I didn’t want to message you directly — partly because I’m ashamed. Ashamed of how things ended, and of all the what ifs that still echo in my head. What if I didn’t let go? What if I just stayed? The regrets have been eating me up, Barb.

You’re a wonderful person, and I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re no longer anxious when you have to preach. I hope you’re not breaking down during those random midnight overthinking sessions — especially the ones that feel scheduled. Please dili na mag-bilar, Barb. Hahaha!

Also, I still hope you’ll try mayo one day — joke lang, I know you’d rather run away than eat it because of its taste and smell. Hahaha! I miss those kinds of conversations — your random chikas that would go on and on, and how I found you beautiful while you were just being you. The way you light up when you’re sharing stories — I miss that, honestly. I miss you, Barb.

There were so many times, really, when I almost messaged you. Not because I wanted to make things complicated, but because I just wanted to rant about my day, like before. When you were that safe space. When we could just be.

There were days when everything felt too heavy, and all I could think of was how nice it would be if I could just message you — not to fix anything, but just to have someone who gets it. Someone who knows how I overthink or how I spiral. That someone used to be you.

Our conversations may have been full of kalokohan and random topics, but deep down, they were the kind of talks that made me feel seen. Like I could finally breathe. I didn’t realize how rare that was until it was gone.

Sometimes, letting go isn’t the bravest thing — sometimes, it’s what cowards do when they’re scared to fight for something real. Maybe I was a coward then. Maybe I still am. But I hope you know I cared. I still do, in my own quiet way.

I remember the Barb who loves pink, the one who had the same octopus plushie (pink!) as me on the study table — hahaha, that was so random and cute. And the Barb who reminds me of Baguio for some reason — peaceful, cool, but also bittersweet.

I don’t even know why I’m saying all this here, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I’m thankful. Truly. For the months we talked. We once said how rare it is to connect with someone — and I’m glad I got to connect with you, even just for a while. Maybe those apps aren't just for fun after all. It was also intended for meeting someone and creating beautiful connections just like ours before, Barb.

I’m sorry for everything. And I sincerely pray for your happiness and success. I hope you’ll still pursue MD — I still remember how your eyes sparkled when you talked about it before. See you in med school? Maybe? Hahaha.

Happiest birthday, Barb. 🩷

Happiest birthday to my "The One that Got Away".

PS: way karapatan mgrelapse ang nang ghost ha HAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CHARING

Stay happy and palihog na kog hard launch sa lovelife kay maka intriga. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Chr.

I’ll never forget the time you listened when I felt like no one else would. You didn’t have to, but you did. And that meant everything. Happy Birthday, Shan. You don’t just exist, you heal, you comfort, and you love in ways that are rare. Never stop being you. Praise God for your existence.

Remember atung wala koy pambayad tuition and dli ko ka exam, gi open nimu imuhang alkansiya for me. Grabe, during that time, I realized jd how beautiful you are as a person. inside and out jd. salamat kaayu, shan. kabalo ko dghan pa pud kay ntabangan. buotan kaayu ka.

happy birthday. love you, shan!

PS: AYAW KO SUNGOGA ANI. USAHAY RKO SERYOSO HA.

Your strength, your faith, your calm voice during my flare-ups, and your gentle reminders that ‘I’ll get through this too’—those are the things that gave me hope on the hardest days. You inspire me not just because you’re surviving this illness, but because you’re living with so much grace, softness, and love even through pain.

You are my safe space and quiet hero. I hope this birthday brings you as much light as you’ve given me in the darkest times. I love you, Ate. Thank you for being you.

Happiest birthday, Shan. The world is beautiful because of people like you.

I can still clearly remember the time I messaged you privately during our first year in nursing. I was shy, but I gathered the courage to ask if I could download your reviewers. You said yes without hesitation, and those helped me so much in surviving our subjects during that time. That small act of kindness meant a lot to me.

During our second year, I would often smile at you whenever I saw you. Your presence was always so light and comforting, like a soft breeze on a stressful day. Murag ikaw tong tao nga wala ko kabalo nga kinahanglan diay nako.

Then came our third year, and finally—CLASSMATES NA TA! That moment made me genuinely happy because I knew I’d be surrounded by someone supportive, generous, and funny. Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve passed third year without you by my side.

Your shared links, your helpful reviewers, the way you patiently taught me during difficult lessons, your pambadlong kay saba ra kaayo ko all of those helped me grow and survive. I know there were times na sabaan na jud ka sa akoa, pero ako pud sabaan sa akoa self HAHAHAHAH. Lisod kaayo i-close akoa mouth especially when I start talking about chika. Pero thank you, thank you for understanding and accepting me for who I really am, without judgment, and without making me feel less.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for being strong and continuing to move forward with life, even when you had to go through things on your own. I won’t mention the details kay nakapublic diay ni, but please know that I see your strength, and I admire it deeply.

You may not always ask for support or a shoulder to lean on, but always remember, we are here for you. No matter what, you are never alone.

Happy Birthday to one of the strongest and most genuine people I know, our greatest soldier. I love you, I’m proud of you, and I miss you always.

I had a visit to Doc just yesterday, and as a newly diagnosed girlie with SLE, she asked me, "what is your goal? so I can help you with it." Did she ask that with you as well? But you know what my answer is? I told her, "I want to be strong like Ate Shan, doc." Then, she instantly remembered you. She talked about your journey and how inspiring it is. And I agree, ate. You are so strong. Imagine battling Lupus since highschool yet still slaying in class and now, a nearly registered nurse already?

Anyway, nasobraan ra akong chikka. Hahaha. So yun nga, nagkachikka mi ni doc about you.

Thank you for being that inspiration, ate. Thank you for uplifting me when I know even you are in pain. Your "I'm always here" always got me every single time that I want to cry. I have no ate by blood but with you, it seemed like God blessed me with an "ate by heart."

I love you soooooo much.

-fave tita

Through the years, you’ve always been just one call away. Never ka ga hesitate to share your wisdom sa mga panahong gakalisod kog sabot sa lessons or lend a helping hand. Niabot kos point nga mangutang kog load sauna para lang magpadayon among convo ni crush. Nabayran na man to no? HAHAHAHA 😭 dai imo pako gipahulam saimong keypad, graaabe!! Isa kang alamat!!!

Daii, I’m genuinely proud sa tanan na imo na achieve. I’ve seen your growth, and I’m praying for more blessings and success sa imong journey. I know the journey ahead won’t always be easy. I believe in you dai with all my heart. You’ve already come so far with so much strength and courage, and I have no doubt you’ll continue to rise. Naa rami, ako, na mag support saimo, you are not alone daii. I'll pray for you jood, our future Doktora. Basta daii, ayaw lang gyod kaayo pa stress haaa, alagaan ang sarili. Step by the step rajod ta dai, mu sakses jod taaa!

Love you daaaai 🫀Happy birthdaaaay 🥳Sana all sa love lifeeeee, yan ang when 🙂‍↔️

so muchie shann!! pm ra nako akong msg kay HAHHAHAHAHAHA hmmmm