passing of one of our own. Everybody was heartbroken and crying, but I didn’t understand why. To me, she was just the aunt that I was never really close to. Then, it hit my heart like a hammer pounding a nail. Now, I would never get to know her. All of her memories and experiences, the conversations never had, the advice never given, had died with her. And then I cried. That dark day, I learned how devastating loss can be and to get to know my family, while I still can.

I am fourteen years old. I slump on the couch and take a deep sigh of relief as I realize that I did it. I finished K-8. I grab my phone and check my final grades, my heart pounding throughout the incredibly long load time. I drag my eyes across the letters that took an entire years worth of dedication and devotion. I grow ecstatic. All A’s. That day, I learned the rewards of hard work and perseverance.

There are things you simply can’t learn from a library book or a Google search result. Things that may just be the most important things that you could ever fill your brain with. So go out, live life to the fullest, do that task you were always afraid of, put in that extra bit of work, spend your time with the ones worth spending time with. Experience life and life will reward you with positive experiences. And maybe, just maybe, you might learn a thing or two.

Cool breeze in my hair 

Looking up at Lady Liberty 

Made me think if this is really fair 

Made me think if I should really care 

There she stood in the clouds 

Representing all we have lived for 

Representing our country 

Boat unsteady 

Mind is racing 

I wasn’t ready for what I was embracing 

And my thoughts are pacing 

How can I keep chasing 

After these days when all I can think is 

How lucky we are to be free 

When you hear the news 

You hear the pain 

The pain of the world 

The pain of the world we live in

The countries 

The poverty 

The hate 

The inequality 

How can we sit still?

And not have the slightest bit of curiosity 

Stop with the dishonesty 

It doesn’t take the lottery to 

Buy a little bit of modesty 

They say we’re free 

But what does that really mean? 

Cause to me it’s the feeling 

It’s the feeling of jumping out of an airplane, 

Plummeting down as the fresh, crisp, air

Hits me in my face 

As reality comes down with me 

Stress is the reason for why im dressed how im dressed. 

Stress makes me think of what others may think when they look at me. 

Stress is the reason for why I can not sleep. 

You wonder why we’re still friends but we’re stuck together until the end. 

I tried to break our friendship up but whatever I do it’s never enough.

Stress is why I’m always tired.

And why I can never go to my other friends bonfires.

I’m stuck at home studying. 

And for me to get stuck with a friend like stress just lets you know my level of luck.

All the homework that I get stress is why its never finished.

S.T.R.E.S.S

Stress has other friends to a ton of friends who are in highschool. 

Stress is like a full time job.

Stress does give me a break somedays but its not much.

For I have a billion and one hunches for why it won’t leave me alone.

My mom says I can’t have friends over on school nights but Stress finds a way to get in.

She stays in my room while I eat dinner 

She waits for me to come back 

And thats when she makes her attacks

Help Help Help

I say in my brain but the helps won’t come out because she keeps them contained like leftovers from last night.

Stress not gonna lie but you me best

But I hate the fact I can’t get any rest

S.T.R.E.S.S

She has her good days but I feel like she only talks to me on her bad days.

When I watch the news I feel stress sneaking around the corner to tell me to panic.

I ask her when do I get a say?

A say in what I want and a say in what I need. 

“What I need is sleep and for you to just let me be”

S.T.R.E.S.S my bestfriend until the very end

As skinny as hipsters jeans as I stood in my little one piece swimsuit

Staring into the deep dark water below me

Afraid to jump in

High on the cliff

Only here once

Can’t go back now

But did I have to go forward?

Hands sweaty

Heart racing 

Knees weak

My mind still pacing

And tracing

All those times I should have been embracing

The ones that are hard for me to be facing

The ones I'll never be erasing

The ones I wish I could be replacing

Regret came and knocked on my door 

I invited it in for dinner and it’s been here ever since

When they said cliff jumping 

I didn’t think it would be this high

And now I’m having a stare down with fear itself

I look down

Down 

Down to see my father in the water

Smiling

His words playing in my head

‘20 seconds of bravery’

‘20 seconds of bravery’

Stolen from some movie we watched as a family a few years ago while shoving greasy pizza in our mouths

This line couldn’t,

wouldn’t

escape from my juvenile brain

20 seconds of bravery

20 seconds of forgetting everything holding me back

20 seconds of being free

“Take it all in kids, we most likely will never be here again.”

The words like knives in my back urging me to take this once in a lifetime opportunity

Urging me to jump

Time runs out

So I kicked regret out

20 seconds of bravery was all I needed 

The wind rushed past me

Gravity working faster than ever

The water made space for one more

As I plummeted down into it

Smile on my face here to stay

I learned that it can be hard to jump sometimes

It can be hard to leave our comfortable lives

Cuddled under a warm blanket 

Ramen noodles boiling on the stove

Fuzzy socks suffocating our feet

But the clock runs out

And there's no time to pout

No time to hideout

Don’t doubt

Don’t be that dropout

Don’t just sit in the dugout

Who cares about the turnout

It’s time for you to get the word out

It’s time for you to plan your route

All it takes is 20 seconds of bravery

Boiling inside, nowhere to turn.

Political divide brings exhaustion.

Media fuels the fire. The public school environment is not neutral.

Do families sit around the table and discuss the topic at hand? Are decisions made by social media? Or by truth? Do parents guide? 

Or are they the blind leading the blind? Are parents angry and pass that along to their kids?

Anger is at the core. Sarcasm seems to reign. 

If I share what I believe, it might not be what you like. Respect is gone. Mouths open too quickly.

Why is that? 

Misunderstandings  

Misperceptions 

Manipulation

It only takes a spark to start a forest fire 

Anger is tool that can cause destruction or change.

America let's choose change.

Life is to short to sit around with anger in your heart. 

For generations, grandma’s have said, “you need to breath”,   

America needs to breath. Think before you speak; speak in truth.

“Love your neighbor as yourself”. This does not mean love only your

Neighbor if they are like you.

Anger can be used in multiple ways. It is not a sin in itself.

But our response to it is crucial.

I breath…... 

Political divide, boiling inside

I will not let my anger cause destruction. 

Kill my hours of sleep

Kill the friendships I once had 

And  you killed my interactions with the real world

Social Media you’re like an addiction I just can’t quit

Social Media it feels like we’re in a relationship but just friends with benefits

Whats the benefits for me though?

The benefit of losing sleep?

The benefit of how I lay around and never get on my feet?

Or is it the benefit of how I must put on a fake smile for my followers to love my pictures?

Instagram

Snapchat 

Facebook

Twitter

Hearting post I really don’t like

Watching peoples stories when in reality they’re quite boring unless its fights.

Facebook I’m only cool if I have over 5,000 friendsbut in real life are pretend

Twitter you’re the reason for why I don’t like my babysitter.

This poem is about a cold blooded killer

Not a painkiller 

Social Media you murderer

I hope you get caught 

I hope that one day in my head you’ll be a last minute thought

Music is amazing,

Yet, it’s just a bunch of crazy noises,

Corresponding in our heads,

Tied together with unique voices

Music is amazing, 

Getting us hyped before the big game,

Making our veins pump adrenaline through our veins,

Treating us like we are in the hall of fame

Music is amazing,

Playing the song everyone has that bring tears to our eyes,

That one perfect diamond that’s special to us differently,

Always perfect, no matter how fast time flies

Music is amazing,

Constantly surrounding us like a warm blanket on a frigid november night,

When we are feeling half of what we are it’s suddenly there,

Helping us in the dark as if it’s a flashlight

Music is amazing,

Even as just simple sound in the background,

Can lift the spirits of us,

Giving us energy like a greyhound

Music is amazing,

Giving a party lots of exciting energy,

With the loud bass pumping like a heartbeat,

Louder than any human will ever be

Music is amazing,

With the chilled country swinging side to side,

Guitar strings strumming with an exciting bounce,

In the warm summer heat by the dockside

Music is amazing,

Even the “normal” pop makes you want to get up and bust a move,

The crazy sounds staying in your head,

Definitely gets anyone in the groove

Music is amazing,

The crazy hip hop artists from Kanye to Uzi spitting bars,

All claiming to be the best,

Yet all get bumping in our cars.

 

Music is amazing.

The new boy who lived across the street stole my heart the minute he looked both ways and crossed

Blue eyes that rivaled the pacific

 I was hopeless, lost at sea

His grandmother gazed knowingly as she watched me wade over

Smiled to herself as he tucked a cherry blossom behind my ear

Chuckled as I ran away giggling, sure he could hear my heart beating through my chest

We were six

Strawberry jelly sticks to grubby fingers laced together

Lips red from cherry juice from the fruits we picked off the tree in his front yard

Together, we talked for hours about everything and nothing

Watching the five koi in his pond swim round and round 

And there was something about him

A boy with a laugh as joyous as church hymns

A sound I wanted to wrap myself in

We were six, but he made me feel safe

A boy who was sweet, and kind to me

Because that was all he knew how to be

A boy who was innocent and true

Blue stained tongues by the frosting on the cupcakes from the birthday party only I was invited to

A boy I woke up to with a bouquet of blooms on my doorstep

Just to surprise me

He didn’t need a reason 

Just because

Just because he wanted to make me smile 

His mother scolded him for stealing from her flowerbed

But he assured me it was worth it

That I was worth it

And I believed him

Because he was a boy who was honest 

Trustworthy

Unscathed by toxic masculinity 

We were seven when he moved away

Taking tag, tea parties, and cherry blossoms with him

I watched for days

Watched for him sitting in his cherry tree waiting for me

I waited for days

Waited for him to knock on my door 

And greet me with a lopsided smile

I hoped for weeks

Hoped for something that was gone for good 

He left the five koi in his pond 

I fed them every day so they would still be alive when he came back

He would come back

I watched

Waited

Hoped

 

I was eight when the last one went belly up

Eight when a new family moved into the yellow house 

And cut down the cherry tree

And filled in the pond

And neglected the flower beds

Knocked over the mailbox we painted with their truck

I was nine when I forgot

Nine when I finally stopped

Watching

Waiting 

Hoping

We we six

And I haven’t felt a love like it since.

I thought I could fly

I thought I could float down mountains

Like mary poppins

So I jumped down our tree house 

With an umbrella in my tiny right hand

When I was 9 

I thought every boy I met 

Was my soulmate

Unless they caught cooties

So I found a cutie 

Without cooties

He flipped a coin and I was his 

And he was mine

When I was 9 

I thought the graffiti on a tree

In our playground was fairy dust

So my friends and I waited by the tree

So we could ask the fairies

If they could teach us how to dance 

While we fly 

When I was 9

I learned 

Any moment I could start flooding blood 

And some girl had already started and 

Flooded her seat with the red bloody goo

So I prepared myself 

For the flood to come

When I was 9

I saw my best friend puke 

As the months of the year song played 

And everyone stared

So I called her after school

She was sick but it felt like she died 

I wanted to be sick with her 

Missing her so much was lonely

 

When I was 11 reality slapped me in the face

With the tall grass in our backyard

At the bottom of our tree house

Just like the cutie who didn’t have cooties

But wasn’t my true love 

Just like the graffiti 

That was written with hate 

And not fairy faith 

Just like the flood 

That drowned me with the

Realism of sexism 

Just like my bestie 

That got taken by the puke and then

The smartie girls in middle school 

Having the miss stick to me like super glue 

Now 14

I realize 

There are just some things 

You can’t explain

At such a 

Young

age

She leapt and bound,

Reaching for the stars with every footstep.

She danced and twirled 

And sang and laughed.

She lived in a castle that towered above the cloads,

She goverened her people 

And had her very own mighty army.

She loved everyone in her kingdom

She played with her peg-legged pirate friends

She flew on the wings of the birds

She swam in the currents of the river that cut through her land.

And she smiled

But then she awoke 

And reality came crashing down.

                   I’m actually okay.

I don’t know how, but maybe for once

That's fine

  Maybe its alright to be and breathe

Because the broken verbs and words

I try to get from mind to pen to paper

Are too much, and the tired synonyms of 

“Why” are left behind

With the rest of the people who leave

Maybe I’m scared because every friend I’ve had

Has left without a goodbye

And I feel myself pulling away

When I want to stay but I can’t because if I don’t leave first

They’ll see I’m not all I chalked up to be

And I can’t handle the sadness that will be in their eyes

Not sad exactly but more angry or mad

But disappointment will fall on me because all of my failures

Come to me, and that's all I’ll be

It’s not my fault they leave

But i can’t help but feel responsible for the 

Way I breathe because even if I’m okay

I can’t replace my brain

And the pain the rides with it 

Like a bittersweet symphony of broken dreams 

Please tell them I sorry

Because in the first time in a while, I want to be okay
But the impossible epiphany of everything

Can't help but get stuck in the way. 

Or, my past self, I mean

Because there’s always room for improvement.

Sometimes I cringe.

I cringe at how uptight I was in 6th grade.

I cringe thinking about how I lost 20 bucks in a dark corn maze

I cringe at how my trumpet got dented

I cringe at how slow I ran

I cringe at how I sweat gallons without a fan

And I cringe at how much I cringe.

But I learn from my past because before all of that I was carefree.

I could slide down a frosted hill and have my biggest worry be having to dust off my pants.

I could cry without anyone judging me

I could watch hundreds of lanterns flying in the city sky and imagine flying amongst the stars.

I couldn’t be unnerved.

But it’s okay.

I still find happiness.

It’s everywhere.

In listening to the radio

Or playing my music

Or watching the sun rise late on a November day.

And my twenty was found

My trumpet was fixed

And my personality improved.

So this seems like a fairytale ending,

And it is.

Always hope for happy endings.

There's a sudden puddle on the floor

My eyes are the sprinklers other children ran through

The guilt and regret taking on a blue hue

My thoughts are a stormy cloud

The shredded paper laying in a heap, disavowed

If only there was something I could do

To kindle the sheets and start over new

All I need is something magical

Something dazzling to spark up the dull

Something like a spell or special stew

That's it! I'll run to Hogwarts where happiness brews!

Where children learn lessons and strive to fly

Where smiles stretch wider and wish their worries goodbye

I’ll leave right now, leave my parents behind

Never again will I be held back and confined

The wind whisking leaves around my old home’s sleight of hand

As I scamper blindly through the damp streets of Scotland

Help me, magic, help me finally find happiness

With you, magic, I’ll no longer be such a mess

There you are, magic, right in the closet

Finally I’ve found you, after Mother’s deposit

One pill goes down, the potions and spells begin to save

The shredded papers that’s left of me, all taped up in a wave

Oh, too much, what have I done?

At least I’ve felt happiness before I was no one

Or maybe its my unforsaken need of attention 

But in times that I need correction

I find myself slowly screaming

Broken words and burning tongues

And stuck in my throat, the forgotten 

Unsung words of today are forwarded to tomorrow 

Because I’m afraid of what I say 

Because what if they leave and finally see

That they'll be better of without me

The pressure of today, stresses of tomorrow 

Failure is what you expect from me

But what if I can be more than what you see

Maybe all these insecurities are bred from what you say

I want to be my own person, I’m not your mistakes or your broken, uncharacteristic titles

I don’t know who I am or I’m supposed to be, but you have that planned for me

Because you failed and had me

I know im not what you wanted

The broken daughter with different ideals 

And morals you just can’t seem  to handle

Maybe you don’t mean it but whatever I say

Is a joke and my opinion on important matters are swept away

We share genes

But I'm not your mistakes of choices 

Please don’t place me on this pedestal because I have a fear of failure

Because if I don’t make it up there, you'll be sad and maybe see I can't be

What you want

I’ll try but I feel stress

And anger and above all 

This anxiety isn’t yours but mine and even though I try to explain

You sweep it away like its not there

I try to function but I can't because you refuse to do what's best

Because you made a mistake at my age 

And won’t let me be my own person 

Please why can’t I have a break, maybe one or two mistakes is okay

But my ungodly fear of rejection

And unforsaken need of attention are consuming these 

Because for today

I’m too tired to say

“Hey,

Maybe I’m not okay.”

1’s and 0’s

Boys and girls

Knock knock

I used to think this room was my life

Dark and cold

Away from light

Knock knock

I used to be told

Only boys can like girls

Knock knock

I used to believe our world is binary

Its not

Men and women

That’s not where I fall

Knock knock

I was told only boys can like girls

I laugh

Knock knock

Knock knock

Knock knock

Who’s there?

We are

My heart skipped 3 beats to catch its breath. I sat tall and puffed out my chest, clearly asserting my dominance and said, “No, but you can ask my mom if we can have a snack.” And with that, he hopped off the swing and hobbled over to my mom to please the diva inside of me.

I am 6 years old, being beaten, bruised, and broken to where there is almost nothing left. I am digging my own grave as I sit back and take the pain. I never knew what bullying was until I saw nothing but a shell of my former self in the mirror. Covered in cuts deeper than flesh and black eyes, oozing tears, swelled shut.

I am 9 years old. Covered from head to toe with the drama that I accidentally stole. I am the rope in a tug of war between the people that claim to love me more than the other. My arms are ripped from my body, leaving only part of who I am. In the end, I am left with 2 empty holes where my arms were supposed to be and a hole in my heart where my friends were supposed to be.

I am 11 years old, exploring a new world. I am running through the maze of people that floated, flirted, and disappeared around me. Everyone is so focused on their looks, their attitudes, and their friend groups. I, on the other hand, was looking for a new one. I was looking for a group where I would eventually find someone who loved me.

I am 14 years old. Lost in the sea of extracurriculars, schoolwork, and rumors. My friends are hanging out with boys and I just sit in the back, watching it all happen. Anxiety is showing up and they are shutting down as I sit in the back, watching it all happen. The school is full of hand-holding, first hugs, first kisses. First I love yous while I just sit in the back and watch it all happen. Watching the people laugh, cry, yell, experience everything they are supposed to. I sit, not experiencing anything, living in my own bubble. They start to reach out to me, but I'm too far underwater because I sat back and let it happen.

I say I can’t breathe and they say to get over it

It’s just a man.

The strangers, teachers and relatives can all scare me

And they all have

The chills I get feel like snakes gliding up my body

I never know if they’ll bite me or not

And every time it feels like they will

The hand on my shoulder

Whispers in my ear

The hot breath gliding into my brain and I sit

Trying to hold in the tears that consume me

And wiping away the ones that run 

My body shakes, and my heart pounds like a tribal drum

I smile, but I wonder if they can see through it

And sometimes they can

Home gives off relaxing vibes. The homework, and plans scheduled during the week, buzzaround and cause stress just trying to remember. At the house, I don't feel like I have enough time to do it all. But at home, itś like a step back, take a broader look at the situation, and are able to organize and coordinate.

It makes me sad at the house when the sky cries. The tears just hit the pavement and pool, instead of letting the sadness pass. At home, there's a beauty in the sadness. The pond actś as a mirror to reflect the infinite grace of the clouds, whom bring the rejuvenating drink of health to the native land yet untouched by people in which continue to to knock it down.

I have not a fear in the world.

Dandelions dot our drenched backyard.

Mom complains her hair was just curled.

I can hear church bells in the distance.

I zip my coat and flip up my hood.

The dogs whine as the family car leaves.

Anything and everything in life is good.

I am 8 years old.

I wake up to the sound of bacon snapping in the pan.

My mom sits me down to ‘have a talk.’

Realizing you weren’t coming home, into my room I ran.

No more yelling, no more fighting .

No more putting all my feelings in writing.

Finally at night I can sleep in peace, 

but have lingering feelings that might never cease.

I am 14 years old.

Life is getting more difficult every day.

School is suddenly hard, and friends are starting to change.

Everyday I miss your old self, every single day.

Though I see you some months, it’s not the same

I start to wonder, will you ever change?

Another year goes by, yet you’re still the gone.

You’ve always been around, but never with me for long.

Stuck in a world where only bad things happened

But they saw the good,

Even when their souls had been blackened

They saw the good in the smiles, the eyes,

And the hearts

They made the best out of any situation

Even in the worst parts

The bloody scars of the battles they fought

Together

For one another

To seek the shelter they bought

The shower of dreams took over

Awaken by the rush of the flow

But how would they get through it?

If nobody even knows

The bond they shared was unbreakable 

To every single mark

Even when happy faces and hurtful snarks

Made them come apart

Mountains climbed in a day

Or even miles ran by the invisible bay

Their souls were together

No matter when the bond chose to fray 

So when two stars are among a billion planets

Stuck in a world where only bad things happened

There would never be any bandits

To break the love

That they shared so closely

High up in the sky without a single thought

Of coming down

But all of a sudden a certain ringing 

Comes to my ears and hit me

Like a hot stone from hell

And I am at rock bottom

Unable to crawl out of the

Burning hole that sucks the life

Out of me, I’m reaching for any hydration

That could save me from this devastating 

Sensation 

I can’t seem to find my way out

And the thoughts keep rushing

Through and through my veins

And don’t plan on stopping

Words have a certain way 

Of showing us how others truly feel

They rub us all differently

All that matters is how we individually 

Care for the rash

But this rash is spreading quickly

Down past my heart and all

The way to my toes that 

Crinkle up in fear

Get off the cloud that once

Protected me

Get off the cloud that once saw the 

Best in me

Your words can not

Harm me as much as my own

Thoughts

There is not enough room on my

Little cloud for the both on us 

This is for you

My best friend 

The person who I can spill my

Soul to

Who can relate to me 

Like no other

Who I can laugh with 

Till we cry

And who I can cry to 

Till you make me laugh

Never have you told me

I wasn’t good enough 

Turned your back on me

Or ever in a million years

Let me down

You are my best friend

I’ve put my trust in you

You have always been there for me and

I trust you completely

You’re the type of friend everyone wants

You have gone through so much

And yet you still have time for

I look at you and I see

A person who I can spill my secrets to

A gift from God

I see

My best friend

Your smile brings so much joy to my day because

I know you will always

Be there when I need it

You are my life

I was in the dark

But you came with the candle

One minute I’m longing

For friends

And the next 

I’m longing to be with 

People I just met 

Just remember

I’m here 

I’ll listen

And I will not judge

I’ll soak it in 

And try to say something 

Worth your time

I’ll be there

When you need someone

Someone to hold you

When you have no one

Someone who you can trust

I’ll hold your secrets 

With my heart

And I’ll hold

When your tears are drowning you

I might not have the words to say

Or the right words to heal a wound

But I’ll try my best

I can’t say I get it all the time

But I can say I’m here to help

I don’t have the words to always make you feel better

I do have the arms 

To embrace you

Ears to listen

To whatever you need

To talk about

And a heart

A heart that’s never

Giving up on your happiness

I’m here and you never

Have to feel out of place

I will support you

I will always help and 

care for you in the process

I’ll always be there for you

You are a precious gift to me 

You are loved and your

Life has impacted me

You are my best friend 

I really want you to know that

I just hope I’m half the friend you are to me...

It will never be love at first sight. 

We will see each other for the first time, 

And then I will suddenly remember,

where  I loved and saw you before. 

I’ve seen you in my mother's eyes once, 

When she once told me to be with the boy, 

Who reminds me of myself. 

Therefore it will be love at first remembrance. 

How did I know?

When you find the one who makes you genuinely happy,

You’ll never have your doubts.

When you look into his eyes and find your happiness,

He's the one. 

So I’ve seen you in my Grandmother's eyes once,

When she told me to stay with the one

Who needs you more than you could 

ever need him. 

So please never leave,

Because then I’ll have to explain to my Grandmother and mother

You were never the one. 

No matter how much I saw you in their eyes,

You were the opposite of the one. 

You were the opposite of me,

My love. 

Do you question your own existence?

Do you wonder if anyone would actually love you?

Yes? No?

But you will never ask anyone to love you, because you know no one would ever go the distance.

It’s sad how people don’t even try to help.

Can you imagine all the lives and mindsets that would be saved if just one person reached out?

You never know, but trust me there are too many to count.

People whose lives have been turned upside down.

They are very well hidden, but the people that care may be too.

But trusting that living is the way just makes them overwhelmed. 

You may not realize it now, but everyone has an unknown lover. 

Now obviously you think i'm oblivious,

 but there’s someone in this world who’s in love but never discovered.

So if you follow through, you will regret it.

And so will YOUR unknown lover.

Everyone has their own place. 
you mean so much to people, it's insane.
people fall in love when they just look at your face.
if you try to tell yourself different, ask anyone. They will uncover and you will discover your unknown lover.

I wouldn’t need to write poetry about you. 

You wouldn’t even be around, because if I’ve learned anything, 

It’s that it’s easier to never have the things you love than lose them. 

In this alternate world,

I would’ve already done something about my friends. 

I wouldn’t need to think about “the mask” and realize you never took yours off. 

In a better world,

I already came to terms with who I am as a person. 

I don’t need constant validation from my peers in this world, 

Because I have myself. 

In another reality,

I don’t need to wish for my happiness,

Because I already am.

In a perfect world,

I’m not insensitive to the world around me. 

I don’t let the outside world affect mine internal,

Because I’ve lost so much to the cold that I could’ve kept warm.

In a better world,

I let myself love.

The fear of being alone is obsolete in the presence of love.

But I’m not in a better world.

I live my life cowering from the closest feelings.

Falling victim to those whose only wish is to see me hurt. 

Even in some points, I think I’m fine,

But then I realize no matter what 

I’ll never be in a better world. 

I think sometimes, 

And then I look around and I’m thrown for a loop. 

I watch them smile, laugh. Live.

And I’m trapped behind an artificial screen I refused to let down,

Even when I was desperate for release. 

I watch you in the hallway, terrified to make the wrong move or say the wrong thing. 

Most days now, I keep to myself

Thinking about what it’d be like in a better world. 

In  the second grade, my only problems were if I had the same cherry red lip gloss as everyone else, or if my light up sneakers were cool enough. I didn’t think about world hunger, racism, or gender equality.  I didn’t pay any attention to the little girl who I couldn’t quite remember the name of, with her beat up high tops and old plaid skirt. I didn’t think about what set the little girl in the corner apart from the rest of us.

In the fifth grade I realised how messed up the world is. I saw the family on the side of the street while my own sat in the car with the heat on. I noticed the girl in the corner with her same beat up high tops, with holes in the toes . I saw the ways the boys stuck their noses in the air as if they were smarter, faster, and stronger, than us girls. I saw the headlines “Black unarmed boy shot by white police officer” Same story, new family to go through the pain of losing their boy. 

My senior year I am the girl who spends her weekned holding up signs protesting about gun safetly, unfair foster systems, and racism. I realised I don’t need four pairs of the same shoe in different colors. I refuse to back down, not now not ever. I am one of many others of this generation. Of now. You can try to shut us up, push us down, it won’t work. 

Skinny jeans, hearts held together by seams

Straightened hair, but don’t let them see you care

Makeup face to cover the base

Crop tops are for older girls

Leggings are much too revealing 

She doesn’t deserve him if her top’s that thin 

Dyed hair? Try hard 

Natural hair? Mmm… too basic 

We are teenage girls 

We are teenage girls

Our friends either stay or leave

They put on their costumes and act out the scene

Lots of guy friends? Negative 

Don’t like a guy? Hmm you’re missing out

Weather you have guy friends or no guys at all. 

We are changing 

We are teenage girls 

#girlssupportinggirls

But is that really true? 

Spilling tea? Gossiping? Same thing

We are confused 

We are teenage girls

On Saturdays we take a break from the costume 

On Sundays we wash it so it’s ready for the week ahead. 

We get one day off

Sweatpants? Lazy

Messy buns? Only accepted by the fake VSCO boys 

We are quick change artists 

We are teenage girls

Expected to have it all together

Look cute, feel cute, be cute 

Smile, head high, don’t let them see

Laugh, go along with it, it’s fine 

We are standards with a capital S 

We are teenage girls 

Respect your parents? Goodie goodie

Disobey them? Rebellious 

We are unpredictable

We are teenage girls 

The memories from girlhood still flood our brain 

When we were ten we’d wear peace sign earrings 

The pink and purple signs hang lightly 

As light as the problems we had 

We hadn’t discovered the secrets yet 

They were not yet known 

At eleven we discovered mascara 

At thirteen how to cry it off in a couple seconds 

At fourteen, we accepted the talk, talk

Talk 

At fifteen, we became our own individual, unique

Beautiful person

We loved it 

They didn’t 

And while we continued to love it, they brought us down  

We lost our confidence for a while

We lost our sense of individuality

But we didn’t lose the fire 

The flame was little, but it was fierce 

Our idea of hoping we’d still be accepted

Didn’t burn out, unfortunately 

We are support seeking 

We are teenage girls 

Then one day we discovered

They will never accept us 

So why try?

Step out of the box

Take off the mask

Change out the costume

Just be, because 

We are done 

Or my freshman year of college

I had just gotten paid

And now I need to get my knowledge

I have never been more nervous before

School has always come easy for me 

Carrying all my books around campus makes me sore

I also can never see

Entering class on the first day

I could barely stand up 

As I walked in a girl said hey

And some random guy said sup

One of my professor’s names is Mr. Spand

He teaches us Spanish

Then this hot guy slowly raised his hand

Who was very manish

College has not been that bad 

After my first year I’m in a lot of debt

It makes me very sad

But I’m dating a guy I recently met

We haven’t been dating for a while

He just took me on a date

He told me he loves my smile 

And my beautiful name of Kate

My classes haven’t been super hard 

In math I have to graph lines

I always use my card 

And never graph on the spine

Over all college has been great

Most people here are so nice

I’ve already met a mate

And some random girl gave me lice

I have had lice for quite some time

My boyfriend helped it go away

This was a bad design 

But my boyfriend had to stay

My boyfriend was the one

We went through everything together

He made a great pun 

No matter the weather

The class of ‘22 

We are the ones who just experienced our first day of high school

We are ones who think were cool but really look like fools

We are ones who are in the back of the stands

We are the ones who have four more years in this learning land 

The class of ‘19 gone

We are one up on the totem pole 

We are strolling around the halls

We are driving and thriving 

We are saying “Go home freshmen”

The class of ‘20 gone 

We went to prom 

We tried to stay calm 

We took our SATs

We sent in our college applications 

We waited in this station and came to realizations 

The class of ‘21 gone 

We are in front of the stands 

We are trying to get everything planned

We are finally finding out our future 

We are glooming on the past 

We are wondering how things went so fast 

The class of '22 gone

Most people meet their best friend when they’re in school but I

I live with mine.

When I was 4 I went to school for the first time 

And I cried the whole time.

I wept till I couldn’t breathe because I missed you 

I missed you mom.

We used to sing “My Favorite Things” when I was feeling down because naming my favorite things made everything seem alright.

I would sing for My mom, My dad, and The Kid Cuisines I would eat.

When I was 8 you left 

For a trip 

And I never thought you would come back

But when you did it brightened my summer.

Because you’re not just my mom 

Mom 

You were, are, and always will be my very best friend.

Thanks mom for all the days you spent with me

When no one wanted to be with me

When no one wanted to be with me you were always there

There for me.

You were my shoulder to lean on 

My Shoulder to cry on

When I was 12

I learned all my secrets were safe with you

And there was no one on this Earth who understood more than you.

Because the truth is mother really does know best.

Through the hard times you’ve been there to say

Everything my darling, everything will be okay

My whole life you’ve reminded me to be kind

Be the kind of person who goes out of their way

To make anyone’s day

Be the kind of person who people have no reason to hate

But somehow I still managed to make enemies.

When I was 13 you held me when I lost my first best friend 

And you helped me understand 

That everything 

Happens

For 

A

Reason

When I was 14 mom 

You really became my very best friend

Now I’m not one of the girls who lies to their mom

I’m the one who would do anything for their mom

Sharing my secrets with the only one who can keep them

And having a bond that will not break like one of a lousy friend.

I told you about my first heartbreak

And you told me yours

And we sang about our favorite things and then 

I didn’t feel 

So Bad

I want to be left alone, 

I don’t want attention, 

I want nothing from others. 

Leave me alone. 

Leave me alone.

You all keep talking to me

I don’t want to talk to you.

Paranoia, just want to deploy a parachute and never come down.

Im told that I raise the bar, but the truth is that you put it too low in the first place.

I figured out how to tie a lace, why do I need you guys now? 

For your sake just leave me alone, or you will be nothing but bone. Just let me play on my phone.

Leave me alone, leave me alone, get away from me, sure i’m on a sleigh going down hill, but the whole point of sledding is to get back up. 

I want you to stop, talking,stalking,squawking in my ear that you enjoy my presence, in case you didn’t know, I don’t like yours tho. You’re a foe so you better go.

Let me be alone, if I want a friend I will make a clone, cause nobody knows me better than me. So you better beat it, before you are it. Playing games with me is the same as torturing a baby, we both cry. Cause maybe we don’t like you.

If I want something i’ll ask you or not, I don’t want to be bothered. 

Yeah I don’t want to know ya because I have Mysophobia, and there’s a reason.

Why can’t you leave me be? I fix my brain from the pain of you talking to me.

Why can’t you make my wish come true and act like I don’t exist? 

In other words Leave me alone, before I turn you to bone with my hate. Ask me questions i’ll destroy them faster than my demons. Bye, bye I never say Hi, hi, don’t try to give me a high five, you will only get the middle one of the five. Trust me you don’t want to burst my bubble. This occurs faster than your mumbles.

Leave me alone, Leave me alone, don’t you have a phone? Go play on that because I'm sick of saying it, just let me sit in the pit, and gnaw on my bone, just leave me alone. Deep down Im not hurt I just want to work. 

This is the last time I shall tell you one more time, before you really turn to these bones of my disembodiment of me. 

Leave me alone!

To see Mickey,

To see Minny

To see Cinderella's Castle,

But we were just little kids with a dream,

A big dream,

Too big,

Too impossible for just little kids with a dream.

I am 4. My sister 7,

As we passed the sign with the fancy written bubble letters,

“Welcome to Orlando!”,

We started to ask the two questions that had stopped us before,

Too big?

Too Impossible for just little kids with a dream?

Yet now that too big, too impossible dream was so close to becoming reality,

That is right!

!Reality!

Although all good things come at a cost,

Happiness is never free,

Our parents new that,

For them happiness outweighed the cost, 

For them their children's needs outweighed theirs,

For them our happiness was all that mattered,

Their problems didn’t matter when their little kids were around, 

Only their kids.

There was not a dream too big,

Not a dream too impossible, 

Because with parents that put their needs before yours,

Anything is possible,

Have drifted away

Trees are losing their leaves

And will make crinkling noises under your feet

Pumpkins grow for carving time

As apples grow for munching time

Sweater weather is the best

Everyone is wearing vests

A dash of snow is in your hair

The smell of pumpkin spice in the air

The cloudy days

Are better than May

Spooky season has begun 

And to warm weather, the animals run

Decorations fill the streets

As smoke rises from the chimneys

Football season is the best

No other sport can be put to the test

Little children all dressed up in costume

Like some dressed as witches carry around their broom

Halloween has come to an end 

But now it is time to be thankful for family and friends

Turkey time

Will always be prime

Kids laughing and playing in leaves

They jump and sing in their warm long sleeves

A new smell fills the air

Grandma’s food flows down the stairs

Friends and family come together

Their laughing and joy creates such a clatter

After family dinner has come to an end

The wonderful fall season will have to come again

From dirty feet

I am the dog that gets left home

From swimming in the lake

From dog hair covered shirts

I am from adventure

I am from home 

From not liking school

From not being popular

From being abandoned 

From being laughed at.

From not being cool

I am from sweden

It runs through my blood

From working hard to being lazy

I am from impatient

From not good enough

I am from worship

From late nights at church

From praying

From blessings and not luck

I am from God 

I am from food 

From cooking 

From cutting

From mixing 

From helping

I am from caring

From determination 

From big 

From small

From thinking of you

Take a breath…

Breath

Just breath 

Take a minute to 

Think

Just think

Think about your next move

Think about what happens after

Just think.

Take a breath.

Inhale 

Exhale

It’s simple

But sometimes I forget 

To breath

To think 

Living in the moment can be a dangerous thing

Saying ok can be dangerous 

But as long as you 

Breath

And think 
Everything will be ok.

The luminus homes.

We drive through wonderland.

Tis’ the season!

Cookie day is coming.

Friends sit on the couch and sip hot chocolate,

Family surrounds the tv as the Grinch plays.

Welcome to Michigan!

More specifically Grand Rapids.

Snow falls in sheets

And it makes my hair sparkle in the light.

Lauren and I sit outside and eat snowballs.

A fire sparks in the hearth.

My Grandma Anne drives over in the cold

A bag of presents the size of a small child sits in the back seat.

Upon arrival,

She comes inside and we eat lasagna.

Hellooooo tradition.

We wake up at eight,

But it feels like six.

The unspoken rule sweeps the house:

Once one kid is up,

 they wake the rest.

Stockings hang on the mantle,

Full to the brim.

Socks, shaving cream, candy.

The miscellaneous items control different sections of the living room.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Now onto the presents.

Going one by one,

The big bows’ glitter reflect our anticipation.

Awaiting their moment patently,

They spill their contents the moment the paper is torn.

Wait. 

Wait .

Wait .

Now it’s time for brunch.

Danish and kielbasa steam on the table at Grandma Kathy’s house,

Our eyes devour the spread before a bite is even taken.

 

Wait. 

Wait.

Wait.

The uncles, my dad, and now Jacob descend downstairs to fetch the gifts.

Bringing up bunches of the brightly wrapped boxes the living room quickly has no more room.

Literally, 

It fills the entire room.

All seventeen of us gather on the outskirts 

And once more,

We go one by one.

 

The balls of paper now lay in ruins of waste.

Cookies are all devoured.

Christmas’s curtains are closing.

Another year, another celebration, another passing.

Rewind is clicked and repeat is set to play for the next year.

And the next, and the next.

In humble homes with heavenly hot chocolate,

And blankets to warm their toes

Nights are spent singing and singing,

Or spent endlessly wrapping and wrapping

Preparing for the stomping and stomping on rooftops 

Stories are read, kids are tucked in

Parents hide the last of the presents under the tree

The kids lay quietly with a quickly growing grin

The time seems to slow 

As we await this joyous day

And outside in the snow

Reindeer start to play

Santa runs across roofs

And the reindeers hooves skate

Dropping pretty presents into the chimney

On this joyous christmas day

Kids jump out of their beds

Pressing their pink cheeks to the windows

“I saw him! I saw him!”

Others gather round to see

You must only see him if you really believe

And if you really believe 

Then you know it must be true

That this jolly man brings presents to me and you!

We wake the parents and they come down to see

“A shooting star, that’s what it must be”

It cannot be true

“We saw him, we did!”

The parents head back to bed, 

The kids slowly do too

But they won’t forget the man in red

Who dropped presents into our chimney

On this joyous Christmas day

The title that I wore on the sash I got when you were born made me light up.

Being the role model for a little one who doesn’t know how to walk.

It made me chuckle because that’s all I had ever wanted. And I had it.  

That’s why I love you.

Asking our mom time and time again, what you will be like.

The love that would be brought into our house when you came. 

The tears that would fill the eyes of those you saw your precious face. 

The corners of your lips that turn upwards at the smile of another.

That’s why I love you.

The face of a fighter is the face you wear daily. 

You make me wince in amusement when you spit a witty joke you carry pride in.  

You bounce with each step you take, and carry little worry about the future. 

I’m utterly amazed by you.

That’s why you are beautiful.

Even when you are at a loss, you focus on the gain of others.

Your little hands do so much good for the world.

You love those who feel no love 

And you transmit joy to those around you.

That’s why I admire you.

My heart breaks for you when you fall down.

But your heart is healed by the people you surround yourself with.

You hide the things that don’t need to be hidden

And you keep your hurt locked inside your heart until it’s too much for you to handle. 

That’s why I can help you. 

Come to me with the questions you have about this messed up and beautiful world.

Cherish the life that you live always. 

Let me live this life that we have been given together.

You’re worth is valued more that the universe itself.

That’s why I will listen to you. 

You have more compassion in your finger than most have in their entire body.

Love yourself fully, 

And love what you have been given.

Never let anything knock you down, but if something does, I will pick you up.

That’s why I will always love you. 

I start listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween

And I’m not ashamed. 

I don’t care what anybody says. 

November is just another month to celebrate.

I break out my knee high elf socks 

And my santa hot chocolate mug 

And I’m ready to go. 

You know that special Christmas scent 

that fills your lungs when you walk into a store in the winter? 

Yeah, that’s my house. 

Red and green candles in every room. 

And for each candle, there’s at least one string of lights. 

And for each string of lights, there’s one circle wreath. 

Just simple ones, as to not overdo it. 

On my kitchen counter

There’s always freshly baked Christmas cookies

With freshly made Christmas frosting

With freshly poured Christmas sprinkles

And if you could bottle up some Christmas spirit

I bet you that would be there too

Ready to dunk the cookies in

Because they are still cookies after all

And they must be dunked in SOMETHING!

Actually

I don’t know why people make such a big fuss over Thanksgiving

I mean sure there’s family to see

And food to eat

But am I thinking about food or family when I’m being forced to clean the house?

I’ll answer for you

Heck to the no

I’m thinking about how stupid cleaning is

My house is the house all my family flocks to

To escape the cold

And have a nice Christmas dinner

Because Christmas is a time for joy

And my house certainly has that down 

Falling onto a soft blanket of snow.

As the snowman sits there,

With the snow drifting lazily down around him. 

Black button eyes and smile, 

Topped off with a carrot nose, hat and scarf. 

It's a sled, full of gleeful children comes racing down the hill, 

Hitting the snowman at top speed.

The children rolling around in the snow, 

Laughing.

Excited for the events that would occur the next day.

It's a Christmas tree, sitting alone in a house, 

The twinkling lights with ornaments and topped with a star.

With Santa Claus coming down the chimney 

And setting presents underneath the tree. 

Eager little children waking up at the crack of dawn,

To see what Santa left them.

It's the little baby that was born in a manger, 

To save us all from the evils of this earth. 

Families spending time together,

Love and joy all around. 

This is Christmas.

Out where the wild brambles lie,

Where the trees keep their leaves each and every year,

And the creatures won’t ever die;

There’s many a story behind the old woods,

Told by all the old people in town,

They say that at one time the old folk came in and granted the deed,

Not one being would be harmed here for as long as they were around;

And the humans would leave,

And the peace would stay,

For when it comes to true peace,

There’s nary another way;

And as the years tumbled along,

Through another story and another song,

The old woods stayed as vibrant as the last,

The old woods stayed and replays the past;

The old woods are beautiful,

In that old and lovely scene,

For you see there is no human there,

Not a single one to be seen;

From the critters that skitter,

To the leaves on the trees,

Nothing ever changes,

Not even the sweet, crisp smell on the breeze;

Not one person knew,

Nor had they seen,

The season in that woods,

Whether plants were dead or green;

And it stayed…

Consistent,

And it stays...

Persistent;

And everything in the old woods stays.

I am greeted by everything familiar, the faces, the smell, the pit in my stomach

The time before warm up seems a fraction of the time it is

An agonizing hour goes by with people packed into the pool like sardines 

Eventually we are finished and ready to race

Our parkas keep us warm as well as the comfort and discomfort floating through the air

Sitting behind the blocks, the energy is completely different from the side of the pool 

The competition is real now

Not always between teams, not always between swimmer

Between the swimmer and the clock

The clock is always counting, always relentless
The one thing that will never lie to you

When our time to swim comes, time itself seems to stop

Held together only by the water

Every breath threatens to statter it

Every stroke bends time further

All at once, time comes rushing back in the forms of numbers

They rate us and define our lives

Separating us and bringing us together in times of hardship and euphoria

No one is closer but us

Fighting through hard workouts

Squeezing into impossibly small suits

Always there for eachother, even when the clock isn’t

But he told me that everything was gonna be okay,

he lied

I wanted to go home 

But I was 1,231 miles away 

With a flight that was a week away

He didn’t know how I felt

Which I think hurt me even more

I wanted to go home

But I felt like I was being torn apart like a piece of bread

Being fed to wild animals as their midnight snack.

Being ignored by my own father…

That is what hurt me the most

I wanted to go home

Getting a phone call from my mother to ask how i'm doing

Lies… that’s all that came out of my mouth

More and more lies everytime that she called

After I hung up I just wanted to fall

That hurt even more than normal

I wanted to go home

But my eyes started to tear up little by little as I got on that plane

With my red eyes popping out like a vein

I turn back to give that final goodbye

And It no longer hurt anymore

I wanted to go home

But I felt like a little kid, screaming to get what I wanted,

To go home

But when I finally got It

I never felt the same 

The one blue eyed dog

Guarding your heart from ache

When you’re asleep or awake

Always there to keep you warm

Even when you transform

New hair, new eyes

New skirt, new guys

When all go away

He is the only to stay

Never backs down

Wears his ears like a crown       

Guarding the gates to your heart

The only one who helps you when you fall apart

Those who dare to trespass are eliminated

And all others are hated

Healing the broken       

With love and slobber

The perfect hugger                   

Your one true love for the summer

Man’s best friend

Loyal till the end

The one blue eyed dog

It leaves a pop. I can hear the roofs sing.

With no sun to be,the clouds cover the world; Not a sight to be seen.

Where can I go? No places to hide. Cannot be slow.

People never know what it feels like to be in the rain.

The pain.

I have hidden for so long, but what do I know. 

I am just another Black man that has never seen the other side of the rainbow. 

I do not belong here.

Always have lived in fear.

But the rain, always comes back.

No way to escape, all the memories.

I have not been able to escape.

I hide myself from everything.

But is that the right thing?

My mom told me to reach for the sun.

But I can never find one.

It was her

Oh the body, they hair, the voice 

She is always and will be rejoyce 

I know this is not my choice but

I wanna be her

And it was the boyfriend 

Oh his eyes sparkle like no other

I’m pretty sure he got them from her mother

The jaw, the teeth, the voice, the hair

Whenever I see him I can't help myself but stare

 I wanna be her

My best friend

The popular friendly pretty one

She always happy and bright like the sun 

And of course she knows how to have some fun

I wanna be her

The boys are all over herr

Even though she has a boyfriend

The girls are all so nice to her

Even though she is MY best friend

I wish she wasn't popular 

I want this to come to a end

Maybe i'm jealous 

But I cannot mend…..

This…. 

Anymore 

I feel this deep in my core

Oh I can tell you more

But I won't

Phff Im not jealous 

Well maybe a little

I mean how can you not 

I’m a tiny little skittle  

And she is a great big chocolate bar

I wanna be her

Everyone wants her and loves her

They never want me 

They always look at her

And I am never to be seen

Sometime I imagine 

If life was different

I had the hair, the body, the looks

Id feel so loved and it would be so magnificent 

I want to be in that virtual word 

Until I come crashing down into reality

I’m sure you all are thinking

She is she and I am I 

And 

I wanna be her 

But I can't 

And I guess that's okay 

We all have our different personalities: 

The person we are near our parents, 

In front of the teachers, 

Hanging out with friends, 

Around classmates or peers

The list goes on 

Yet there doesn't seem to be the person we are all the time 

We build up these fake images of ourselves, 

Hoping to be the best version 

Because as people always say, 

¨Fake it ´till you make it¨ 

If everyone is faking it then fake is the new normal

Aren’t we all normal then? 

That’s what everybody seems to want but nobody seems to have

Because normal isn’t the people who post pictures of themselves, 

With an expected smile, 

Normal is ¨conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected¨ 

but don´t we all love a little surprise?

Normal is the master of deception 

Whispering to people about what they should be, 

Giving false ideas of what we want 

 When in truth, people don’t want normal

They want you

In the summer I like to play basketball

In the summer I like to play football

In the summer I like to be outside 

In the summer it’s hot

In the summer it's fun 

In the summer it’s bright 

In the summer it’s loud

I like the summer

From the first breath of air I took

I was already given plans

My life was structured before I could even live it
It was barely guided by my own hands

Childhood was a blur for me

                 I didn’t have much time

I couldn’t grasp the right memories

All they taught me was to climb

Your lectures stained quickly like ink, 
Commanding me to just think, and think
You measured the inches of my knowledge 

But it wasn't enough 

You could sense my fatigue and wonder

You said you didn’t have a choice,
Click.
So taking that pen and pressing it against my temple
You began to jab what's under
Click, click.

Click, click
The words wounded more than my mind
The pen kept ticking inside
I was irritated by it, and you knew
But I just stayed silent 

I know you want what's best because you didn’t have it once
So I stayed afloat and became your boat
Achieving the things you didn’t
But it seemed the world you built for me just wasn’t enough

And then..you disappeared, far off beyond my reach
Your color-coded calendars bent 
The ink dried up
But everything could always be washed away, didn’t you say?

I could have broken the rusty bars and snapped your strings,
The very ones that tied up my wings 
The ones that you once called “ours”
Click, click 

But I’m too tired to continue

You didn’t tell me how to live and love

So I’m standing here, alone

Wishing that, all along,

I should have known 
Click. 

The ones who share the tears and laughs with me.

  Who send cute texts about how much I mean to them.
  The girls who I am comfortable around no matter what.

This is for the girls who have helped me make memories that will never leave me.

The ones who will sit out by a campfire and pour their heart out. 

Who will sing and dance with me like no one is watching.

 The ones who will eat at IHop with me after a late night.

This is for girls who pulled me out of the anxiety that used to flow in my veins.

 The ones who say “I love you,” 

Loving  all my imperfections and flaws.

 The ones who are helping me become closer with God,

And will pray for me when I need it.

 

 This is for the girls who have touched my heart in more ways than one.

 Who will listen to me talk about the life struggles.

 The ones who have my parents love, almost equal to mine.

 The ones who make me laugh when I don’t want to smile.

                               

 This is for the girls who I can trust with my life.

The ones who guard my secrets like they are their own.

 Who will give me hugs and tell me, “Everything will be okay.”

The ones who push me to be the best version of myself.

  This is for the girls who will bicker with me about absolutely nothing.

  Who taught me the true meaning of friendship.

 The ones who showed me who belongs in my life.

 The ones who will not leave me when times get rough.

This is for the girls who have become family. 

 Who will go straight to my kitchen and find food themselves.

 The ones my parents love and adore like they are their children.

 The ones with the moms who are my like own.

            

 This is for the girls who will pick up the wreckage after the storm.

 Who will pick up the phone the second I call.

 Who shows me that I shouldn't care what others think.

  The ones who show me to live everyday like it is my last.

 This is for the girls who will use glue instead of tape to keep our friendships together.

  Who helped build a strong foundation on the rest of our lives.

The ones who are more than just people passing by.

This is for the girls with a friendship that will last forever.

I sit upon the top of my tiny tots toy car. Legs dangling, arms thrashing, I drum. Ink streams down my arms and stains the car roof, coming from the markers in which I clutch tightly in my hands. The markers in which I am banging relentlessly on everything and anything that my chubby little arms can reach. The markers in which, to me, are drumsticks. Descending down the basement steps is my mother. Stern face, she scolds. Elijah! What are you doing? The mischief in my seven-year-old-self smiles. Mama, I wanna be a drummer!

I am eight. I sit at a drum set much too big for my little body. My uncle stands in front of me and I am practically squealing with excitement. My first drum lesson! My first groove! A simple rock beat that anyone could play, but to me, the first step in a new world. Then I hear my uncle play. All of his limbs rapidly moving creating a complicated, syncopated, intricate rhythm that I couldn’t even dream of. The notes dance around me creating the most beautiful melody I have ever heard. Then it is done, and we are left in silence. It is time to go home. That night, I go home inspired.

I am ten. I am seated on the throne of a drum set that is much too high for my small torso. My limbs flail frantically as my uncle asks me to play a groove in 5/4 time. 5 over 4! That’s right! 5/4! My confidence drains as I found out that adding a beat isn’t as easy as it looks. The song seems to run circles around me always just out of reach. It teases, and taunts and finally I give it what it wants and I stop. And I give up. It was that night that I learned that I would never have what it takes to be a good drummer.

I am twelve. I sit at a drum set that is much too spread out for my short arms. My uncle asks me to solo. My mind floods with worry and my heart beats louder than my bass drum ever did. Soloing was a foreign language that I never had the time or energy to learn. Soloing was a bully that stuffed both me and my hopes in the trash can. My uncle shows me how to solo melodically on the drums and once again I find myself in awe at the abilities of my uncle. And once again I find myself despairing over the abilities that I do not possess. When I solo, I lose timing, I lose the form, I lose the melody, and most importantly I lose confidence. That night I realize that soloing is not for me. Soloing is for people who can play 5/4 grooves.

I am fourteen. I greet my uncle with a hug and sit down at a perfect-sized drum set to begin our lesson. I tell him that in Jazz Band we are playing this awesome song in 5/4. When he asks how it is going I tell him that it is no problem. Together we jam on “Take the A Train” and we both take multiple solos. The melodies we create dance around us and I can’t help but laugh. Then we are done. He tells me that my solos sound very melodic. The kid in my fourteen-year-old-self smiles and that night I learn that things take time.

Rosy cheeks & scraped up knees 

Muddy fingers & and dirty nails  

Unbrushed teeth & untied shoes 

As times goes on

things change 

people change

Places change 

And feelings change….

 

As time goes on

I changed…

At 7

I went from basking in the golden glow of a new day

Getting hot & sweaty playing tag to

Playing with the plushie stuffed figures

That lined my bed

I was a curious kid

Loved unicorns and all things soft and fluffy

Like most basic younger girls I loved unicorns 

This year I learned as time goes on 

That best friends weren't always humans 

As time goes on 

I kept changing... 

At 8 

My family welcomed a new member to my family 

The smell of baby powder

And baby soap Filled my house 

Diapers littered the garbage

People didn't have much time for me

Before my brother came I was the youngest

But now I had competition 

Only my opponent had cute little buns

And could get anyone to smile just being him   

This year I learned as time goes on how to play by myself 

As time goes on

I still kept changing.. 

At 10 

I became obsessed with Pigtails & pink

Strawberry lip gloss

I thought I knew everything 

I was the best but once your the slightest bit happy

Someone or something brings you down

And that things don't always go as planned  

This year I learned as time goes on how to wear a fake smile 

Anad how to be happy even though your not

As time goes on 

I was still changing…

At 11&12

I was making new friends and always was at others houses 

Actually being older and having to read a do homework 

Having to actually bring a pencil to class

I was “stressed”

Copying homework was a must to stay alive

Taking good notes and always having a notebook open

Is key to being on top 

This year I learned as time goes on that your grades affect your statis 

And you have to be smart to be “cool”

As time goes on 

I was changing a bit 

At 13

Secrets, gossip, and backstabbing friends

The smell of perfume and a dash of mascara 

New clothes because you can be seen in old ones

Boys, boys, boys 

The quirky smiles the starry eyes 

The pit pat of my heart

This year I learned as time goes on that boys are players

They don't want your heart they want you 

They're not starting at your smile and that too short of skirts makes you a slut

As time goes on 

I changed the most.. 

At 14

Everything I had learned had taught me for these months

The stress, the fake smiles, and the drama 

Boys are the humans that set the traps for the mice

Lureing us in with the sweet feeling of being loved 

Also known as the cheese

And once we are trapped everytime we try to pull away take away the pain

It hurts more than before until it breaks us till we are left almost lifeless 

Boys are stupid

Screw them flush them down the toilet

 heartbreak and heartache

Those two described me 

Untill….

I met him..

The boy is beautiful

After being with him for some time 

He still gave those butterflies 

Those ones that make you feel like your 

Soaring above the stars, seeing them sparkle 

But realizing that the sparkle is in his eyes 

This year taught me so much like bad situations can be for the best,

That your girls aren't just your girls they are your sisters,

That you can't get rid of drama

And last lastly I learned as time goes on

Crap happens 

Things change

 People change

 And feelings change

As time goes on...        

You grow up with neighborhood friends 

You jump out of bed to go play with them 

Never being able to get bored of each other 

One of you moves away and then you lose contact 

Missing your best friend but don’t even know how to start a conversation

Eventually the days spent with the ones you love are just a memory 

Life is funny

Waking up before the sun to get an education

Stressing about how you have that one A-

Next year you won’t even remember what you learned 

Life is funny 

You go to college 

Get a job 

Have kids

They do everything you once did 

Eventually they move out 

You’re alone again

Life is funny 

You grow old 

Watching life pass you by 

Eventually you’re gone 

Forgotten; just a memory 

Life is funny 

People go their whole lives living a lie

They say don’t judge 

In reality we all do

Life is funny

Life repeats itself until we all pass away 

All living with more hardships than the good 

Life can be really funny

Background characters to the play of life

You overlook us when looking right at us

The unmentioned ones in every stereotypical movie or book 

When I was younger I craved attention

I wanted to be noticed 

I needed to be noticed

Now I shake at the thought of being mentioned

I know that people can’t understand

What’s happening in my mind

The three seconds I’m glanced at

The milliseconds I know they're looking at me

Why can’t I have been a chameleon

With skin that blends in

Us invisibles wouldn’t have to try

We would always go unnoticed

If I didn’t need everyone to like me 

Everyone to think I’m fine, or fantastic

I wouldn’t be invisible

No 

My anxiety would dissipate

My makeshift cloak of invisibility gone

I could be myself 

Share my emotions

When I said I was ok

 I’d truly be happy

For now I’m invisible,

Just average

I wish I had extraordinary talents

That everything I did or created wasn't just

Ok,

Average,

Normal

I don’t want to blend in

But my fear overtakes me

My mind’s surrounded by wolves

 just waiting to attack

Will I try to escape?

No 

Why would I escape the comfortable?

The wolves rip me to shreds again,

I respawn again

My brother asked me 

Why do you always go to your room?

My room is a safe haven 

The wolves can’t reach me here

People can’t judge me here

I am safe here

So I’ll stay Invisible

Just wishing I could disappear

Although it was clear that we weren’t meant to be,

I kept coming back without a confession,

Because my vision was different than her’s,

I was caught up in the confusion,

Was everything an illusion,

Is it a competition that I’m losin’,

Do you find my failures amusin’,

For the sorrows I’ll be boozin’,

False statements that she’ll accuse,

But I can only take the abuse,

For my every attempt she’ll have an excuse,

And somehow I’m still amused,

Although she left my texts on “seen”,

The presence of her gives me dopamine,

I can be addicted to her like codeine,

But she has a side that was rather obscene,

She’s easy to inflame like benzene,

She gets my mind twisted,

Gets my vision misted, 

I’m probably someone she blacklisted,

She’s easily pissed,

And I want to persist,

Be someone on her whitelist,

But I can only resist,

I understand she has a different perspective,

A different path and a different objective,

But I want to show affection,

She’s a perfect imperfection,

The decision is her’s,

And I have no objection.

Six years old walking the imaginary plank which is actually a sea wall. Toy gun in hand thinking was ready to fight the world. Then I slipped, My head in the water feeling what it was like to drown

Trying to scream but instead water fills your mouth and you choke over your muted words.

All you can do is wait to be saved

Fourteen years old, Books in my hand walking into the eighth grade its already a bad year. My bother is at home in the dark sleeping, healing, puking, and in pain. Anxiety filled my head worries situations where everything could go wrong. I continue to go through my classes half listening to the teachers drone on about the rules. After every class I wash my hands waiting for the screaming worries of anxiety to go away.

I’m 14 walking around the high school. Im the small short kid always tired wearing a camo hat everywhere I go. My family has been through a lot but right now were stuck in another battle. My mothers at the front line and where all behind her. I'm waiting to grow and for the the road of bad luck to end.

I am eight years old.  A few months into second grade getting picked up early from school. Too young to think anything bad was going on. Slowly driving down my road. Cars parked up and down the street. Running into the house ready to go play barbies and jam out to Kids Bop. But instead I’m called into the living room. I look around and see about a dozen friends in family gathered around us. Just becoming a little confused about everything and the next few words would ruin my life. He died. He was gone. This year I experienced grief for the first time.

I am eleven years old. At my grandparents house for Easter. The smell of the yummy food is coming from the kitchen. Full stomachs ready to go get our eggs full of the rich and creamy chocolate candy. Running around the yard to see who would finish first. Organizing the candy from sweet and chocolate. All of it gone before the night ends. Hugs and goodbyes to everyone. Then it was silent. Sitting in the living room. The place where we always found out the bad news. Then I heard the word again. The ¨C” word. It was back. This year I learned that I need to spend as much time with my loved ones as I can before they are gone. 

I am twelve years old. Dressed in black. Seeing all of my family and friends with a sad look on their faces. Tears and laughs as we go on about the memories. Sitting and listening to all of the amazing things she did. Hearing the songs that I will always remember as her funeral songs. Keeping  my emotions inside and staying strong because that’s what she would have done. I have to learn new things. How to cope with another huge loss in my family. How to deal with a new lifestyle. Everything was going to be different. This year I learned that life isn’t always fair

I am fifteen years old. Starting high school. Learning new things about life. Meeting new people. Losing your best friend because of a breakup. Fixing old relationships. Saying no to things. Having to keep up with all the school work. But you’ve been through so much so it’s easy right? But really it isn’t. Drama with friends and family is going to be hard but the reals ones stay and will always be there. Four years and on to bigger things. Just have to keep pushing through the obstacles. I have to take things in before they all fly by. Gotta work hard and be myself and I can do anything I can dream of.