I dreamed of you last night. Do you dream of me at all? Do you think of me? I'm trying not to obsess over you anymore. I wonder if it's going to work, getting all these thoughts out.

I don't even see you anymore. You're like out of sight, out of mind, but you're also kind of everywhere. I hear your laugh when I think of something I want to show you but can't. I feel your warmth when I want cuddles but no one hugs me like you do. I see your smile and feel your lips when I desperately ache for a goodnight kiss.

I've only felt your lips on mine that one time, right before I broke your heart.

I miss you. I hope I can let you go.

As one of my closest friends at the time, I felt my life lacking when I ruined things. My days were empty. I would go looking for you, only to find you, rightfully, alluding to how I hurt you. And yeah, it hurt, maybe it was on purpose or maybe it wasn't, I've never hid that I was a lurker.

Of all the things I miss about you, what I miss most is your friendship. When you'd laugh at my memes, tease me for my innocence, and then teasing me when you found out it wasn't whole story. I miss hearing about your day, I miss worrying over you, I miss you worrying over me. We never got to have a movie night, just us. I think it would have been fun, you had the funniest takes.

Today is my birthday... and if you were still in my life, it probably would have been you that I asked to go ice skating with. I asked Baekhyun hyung to go with me. Ice skating and hot pot. I had a good time, I can go forwards really fast, can't go backwards at all. Do you know how to ice skate?

Anyway, I'm trying to fill my life again. No one person could take your spot, it feels like, so I'll start one by one, trying to... strengthen the friendships I have, maybe build some new ones.

Then maybe, the hole inside my heart won't feel so big.

Someone asked if you did take me back, what would I do? You probably don't want to hear my response but here it is.

hong jisoo 11 minutes ago Reply
If they did take me back, I’d probably spend a good amount of the beginning showing them how special they are to me, how much they mean to me, apologize for how I treated them and learn their love language so fluently so I could try and make them feel extra loved and cared for. I wouldn’t take another moment for granted, or at least try not to. I’m not perfect but I’d try to be enough for them. I can’t stand that I hurt them like I did and there’s like a little hole inside me just aching

I couldn't help but think of you, even though the question wasn't really directed at me.

Does it mean much to say that you were, still are, one of the two that has seen my kitty ears? You know how I feel about showing them (I hope... still). Does it mean anything to say that your lips were the ones I dreamed of? That before you, I couldn't stand to be in rated, but with you, during you, you stirred something in me that had me feeling comfortable there? I didn't even know what it was until after you, that you made me feel like that.

If you took me back... if you let me have you, all of my kisses would be yours. Remember when you couldn't get a good night's sleep without my kisses? You'd get those and more, all over your face, all over your cheeks and forehead and slips. Yours hands, your ears, your arms.

If you let me have you, I'd learn your favorite places to eat, your favorite cuisines, cook for you, take you out.

If you let me have you, I would try to sear every new moment into my brain so I couldn't dream of forgetting. So I could capture every second with you and try to never take it for granted. Why would I still feel like this, if you didn't mean so much to me?

And yet, it was me that hurt you. It was me that, in my brainless stupidity, didn't chose you. I wish I did. I can't change what happened but if I could, I would.

I just... didn't know... and I didn't realize and it wasn't until after you told me how you felt did I realize what a m- I don't want to call him a mistake. He isn't. But maybe I was too hasty in trying to move on?

Since you said there will not be a third time, maybe I have nothing to lose in explaining everything - every thought - that went into this.

Crushing on you was easy as breathing, so easy I didn't realize it at first. I would look for you, eager to see you. When I'd pop up, I'd hope you were awake and free to come see me. You opened up to me and in turn my heart opened up for you. I looked forward to seeing you all sleepy, cuddling together. I know we hung out as the three of us often, but it was you. Even our third friend could see that, he said.

I wondered, when I should tell you, what I should tell you. Then, you cried on my shoulder, for someone else. I didn't know what to do but I didn't want to be that friend. You know, the one that sits and waits for you to like me back, tries to heal you from heartbreak for the purpose of dating you. I didn't want to be that guy, or have you think I was that guy. So I decided I had to get over you. (Spoiler alert, didn't happen.)

I didn't think you'd ever feel... real feelings for me so I... took what I could get at all. Maybe that was not best way to get over someone but I wasn't about to turn down kisses from you, getting to make out with you. I thought, maybe I can have a taste and then I'll be okay.

At the same time, I was seeking out someone else. And then he showed up. Our old friend. I was worried then, too, maybe I just wasn't meant to have crushes, but then he started to reciprocate and I felt... nice. Wanted? Someone I wanted might finally want me back... and I thought maybe it was our time, after being friends for so long.

And then I got that stupid reading, that said I had to make a choice. You have no idea how much it messed my head up, he could tell too. I had to choose? It wouldn't just happen upon me and I could just fall? With my pre-heat crawling up my neck and my emotions so high and getting so much done before I had to disappear for my heat, and so I chose the friend I knew longer. The friend that I wasn't confused about. The friend I could see myself safely falling for.

I chose in my heart and I didn't know when I say anything but you told me the very next day, the very next day, that you felt the same way as me, saying all those things you said, before you stopped stuff between us and I ran away.

My head hurt so much. So many thoughts, what did you mean growing attached? What did you mean, you didn't want to be just an option for me? Did I really just miss my opportunity to be with you? It was only you for almost as long as I've known you and right when I decide to just be friends, that's when you tell me? I was freaking out. I couldn't believe it. That's when I did it, when I decided on the action that broke us.

Why did I think it would be a good idea to tell you that I wanted you, but that I wasn't going to pursue you? I dunno, I think- deep down inside, I wanted you to tell me "choose me". If you said it, I probably would have. Instead you kept questioning me and making me have to answer and tell you that "I choose you". All I did was say how complicated everything was. You wanted me to choose you and I didn't. You gave me a second chance, you gave me another goodnight kiss, the last one, and then you gave me another chance to choose you and I didn't. Why didn't I just choose you?

I was scared. I didn't take the risk, didn't want to risk my heart again. I had few worries that he would hurt me but I didn't know if you'd hurt me, I couldn't gauge it. I knew if I fell he would catch me and then I felt I should stick to that choice once I made it.

I kept insisting because- well- I didn't want you to feel like you were never my choice. You were my choice and I tried to move on when I didn't think I would be yours. You had my heart and I stole it back so rudely violently. I'm sorry. I should have kept quiet, continued to silently move on. I should have let you heal instead of ripping open the wound you were trying to close. I should have chosen you, at any of the points where I could decide. So many shoulds.

I saw you all the time, after that. I was shitty to you but I couldn't get away from you. I saw every scathing word you had for me. I sought it out. I wanted it to hurt the way I had told you. I was simultaneously sorry, hurt, and angry at every scathing word too. It clouded my brain. I thought it was good. You could move on and I could move on and maybe we couldn't be friends but at least we'd be happy.

Then he started ignoring me. You had a talk with him. I think I will always wonder what you said to him. What you talked about. What did you say to him that made it so he didn't want to be with me anymore? Were you so angry with me? Did you hate me? Is that why you kept saying all that in the public rooms?

It wasn't until recently, when I was looking through it all again, that I saw that you were just asking if I was okay. I was so clouded and drowning in my own self inflicted sorrow that I didn't realize you didn't do it out of malice (at least I don't hope). You were asking if I was okay. Do you still wonder if I'm okay?

I wasn't. It felt like I lost you both, not even really just the romantic aspect, I lost you both as friends, too. I was a little jealous, that you two still had each other. I didn't have anyone and it felt like I deserved it. Thought it was best I left, my presence was an unwelcome burden (self inflicted sorrow). Honestly I was just a sad kitty, I didn't want to be sad anymore.

Spoiler alert, still pretty sad.

All that talk about romance got me in my feelings all over again so I took a few days off from writing. A few entries ago, I said what I miss most was the ease of friendship we had. It was easy as breathing, being friends with you. Being there for each other. After you, I didn't really have that with anyone else.

I asked Wooseok hyung to hang out, recently. Have you ever heard of babkas? I tried them when I went on tour in the US recently, they were absolutely amazing. When I saw there was a place here that had them, I had to go. I asked Wooseok because we're friends but not really close, you know? But I'd like to be. So why not share a newly discovered dessert?

This whole thing just- made me realize how much I relied on you and our trio, but mostly you, for friendship but I have other friends, others who would be there for me, if I let them. And I want to let them.

I have so many people I gravitate towards in rooms that I feel close to... but not enough that I feel they'd gravitate toward me. Or am I just oblivious? Clouded? Could be.

My heat starts tonight. I haven't had a proper heat since before you. The one I had after everything was ruined, was sick to my stomach after it all. Then we went on tour and I was on suppressants the last three months.

I should be getting ready, making sure I have food, that my nest is perfect, that all my toys are within reach. And some of that is done, yeah, I can still function, but my first real heat since. My emotions have been so high and low, thinking about what you said and then what I did to ruin it; thinking about him and how I ruined that too.

I don't want to be going into my heat sad and stressed, that's what ruined it back in August, but I'm scared. Scared I'll do something stupid, scared I won't be delirious enough to forget about my problems for a few days, scared I'll call out a name I don't have the right to say anymore in that context.

I was hoping this journaling thing would help me get over you but with my heat, I fear I timed it wrong and it'll get worse before it gets better. Maybe when I get back, I can figure out how to get closure without you back in my life. Someone said something about forgiving myself but how can I?

I was kind of out today, with my heat being over... I saw someone that looked like you. It- definitely wasn't you. You were always more adorable than cutesy? You always had this edge even when you were smiling so wide. There was a hardness about you, even when you were soft.

When I saw them, it didn't hurt so much, to think about you. To think about how you were different (better). Today might have been the first day where I missed you and I didn't - ache for you. It was freeing in a kind of, sad sense. I missed that glint of mischief that would always be in your eye but I didn't yearn for it to be directed to me.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss you but it doesn't hurt to miss you anymore? I hope it stays this way. I hope you're doing well... wherever you are. I'd like to hope that sometimes you think of me, even just a little.

Maybe my next entry will be hanging out with another hyung of mine

It’s been a while… things got kind of busy. I heard a song that made me think of you. Not sure how but Choose by Ateez came up. It was a very sweet song, honestly brought tears to my eyes with how soft it is.

Why am I thinking of you for this song when I ruined my chance with you? Well, your words have stuck around with me and your desire to be chosen and how I didn’t choose you… this song made me think of what could have happened, if I wasn’t such a dumb asshole. Where would we be now, if I chose you?

I thought I had gotten over you, I think I mostly am… but I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you. I’ll always miss your light. You’re not dead, sometimes my writing sounds like you are, but you will never be in my life again, and humans weren’t made for grief…

Hopefully I’ll feel better in the morning.