AutoDeathnography by Rose Matthews

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 08:53:50 UTC

This battered old case came from a charity shop.

It is probably around the same age as me.

I filled it with precious and meaningful objects.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 08:57:14 UTC

Preparing for the end of my life means taking stock. Deciding what to hold onto and what to let go of.

Trying to make sense of everything.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:01:03 UTC

Creativity is at the heart of me but somehow, during my midlife years, it was displaced by mundanity.

I'm gradually ageing back into it now.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:03:06 UTC

The hills I painted from imagination as a child are just like the ones I now live among. It isn't a coincidence.

This landscape is where I feel truly at home.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:04:49 UTC

When I started nursery school, my cloakroom peg had a picture of a sunflower. I chose sunflower as my name in the online autism forum I joined at 58.

I was starting all over again.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:09:23 UTC

Tiger's eye represents the courage which I have needed in abundance throughout my life. These beads are for my shroud. I plan to sew on one for every year of my life.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:13:07 UTC

As a child I loved sorting through embroidery silks. It was partly the array of shades, and partly the feel of the skeins in my hands. These colours are in the hills around me.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:17:17 UTC

My granny's cabinet of curiosities included a sea urchin shell like this. She took me to meadows and showed me tiny creatures, instilling a deep love of nature in me.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:22:53 UTC

My grandad had a blue Morris Minor which he passed on to my Dad. I have owned three Morris Minors myself. If I were to have a hearse (I don't plan to) it would have to be a classic car of some kind.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:25:37 UTC

As a teenager I went through a phase of wearing men's clothes but it took me another few decades to truly embrace my neuroqueer, non-binary identity. I play Grace Petrie's song whenever I wear black tie.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:27:46 UTC

When he was young my son had a feather collection. When I picked up these wing feathers I was reminded of him.

I love the symbolism of souls taking flight at the end of life.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:29:08 UTC

I have had many jobs but joining the police changed my life the most. I learned to make small talk and take the lead. The confidence that I gained while wearing the uniform lasted long after I took it off for good.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:33:46 UTC

My dogs have given me so much joy and love. Izzy had the gentlest nature and her sudden death tore me apart after the glorious summer we spent walking the hills together.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:38:09 UTC

My garden is filled with birdsong. During the Covid lockdowns seeing the birds coming and going helped me to cope. This treasured bird reminds me of my daughter because she gave it to me.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:42:18 UTC

Ferns have a special resonance for me. This interlocking double spiral is an ancient Maori symbol 'takarangi', symbolising interconnectedness, knowledge, and the balance between life and death.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:46:43 UTC

I drew this map and wrote a prose poem called 'Going with the Flow' to describe how co-produced creative research changed my life and led to self-acceptance and fulfilment.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:52:00 UTC

Selling pea seeds for Gaza was one of the ways in which Peter's daughters honoured his life. I like the idea of leaving behind my own organic legacy of honesty seeds.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:57:32 UTC

I find peace walking on the beach. This pebble caught my eye and I picked it up and put it in my pocket. Later I discovered that it was fossilized sea coral. An ancient life form preserved in stone.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 09:59:23 UTC

This crystal is beautiful but deeply fractured. I was worried it might break. Then I remembered the Buddhist saying: 'everything is broken already', and relaxed.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 10:01:31 UTC

For me these skeletal sea horses with their tails intertwined represent symbiotic relationships, free of gender norms, and full of love and respect.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 10:04:05 UTC

Death has never scared me or seemed like a topic to avoid. I like to be surrounded by memento mori - reminders of life's finitude and the limits of our mortality.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 10:06:37 UTC

These tiny twigs were given to me by a small child I met while out walking. His parents were embarrassed when he gave me the first twig, but I recognised how precious it was and he gave me another one.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 10:08:15 UTC

I decorated this wooden bear to remind myself of the importance of self care. Having a purpose in life and experiencing sensory joy are crucial elements of my wellbeing.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 10:10:21 UTC

I started this embroidery at an online workshop and finished it later, in my own time. I quickly departed from using recognised embroidery stitches and went completely free style.

AutoDeathnography video

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-11 10:16:56 UTC

The batik that I made as a teenager spent decades in my parents' loft. When it emerged I thought it would make a wonderful shroud. I filmed this on the hill above my house. The batik came alive in the breeze and almost seemed to breathe.

rosematthewsresearch — 2025-10-19 06:25:37 UTC