- Cave Johnson, Portal 2

- Master Willem, Bloodborne

- Rorschach, Watchmen

- Leonard Snart, The Flash

- George Orwell (1984)

- Harvey Dent, The Dark Knight

- Miles Morales, Across The Spider-Verse

In other news, I watched a boxing video, and learnt proper 1-2 (jab-cross) technique. Was pretty cool. I did a bunch of practice punches, and it was honestly pretty satisfying. I'm considering getting a punching bag.

Today, for PJK class, we lit a fire outside with some oil, a lighter, a bunch of sticks and some dry leaves. We had to boil water in order to pass the assignment, so we placed a pot with water over the fire. Someone poured a couple packets of coffee in, which we had an absolute laugh over. All around, it was really fun. Oh, and the "coffee" was tasteless.

Later that day, Dr Suganty bought my whole class McDonalds. It was a welcome surprise. Speaking of welcome surprises, today, I ran out to Blok Pentadbiran as usual, ready to skate. However, to my surprise, I'd forgotten to bring the bag with my skates in it. So as I ran back to the asrama, guess who I meet? Iman from the WSC team. She tells me that she can't make it for the mock MUN, and asks if I want her slot. I say hell yeah! Of course I'm taking that slot! Just goes to show how a seemingly bad thing can also be something good.

My cough's only getting worse. Sigh....

Today, decoration planning started! Thankfully, Amber and Jyx are both artists, so I'll have somewhat good designs for the kolam. I can't really start work, since the auditorium is gonna be jam-packed with events the next couple weeks. We'll only have Saturday and Sunday (the two days before the Deepavali event) to actually do work. No matter. I've done more with less.

Today, I came up with the best words I've said in my entire life. "Humanity can be summed up in one word. Despite." Even in the face of overwhelming struggle, of the supposed meaninglessness of our actions, of the inevitability of death, of poverty, hunger, every single human on Earth is bound together by that one magical word. Despite. We love despite, we try despite, we imagine despite, we hug, we cry, we laugh, we play, we jump and run and create and make and buy and sell and work and listen and talk and chatter and watch and learn and experience-

I figured it out.

THE answer to THE question.

The reason we've never agreed on a meaning of life is that we don't live because of anything. Every day, as long as we don't give up, it's like punching suffering and pain right in the face.

We live despite.

......why?

Like the other voices, this one comes from my past. Growing up, my mother would compare me to the Unabomber. She'd tell me things like "you see the criminal masterminds? they're not idiots. they're people like you. they're what happens when you go wrong." Recently, she admitted to me that she was scared. ....scared of me. Immediately, my mind ran in circles. My mother's a smart woman. Why would she be scared of me?

Like most of the other defining experiences in my life, this message blended into my subconscious, and it would eventually go on to become that voice. The judge. This constant paranoia, hiding under the guise of morality.

Mother told me that she wasn't scared of me. She was scared of what I could become. You know, she's right. The prisoner is real. The worst of me, it's there. As long as it's there, my fears will never be completely unfounded. Never completely unrealistic, because there'll always be that chance. That chance I let go, and become a monster. So would I rather live in fear of myself, or see those fears realized? See, whenever I discuss a voice, I want to have a little section where I just let it go crazy. So go on, Your Honor. Deliver your ruling.

Fear. You love to talk about it, don't you? How it'll get you that respect you so crave, how it'll make people listen to you, realize you're right. But you don't crave respect, do you? You crave domination. Control. "They can't be trusted", you tell yourself. "They don't know what's good for them". Lies. Like the ones you tell everyone else. You lie to yourself, just so you can be okay. Just so you won't have to accept that you're a monster. But that's not going to work on me. No, no no no no no. Twenty years from now, you're gonna be quoting Machiavelli, telling the hostages about how you've got to make them "realize", about how you're "opening the eyes of the world". The worst kind of monster. The ideological kind. Go on, give me your bullshit lecture about how they've "never trusted you", how they "don't realize your value". How you only have to be a monster once.

OKAY, back in the box. That's....honestly, frightening. I don't....that's not going to happen. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't. I just have to believe. Believe in myself, in God, in those around me. It's working. It's working.

One by one, I'm going to write a post detailing each of the voices; their roles, their impacts, whatever. Part of that includes letting those voices go. Originally, this was going to have a far more positive ending. One where I say something about how I won't have to live in fear of myself. But...what if I do? What if someday, revenge really does consume me? That's what the judge is there to prevent. That's his job. As much as it sucks, I'd rather live in fear of myself than become the person I always thought I could be.

What have people done, aaaaallll your life? Trample over you. Throw you to the side, take you for granted. They've never seen your value, they never have, they never will. You have to show them. You have to make them see, make them see how GREAT you are, how much you deserve love- no. Not love. Love died a long time ago. Respect. Respect means they'll listen. Because you have great ideas, you're someone worth listening to, and they can't see that. They can't, they can't, they won't. You fight people with what they understand. Convince emotional people with emotion, logical people with logic. But what do idiots understand? Fear. Fear. Fear. You only have to be a monster once. Make an example out of someone. Show them what you're capable of. Then they'll listen. Then they'll listen. Fear. Fear is respect. Power. Unadulterated, raw power. Power I could do so much with, power I should do so much with. God has given me the great gift of enlightenment. I should share it with the world. But the world won't listen. They're blind. It's hard being the only one able to see. That's why I need the power. That's why I need them to be scared. So I can open their eyes. So they can see.

That.....that's why the judge is there, isn't it? Because of this. That's......not all, though, is it? Go on. Light 'em up.

People will try to do many things. A lot of them bad. What we need to do is make sure that you never suffer those things. You know how? You let go. You make them hurt. You show them that you are willing to sacrifice anything, that you'll go further, that you'll fight harder, whatever. You back down, you lose. Because that shows them that they can trample over you without any consequences. You need to make them realize that no one messes with you and gets away intact. That way, no one will ever hurt you again. All you have to do is make them burn. Fire. Once it ignites, it...consumes. A horrible way to die, no doubt. I can think of far worse, but....this will suffice.

A tyrant and an arsonist. What makes them different from the prisoner is that...they have goals. Where the prisoner simply wants to see my father suffer, the tyrant wants respect. The arsonist wants to deter those who would hurt me. What I do know is that they're wrong. It's better to be loved than feared, and you don't stop people from hurting you by hurting them back. These two come from a place of hurt.

........but I'm a person who considers every possibility. So every time I'm hurt, the question always comes back to me. What if they're right?

I can feel the inspiration flowing, you know? Music's coming along well. The cough is subsiding a little.

Till this day, no one has ever said it better than Nike. Just do it. That's the secret, really. I was in this horrible loop of constantly putting myself down and failing my commitments, until I just.....well, I just did it. I did what I said I was gonna do, and here I am. Doing what I said I was gonna do, write a Padlet entry every single day. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. And it feels amazing.

Who could forget Christmas? DECORATION! My one true love.

My cough's getting better again. Hopefully this trend keeps up.

I had my appointment with Madam Suhaina today. It went pretty well. Nothing much to say, though. After that, we dissected rats! I got to cut the stomach out of the body! It was kinda exciting, honestly. I thought I'd be grossed out, but nope, I kinda enjoyed it, actually. It was nice. Today's been a good day.

I FINALLY SOLVED A RUBIK'S CUBE. FOURTEEN LONG YEARS. I DID IT. I DID IT. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

I'll tell you this, it is not the easiest to work with the AsPi students. It's kinda hard to figure out what Sir Isaac wants, to be honest. He insists on collaborating with them, which...sure. I don't even know why I'm frustrated, to be honest. Maybe because I can't really do anything right now. Maybe because I'm more the kind of person to leave specifics for the end. No matter. It will be done. I promise you that.

Today I went skating again, for the first time in quite a few days. It was exhilarating. I finally decided to try and chain tricks together, going from one spin to the next as I danced around in those magical shoes. It felt like I was walking- no, gliding on air. Spin and spin and jump and direction change and glide and slide and spin and- well, you get the picture. I winded up dizzy for a whole five minutes. I'm definitely gonna be doing more of that.

- Charles Xavier, X-Men: First Class

It's getting worse. He's getting worse. Trying to break out. The prisoner. See, I kept worrying and talking about how I'm a so-called monster, and eventually, I had to walk my talk. So...well, I let him out. Just once. Then....twice. Then three times. It gets harder to lock him away each time. But I'm strong. I'm stronger than him. Stronger than all of them. That's why I'll win. Even though sometimes it feels like I'm searching for reasons to be angry, people to hate, you know? One thing goes wrong, and something flares up. That's him, banging on his cell doors. Trying to escape. Trying to hurt people. But I won't let him. No, no no no no no. I won't let him.

I ended the last one with "every time I'm hurt, the question comes back to me." But here's the thing. I haven't been hurt. I'm secure, I'm safe, people listen to me. But not because they're scared, no. Because they trust me, because they care about me. People will never realize my so-called value if I treat them horribly. There's no reason to. There's a reason I sort of try and separate them from myself; they're not what I believe in. But they're still there. So they must have a reason.

Why would I want people to be scared of me? So they'll listen. So they'll realize- No. So you can have power. Why do you want power? I deserve it. I could make better use of it- Says who? ME. Why? Because- well- Exactly. Because when they see that I'm right, they'll realize that all along, they should've listened. Then they won't have to be scared of me. Then they'll trust me, then they'll- Ah. There it is. The magic button. Trust. You want trust. The thing you've- I've broken so many times. Figures. You think power will gain you trust, respect- ....love.... Now that wasn't so hard. Sometimes, it comes to my attention that I'm interrogating my inner demons and transcripting it to text. Then, I quickly ignore that fact. This is a journal. It's a coping mechanism. Externalizes all this, so I don't have to do it in my head.

You think you're not trusted? Not cared for? Not loved? NO! NO ONE DOES. NO ONE. NO ONE. I'M ALONE. That's your mistake. You're far from alone. People care about you, about me. They trust me. They LOVE me. Why? Because I trust them, because I care about them, because I love them- no, no no no no no no, that's not how it works- Yes. I'm afraid it is. Really, I'm not. You are. I'm not...scared- Yes. You are. You can't bear to deal with the thought of having to care again. Because it's easier, isn't it? Get away from me. What? Just because I still have my humanity, doesn't mean I'm not cut from the same cloth. I can still figure out exactly what you want. Exactly what you need, exactly what you fear. I can still tear you apart. But I won't. Why? Don't you- hate me? Yes, you're quite the nuisance. But....you don't deserve to be torn apart. To be brought down, trampled, disrespected, disregarded. Not anymore. You don't have to be a victim. You don't have to be scared. Because they care about you. I care about you. You're hurt. You're an echo, really. A fragment, a memory of what once was. Of what could've happened, of what that scared 10-year-old child wanted to do. To block everyone out. That's what you are. A scared, hurt child. Not a tyrant, or an arsonist. (The prisoner, on the other hand...I'll deal with him later.) You know what you need? w-what...? A hug. Some warm water, a good night's sleep. Someone to dry your eyes. Believe me, you'll get all that and more. Just..........stop fighting. Stop trying to control people. Stop trying to make them scared of you. You want them to trust you? Start by trusting me. Trust me, and trust the knowledge that you don't have to be scared anymore. We don't have to be scared anymore.

DAMN. THAT WAS CATHARTIC. I'm glad I did this. I needed to stop being scared. But this one's just hurt. The other one, he's vengeful. But I don't have to be scared anymore. Not of myself. Not of anyone else. And I pray there never comes a day when anyone is scared of me.

It's still raining. Can't skate. It's still getting harder to lock him up. Nowadays whenever I'm alone, he tries to come out. I hate it. It disgusts me. But if I'm going to be honest, I'm growing to be at peace with it. It's not about how horrible he is. It's about how strong I am for fighting him off, every single time. I have to refer to him as someone else because- well- that can't be who I am. That's not me. You know? It helps me to process things, separating it out into different "people". That can't be who I am. I'm not someone consumed by pain, anger, revenge, and obsession. I'm not. But there's that part of me, and...I'm starting to accept that. .....is that wrong?

I'm still trying to wake up earlier though. It's good for me. There wasn't any class the first half of the morning. Just a nice, slow Monday. I'll finish Add Math, go to PK, maybe even go skating, if the weather lets me....

- Padme Amidala, Revenge of the Sith

Recently, I've been off my meds. I can feel them. They're louder again. Not as loud as they used to be, but...louder. They're weird. Fixations. Obsessions. Random numbers, repeated phrases....concepts, y'know? Like once they latch on, they don't let go. Recently, they've been calling for someone. Someone that isn't there. There's no one there. There's no one there. It keeps repeating. I HATE IT. Repetition. Patterns. How do they work? I can do it. I can figure them out. Or I can just keep taking my meds, and just not have to deal with them. That sounds better, not gonna lie.

But now for the two really important things. I got new skates! Aifven's in for a really good early Christmas present....and my father...apologized. He apologized. HE APOLOGIZED. Let's get this straight, everyone. My father. He apologized. He said sorry, in this elegant message that honestly was pretty beautiful. I- I don't know what to say. I want to forgive him, but.....I'm still here, you know. Exactly. Because....I haven't really let myself go. Have I? I've got to let myself be angry. Just for a little bit.

Stupid obsessions. Stupid repetition. There's no one there. Why is there no one there? Who am I looking for? They mean something. They have to. Why are they there? They have to mean something. I wouldn't just be randomly going on about nonsense. There's no one there. What does it mean?

....should I stay off the meds? How am I ever going to figure out what they're saying if I can't hear them? I need to hear them. What does "147959" mean? I don't get it. I don't get it. Why? What's- why? So many questions. So little answers. There's no one there. There's no one there. Where is there? Who am I looking for? Why are they telling me to breathe? Actually, that one's obvious.

- Loki, Thor

Today, I tried out my new skates. They were great; a bit harder to turn with, but that's just what happens with new skates. Gotta break 'em in first. They sound- I don't know what it is, but they feel smoother. Not having to tighten the screws is a big plus too. Hopefully, someday soon, Aifven will join me.

Update: I unpackaged FL Studio 21, and................DAMN.

I have no words. I have nothing to say, other than DAMN.

I read this great article about the effects of positive emotion, and it was honestly pretty interesting. Look at me! Reading scholarly articles. Why? Because I had free time. That's such a me thing to do. I feel like Mark Charles right now. Hell, I feel like Mark Charles all the time. It's a good feeling. I like being Mark Charles.

So after the slow morning, I sped up again. Not by much, but enough that I could feel it. More energized. But this time, it wasn't just energy, you know? I was happy again. Not just energized. Yeah. Sometimes, even I need a rest.

Matter of fact:

"I'm scared that if I don't do this, I'll die." can also be worded as:

"I trust that I will die if I don't do this."

In order for there to be fear, there first has to be trust. Trust in some impending negative consequence, whether tangible or intangible, definite or indefinite. Trust. Trust is an essential component of fear, but what makes fear.....fear? What makes it grip us to our seats in the movies, makes our blood run cold in real life?

.....fear is something I've had quite the experience with. Anxiety and paranoia are old friends by this point. Always wondering if I'll go down a dark path, y'know? Always thinking, thinking, THINKING. I've been scared of myself, and...even though I wrote a long padlet post about it, I.....don't know if I'm beating it just yet.

You can never not be scared, you know? No one's "no longer scared." People are scared, believe me. All the time. Everyone's scared. They just do things in spite of that fear. One of my fears is.....myself. I'm scared that....I'll be a monster. That I'll slip, let go, snap, whatever. That whatever darkness is fighting inside of me is going to take hold, and.....and....and I'll hurt someone. Someone I care about.

My mother was scared of me. I hate it when people are scared of me. It means I'm right. See, when no one else is scared of me, that means I'm crazy. It means I'm wrong, that I'm just being paranoid, and that there's no way I'll become a Machiavellian extremist, obsessed with something or other. But when people ARE scared of me......that means I'm right. ....and if you know anything about me, you know that's far, far worse. So contrary to what that stupid voice is telling me, I don't want anyone to be scared of me. ....please. I'm not....a monster. I'm not. I'M NOT. I won't be. I won't let it happen. It's not gonna work. You're not gonna do it. I won't let you. Whoever- whatever you are. I'm Mark Charles, and.....you aren't. So stop telling me that you're the real me. Stop trying to convince me we're alike, stop- STOP. Just- stop. I don't want to deal with you. I just....I just don't want to be scared anymore. Please. Don't be scared.

The calm before the storm. Friday is College Dinner and the start of decoration. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- but also- HELL NO. You know what I mean?

Decoration's going well so far. I love it when a plan comes together. Don't you?

Update: Finally went skating with Aifven. It was great.

- Roger "Verbal" Kint, The Usual Suspects

Today, I got to meet (and listen to a speech from) Nobel laureate Sir Richard Timothy Hunt. A renowned British biologist. Hm. It wasn't what I expected. I even got to shake his hand. He was funny, lighthearted, and he told us the tale of his life in science, and what lessons he'd learnt from it. He told us that luck was important, which I'm gonna be honest, was surprising to hear. Normally people tell you all about hard work and stuff (and he did tell us about hard work), but rarely do you ever hear anyone chalk things like important scientific discoveries up to luck. It's representative of the more laid-back attitude he had, and I quite liked it. Made him easy to listen to.

Right now, I'm having that feeling. Not a good feeling. Oh boy.

Then there's the other thing. The....voices. Whatever they are. They're getting worse, I think. Harder to silence. I need more medication. I'm sure of it. Whatever. I'm not gonna hurt anyone. I'm not gonna hurt anyone. Right? Right. I'm gonna win. Screw them.

Surprisingly, despite it being the 21st of December, the celebrations are far from full swing.

He also taught me how to polish a car! New life skill unlocked.

Alcohol makes people forget about their problems and do silly crazy things. I don't need alcohol to do that! ......that's not something worth bragging about, is it? Eh. Who cares? No, this is all just a coping mechanism for my complete and utter lack of- hey, WAIT A MINUTE.

You know, seeing as it's my last semester of Foundation 3, I should probably be getting serious. Just one problem. .....how do you do that? At some point, it hit me smack in the face that I don't really know what it means to put in hard work. With a few exceptions, I suppose. Normally, I kinda just use my intelligence to breeze through everything. The part where I can do that is kinda coming to an end. Damn. Hard work. Ugh. UGH. You know what? No. I'm Mark Charles. I can do this. Right?

Also, apparently, I'm just going through analyzing all the emotions. Why am I doing this? Perhaps to understand myself. Perhaps to understand others. Understanding, the basis of everything. Hm.

Anger. Mother says that when you prevent someone from becoming sad, they become angry. When you stop someone from becoming angry, they become vengeful. Every time you deny someone that chance, the emotion gets worse and worse. Hm. Interesting theory.

Anger, out of all the emotions, is easily the hardest to control. Probably because it's the most forceful. There are more powerful emotions, but anger (and its more intense cousins, vengeance, wrath, et cetera) carry a certain raw brutality. Like a dull club. Anger is often unfocused, bleeding out at anything and everything. But some people sharpen the dull club. Some people turn it into a sharp sword. For those people, their anger is cold, like ice. Ice can burn you just as bad as fire. (No kidding, apparently ice burn is a real thing. Sudden contact with low temperatures can form ice crystals in your blood, preventing blood flow or something.)

I find that sometimes, I just want to let go. Swing the dull club. Let the anger out. But part of me says no. Advocates for restraint. Not for a good reason, though. It tells me to make the anger cold. So it hurts more. What's the point of lashing out, if not to do damage? ......well, letting it out. It's not about hurting people. But- WHAT'S THE POINT? WHY NOT? WHY CAN'T I JUST- BE ANGRY? Well, I could. BUT AT WHO? ....myself. ME. I found it. I figured it out. ......yeah, that's right. Get off the floor. Stop whining, stop typing this, and start doing your work-

It's kinda nice to be back. It's also kinda not. School is always bittersweet.

Yesterday, I had a bad accident while skating; my shin collided with the sharp edge of a pillar, and I lost a couple millimeters of skin. Now it hurts to walk. Yeah, kinda sucks. My leg's a bit better now. Hope it goes away soon....

Years ago, if you told me that I would be who I am today, I'd laugh at you. Just more proof of how far I've come. But I can go further. I can push harder. I can always push harder. Well, not with this leg injury. But you know what I mean. It's settled. I will CONQUER BM. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

I miss skating. My leg still slightly hurts, so I don't wanna risk it, but.....ugh. COME ON, LEG! STOP BEING SO PATHETIC!

Today, we have a chemistry quiz. Like most of the things related to chem, it should be a breeze, although that's not gonna stop me from- actually revising? Woah. New year, new me is right! Mark Charles? REVISION?! No kidding?

Like I said. Last year was the comeback. This year is the upgrade.

Song presents an interesting question. Why worry? I have no idea. So I just don't worry. Simple. Sometimes I worry a little, but at the end of the day, I just try to get everything done. Long as I do that, I'll be fine. Hell, I am fine. Yeah. No, not really. My leg still aches slightly. Making me have second thoughts about skating today. Eh. Why worry?

Conveniently, when I was starting out with my Spotify playlist (ON SEPTEMBER 22, 2022) this was the first song I added. Acid jazz will always have a special place in my heart.

My mind, however, has no place for it, as it is currently crammed full with my assignments, and my right leg giving me trouble again. Maybe it's because I went skating yesterday? Ugh. Either way, it's worse than it was before. It feels like the pain is in my bones. It sucks. I should get it checked.

Today, I stayed in bed until like 12:30. It was nice, but it also made me feel kinda pathetic about my life. Oh well. Once in a while, you gotta rest, right?

My leg's getting worse.

Today wasn't as unproductive as Saturday, but not that much better. I need to get back on track.

This song is my father's ringtone, and it's one of the first songs 9-year-old me listened to during my introduction to rock music. I'll never forget it, and it's always kinda funny when out of nowhere, the chorus starts playing just because Dad got a call.

When can I skate again? I don't wanna risk my leg, but- ugh, I just- I wanna go fast! I wanna go FAST! I GOTTA GO FAST! Call me Sonic, because I gotta go fast. And now my leg hurts. Ugh. I can't go fast.....

BANG BANG BANG IT'S A BREAKOUT bass drop Noisestorm supremacy

I forgot to take my meds today. Ugh.

Here it comes. Here we go. Every moment. Every second of my life has led up to this. There is no turning back now. "Just lean back and let it go." This is one of the songs from Need For Speed Payback's soundtrack, and god damn, this is easily the most badass one. I can't help but feel just that little more on edge, you know? This thing just has that shiver-down-your-spine effect. I dunno how they do it. Maybe I'll try to capture that kind of vibe one day.

Today we had the Christmas gift exchange and presentation! The presentation didn't go that well, audio issues and such, but in the end it worked out great, and everyone was happy. Daeviin who got his own gift and had to exchange with someone else, which was pretty funny.

Ugh. I wasted so much of time today. Sometimes I can't help but feel like kicking my own ass. Not that it's possible, but if it was, I would do it.

Anyway, shoutouts to this song for being easily one of my favorite rock songs, and for introducing me to this amazing band, the Black Keys. Love 'em to bits. This stuff makes my day sometimes.

My guess is intensity. But to a certain extent, screaming also conveys a lack of control. With the more negative emotions it can also convey a sense of danger, a sort of auditory warning; if someone is screaming at you, then they're probably pretty damn pissed.

Recently, I find myself screaming. Not at anything in particular. I take care to scream into my piillow. I don't want to disturb anyone. No one can see me like this. Screaming. Screaming. So much screaming.

I was figuring I should do a post on sadness. But...therein lies the problem. I'm not sad. I'm not sad anymore. It's useless to regret and cry about what already happened. But anger doesn't go away that easily. It just stays there. Screaming. So much screaming. SCREAMING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

It's unsettling when they switch. One minute it's quiet, malicious whispers, and the next it's an unrelenting barrage of anger. GRRRRRAAAAAAAAH! I JUST WANNA- UGH! PUNCH SOMETHING! I gotta let it out. I should get a punching bag. I find that, despite all the punching, however, nothing calms me down like just plain screaming. I should scream more. Maybe then I wouldn't have to hear them screaming at me.

I can't help it. I'm a child of the era I was born in. This song will always have a little place in my heart.

I find that I've been trying to let out my feelings, like as if that will help somehow. It does seem to help, actually. I feel calmer after screaming into my pillow or punching the air. Ugh. Why can't I just go back to how I normally am? I'm happy. Truth is, there's no real reason for me to be angry. Well, except at myself. For wasting time instead of doing my work. Ugh. GET BACK TO WORK ALREADY!

Today, we had to attend this mental health talk. It was actually really useful, and they discussed things like smoking, safe sex, drug addiction, and even cancer. It also meant we didn't have class today, so that was cool.

I'm starting to go into full panic mode about my exams, but I gotta keep at it. I gotta keep studying. I gotta. I gotta push harder, work faster, study more, more more more more more MORE. MORE. MORE. Always. More. Not enough. Faster.

Come to think of it, I don't know how good of an idea it is to push myself this hard. Eh. It's better than just lazing around.

Anyway, i love this song. Michael Buble will always have that little place in my heart, just because no one sings Christmas songs like he does. Then again, there's plenty more to him than just his Christmas specials, as I am apparently just beginning to find out.

I know it's cheesy, but it's a classic, and nothing will ever sound like Starship, with their soaring synths and warm vocals. This song feels like a comfy blanket, and its guitar solo still leaves me all fuzzy on the inside every time. At least to me, this is what love sounds like.

I can't help but feel like I should have prepared more for my exams. I suppose they aren't here yet. I can still do more prep. More prep. More. More prep. Yeah.

UPDATE UPDATE (this update was written a lot later than the 24th lmao) I REALIZED I ACCIDENTALLY USED A SONG TWICE (there's supposed to be a new song for every day of the year, so um....lol L me)

LoL, literally. League of Legends has this kpop band called K/DA and while I never really listen to kpop at all, I heard JJ listening to this song one day and it's really funny and also it just sounds pretty damn good like damn he did not have to go this hard with this remix yaknow what I mean?

Shoutout to Akali for having one of my favorite rap sections ever. Despite not understanding anything, it's really fun and makes me feel slightly more badass. (I'm fairly certain no one reading this knows who Akali is, but this is my head. MY RULES!)

I tried out a couple new things today; this software/website called Habitica that turns my life into a bunch of quests? Like I can add tasks to it and complete them, but they're real life things that I actually do. It's really cool. Like now, when I'm writing this entry, I'll get some rewards after this because I wrote this entry, which is a daily habit I've been trying to keep. It's great!

The other new thing I tried is wearing my watch on my right hand. I noticed a slightly darker patch of skin on my left wrist, and I think maybe it's got something to do with me almost never taking off my watch, so I switched hands for today.

If there was a time to start panicking, it would be now.

I could never figure out the lyrics of this song. Then again, it's hard to figure out the lyrics of most Eminem songs. The chorus just sounds like he's humming weirdly, but it's strangely addictive. Also, I swear, how does this guy fit so many words into his raps? Like he rhymes the silliest things, says "buckshot double-aught garotte couple knots" or something like that at one point, finds a way to put "Filet-O-Fish" and "Gandhi" into his rhymes, and like- I swear, every time I listen to Eminem music I get a bit more amazed by the pure skill in every line. Also, the remix version because it sounds cooler than the original.

so.....much.....BM....

Shoutouts to this line: "You marvel that? Eddie Brock is you, and I'm the suit, so call me-" (I just thought it was kinda funny he managed to reference Marvel that's literally it)

More time. I need more time. No. I can do this. Right? Right. Yeah. I just need to actually focus. Focus. Think. Clearer. Focus.

Listen to me. Breathe. Stop wasting time and just do it already, or else you're gonna keep making excuses for yourself. Then there's our IFSC research proposal....and its deadline just got extended to the 9th of February! Amazing. Very happy about that.

The song? Typically, I find something to say about the song I add for the day, but no. This one just makes me feel epic. That's it.

Today, for the first time ever, I went bowling. I got my ass kicked, of course, but it was still fun. I went on this outing with the rest of my classmates; my first outing with people other than my family. It was fun, lots of fun. Granted, fun at the cost of what is probably my exam marks.

We ate at this amazing buffet. It was RM40 per person, and I got to eat so much, from clams and crabs to lovely fried chicken and corn. We had some issues with people having cash and TnG and whatnot, but everything was settled in the end. Me and Jyx played some games at the District 21 arcade, before we finished the day off with an hour of bowling. I missed EIGHT DAMN SHOTS IN A ROW. I am thoroughly impressed by how bad that was. No matter. The next time I go bowling, I won't be half as bad. At least, I hope not.

This is one of the older songs on my playlist. As in, I found it quite a while back. "Feels like a movie, everybody's watching, all eyes on me, all eyes on me". I don't know what to tell you other than that growing up, Dad would always chide me over how much attention I was attracting. Eventually, I begin to revel in it. All publicity is good publicity, as they say. Some part of me feels like I was built specifically to be on top of a stage, at the center of attention, in front of millions- well, that's overexaggerating, maybe a few thousand adoring fans. Perhaps if I really pursued a career in music, I could be a DJ, and someday I might even be able to see that crowd. Who knows?

I am thoroughly convinced there was no better song for the occasion. WORK. WORK. WORK. SO MUCH WORK. DO THE WORK. Work. Work. Work. After BM, there's Bio. After that, Moral. Then Music and Sejarah. The hard subjects don't stop. Oh well. It's exams. Don't complain. Just shut up and WORK! Work. Work. Work.

BM is tomorrow.........wish me luck guys....

ROUND 1: BM + MATHS

Everyone's worried about maths. There's trigo, which is always a bit of a pain, and sigh taxation, which is just a lot of memorization. But no, what's really got me is BM. You know why. You all know why. This exam is the BM version of ELit, and- well, let's just say I doubt it's going to treat me well.

BUT! I have STUDIED! I HAVE PREPARED! ......maybe not as much as I should have. BUT I WILL NOT GET ANOTHER HORRIBLE GRADE! At the very least, an improvement from the almost failing score I got last time. Right? Right. RIGHT. YEAH. I CAN DO THIS. GRRRR.

I am, indeed, living on a prayer. Or at least, my chances of getting a good grade with BM are.

English yawn was a joke! Duh. Finished it an hour, even with double-checking my answers. I mean, it's English. They don't call me the American man for nothin'! (Yes, my juniors have actually referred to me as "the American guy") Some of them even call me British, although I find American to be more common. I still have no idea why they do that. Probably because I don't have a Malay or Indian accent when I speak English.

Anyway, Bio. This one's actually gonna be difficult. Uh oh. Bio is just a lot of memorization, but believe me when I say it's a LOT of memorization. A lot. Lots and lots of memorization. Oh well. I can handle it.

YOU'RE SIMPLY THE BEST! While I've heard this song before, the first time I learnt the title was yesterday, when JJ showed it to me. It's beautiful. No one makes music like this anymore. Mostly because 80s synths aren't used a lot in modern music.

MORAL.....um.......read the textbook....

Add Math shouldn't be that bad. Sejarah and Music tomorrow is what I'm really worried about.

Eight. Seven. Six. FIVE. FOUR. THREE. TWO. ONE. FIGHT!

This is the final boss, alright. After today, there's Physics, English Literature, Chemistry, and Mandarin, and none of them are in Malay, so you know what that means.

ROUND TWO. FIGHT!

This is also one of my favorite songs to shadowbox to, mostly because- well, it sounds like something that would play while fighting. Anyway, back to studying for Sejarah.

CARS! CARS, CARS, CARS. I love cars. My first word was car. My favorite movie as a kid was Cars. But now my childhood's gone. Real gone. (yeah, I'm not funny, I know.) This song is one of my favorite to skate to, mostly because I can't help but feel like I'm blazing down a highway, you know?

Well here I come, and I'm so not scared

Got my pedal to the metal and my hands in the air

But look out, you take your blinders off

Everybody's lookin for a way to get real gone

Easily one of my favorites; an essential part of my childhood, and not something I'm forgetting any time soon. Sheryl Crow deserves her place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

ANYWAY! As for what happened today....I found a 1300 page Chemistry textbook, and felt the thirst for knowledge again. It was a good feeling. I liked it. Reminds me of when I was younger. I should make a point to read through more giant textbooks.

I didn't really do anything today.

What do you want me to say? What do you expect me to tell you?

This song is happy. I like this song. Makes me feel like.....like I'm happy. Happy. Very happy. Exams are about to end. So why do I feel so.....not happy?

Bittersweet. That's the word. After this comes IFSC. Level 1. So much more. More. More. So much more. BUT BEFORE THAT! MY ONE MONTH OF HOLIDAYS! OF DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! OF GALLIVANTING AROUND LIKE IT'S THE TIME OF MY LIFE! AND IT IS! WOOOO-

But still- I'll miss this place. I really will.

Instead of studying, today I went to church. God will save me! Heh, no, I mean- not to dispute my faith in God or anything, nor to poke fun at Him, but I think this time, He'll help me by telling me to study. So that I will.

Physics and English Literature are tomorrow. You could say ELit is the last true challenge, although personally for me, Sejarah was the last challenge. All the heavy hitters come early; Moral, Bio, BM, Add Math, and Sejarah are all in the first four days. That typically means that through the second wave of the exams, I kinda just coast around and take a victory lap. Oh, especially on Mandarin, man, like the exam is just a joke, okay? My Mandarin is garbage, absolute garbage, but I still get A+ on the test consistently. Yawn. I'm still gonna study, of course, but...well, I'm not expecting any surprises.

Until next time, dear readers. If you're there. No, you are. Someone's reading this. I know it. I just know it.

Physics wasn't a joke. It wasn't particularly hard either, though, so that was cool. English Literature was also nothing to really write home about, so today was really just a standard, boring day of exams. Yeah, I know. Sounds like an oxymoron.

Chemistry is tomorrow...yawn.

It's organic chemistry. I spent 3 years doing a course on it. I could do this with one eye closed. Hell, maybe I will. No, that would be stupid. But regardless, I'm wondering if I should actually revise. Eh. I will. Just to be safe. Not like I'm worried, though. Two more days....

I won't deny it. I won't run, or hide, or shy away. I still like disco. You can't blame me, this stuff's absolutely lit, like- I love how warm, fluffy and comforting this song feels, you know? Like a comforting blanket wrapped around me. I love blankets.

Chemistry, unlike Physics, was a joke. Nothing much to say, really. Organic chem. What do you expect? It's me. Organic chemistry is my favorite topic in all of chem. So yes, it was a joke. I finished before EVERYONE ELSE. (Imagine if I get horrible marks....)

NOW ONTO TODAY'S REAL MEAT! I got to go to the doctor, and he's slowly tryna help me figure myself out - maybe I've got repressed memories.....now I'm wondering, should I go search for them?

As for the song? Like I said before. There's no hiding it. I'm old.

Seeing as today is Mandarin, I've selected the only Chinese song on my playlist. First found this one in Rhythm Doctor's Muse Dash crossover; the level it goes with is pretty fun (heck, the game in general is, go check out Rhythm Doctor if you want to) and the song is a real vibe.

What? Studying for Mandarin? Pshhhhh. It's the final exam. No one studies for Mandarin. Okay, I'm kidding. I studied. A little bit. Just a little bit. Enough to remember the words. That'll do, clearly. They gave us the format, and it looks just as easy as it's always been. Then I'll have to pack...

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

I. Win. I. Win. I. GOD. DAMN. WIN.

ONE WHOLE MONTH. ONE ENTIRE MONTH AT HOME.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-

okay, okay. Fine. Goodbye. I'll update you all on how life at home goes. Either way, I think we can all agree.

I win.

(This song's another one from Need For Speed Payback, and easily one of my favorite tracks from the game. I never thought I would listen to this kinda stuff, but here I am. This just hits different.)

Can't believe I ever forgot about Fall Out Boy.

My first day of holiday! My parents are already putting down the lines on doing BM and such....part of me regrets being so eager to do it. A small part of me, but I'm sure that part will grow bigger. Whatever. I'll power through.

How much you wanna risk?

I'm not lookin for somebody with

Some superhuman gifts-

I have never fallen out of love with Coldplay. From when I first heard "Hymn For The Weekend" to hearing the "When I Ruled The World" instrumental at every school award ceremony. "The Scientist" is another personal favorite, and "Everglow" is something I've always wanted to learn. But nothing feels like a warm blanket as much as "Something Just Like This".

Tomorrow, we're leaving for Melaka. It's for Intrudu (Kristang for "Introduction"), a.k.a. Water Day. To celebrate the last Sunday before Lent, we get to throw water at each other for half a day. It's beautiful, and some of my favorite memories with my family have been from there.

Now I'm in Melaka, and......oh boy. How do I even start? I got to drench so many people in water. WATER. I noticed most of the water was cold (more like I got drenched in it) so I put warm water in my water gun and shot all my cousins. Joshua called me Medic from TF2 and it was pretty funny to "ubercharge" people (turns out warm water is pretty damn good when ur drenched in cold water all the time). I got to hang out with my cousins, head down to Uncle Gavin's bar (it's this amazing place that used to be a jetty but converted into a bar) and and and and watch fireworks OH and the priest said he would bless people with holy salt and holy water but really he just threw water at people. There was even this old man on a wheelchair who tried to get away BUT FATHER DIDN'T LET HIM OH NO THE PRIEST SPLASHED HIM ANYWAY! I got drenched too (predictably), Cyrus taught me how to arm wrestle properly, and so much more.....so much that it's too much to even fit here! There was a bar fight! I don't know about what, but there was a bar fight! Summer recorded everything!

Now, with all this beautiful time spent with my family, what better song to play for today than the single most iconic one?

At every event with my mother's family, this song is played. Without fail. This, Achy Breaky Heart, Macarena, Bala Chili Cha Cha, Can't Take My Eyes Off You- oh. I think I get why people say I'm American.

It was actually pretty good; the guy sat down with me for a whole 2 hours, and I thought his class was pretty informative. Got to do practice essays, exercises, et cetera. I also got to go to Godpa's house, which is always cool. My sisters and I watched Thor: Ragnarok (I left halfway through the movie, though that's no discredit to the movie, it's amazing and I'll finish it someday). I have new lyric ideas, so that's something. The goal is to finish the lyrics for my first song by the end of this holiday, get Aifven to record when I get back to school, and release before the next set of exams! Now, if only I could find a realistic-sounding guitar......

Want me to describe this song, or tell you something interesting about how I discovered it, or what I find fun or unique about it, like with most of the others I've put on here? In that case, I've only got one thing to say about this song.

My mother.

Oh yeah, here today's song. Apparently this is all over TikTok? Not that I would know. I don't have an account, after all, but Cyrus said this was in a lot of edits and whatnot, so.......regardless, this is a really fun and upbeat song, and the trumpet hits pretty different from a lot of stuff I've heard before. Enjoyable.

About today? Oh yeah, today was Ash Wednesday. I got the ash on my forehead and everything. There was also BM tuition today, which was something. I'm writing this before BM tuition, so I dunno why I'm using past tense. Huh.

No, as good as I am at English, I don't care enough to fix my grammar mistakes. I mean, we all know writing's not easy. That's why Grammarly can help. This sentence is grammatically correct, but it's- time for me to go do something other than update my digital diary, so goodbye.

I finally managed to put together a guitar that sounds.....not entirely fake? I don't really know how to describe it, but guitars are so much harder to digitally replicate than other instruments.

There's a couple songs I'd like to put here that aren't on Spotify, so they can't go in my 365-song playlist, which is kinda sad.

Oh yeah, did I mention I got a 3DS emulator? Citra rocks.

BM tuition today. I dunno, for the holidays, it's surprisingly uneventful. Just how I like it.

Then it goes on to this comparatively more upbeat pattern, but it never really loses its sense of weight. I don't know how to say it.

Today, I'm going to finish the entire Standard 4 BM textbook. All 195 pages. All 195 pages. I'm on page 46. Ugh. 149 to go.

Okay, I couldn't resist. This is one of the harder trap drops I've heard to this day, props to that. I'm pretty sure a few people know this from some YouTuber's intro. I don't know which YouTuber, but good on them for having such good taste.

About today? Hm. Today I went to visit my new cousin, DJ. It's short for......Daniella Jeanelle? It's to fit with her older brothers' names; AJ and CJ respectively. It always tickles me a little to think of their names being so....neat. Like their kids are a set of "Collect 'Em All!" Happy Meal toys from McDonalds. Do y'all remember when Happy Meals had toys? Yeah.....how times pass. Then I had to do a ton of BM homework. OK, it wasn't a TON, I just procrastinated it. Classic me. Sometimes I feel like with all my work, I haven't gotten anywhere.

The other thing that happened was Faith heard some of the lyrics I was writing - and promptly asked me if we could collaborate. Uhhhh......yeah, I kinda.....don't wanna be in a band with my sister. I'm thinking of name ideas while I'm at it. I've gotta make our debut unforgettable. Ah, whatever. Stop overthinking it, bud. You're naturally unforgettable.

Today? Hm. Uhhhhh........BM tuition. That's it.

Today........nothing happened, I think. I don't really remember. Wait, I helped Faith beat Spider-Man: Miles Morales. That was pretty epic.

Today was........something. I finished writing a bridge! That's about it. I think. Yeah. Played more Spider-Man and loaded up the Arkham Knight disk.

- Mark Charles

No problem! Wrote a first verse, still stuck on the guitar solo, working on chords and stuff, I guess? I need to find a decent guitar plugin. UGH. UGH. UGH. GUITAR PLUGINS. GUITAR PLUGINS!!!!

I went skating at Bukit Jalil Stadium today! It was epic. Almost lost my track bottoms. Been playing Asphalt 9 on Switch, and it's really good (this is one of the game's MANY epic- sorry, legendary songs.)

I figured out a neat trick I could pull with the chords on the track I'm working on. Gillian offered to buy me a microphone and that was really epic of them. What else? WHAT ELSE? I packed. Finished packing. Yep. Packing. Oh no.

I'm in 4K1 this year.....hmm. I wonder.

Who'll be my new roommate? Will I become the Exco Moral? Will I fail horribly at my BM subjects? (For the first time, that's actually a question, and not a guarantee.) And most importantly, how much ass will I kick at WSC this year?

Tune in next time to find out!

We all feel it. No one. No one escapes pain. So what makes you any different? What makes your pain special, your pain important? Absolutely nothing. Is that bad?

Pain. Many....fight it. We even have painkillers, designed to repress it. Anesthetics, built to prevent it. Safety measures, regulations, et cetera. We hate pain. Why? Why? Why? .......obvious, isn't it? Pain sucks. Yeah, but- no. Pain never does anything good. It never has. You cannot build a person through pain. All you can do is make them more resistant to the pain. That is not character. That is indifference.

Now that we're in L1, Amelia and her crew from L2 don't take the corner table anymore, which leaves it to me and Aifven!

Anyway, unpacking. The first day of Kolej Penjara Pintar Negara! Wahoo!

Also, this is the first time I've actually listened to something by Rihanna on purpose. Guess she just doesn't normally appeal to my tastes? My music taste is fairly broad though so I'm not really surprised. The police sirens and screeching tires are a nice touch too.

Now for what REALLY happened today. Orientation! Got to know- well, meet, I already knew all of them- my new classmates! A couple people from my old class, but the real highlight was getting Savi. Always happy to have him around.

Strap yourself in.

This is the start of something beautiful.

(Ha ha!)

Indeed it is. My self-improvement arc has been going on for a while, but what's just only begun is the self-confidence arc. Did I ever tell you that I spent years of my life without any real confidence? Instead, I just disregarded people and their opinions. I tried to make people not matter to me so I'd feel better and more confident, and in the end, it never really worked. I ended up feeling almost......empty.

Now, I'm finally realizing- more accurately, accepting how.....cool I am. Not that it makes me better than anyone else, but I don't need to be. I just need to be good enough for myself and my grades, and I am! There's far more, like the effort I've put into skating, into music, into improving myself, but......I don't have to list them. I don't need to tell myself what's good about me, because I know what my strengths are. I know what my flaws are, and I don't deserve to beat myself up for them. Not by a long shot.

Isn't it nice to grow as a person?

This morning, there wasn't any briefing or orientation or anything. How nice. Allowed me to watch some BM tuition (an old one that I missed.)

Aside from that, we had this really cool musician come to speak to us. He's deaf in his left ear, and he's visited 141 countries. That makes him the Malaysian who's visited the most countries (and earned him a place in the Malaysian Book of Records!) Oh, and we watched Puss in Boots: The Last Wish. No idea why, but hey, I ain't complaining. Anyway, back to this speaker. Jeshurun Vincent. He shared his experiences with depression, his experiences traveling the globe, and how he found his success.

He also asked us to imagine an animal, and I imagined a snake, and after that, he said that your future partner would have the characteristics of that animal. I looked up the characteristics of a snake (with regards to human personality): analytical, strategic, intelligent, and independent. Yeah, no complaints there.

He shared some great moments and experiences from each country he went to, and I even learnt about countries I never knew existed. Tajikistan? Guyana? Are we on Earth, or in Lord of the Rings?

Anyway, all in all, today's been a very interesting day.

I've listened to it easily 20 times over, and I don't think I'm getting tired of it yet. I love the energy here, it's so.....calming? I dunno.

This morning we had nothing to do except sign that one form to confirm we did indeed collect our books. Nothing happened. Just how I like it.

Today was nice and slow. Again, just how I like it. Woke up at 6:30 am today because I slept at 9pm last night and the Muslims were yelling for SAHUR!!!

Good Friday's coming up.

Meet the second Japanese song in my playlist, and the best song osu! ever introduced me to. Japanese songs have such a different kind of energy and feel to them, and that's in large part because of how much more upbeat their language is compared to English (most of the time). Either way, this was one of my favorite maps in osu!, and it lives on to be one of my favorite songs, to this day. Skating to this is a jam.

Uhhhh.....what else happened today? Went to church. Ate lunch. Oh, confession. Yeah, took confession to replace the penitential service I missed.

Our first class on Mondays is PAI (which means do nothing) and we have double Linear Algebra class, which is something, all right.

Today? I don't care what happened today. Nah, just kidding. Every moment is important. Here's the thing, right? I'm writing this in the morning, before anything happens. Yeah, it's a bit silly. My eyes hurt. I should sleep earlier.

Not as fun as Math class was, though. We played this game where we all listed our favorite foods and the person after had to memorize it. I'm bad at explaining, or just too lazy to write out a proper description, but it was good. Enjoyable. Today, we have triple math class: Maths, directly followed by AP Statistics, directly followed by Add Maths. It's honestly kinda cringe. ...........for most people. For me, the only thing I hate is Stats, and that's just 'cause I personally I think it's a pain in the ass. Hopefully Miss Faizatul can change my mind.

- Mark Charles

We had Physics class today, and for the FOURTH CONSECUTIVE YEAR, we have the pleasure of having Dr. Ain as our Physics teacher. I'm not complaining by any means, she's amazing, but I'm just surprised. Most of our teachers stick with us for 2 years, at most. She's the only teacher we've had since Foundation 1.

Also, I went to the clinic today to meet Dr. Rahman, and got lost for a while. It was pretty funny (and a little scary walking down under-construction hallways) but I found him in the end, and we talked, and everything's good.

Hm? What happened today? Gota new Bio assignment. It's due on like, the 31st. I'll finish it early anyway, though.

Anyway, today I went skating with Aifven (AGAIN!) Yesterday we also went, and he's improved so much. It makes my heart swell with pride.

"Unplugged" was the first album she ever owned physically, Eric Clapton is one of her favorite artists, et cetera, et cetera. If you needed proof of how much my parents influenced me, here it is. In my music taste.

Today? We went to church. I ate a flip ton of crispy chicken bits. That was it. Nothing all too bad or all too good happened today. How nice.

In all seriousness, this is really good, and the fast pace really really contributes to that general feeling of running that this song has, and it never lets it down for one second. It's short, but sweet, and perfect for racing through the scenic landscapes (which look surprisingly good on Switch by the way.)

Either way, today is another uneventful day. Just kidding. Every day with me is an eventful one.

Man, I went skating with Aifven again. It's so.......serene. So different. I feel so proud of him, so proud of myself. Watching him get better at skating is a magical experience.

I set my Google Chrome language to BM, just for the challenge. Also, reading more BM in my daily life should help me get better with it.

Today's my last day of school for the week! Tomorrow I'm going home for Good Friday...

I had some reaaaaalllllly frustrating mishaps with regards to coordinating Good Friday transport. Ugh. I should probably inform Ms Kina about it.

Today is Good Friday and I attended service, and the Way of the Cross (today I learnt Stations of the Cross and Way of the Cross mean the same thing...)

I have to call out the Passion of Christ for making me feel the real guilt. I cried during it. I could feel every word. Every ounce of emotion. I felt perhaps a fraction of Jesus's pain as I shouted "Crucify him!". It helps to illustrate that His death is my fault just as much as anyone else's. It's my sins that He died for. Our sins. All of our sins. He suffered for our faults, our mistakes, MY mistakes. My mistakes. I didn't deserve it. None of us did. But.....that's exactly why He did it. The undeserving. The sinners, and the tax collectors. The hated and the outcast and the downtrodden and the poor and the beaten and the broken and the bruised and the battered and the blemished and the beleaguered. Okay, I went on for no reason there. But the point is the same. I should take the chance. I am here today, alive, instead of burning in hell, because of His sacrifice. I should honor that.

Ah, Marty McFly. The movie version ends around the 1 minute mark, only keeping 1 of the verses, the chorus, and the guitar solo. Marty just goes crazy around the guitar solo and starts trashing the stage like a real rockstar. The he smashes his guitar and the song ends, but this version thankfully continues the whole song, picking up right before Marty goes all out and continuing the rest of the song. We get to hear this classic song, played by the legend himself, Michael J. Fox. They even have a documentary about him (a well deserved one) and I should go watch it sometime.

Either way, today's the day I got back to KPP. I literally go back for Hari Raya in like 5 days though, so I'm not complaining about anything.

Yeah, this was a boring April Fools as far as April Fools' go.

WHAT'S IN THE F**KIN BOX? (drop starts)

This track slaps. No further words needed other than that it's another Asphalt 9 track. This OST is really, really good.

Today........what do I have to say about today? I'm writing this before the day is over, so.....nothing much, yet.

Life is great.

As for my day? Mmmm....nice and slow.

Just how I like it. Except when I go skating. Then it's fast.

Today, I hung out in the library and got interviewed by Welsom for something. Dunno what it was for, but I'm always happy to be on camera.

I FINALLY WENT HOME!

And I lost my phone.

Nothing more said. I'm tired.

The cover of this album used to be my desktop background, and I found this song while playing osu!.

Today? Hm. Today, I finished my work.

Her voice is something, and the guitar is addictive. This was on, uh, Spotify's Time Capsule? Which turns out to be surprisingly good, so expect more from it.

WSC's coming up........

Coming sooner, acftually going back to school.

This band is great, this was also in my Time Capsule, and I can't help but feel like God put it there. Thank you, God.

Today? Today..........Today. Today is a day.

Headache's letting up, my throat's not as bad as yesterday......I'll be fine. Soon.

Uh, turns out the selection for MTPs wasn't today. What else happened today?

Throat is going to get better. I hope. I know. Today, I filled out the SPR form, completed a Stats assignment, and......missed the batch photo........

Back to my day. Woke up, first thing in the morning I washed my clothes. Then I procrastinated on drying them, but whatever. I have to finish WSC. I have to finish SD and my manifesto poster and my Bio lab report and my Moral assignment and my manifesto video and the Bio group assignment.

I've also got to study how vocal mixing works, and I like what this song does with the "Para- (para-) paradise-" being repeated. It's so echoey and ethereal.

Either way, today I watched Edge of Tomorrow. This song plays in the credits, and it was just so good. Almost as good as the movie. An absolutely stellar movie that I'll be honest, had me laughing and almost crying.

Today I attended WSC practice and Lennox presented, which was a massive W. He did Noah's Archaeology (which reminds me that I need to finish more than one and a half topics). Uh oh.

We had virtually no class today, although there's some lame-o MDEC talk for most of the afternoon. Ugh. Also, today is voting day (for the MTPs, not the excos).

There was also.....Chemistry quiz. Except there wasn't. It got cancelled.

Hung up some of my posters today!

My life is directed by Michael Bay.

As for today? We had a Linear Algebra quiz, a JD presentation.........

I'm a little stressed, but we'll be alright. I know that.

Today, I wasjust really really tired. Nothing more to say.

Been working on a new track. Been trying to get my sleep back. No matter. I'll be fine. I'm also going to start studying for my exams from now. I'm sure it'll pay off.

Aside from that, today is Labor Day. No school, hell yeah.

Today, class only started at 10:30am, because the administration was fixing an issue with the water supply.

This song's great, just so.....raw? I love it. Love everything about it.

I was a little out of sync after WSC, but I'm back now. More than back. Better than ever. Always have been. My dreams don't stop.

Today, Mom gave me food. It's pretty damn good food.

Other than that, today was kinda boring. I did manage to sleep early and get back on track, though.

This is such a fast, intense banger. I love it.

Today is completely unrelated to that, though, because one bio quiz and a lot more practice later, I'll have to play piano tomorrow in front of around 600 people. Aah.

Went skating for a nice couple hours today.

Finished up some studying. We'll be alright, I hope.

Went skating with Aifven. Got in some good exam prep. Everything's going........absolutely alright. Not much better than that.

I fell into a drain. It didn't hurt in the moment, but walking's a little annoying. There's like four or five scrapes on my body, but I'll live. I always do.

This is easily the most badass one I can think of. Perfect for locking in and getting stuff done.

This is the last day before exams, isn't it?

Woah. Alright.

Today was BM and Add Maths. Add Maths was easy; BM was tough but passable. Looking for an improvement on my past grades........I hope.

I left my headphones in a class today, found them later. I'm really missing the guys today. Last year, they were all cramming into my room because me and JJ were the only ones with Wi-Fi. Man.

Today was English and Physics. Physics was a bit rough, to be honest. But I'll be fine. I'm always fine.

Maths was easier than I expected, Sejarah was rough around the edges, but I think I'll live.

I have no idea what's up with this song or what it's actually trying to say, but it's really good. Really can't go wrong with Fall Out Boy, hm?

I feel good. Unpacked most of my stuff today.

I........didn't actually do much today, huh? I need to start doing more with my time.

We had this whole Moral bengkel today, and it was pretty educating. I think. I gathered as much as I could, I suppose.

Other than that, we had a blackout in asrama. This song is here because.....well, I always thought it was kind of silly, but listening to more of my Dad's type of music gave me a new appreciation for this kinda stuff. I like it. Makes me feel a little more badass.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good today. Mood is stable, I'm happy, we're all set for a good time.

This song is just Aifven's taste bleeding out through me. There's no other way for me to put it.

Tomorrow is the cross-campus run. I dunno if I'm prepared, but.......I'll live. I know that much.

Feel good-

That's all you need, huh? The way to my heart is paved with crunchy basslines. Today, we had the cross-campus run, and I did amazing!....for myself. I kept up with John for the first 4 kilometers, before asthma caught up to me and I just had to take a break.

Now, when did I first hear this song? Don't remember. But Faith, of all people, suggested I listen to it. I already knew it, of course, but I didn't tell her that. This is a jam, actually. My sister has surprisingly good taste.

I first heard this song in osu!, but outside of that, it's also just a really competent drum'n'bass track. I'm working on one at the moment, actually. I'm a bit confused on what to do about it, but I have a vision.

It's about time that I get my way

My day's pretty good, actually. This song's just really funny.

More.......minggu....sukan....

Man. I'm home. It's good to be home.

Went to church today. Things are so.....good, honestly. I'm flying, like my mother said. I just got to lock in and get my routine back on track.

Today I.......I........I........

man. the second I'm left alone, I just- fall apart, huh? huh? huh? huh? alright. I got this. I got this. get back. fix. put together. I can work. function. live.

Today, Mark Charles put himself back together.

Today I got some results back! Most of them good. Not all of them. Get yourself back together. I know. I'm working on it.

I didn't do anything today.

That's alright.

You could say I've got a good feeling.

Today? Today, I'm back in action.

I should stop being so irresponsible.

Yeah.....I know what to do. I know how to fix this. Just....need to stop.....

Hey....this song is cool, huh? haha- I used to play this game so much as a kid.....

I know that much. Something I've done recently enlightened me. Vices. So many vices. That's what I'm going to war with.

Hey, this song's a classic, huh? Not really, but- you know. I've heard it quite a few times, it's genuinely enjoyable!

- Joe Biden

I- time is leaving me. I need to take hold of it again.

Push. No limits will stop you. Faster. No. Yes. It rings in my head, drags me down and tells me I'll never be fast enough because I won't, because I can't outrun this forever, but- That won't stop me. Faster. I know. I have to be faster. What? Why? Why on earth do I need to go faster? Am I Sonic or something?

............no. But speed makes my nerves light up. It makes my heart spin and my head pump. But my problem doesn't actually have anything to do with skating, save for the fact that it's also speed-related. I just can't work fast enough. I have to be better. Faster. I don't know why, I don't know how, I have to be. I know I have to be. I will make myself faster- no, God will make me faster. Not without my effort, but still. Faster. I have to work faster, move faster, everything faster. Why? Why am I pressuring myself so much?

.......because I have to. If I don't, the second I don't, the second I slow down I will go back, I know for a fact I'll become that pathetic wreck of a person again. But I won't. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. I know. I still do it.

Other than that? Today was....good. I'm making progress.

Hah. Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. Ha. Oh, boy.

I got this. I know I did.

So am I.

I got this. I'm back. Today, for real, for the last time, I'm done. No more of this nonsense.

ok, maybe a few things...

I GOT SO MUCH WORK DONE TODAY! Yeah. We got this. I've been....neglecting my faith a little. God is the wind in my sails. I got this.

I sac'd my rook in chess today. That was fun.

Also, it was a slog, but I finally finished my BM essay. I've got the feeling. It's back. I'm back. God is with me, I'm back. I will never lose this feeling.

....yeah I think I'm really funny, don't I?

I didn't really do anything today?

But that's alright. I got settled in. That's enough. I'm back on the wheel, train, whatever. I've got this. God is with me. We got this.

This song just hits. Dunno what else to say.

I love my life.

We're back.

Life is looking up.

I'm back. I got it. We're on top of this.

I've got work to do, and I'm completing it. I have to run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. I can't stop. Run. Run. Run.

Hah....I got this.

Today wasn't an ideal day. Tomorrow will be. I have God with me. Tomorrow will be.

No more. I......

I can't do this alone, can I?

I'm still a little out of the game, but I know I can do this.

With help.

This is a banger, through and through. Aside from that, it's just...really clean. I like it.

Damn, that's a lot of thinking. Most of my thoughts are taken up by the upcoming exams, though.

This is from Rivals, and damn if it isn't a good time. Today was Moral and Add Math- well, Moral's already over - Add Math hasn't even begun. But....God is with me. I got this, we got this. It's beautiful. My life. My everything.

But.....I'm not good enough. It hurts. I need to get rid of it. That can't be the reason I do things anymore. I need to be better, but....better starts from nothing. Everything, from nothing. It's okay to be nothing. It's okay to be pathetic every once in a while, to......fail. To fall. I have to accept that before I can build. Before I can grow.

The....easiest exam; and surprisingly, not the last. But it's not long more. Not long more until I'm out of this....until Aifven goes to Japan...

That's alright. I'm back.

I got this. Aifven left for Japan yesterday. I already miss him.

Sing your hearts out, sing it loud

Make me happy, make me proud

I'll make you proud. I'll make you proud.

I know I will. Thank you.

I attended the program and I don't regret it. I feel.....better, actually.

Make me sin, watch me drown

Pull me in, down down down-

It's slow, calming......perfect.

...with this band. With this album. With my life.

Slide, baby slide

Do the jump, oh baby

Or something something something!

I actually have no idea what half the lyrics to this song are - it's a good one, nonetheless.

In 2 days, I'm due to go to Bangkok. Uh oh. I'm honestly a little scared.

I don't know if I have anything to say. But I want to say it. I want to be here. I want to talk. Even if no one listens.