welcome to the dark side by Nessa Marie Javier

welcome to the dark side by Nessa Marie Javier https://padlet.com/NessaJavier/aq0xlt471l6i this is the place where i spill out my teenage feelings and cry en-us 2018-04-10 11:15:57 UTC 2024-10-01 22:53:43 UTC hello@padlet.com Creative Journal #1 NessaJavier https://padlet.com/NessaJavier/aq0xlt471l6i/wish/250203966 What I have discovered in myself is how understanding and selfless I am when it comes to the people whom I deeply care for. I choose to ignore my feelings when it comes to them and will always put them first before me. I would not care if they hurt me in anyway. Even if they choose to leave me, I will respect their decision and ignore how much it hurts inside. However, I have also discovered that I am strong willed. Once I make up my mind on something that I want to do, I will do it no matter what circumstance. For instance, I have battled weight loss for many years now. Recently, I have decided to start working out at the gym. Few months later, I have lost 20lbs and I need 20lbs more to go. I am very motivated and stubborn. Therefore, I will no let anyone tell me what to do and how to look like because in the end, I am the one in charge of my body.

In all honestly, I find that my core strength is my stubbornness. If not for it, I would not have been the confident girl that I am today who will do anything to go her way. Stubbornness may have a negative connotation but, if I hadn't been stubborn in all the things that I do, I wouldn't be able to achieve all my greatest achievements that I accomplished.

As for my weakness, I do believe how I can get possessive over people whom I care about. For example, recently I have broken up with my boyfriend. Despite not having feelings for him anymore, I would still get jealous of girls who seem to be close to him. It was hard for me as I didn't want to be that kind of person. My ex and I are still very close friends and I would do anything to keep him beside me and not hurt him in anyway. In order for me to avoid that whole ordeal, I decided to take myself out social media for the mean time and distance myself from him. I did this in order to avoid anymore feelings to develop as it would be a nuisance for the both of us. Fortunately, I was ready to talk to him again after the breakup and we continue as the best friends that we have always been for the past years. That, I think seems to be the remedy to my weakness.

An ability that I acknowledge from myself, is my ability to care for people deeply. Despite my mean demeanour, many have been very grateful to me as I am a caring person to them no matter what situation they are in. I find that ability to be very nice as I can consider myself a good person because of it.

For talents, I have very few actually. I would start off with my drawing skills that I still harvest until today. Then, my singing skills that I have inherited from my Dad. Lastly, my skill to write stories that I can share to anyone. However, I do have one more talent that I choose not to let anyone know about and it is dancing. I have never told my friends and even family that I know how to dance. The only people who have seen me dance are the people at the gym when they walk pass by the studio. And, I still want to keep it private for now as it is something I want to enjoy for myself atleast.

As of lately, I have been practicing drawing more often and as well as my music talent. I have started to draw digitally and i brought back my instruments from Dubai to learn and write songs of my own. That is how I am enriching my talents and qualities as a person.

Finally, being able to use my strengths to my best advantage, I'm not sure of. This is because there are just so many things that I am still uneducated about. Though, I will try to do my best to enhance my everything in order to become a better human being.

]]> 2018-04-10 11:29:17 UTC https://padlet.com/NessaJavier/aq0xlt471l6i/wish/250203966 Creative Journal #2 NessaJavier https://padlet.com/NessaJavier/aq0xlt471l6i/wish/250216528 After reading the articles, I have learned to become better in many aspects in terms of quality, strengths and talents.

For the qualities that I want to hone and improve on. I would love to have the quality to adjust easier. And as for the quality that I want to improve on, it is my quality of being confident. I have been through some body issues in the past and recently I have been feeling more confident to show off my body in revealing clothing as I learned to love myself more than what I used to.

The activity is very interesting to me. It motivates me to write down what I seek to achieve and improve. I find myself wondering what other hidden qualities and strengths I might have. It keeps me thinking and it makes me realize many things one after another. In my opinion, it motivates my drive to become better although I cannot fully express myself here as this is not exactly my personal journal that I keep beside my bed. ]]> 2018-04-10 12:07:19 UTC https://padlet.com/NessaJavier/aq0xlt471l6i/wish/250216528 Creative Journal #3 NessaJavier https://padlet.com/NessaJavier/aq0xlt471l6i/wish/250237024

The Confrontation - All that have happened in the past year of my middle adolescence and late adolescence weren’t relatively the smallest. During those times, my friends and I were at our peak of friendship. We learned the difference of a loving relationship and that of a toxic one. If it weren’t for the confrontation we wouldn’t have been the people we knew today. I wouldn’t be the Nessa that I was born to be. I would’ve been her minion; trying to mold myself into the perfect being she wanted all of us to be. But I am grateful; if not for that fateful day, we wouldn’t have been able to live our lives the way we wanted it to be.

The Comforting - I have been through a tough patch because of academics. It has come to the point of evil thoughts. My previous school only cared for us to get the top score in order to keep their reputation of being the most well-known English school. It drove us students insane. Every day was hell, every day we digged our heads in those big useless books that we needed to memorize for the damned mock and board exams. Every corridor I passed were filled of students weeping and blaming themselves for not being smart enough. Every hand I shook; millions of blades have slayed those smooth young skin. Every eye I met were swollen and red. Some, restless and sleepless from the nights we’d spend studying for an exam that would determine our future. However, despite the sorrow we’ve all been, we were a community trying to help each other out. I remember I was jealousy driven whenever I’d see someone with a higher grade than me; even my own friends. I dreaded it to the point where I would call myself stupid for forgetting that one formula. I assumed myself academically struggled as I saw myself as below average, maybe even lower. But one day, I met him. The only student from my batch to not care about scores and whatnot. I wanted to be like him and so I did. He became my safety. He helped me survive the last years of high school by showing me what fun looked like. What it felt like to be free. What it felt like to be young. Ever since then, I didn’t care. I would choose my mental health over formulas that I won’t need one day. So, I am grateful to have met him and loved him.

The talk - During the times I was suicidal, my mom didn’t understand what it felt like to be in my position. I told myself it was pointless telling her what I felt. She won’t get it. She doesn’t understand the tremendous difference of the standards of a British school compared to the schools she has studied in The Philippines. I wanted to seek out help. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. According to my own mother, everything was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I be the perfect daughter she dreamt of. I blamed myself day after day. But despite all the flaws I carried, she loved me whole heartedly. I hated myself for constantly making her cry. It was awful. I just wanted to make her proud. I wanted to make her smile. Why couldn’t I? But there she was again, ready to take me into her arms at any given moment. When I thought she wouldn’t listen to the dark thoughts I had, she did. She listened to me from ear to ear. She cried when I cried. She held my hands and said, “If you kill yourself, the life I live now will be useless.” I was her life. I was the reason she has been fighting for so long to survive. Being a single mother, she did everything to protect me. But I tell her I wanted to kill myself just because of mere numbers that are marked red on paper. That is why I am grateful for my mother. For supporting me, for feeding me, for loving me, for living for me.

The Bond - After all toxins have dissolved, my friends and I grew stronger together. Despite our distance now that we live countries away from each other, we are still friends. No. We are family. I would be very broken without them. My sisters, my siblings. They are my everything. As I have moved on to a new life in The Philippines; I have sworn to myself to let the past go. However, they are the people that one cannot let go. I have learned to be myself and learned to love myself through their words. They support me in my lowest and highest. They have gone through the pain that I went through. They know every crevis of my whole being. Though we are further now, I strongly believe that we have become closer, not as friends, but as family. I am grateful they are here for me no matter where I go.

The Boy - To the boy whom I met in my worst, thank you. You have taught me so many things in the past years we have been together. You have taught me to love myself and my body for what it is. You are my inspiration in everything that I did. You have helped me live a little and have comforted me when I needed it. Your words meant so much to me and it still will. I will never forget the memories that we have built through the times we were together. I will not forget those shaky eyes that looked at me as if I was their whole world. I will not forget how you called me special even though I wasn’t. I will not forget the first time you said ‘I love you’ when I couldn’t even properly love you back. You have given me so much hope and made me look forward to the future that I used to dread. Because of you, I am a better person. You helped me forget the pain that I went through. Though the distance beat through our relationship, I am happy to still have you as a friend. Though our feelings have died down and we are no longer what they call a couple, I am still grateful for every experience you gave me. I want you to know that I will care for you forever. I thank you for always being there for me even during the point of our relationship where we no longer see each other as lovers, but as friends. Thank you for being patient with me whenever I would be childish and selfish. Thank you for breaking up with me, knowing I was a coward to do it first. Thank you for understanding me when I told you I didn’t want to talk to you until I was ready to accept the reality of us. Thank you for accepting me into your life even though we both knew that it wouldn’t last until the end. Thank you for being the stronger one. Thank you for being my first love and my first boyfriend. I am grateful for you.

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