In my opinion, academic writing is technical and has “rules.” While non-academic writing is informal and has more room for error. In my classes today,  we completed basic writing assignments such as “smart starts” and “exit tickets” where students reflect on yesterday and today’s lesson while being “forced” to answer in complete sentences. 

Academic writing is anything that is asked for by an educational institution or that is done based on some sort of research. Non-academic writing is anything that someone may do for their own pleasure. It could be creative writing, blogpost writing, and so on. It is something that gets the creative mind flowing for no other reason than enjoyment. 

Today, writing was used in my classroom through a worksheet where students were able to research an assigned topic for the book we are going to be reading. I would consider this academic writing because it related to their future in ELA and they were doing it because we asked them to do so. Today was not the best day to ask what my writing was like. Last week, we did “I am” poems where students were given sentence starters (4 of 5 of my classes are ICT) and they filled it in. Some of the poems were so moving– students really opened themselves up and showed a side they don’t usually show to the world, especially not in school. We did SMART goal setting for personal and academic goals where students really had to think about and communicate what they wanted to achieve. Writing is the bridge between the mind and paper. 

Academic writing is full of rules, non-academic writing is full of emotion, is what immediately comes to mind. Although I guess they don’t necessarily need to be separated in that way. 

I wouldn’t say I exactly know what constitutes good writing. That’s what I want to know. To offer something, I imagine good writing is enjoyable to read, even if just intellectually, no matter the actual content. 

Today we had students write in response to prompts, write as part of an active listening group effort, and write a journal from two different options. The goal was overall to just get them writing their thoughts on paper, physically moving pencils/pens on paper. Because this group of students hates the idea of writing even a sentence down physically. We’d like to build a habit of writing their thoughts down as we incorporate rules of grammar and creativity. 

In his article, “Toward an educationally relevant theory of literacy learning: Twenty years of inquiry,” Brian Cambourne lays out plainly how literacy in youth broadly functions and can be improved. It can take some of the beauty out of it, but Cambourne boils learning down to “essentially a process of habit formation” (183). If we take literacy as the specific learning, all it takes is for people to be fully immersed in an environment where literacy is the norm, with all the being fully immersed entails. Of course, this is so much simpler said than done, yet he lays it out in such a way that makes it seem like it really should be easy. People must be surrounded by others using literacy, they must be able to view and hear others performing it, they must see that literacy is simply an expectation of life, they must engage in it personally within the environment and understand that their understanding of literacy is forever flexible and subject to change. 

While I certainly don't have it so broken down and methodical like Cambourne does, this is the same general understanding I have surrounding learning and how I’ve tried to have my classrooms be. One of the first things I try to do with students is prove how reading, writing, and thinking deeply are worth their time. That they can take what they’ve learned in class with them throughout their entire lives. It’s tough though, trying to get 140+ students to care. Especially when society is now in a state where focus and quality are overall not viewed as valuable, and we’re instead just habitually scrolling to the next fifteen second clip of something, anything, to get as much content through our brains as possible. Habits are formed by repeating actions, however that’s a double-edged sword. Just as people can develop beneficial habits, we can also develop harmful ones. 

Personally, I would define academic writing as research-oriented, organized, structured, analysis, and formal-based. On the other hand, non-academic writing to me is free-verse, creative, less structured, informal, and often for pleasure.

Although “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” therefore there may technically be no such thing as “good” writing. In my personal opinion, I find good writing to be when an author can convey a relatable feeling and create that vivid emotion in me from just the words on the page. There are many “famous” authors and classical texts that may hold great historical and literary value, I don’t feel anything whereas an Instagram poem can bring me to tears. 

Today, in my classroom students wrote their annotations in their short stories and a creative exit ticket prompt where they put themselves into the shoes of characters within the story. It was interesting to see students' responses, and it was awesome when I told them that they would submit their responses anonymously. I think the anonymity of the exit ticket, allowed students to feel even freer to express themselves and genuinely share their opinions and perspectives of the story, who they are in their lives, and how they would fit into the moral dilemma in the story. 

 As explained in "You are confusing!": Tensions between Teacher's and Students' Discourses in the Classroom '' student interaction with teachers can cause tensions when students don't respond well to student direction. Students can get frustrated when they don't understand what is going on. If a student is confused, I believe this is teacher error, and not student misunderstanding. Teachers should provide students with all the necessities needed to complete the task. For example, in my classroom, I have many students who do not understand verbal instructions. Therefore, I began using slides and images of the handouts with arrows and written explanations that students can refer to when they need to.

But speaking with Aaron reified a lot of the abstraction I felt while reading Park (2008). He discusses the struggles of expecting students to navigate different literacies with detail and insight, but there’s always a disconnect between theory and praxis. Talking with my students—students with whom I have a rapport and a relationship—brings things into stark relief.

Perhaps I’m experiencing the Baader–Meinhof Effect, but simply reading about the difficulties students face while navigating different literacies has attuned me to the ways in which students negotiate these issues—sometimes even knowingly. Just today, I had a student named Quanmi who, when faced with a creative writing assignment, wrote in an English literacy that was most comfortable for him (or, I should say, felt most authentic to his story), but felt compelled to leave translations in parenthesis next to words he thought I might not know, or might otherwise be used incorrectly. It was startling to me to see a student do that, and also somewhat funny that he thought he should take my ignorance into consideration. It highlights just how aware of this problem most students are.

Gee takes the concept of literacy as a social construct a step further by connecting it directly to an individual’s discourse or “identity kit” in life meaning that an individual’s race, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status, etc. all have an impact on literacy development inside and outside of the education system. If literacy can be rooted down to the basics of human communication, those methods of communication can vary greatly based on one’s environment and discourse in life. I can’t help but connect this claim to my experience teaching during the early days of the COVID-19 lockdown. During online learning for middle/high school students, most students leaned heavily on parent support and it was obvious which students came from families that valued and promoted a greater emphasis on school, grades, and literacy versus families that may not have had the privileges to focus their time on their child’s school work for a multitude of reasons. 

The listenings this week from Maya Angelou and Amanda Gorman both stress a common theme of overcoming obstacles which I am thinking of as the ones that my own students faced in their home lives during the lockdown and even now. Using Genie as an extraordinary example, and the impact of the COVID-19 example as a more commonplace one, it is clear that literacy skills can fall on a wide range and can also be learned through more modalities than textbooks and reading classes. As English teachers, it is important for us to always be thinking about the ways in which we can increase literacy in the curriculum, in the environments of our classrooms, and how we can help promote it to students through pre-existing social parts of their lives and discourses. I guess these articles leave me with the question of how do we assess “literacy skills” in non-traditional ways aside from baselines and standardized exams? Additionally, it brings me back to the question from class last week, which is what is “good” writing and how do we assess that if we are now rightfully expanding the definition of literacy? As teachers and learners for life, it feels as though we are always left with more questions than answers.

As English teachers, it is of the utmost importance that we respect all students’ languages while guiding their educational experience in both reading and writing experiences working towards including wider ranges of diverse authors and texts and providing different types of writing assessments and projects where students can showcase their other languages besides just the formal, academic, “proper” writing. It is a part of our responsibility to grow towards maintaining asset-based mindsets. An educator with an asset-based mindset relies on not on the weaknesses of students but rather focuses on student strengths, development, and ability to learn. In Elisabeth Johnson’s research article, “Embodying English: Performing and Positioning the White Teacher in a High School English Class” she explores how she came into her research into white educators with a deficit mindset and saw the damages that can happen when assumptions are made too soon about students, teachers, or anyone. She states, “For instance, I found myself pitfalling into the deficit dilemma Lowenstein (2009) cautions against, when white teachers of higher education view white teachers as inherently naive about and less capable of working across racial difference in the classroom” (Johnson, 10) Johnson demonstrates that asset-based education mindsets value students and teachers as humans first and a deficit mindset leans too heavily on dangerous stereotypes. As educators, navigating students of different races, religions, genders, ethnicities, and socioeconomic statuses within our classes, makes our jobs not so cut and dry but rather a complex and deeply “human” experience. The readings from both Bell and Johnson illustrate the dangers of educating with a deficit mindset, especially when it comes to race and language in our English classrooms. We must focus on our students as individuals with feelings, the capability to grow and learn, and build up their strengths to the best of our abilities by respecting their backgrounds, cultures, and yes their languages. 

I think that, as a teacher, it is important to focus more on what is being expressed rather than how. If a student is able to get their point across clearly and accurately, that is what is important. An expansive vocabulary should not be the only means of evaluation. I remember a conversation that I had a few years ago with a coworker, asking him how he knows of such obscure words that I had never even heard of before. He said that his mom was an English teacher too and that he was able to learn it from her. English was not my first language (I learned it from friends and through TV), but I learned it soon after learning Polish (the language my parents taught me). My parents were learning English as I grew up. It was only after this conversation with this coworker that I realized that my upbringing with immigrant parents had an impact on my vocabulary acquisition in a way that someone with English-speaking parents may not have been. 

                        Regardless of how we communicate with linguistics in our classrooms, there will always be the inevitability of linguistic racism. It is tough for some to understand that racial positioning within our society perpetuates linguistic racism within our pedagogical practices. 

         In the article 'I can switch my language but I can't switch my skin' by Baker Bell it is stated by a student named Calvin from one of Bell's earlier studies that 'If African American Language was used by the dominant population and Dominant American English  was used by the minority population, then African American Language would be deemed the superior language and Dominant American English would be viewed as inferior."  Bell goes on to state how racial issues inevitably work their way into our pedagogical practices. Further touching upon the fact that regardless of one's linguistic approach it will still not change the fact of their racial positioning in society thus perpetuating linguistic racism. 

          Bell goes on to discuss the linguistic dimensions behind race and black and African American language. It also states how 'Although White Mainstream English is the standard used in many classrooms to

measure Black students (Alim & Smitherman, 2012), linguists maintain that the idea of a standardized language is hypothetical and socially constructed (Lippi-Green, 2012).' The idea of language superiority proves the fact that linguistic racism exists in our society. It is there in our classrooms, in our communities, in our homes and it is being ignored by the majority. "The belief that there exists a homogenous, standard, one-size-fits-all language is a myth that is used to justify discrimination on the basis of "language markers that signal alliance to certain social groups, primarily those having to do with race, ethnicity, [gender] and economic factors" (Lippi-Green, 2015, p. 15). 

       When we take a look at the study of language in and out of our classrooms, it seems as though teachers tend to set an almost "leave at the door" or "not in my classroom" type of mentality towards their students. There is not a full spectrum or understanding of ethnography and sociolinguistics outside of what is considered "the norm" for teachers and for people. How can more educators come understand the idea that linguistic racism does actually exist within their classrooms? How can more educators come to grips with it and accept it? And once it is acknowledged and accepted how can more educators learn to change it?

 

 

The readings pointed out that literacy is much more than the accepted, expected, “formal” language. And that literacy impacts much more than just speaking, reading, and writing, it impacts many more facets of life. Implying certain language habits are “informal” while others are somehow “proper” participates in the perpetual racist undertones that plague society. And saying things like “I don’t see color” isn’t the right way to go about dealing with others. We should see color, and histories, and backgrounds, and all other facets that make each person unique. We should embrace all that makes up a person and settle with the fact that we can all be amazing in our own ways, without needing to be “better” or “worse”  than others. 

 

All this being said, I do actually tell my students that there is a broad societal expectation for language, and that it does end up being the language of “White Mainstream English,” as one of the texts so correctly put it. While I always explicitly vocalize that students should be proud of their own form of literacy and know that it is not greater or lesser than the literacy of anyone else, I do want them to be prepared for the unfairness and harshness of reality. Although, it must be said that teens are bright and are more aware now of how society works than teenagers have been in the past. Many of them already know the state of affairs they are, and will be, facing. Regardless, them being personally secure is my priority, but I am also attempting to instill the confidence to speak their language their way, despite social norms. I look forward to learning how to better navigate my way through understanding how to best incorporate everyone’s own literacy into my practice and general interactions with others.   

In visiting classrooms, Gloria Ladson Billings saw “Teachers who had good intentions towards the students and wanted to embrace culturally relevant pedagogy. They expressed strong beliefs in the academic efficacy of their students. They searched for cultural examples and analogues as they taught prescribed curricula.” (78) which could allow students to connect to contemporary literature. Since our schools are integrated, teachers have the responsibility to reach every student and connect to their culture.

Experiences in college courses, student teaching, and especially in teaching have greatly changed my perspective on the learning of English and my understanding of it in general. It’s almost comically obvious now that of people learn as much outside of school as they do inside of it, perhaps even more. Of course all of students’ background knowledge should be strived to be utilized to help them further learn and grow. Especially in ELA, rather than seek to teach students the “right” way of doing things, we should be guiding students to how they can make sense of things in their own ways. 

Rather than list off specific example after specific example, I’ll say that things are generally more open-ended now. There’s also more transparency and communication between teachers and students, or at least that’s what I’ve seen and how I strive to be. I let students know that sometimes we’re learning specific skills and/or knowledge that follow specific rules, but that the rules are only meant to be used for “formal” and “professional” situations, just to be on the safe and “expected” side. However, ELA, or expressing oneself in general, is always a personal undertaking and that I truly want them to be how they want to be. 

Aside from ELL students, there are students who speak English as their first language however, their sociocultural discourses differentiate them. Something that may linguistically deem appropriate in one primitive environment may not in another, or in a secondary environment where intimates are not the main modality of conversation. Park describes his 10 year study as to why students who have the capacity to grasp much more complex concepts, are unable to grasp simpler concepts when taught to them in school. 

As a middle school teacher it is mind boggling to see how technologically literate students are. They can maneuver difficult mediums such as Discourse, play complicated games, and create intricate TikTok videos. However, they find it difficult to understand concepts like themes and conflicts. I used to believe it was because of their lack of exposure to books and reading. However, within these modalities, reading, understanding and application is necessary. Then where does the glass barrier come in between our teaching and their understanding? How do we incorporate these mediums that may often be difficult for us, in students’ lives to bridge the gap that we teachers have created?  

As educators we encourage students to abandon their linguistic styles to uphold the speech of middle class White Americans, erasing their identities. It is also important to remove oneself of the mindset that we are helping students get to a “better” place. Our youth are truly the bearers of our future and it is important to be culturally aware and relatable. Changing tone, adding beats, making relatable pop culture references help them see us as helpers rather than teachers. A couple of years back, during Donald Trump’s presidency  my school’s 8th graders were extremely “politically woke.” As an 8th grader I recall watching Barack Obama, and discussing with my peers. The difference between the two: as an 8th grader it was easier for me to grasp Obama’s speech as it was for my immigrant parents. While the recent 8th graders would listen to Trump’s speeches to create the latest meme. If I ask my current 8th graders, who the president of the USA is today, I would be lucky to even receive the correct answer. However, who are they to blame? As an adult I find it difficult to listen to a speech by Biden. 

The next year in 7th grade our teachers began teaching us the dangers of social media and how easy it was to present fake information as if it were real. And today, when I teach my students about the differences between the reel and real of Instagram and Tiktok, they no longer are surprised; rather, they look at me as if I’m just presenting common knowledge. However, being aware of the dangers is only the first step to actually advocate change. 

Blog #3

 

Thinking back on my education, I remember learning being  extremely strenuous. Although education was valued by my family and my school, it was also something that was stressed to point where failure seemed inevitable. Failure seemed inevitable for a student such as myself because I struggled with so much. Believe it or not I graduated from High School nearly twenty years ago and so much I feel has changed in education since then. I feel as though we are working to create a safer environment for our students. Also to be more understanding of the work and effort that our students put forth in class. Whereas, when I was a student I felt as though if I did not put forth any effort or tried but did not give the best answers or get the best grade I was made to feel stupid. I later found out that most of the teachers that were teaching us did not even have Bachelors degrees. It was catholic school that imposed religion and instilled behavioral structure. If they even the slightest issues of discipline with you, you were seen as a problem within the classroom, instead of an intervention or pre-intervention being implemented in order to help students.

            As a student of Private school my whole life I feel as though learning and understanding the process of learning was a difficult task for most other students as well as myself.  The relationship between teacher/student seemed to consist of teachers pouring their derisions upon anything we did. Teachers and educators took the opportunity to ridicule us and expose our weaknesses rather than focusing on our strengths. My teachers did not even know that I loved to write. They assumed I hated writing because I was not exactly the best at it, I needed more help with it than I or they even understood. 

            When I graduated high school in 2003 I felt as though I conquered the world and was ready to show the world my strengths and capabilities. I felt as though the weight of everything had been lifted from shoulders. I was ready for the world and ready for college. From there I found myself excelling in all of my classes, especially writing. I started to read more, I started write more even for leisure, something I had never done while in elementary, middle or high school. I found myself moving out of my shell and gaining the confidence that I never had. I found myself moving from “undecided” about my major and moving right into ELA and eventually a Master’s in education in hopes that I can make the changes in my classroom that I had never experienced. Focusing on my students strengths rather than their weaknesses, building the confidence of my students in hopes that they can find the love for the things that catch their interest. 

As an 11th grader and avid reader inside and outside of school, I was so fascinated with the idea of questioning - who was telling the story? I remember even at the time that I wished I had known about this concept earlier because it seemed to make so much sense - of course, there are always multiple sides to each story, just like I would consider my brother to be an unreliable narrator of our fight, I knew questioning so many of the books I had. Was it possible that Scout was an unreliable narrator in To Kill a Mockingbird? I distinctly thought about how that would change the whole story and subconsciously realized how important the narrator is in each text. It also happened that during this year I was simultaneously taking AP American History and for the first time, I questioned two things - for one, who was the narrator of my US history textbook? And two, how did I know that they were a reliable narrator? I didn’t realize it then but learning about Nick Carraway as an unreliable narrator was truly my first exposure to the mindset of critical literacy and reflecting now I can’t believe it took me until 11th grade. I love the idea of critical literacy and hope to introduce it to my own students much, much sooner.

My first formal introduction to critical literacy came in my senior year of college. I enrolled in my college’s capstone class for English majors entitled “Language, Literature, and Criticism”. For my final project, I wrote paper conducting a post-colonialist analysis of the novel, Black Mischief. I was inspired by Edward Said’s book, Orientalism. It wasn’t until recently that I began to understand critical literacy outside of an academic context- and “reading the world in the word”. Witnessing the political circus of recent history has opened my eyes to the ways in which the culture we inhabit is entirely comprised and sustained by the manipulation of information.

Anyway, the work that I spent all Sunday doing feels like shit to me now. Deeply unimpressed with it. Looking at it now feels like looking at the performances of Orson Welles in the 70s; nothing but half-assed phone-in jobs while shit faced out of his mind. Even that might be too generous though; implying that my work is like the work of a lat Orson Welles implies that there was—or is—any greatness inside of me, which I sincerely doubt.

Fire drill during my lunch period today. Don’t get a moment’s reprieve. Sincerely considered trying to turn out my lights, lock my doors, and pretend that no one was home—no one was ever home. I didn’t want to move from my dark, personal corner. What was I even doing? Watching YouTube videos. Avoiding responsibility. Pretending that I had nothing bearing down on me. That’s what I was willing to get into massive trouble for. My dumb little videos in my dumb little corner. How sad am I? I am pathetic and stupid and so, so shitty.

I have so much work to do before I sleep.

Principal came in and observed my 6th period class. They turned on me. They know how much this matters to me, and they fucking turned on me. Wouldn’t stop talking. Wouldn’t stop joking around. Wouldn’t stop cursing each other out. They are embarrassing to me, and I am ashamed to know them. What am I doing wrong? I give them coffee. I give them space. I am acquiescing. I sublimate my needs and desires for them. And they fuck me. I am missing something. I am deficient in someway, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am doing wrong. What has everyone figured out that I cannot.

I feel like I’m becoming worse as a teacher.

We discussed trans rights. Tik Tok has ruined their minds. They are afraid of traps. They know that sometimes trans people will secretly lie to them. They don’t want to be canceled, and they don’t understand why some people make being gay their entire personality. They respect the community, but they don’t know why they keep pushing their agenda onto little kids. Did you know that they’re teaching this shit in elementary school? Isn’t that fucked up, Mister?

The children will not save us. They are us. They hold up a mirror and reflect our failings back at us. Look, Mr. Berkowitz! Don’t you see where you fucked up? Look at me and see! I cannot do anything for them until I can do something for myself. And I cannot do anything for myself.

Today, I woke up at 4:30 AM to the loud sound of Alexa from my echo, and vibrations from my phone, all reminding me, “You can sleep at 12 today, only if you wake up at 4:30, so that you can complete the rest of your planning.” I stared at my phone for a bit, and went back to sleep, only to wake up to my emergency alarm at 6:00 AM. “Goddd, I guess I’ll have to finish planning at school and bring my grading home.” Just like the day before, and the one before that and the one before that. It seems like each day is a continued struggle from the last. 

Today I kept thinking about regret. My classes did not flow as I expected, my prep and lunch seemed to blur in with the rest of my day. I kept wondering if I had made a mistake accepting this job, and if I should have stayed at the school I was originally in. I would not have to spend 18/24 hours planning, grading and working even when I’m away from work. Rather, I would have had my lessons, I would be familiar with my students and I would not be getting sick every other week… I think. I try to tell myself it will get better in the future, but how far into the future must I seek? As I move forward in my day, from grabbing my coffee in the morning to getting home from work, these thoughts fog my mind, intensifying this feeling of regret. Wait, have I eaten lunch yet? 

Thoughts? Comments? Reflections?  

so anyway. finally it’s the last possible second that i could get up and i get up. i’m pushing the limits here pretty much every day. i actually feel like i could sink into the ground and be swallowed up by the earth when i attempt to stand.

eventually i make it to school, uncurled hair and all. i’m in my room for all of 3 minutes when a student comes to knock on my door. she’s dropping off sour apple candy for me because she remembers i said i liked them. even though i’d rather be in bed, or in my classroom with no students getting ready for my day, how can i be mad at that? i hope to never forget that my students are people too like some of the more jaded teachers seem to do…..

i love to gab with the other teachers in the english office first period. the other teachers that have first period preps are women who are about 20 years older than me and have children of their own and a lot to say about everything. i truly cherish these 41 minutes, even if most of the time i just smile and chuckle along politely, not sure how to react but just happy to be there.

i cherish those 41 minutes because from there my day is usually nonstop.

teach

lunch duty

why is that kid sharpening his pencil for the sixth time in one period?

why does that kid have a completely blank piece of paper in front of him after thirty minutes?

shouldn’t i have noticed that early?

i flopped today

wait i’m so excited for rehearsal today!

wait i forgot to highlight that script for rehearsal today…

i just got such a good idea for something for january

omg you barely even know what you’re doing TOMORROW!! stop thinking about january!

These mornings are slower than my usual ones. I value my time. I can take slower steps, and I'm not in a rush. I promise to get out of the house by 6:45, but I usually leave closer to 7. Either way, I'm in the building early-- but somehow 7:15 still feels late. I wanted to do things this morning. Plan ahead maybe. But 7:45 comes sooner than I thought and my JV volleyball team has a pre-game meeting. We have a big game today-- our biggest opponent. At least, on the varsity level. In the last three years, we've beat their JV. We had a title to uphold. The girls trickle in. I can tell they're nervous. They don't know it, but I'm nervous too. Nervous as hell.
"They're just Metro. They're not Olympic athletes. They get selected into the school the same way you do-- it's about the work you put in and how much you're willing to do. Don't put them on a pedestal-- they're not volleyball gods." Yeah, that's it. That'll calm them down.

The day goes by. My prep and lunch get mixed in with the rest of my responsibilities. I told myself I would leave at 3 today. The day ends at 2:20, and I need to give my dog some attention before I head out to the away game. But I've been slacking on making phone calls to parents. My co-teacher has been carrying the brunt of that. Natalia, get your shit together. You need to do this. So I call. And leave at 4PM. I told the girls to be there at 4:30. I didn't go home, and needed to run an errand for my mom before I got there.

I arrive at the game. The girls cheer when they see me, and a smile forms at the corners of my lips. They might be trying to be funny-- but they have no idea how much it pushes me. Maybe, with all the mess and confusion, I'm doing something right somewhere.

I'm trying to get all of my papers together for the game. Out of nowhere pops my Athletic Director, who has been coaching me on coaching volleyball since he coached at the college level for years. He's been my rock and mentor throughout this process. We scope out the other team as we warm up. What the fuck? They look like varsity! What the FUCK are they feeding them?? Where did they find these girls?? There is NO WAY they did all of this during this single season. I can't let the girls see my shock. One pass, one serve, I tell them. I'm just glad the AD showed up. He focuses on the girls at the bench, I focus on the girls on the court.
BAM. Serve. Missed pass. BAM. Serve. Another miss. And so on, even from my best players. Eventually I had to sub one of them out, and as I called her name and signaled the ref, I saw tears swell and her face turn red. I meant her no harm, but here we are. I give her a few motivating words, and she goes to the AD, or my assistant coach at this point. The set flies by-- an embarrassing 25-8. I tell the team to shake it off and there's another set-- but am I talking to them or myself? 
Next set. We get better passes, more of our serves go over. What the girls don't realize is that the coach from the other team is putting in her bench. I'm glad they don't notice. My libero gets a ball to the throat. She looks at me for guidance, her hands around her neck. I lowkey start to panic, but my assistant coach handles it. I don't know what he said, but she calmed down. The game ends 25-19. I hype them up, telling them they really gave it all they had during that last set-- which they always do. The girls tell me to ask the coach for a scrimmage. I admire their willingness to learn and how they didn't let defeat get them down-- I love how they rise to the challenge and want to try again, to beat the best. But I also just want to know what kind of crack the other coach is feeding her athletes. Steroids?? I go to shake her hand and ask to schedule a scrimmage.
I turn around to see yet another player crying-- this one wasn't on the court at all. I take a deep breath. Fuck. I wanna cry too. Give me a break people. 
With a gentle smile, I go up to her and ask her what's up. I tell her friend that I'll take it from here. This girl tries. She really does. Am I a bad coach? How can I be fair to everyone when I know that some people are just stronger players than others? She's a good player, but she's not consistent. I want her to be more consistent. She tells me that she's been holding this in for a while. That she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to be a cry baby. I tell her it's okay to cry. She tells me she's thinking about quitting. I tell her I'm not quitting on her and that she can't quit on me. That at the end of the day she has to be the one who is willing to pick herself up. I ask her if she sees herself having a senior night like the varsity girls. She says yes. I tell her that she can't quit if she wants that-- and that it takes hard work and even tears to get there. I'm not trying to raise a team of girls who thinks crying will get them on the court. But, boy, do I feel bad. I was the same way. I see myself in each and every single one of them-- but to them I'm coach Jurek, who is apparently intimidating and super strong-- mentally and physically. Little do they know, my heart reaches for them more than they will ever know.

Most of the team leaves, except for about three. I am waiting for their parents along with them. The last girl's parents are 20 minutes away when the second-to-last girl leaves. She was a talkative one, so at least the conversation flowed naturally. This one is one of the more quiet girls. Deep breath, Natalia. She's a freshman. Ask her about how school is going. What classes she likes. What her middle school was like. What she wants to be when she gets older. 

I'm on my way home. I don't play any music on my drives anymore. I just want to sit in silence. I FaceTime my boyfriend once I get home. He asks me how I'm doing. It's Friday. It's Friday close to 8PM. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Three times this week I spent close to 12 hours with students or in the building. It's Friday. It's Friday close to 8PM. And I can't stop thinking about school. How can I be better? How can I do more? Am I doing enough?
Tears well up in my eyes. He asks if I'm crying. Maybe, I say. And then I break. How am I putting in 16 hour work days and still feel like I'm not getting enough done? Are these truly my emotions, or are these the emotions of my players post-game? I don't know if these are my emotions or if I've absorbed all my students' anxieties after a whole week, especially today, or if these are my insecurities finally finding a boatride down the stream of tears. Am I feeling not good enough, or is that from the player I subbed out? Do I feel like I'm choking and without a voice, or is that the pain of my player? Do I feel unappreciated, or is that my player? I try to listen to what I am telling them. I try to practice what I preach. But boy, it is harder said than done. 

I'll start this weekend. I'll get my shit together. My Saturday and Sunday are planned out. But by 1PM on Saturday, I already feel like giving myself that morning to rest is too much and I've fallen behind schedule. Fuck.