Revision: Argumentative Essay # 1 by Maryann Aviles

2024-09-25 17:27:58 UTC

I was a lot clearer in my essay, I could have been clearer and have explained myself a lot more.

2024-09-25 17:28:29 UTC

I had unique evidence that completely supported my thesis. I also did a better job at connecting my sentences.

What I did well on

2024-09-25 17:28:31 UTC

I did well on closing out the essay. I was also well organized.

2024-09-25 17:28:33 UTC

I believe I did well in stating my thesis. I also think I did well in not using the word "you".

2024-09-25 17:28:57 UTC

I believe I did well in organizing my essay and the conclusion. I did well in choosing evidence.

2024-09-25 17:29:08 UTC

I managed to provide sufficient evidence and utilize professional diction—avoiding the usage of terms such as "you" and rhetorical questions.

What I did well.

2024-09-25 17:29:14 UTC

I did well with the thesis, as well as my evidence. My evidence was clear and straightforward. My body paragraphs were good.

2024-09-25 17:29:31 UTC

I did well on ending my essay I just needed to be more concise.

2024-09-25 17:29:37 UTC

I believe I was clear on my thesis and had specific evidence for each of my claims. I didn't use "you" or ask a question.

2024-09-25 17:29:38 UTC

I was clear in the my thesis that I wrote

I did pretty well on my word choices on my paragraphs but I could of used different words and more better words to start my paragraphs

2024-09-25 17:29:40 UTC

2024-09-25 17:29:50 UTC

In my essay I did well in providing good specific evidence that proved my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:29:51 UTC

My argument was generally good and I was able to support what I was arguing.

2024-09-25 17:29:59 UTC

I used history in my entire essay relating back to the first revolutions in the world but I also added Martin Luther king into my essay.

2024-09-25 17:30:07 UTC

I did well at my thesis and parts of my evidence.

2024-09-25 17:30:25 UTC

I did well in giving my evidence but I believe I could given more context.

2024-09-25 17:30:26 UTC

I did well on my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:30:28 UTC

I did well in my introduction with introducing the topics and the thesis itself. The argument itself was good as well.

2024-09-25 17:30:41 UTC

I was able to establish a clear thesis and connect by evidence to it in logical ways.

2024-09-25 17:31:03 UTC

I improved on my commentary and avoided being repetitive on it. My conclusion was good as well.

2024-09-25 17:31:04 UTC

Something I did well was write a good, clear thesis and have some good sources where it could be connected to my thesis.

Evidence

2024-09-25 17:31:08 UTC

I used the Decleration of Independnece, Lex Luther and Hitler in my essay

2024-09-25 17:31:12 UTC

Couldn't say nothing really on my paper.

2024-09-25 17:31:20 UTC

Clear thesis and better grammar.

2024-09-25 17:31:29 UTC

I did well in my thesis and fairly well in my conclusion, aside from going more in depth on how its relevant in the world aside from one's personal life

2024-09-25 17:31:32 UTC

I used both animated movies and movies based on real events, which I connected to history.

2024-09-25 17:31:41 UTC

I incorporated solely literary evidence in my essay, most namely the novels assigned and read throughout high school such as Fahrenheit 451 and Ender's Game.

What I did well.

2024-09-25 17:31:47 UTC

I managed to write a sensical essay with clear evidence. I also utilized proper word choices and avoided using the word "you."

2024-09-25 17:31:52 UTC

I used Disney movies and the experiences of the Soviet Union.

2024-09-25 17:31:53 UTC

I used social media as my evidence, on celebrities and how we never know if their actions are genuine or not. Gilmore Girls and The Hunger Games.

2024-09-25 17:31:55 UTC

I did well writing my thesis and using my evidence to support my thesis.

I used movies like fast and furious and toystory in my entire essay as my evidence to support my claim

2024-09-25 17:31:58 UTC

2024-09-25 17:31:59 UTC

Myself, the movie "Rocky", and the song Walking by Denzel Curry

2024-09-25 17:32:00 UTC

I got my argument across and it was clear and had a great closing

2024-09-25 17:32:00 UTC

I incorporated political evidence. I used Trump and Biden as an example to show evidences for my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:32:06 UTC

sports figures and a astronaut.

2024-09-25 17:32:15 UTC

My thesis was well written. I also presented my evidence well.

2024-09-25 17:32:17 UTC

I used both the economy and politics.

2024-09-25 17:32:19 UTC

I used movies as well as material I learned in psychology and used experiments to prove my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:32:21 UTC

I incorporated texts by Elie Wiesel, and Trevor Noah.

2024-09-25 17:32:26 UTC

I used evidence of the significance of history and education through Fahrenheit 451 and the Book Thief, as well as the Enlightenment ideals used in the declaration of Independence.

Evidence I incoporated

2024-09-25 17:32:27 UTC

I used popular events that have happened between the people I chose that has shaped the world.

2024-09-25 17:32:28 UTC

I did well in writing a thesis and incorporating enough evidence. I avoided the use of questions and the word "you," and ensured that I had transition words from each paragraph to the next.

2024-09-25 17:32:29 UTC

Books, a movie, and documentary.

2024-09-25 17:32:37 UTC

I incorporated characters from movies and also a celebrity to show that it is beneficial in the real world.

2024-09-25 17:32:42 UTC

I used the "I have a dream" speech by Martin Luther King, a speech given by Patrick Henry, and a movie named Hidden Figures.

2024-09-25 17:32:45 UTC

I did well on explaining my thesis and connecting evidence with my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:32:58 UTC

I used the movie Night School, Magnet and CTE Schools, and Courses that apply education in real world situations.

Evidence incorporated

2024-09-25 17:33:16 UTC

I used examples such as Martin Luther King Jr.'s, "I have a dream" speech, the social media platform, X, and Pablo Picasso's painting, Guernica (1937).

2024-09-25 17:33:41 UTC

I could've connected my evidence to todays world, and not be repetitive

2024-09-25 17:33:41 UTC

my evidence originated from social media from youtube and Twitter such as posts and videos

2024-09-25 17:33:46 UTC

I should of used more modern examples of education as I only used the effects of education in the past tense.I think that if I used information from todays education my essay would be more well rounded and clear.

2024-09-25 17:33:47 UTC

I could have possibly clarified my evidence a bit more, and avoided repeating sentences.

2024-09-25 17:33:48 UTC

I tried using personal experiences as an example.

2024-09-25 17:33:49 UTC

I used characters from shows I watched to show examples

Evidence

2024-09-25 17:33:50 UTC

I used the movies Legally Blonde and The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and the book Fahrenheit 451 to support my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:34:08 UTC

Examples I could have utilized to strengthen my argument would be articles or biographies in which an author recounts their personal experiences. By doing so, I could have provided more emotional aspects for my essay.

What I could have added

2024-09-25 17:34:15 UTC

I could have added more commentary to my essay. In addition to adding more specific relevant evidence.

2024-09-25 17:34:16 UTC

I incorporated evidence such as religion, movies, and the American Revolution into my essay.

2024-09-25 17:34:20 UTC

Not been as repetitive and just writing better in general.

2024-09-25 17:34:35 UTC

I should have been more concise with my argument instead of repetitive, also I should have been more calmer I panicked halfway through the essay.

2024-09-25 17:34:36 UTC

I incorporate history using the American revolution, Martic Luther king jr, and Hitler to support my thesis

2024-09-25 17:34:46 UTC

I could have tried to focus on something in different areas rather just the U.S and list some more evidance

2024-09-25 17:34:47 UTC

I could have added the actions and lives of important people in history to show factual examples that have happened in our history.

2024-09-25 17:34:48 UTC

I could have presented my argument without hesitation, with evidence that could have correlated more with one another, and add more connections from such evidence.

2024-09-25 17:34:49 UTC

Something that could've helped my argument is an example of how people in history have reacted to the freedom of speech such as it being taken away or being given to them to support my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:34:52 UTC

I believe I would have more well-rounded my argument by giving another example and stating more useful and convincing examples. I believe I could have also avoided repeating myself in the essay.

2024-09-25 17:35:01 UTC

I could have looked for evidence at home instead of using evidence at the top of my head to give me more variety and diversity.

2024-09-25 17:35:01 UTC

I could have used more real life events and more modern evidence. I also could've spoken more consciously and been more specific.

2024-09-25 17:35:06 UTC

I could've well rounded my argument by adding events that have happened in the past years and what is happening in the world today. Also, to stop repeating myself and have my evidence be clear.

2024-09-25 17:35:06 UTC

I could've included a paragraph about counter arguments and concession refutation in order to further validate my argument, as well as be more concise with my commentary.

2024-09-25 17:35:11 UTC

I got my evidence from movies and series I have previously watched.

2024-09-25 17:35:12 UTC

I could of been more well rounded argument if I used more sources and got better evidence towards my claim to support it and not be repetitive on my commentary and connected more with life's challenges and etc

2024-09-25 17:35:20 UTC

I used TV shows and movies I have watched and history that I've learned about.

2024-09-25 17:35:27 UTC

I should have done a more deep search for my evidence.

2024-09-25 17:35:34 UTC

I could've shown why the evidence I presented mattered to the claim better. Some more research on the topic before hand could have helped out a lot too.

2024-09-25 17:35:36 UTC

I used examples and songs from the artist logic and some experiences from my life.

2024-09-25 17:35:43 UTC

I could have used examples of more real world character events instead of fictional characters to better my argument. To add additional evidence it can be beneficial to anyone not just fake people.

2024-09-25 17:35:53 UTC

I could have been clearer and more specific when it came to some of my examples, and I also could have tied and connected my examples clearer to my claim. Not only that, but I should have used examples that worked together in my second to last paragraph.

2024-09-25 17:36:00 UTC

I struggled with repeating myself, so I can work on that to be more well-rounded. I could have also used more modern examples

2024-09-25 17:36:32 UTC

I could've been more general with my topic and discuss not only education in terms of literature and history, but also discuss education in terms of a more scientific perspective, and dive into this topic for one of my paragraphs rather than repeat myself again.

2024-09-25 17:36:39 UTC

I could have incorporated more historical and modern evidence, and added more commentary, I could have been more specific.

What I could improve on

2024-09-25 17:37:02 UTC

I could've better connected my evidence to different perspectives in the modern world and not be so repetitive in explaining the examples.

2024-09-25 17:37:12 UTC

In order to make my argument more well-rounded I could have been less repetitive and gone more in depth in my commentary.

2024-09-25 17:37:56 UTC

Not Repeating myself with the words used within the commentary. While also thinking through what I said with a different perspective to get more than one perspective on the matter that is being argued.

2024-09-25 17:38:22 UTC

I should of commented on the effect of my evidence and comment on how it effected the world and people in today's life

2024-09-25 17:39:04 UTC

I could've done better by better explaining my evidence why I made the connection to my thesis, stating why it's important, and not be repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:39:43 UTC

I need to improve on not repeating myself and also not restating evidence in my commentary.

2024-09-25 17:39:48 UTC

I could have made a better and clearer thesis but I felt there needed to be more fictional examples to prove my claim.

2024-09-25 17:39:57 UTC

I connected the Declaration of Independence to how people live today.

2024-09-25 17:39:58 UTC

the result of my evidence could make people possible think about what they are saying and how it effects others.

2024-09-25 17:40:15 UTC

I have to not repeat myself and just get better commentary in general.

2024-09-25 17:40:27 UTC

Something that could have been better was how the evidence had an effect or how it has helped society by changing history and what was the benefits or negative aspects of it but not being repetitive, so bringing a new idea to the evidence every time it is mentioned.

2024-09-25 17:40:38 UTC

I could've put that many people are fooled by the content that many celebrities post, setting a false standard of their kindness. As well as adding more commentary as that was something I lacked in my essay.

2024-09-25 17:40:47 UTC

I believe if I would have commented on how crutel society is and stated another tragic event that happened it would have helped with supporting my evidence as well.

2024-09-25 17:41:01 UTC

The result of my evidence could have been better if I was more specific and elaborated on it clearer.

2024-09-25 17:41:01 UTC

I needed to stop repeating myself and actually comment because thats a huge problem I noticed just now throughout my essay, I also should have explained why it matters and used more real life examples.

2024-09-25 17:41:04 UTC

my evidence gave the reader my view of the reader an understanding of the history and effects of education

2024-09-25 17:41:11 UTC

I should have connected with my examples, and kept on going with my commentary, I should have elaborated more.

2024-09-25 17:41:21 UTC

I should have commented on my evidence of how it affected past events and today's world.

2024-09-25 17:41:30 UTC

The result of my evidence was my commentary not following up on my evidence

2024-09-25 17:41:32 UTC

The evidence could have been elaborated on better to explain how one can relate to said piece of evidence.

2024-09-25 17:41:32 UTC

The result of my evidence is that I could have not repeated my words, and added more commentary.

2024-09-25 17:41:33 UTC

I should have connected my comments better and added the effects it had.

2024-09-25 17:41:35 UTC

My evidence was clear but my commentary on why it was important wasn't, I kept repeating myself and didn't keep going to strengthen my elaboration. I should have connected with my examples more and show why it was crucial.

2024-09-25 17:41:36 UTC

I could’ve commented on my modern evidence by stating how it is relevant to both the past and the present. I could’ve commented on my historical evidence by pointing out the effects of the events and how it impacts humanity now.

2024-09-25 17:41:48 UTC

Stop being repetitive, and further elaborate effects during the part of commentary rather than before. To not continue on one sole piece of evidence and commentary but push myself to continue with other examples.

2024-09-25 17:41:48 UTC

My evidence pieces about the importance of history don't actually reflect to much in the present day, as a lot of the lessons taught in my examples are lost in some aspects of our society. My example of Fahrenheit 451 in the story doesn't actually show of if the preservation of history ever worked in the end, and in real life the lessons of the book aren't practiced that much as we constantly don't learn from our mistakes in history as a whole. These points could've been brought up in a counter argument, in which I would've had to make a paragraph in order to refute against counter points like such.

2024-09-25 17:42:18 UTC

If I commented more clearly on how it is up to oneself to set self-expectations, and the consequences on not setting them

2024-09-25 17:42:19 UTC

I could pay more attention to understand the messages and the character's thoughts that shows and movies are trying to convey, I could also learn more about details in history that I'm not taught in school. Understanding my evidence helps me convey them and argue more effectively.

2024-09-25 17:42:24 UTC

My evidence teaches about the different pathways of being successful. However, I missed detailed commentary on one of my evidence pieces.

2024-09-25 17:43:59 UTC

The results were that I needed to better connect my evidence, state the importance of my evidence to my thesis and not be repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:44:18 UTC

Something that I tend to do is restate my claim through my commentary I have a general idea of what I want to comment on but it just results back into restating my claim or sometimes even my evidence.

2024-09-25 17:45:05 UTC

Another result of my commentary was me connecting the Declaration of Independence to what humans study in today's world. However, I need to stop being repetitive in my commentary

2024-09-25 17:45:38 UTC

Since I had repetition, people could've seen the same point demonstrated continuously within the commentary.

Commentary

2024-09-25 17:46:03 UTC

I could've improved my essay by commenting on how the freedom of speech has changed over time and has impacted the world. I should've included a historical example to explain people's opinions on different topics.

2024-09-25 17:46:09 UTC

I could have added another sentence to a vague piece of commentary.

2024-09-25 17:46:09 UTC

My pieces of evidence are generally important because they all show the impact that helping others has on the people who are helped. They show that helping others has always had a positive impact, from historical events to modern day.

2024-09-25 17:46:12 UTC

The evidence could have been better if there was something from the present and the future to be able to connect them and show the differences on how people use the freedom of speech to make a change on society to bring up a new point that would not be repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:46:22 UTC

What I lacked in my commentary was elaboration on how my evidence correlated with effects on society. I also lacked clarity as handfuls of my sentences contained odd phrasing, repetition, and run-ons.

2024-09-25 17:46:32 UTC

I believe if i would have commented more on how freedom of speech does good in society and if I would've talked about the positive things that freedom of speech brings us I would have supported my evidence better.

2024-09-25 17:46:33 UTC

My results of my evidence I should have provided how my evidence resulted in different examples and provided how my evidence affected people and lives and other things

2024-09-25 17:46:41 UTC

my commentary also resulted in the use of Martin Luther king Wich was the only modern use of evidence that I used for a modern example.

2024-09-25 17:46:41 UTC

The result of the evidence could have been interpreted by the reader as something they may relate to in their lives as they try and motivate and stride for their goals.

2024-09-25 17:46:46 UTC

Another result was that being repetitive loosely had me using an example I had already used before.

2024-09-25 17:46:59 UTC

The results were that I got lost in the topic i'm speaking on and my commentary becomes wordy, overwhelming and unnecessary.

2024-09-25 17:47:03 UTC

An additional result could be to use different words than the ones that I used.

2024-09-25 17:47:07 UTC

I need to stop being repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:47:21 UTC

I should have added more evidence, and elaborated more on my commentary, explaining why it is important.

2024-09-25 17:47:31 UTC

Because it relates to the importance of people having the right to speak freely.

2024-09-25 17:47:35 UTC

My evidence is important to demonstrate ways that many people can utilize education to their advantage.

2024-09-25 17:47:44 UTC

At the end of my essay, I overgeneralized society. Repeating claims also.

2024-09-25 17:47:53 UTC

I could have related my commentary better to the modern world, such as how people can protest and have the power to speak up for what they believe in.

2024-09-25 17:47:56 UTC

My evidence was important because it was able to backup my thesis by showing how the people used their voice to make some sort of a difference but also it was somewhat repetitive so there could have some different parts of my evidence that could have been used to connect to the thesis.

2024-09-25 17:47:56 UTC

my evidence was important because it allows for the reader to see my view point on my topic.

2024-09-25 17:48:16 UTC

My evidence and commentary would have been stronger if I had not been as repetitive with my words and sentences.

2024-09-25 17:48:17 UTC

My evidence with the impact of Enlightenment ideals on the Declaration of Independence showed how education was able to inspire the Founders of the nation to declare independence from Britain and create an overall better world, though at the same time these ideas are much less significant in the present day. A lot of the ideas of the Enlightenment aren't as cared about by the modern government, which could leave my evidence open to a counter-argument which I should've made a response to.

2024-09-25 17:48:37 UTC

My evidence is generally important because it helps support my argument. By stating evidence I was able to proof what I was arguing about.

2024-09-25 17:48:44 UTC

The evidence I presented was written to present ways one can think about reaching their goals more efficiently

2024-09-25 17:48:46 UTC

I should have tied my evidence to the claim clearer, as well as being more detailed, but I felt as though I did well in choosing evidence and examples from different media.

2024-09-25 17:48:46 UTC

I could have used unique or common translation words, because of how I missed a bunch of those words while writing my paragraphs felt very separated and loosely combined.

2024-09-25 17:48:53 UTC

Certain novels I used were disconnected from and deficient in connections to the real world. In order to maintain relevancy, I could have presented evidence that described past and present events rather than fictional ones.

2024-09-25 17:48:57 UTC

My evidence is important generally because it shows the dangers of racism, and what people with power could to to either help fix or further destroy it.

2024-09-25 17:49:19 UTC

Although I never really reached the surface on what was I going to mention within my second body paragraph. I'm aware I would have done the same thing which is to repeat myself and never fully get to the point, over-analyze the evidence and what should be remarked in my commentary.

2024-09-25 17:49:19 UTC

My evidence is generally important because it shows how helping others is for the greater good and also helps support the claim.

2024-09-25 17:49:30 UTC

my evidence was important because it is all true weather people like it or not words hurt and some people don't understand that. Most of the time for many they are just harmless jokes but to others it could be very fatal to ones mentality.

2024-09-25 17:49:35 UTC

My evidence comments on the results of self-expectations. Whether you succeed or not, mindset is grown

2024-09-25 17:49:36 UTC

I should have not repeated myself and be more specific on commentary.

2024-09-25 17:49:50 UTC

I can replace metaphors I used and I could have chosen a better choice of transition words.

2024-09-25 17:49:55 UTC

The evidence I used is generally important because it utilizes both the extreme cases of what could happen if education is lost, as well as real world examples of the great impact education can have for the betterment of society as a whole, as well as the impact education can have on the individual in helping people find purpose in life.

2024-09-25 17:49:56 UTC

After revising at the end of the essay, I did add stronger verbs and transitional phrases.

2024-09-25 17:49:57 UTC

My evidence is generally important as they provide examples as to how we, as humans, have been affected by the claim as it takes examples from different time periods.

2024-09-25 17:49:59 UTC

Some word choices that could have been used it some transition words like to connect my commentary to the evidence or to bring up a new topic as well as using some strong verbs or not writing words that seem repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:50:00 UTC

My evidence is important because it allows the reader to know what my points are and why I think my claim is right and topic.

2024-09-25 17:50:03 UTC

I didn't use strong words and didn't talk more about my thoughts which could put more weight into my commentary and help convey it better.

2024-09-25 17:50:08 UTC

Im realizing now I should have gotten more better sources instead of using mostly fictional examples.

2024-09-25 17:50:28 UTC

I lacked good transitions in my body paragraphs, as well as strong verbs

2024-09-25 17:50:29 UTC

Stronger word choices I could have used would to be avoid repetition, in addition to changing the type of words that I used.

2024-09-25 17:50:29 UTC

I believe if I used more transition words with a stronger more unique vocabulary, my essay would be a little more professional.

2024-09-25 17:50:37 UTC

My evidence was generally important because it allows one to differentiate between selfish and selfless actions, and the motives of why someone does what they do (personal image, their own feelings,popularity, etc).

2024-09-25 17:50:39 UTC

My evidence is important, because it demonstrates the need of education, and the benefits it comes with it.

2024-09-25 17:50:45 UTC

I could have used vocabulary that was different rather than using the most common word and used more metaphors to express people feelings and other things.

2024-09-25 17:50:46 UTC

The wording could have had stronger verbs and smoother transitions.

2024-09-25 17:50:56 UTC

its important because it answers the main prompt.

2024-09-25 17:50:58 UTC

My evidence is important because it shows how expectations and self ideals can make or break somebody horribly depending if they are not careful or not or balanced with how they view themselves or balance these ideals and expectations.

2024-09-25 17:51:00 UTC

My commentary gave a general idea of how unrealistic expectations can affect a person's work ethic.

2024-09-25 17:51:05 UTC

first, education has many....

2024-09-25 17:51:10 UTC

My evidence is generally important because it supports the thesis or the idea that people have the right to speak freely.

2024-09-25 17:51:16 UTC

My pieces of evidence are important because they are meant to structure my essay and what i'm going to write about.

2024-09-25 17:51:20 UTC

I could have added strong verbs.

2024-09-25 17:51:21 UTC

I could have used more sophisticated words and used better transition words. I also could have used different phrasing to avoid repetitiveness.

2024-09-25 17:51:23 UTC

I could’ve used more specific words like “fulfillment” and “advance”. I also could have utilized more transition words.

2024-09-25 17:51:23 UTC

The only thing many would say I really needed would be better transition words ONLY in-between paragraphs because I do place fun words throughout the rest of the paragraph

2024-09-25 17:51:30 UTC

The result is a mixed point that would've left people stuck up with what the point actually was.

2024-09-25 17:51:32 UTC

"..efforts being put in place in order to.."

2024-09-25 17:51:38 UTC

Stronger word choices that I could've used better transition words, so that when one reads the paragraph it's not separated and so it can also make sense.

2024-09-25 17:51:38 UTC

My evidence is important because it demonstrates that throughout history people have fought for their freedom of speech when it's taken away, one way or another.

2024-09-25 17:51:45 UTC

Foremost, Martin Luther King Jr wanted...

2024-09-25 17:51:50 UTC

The result of my evidence was the use of a celebrity who had to change the way they view themselves to better their relationship with the people around and their own mental state that connected with the world today.

2024-09-25 17:51:51 UTC

i could've used more complex words that had the chance to be included.

2024-09-25 17:51:57 UTC

I could have added stronger transitional words.

2024-09-25 17:52:09 UTC

secondly , since the earliest of time to ...

2024-09-25 17:52:15 UTC

My evidence allowed me to support my thesis. However, I did not do my commentary well.

2024-09-25 17:52:21 UTC

I should have used more stronger transition words and more words to explain my points

2024-09-25 17:52:22 UTC

Hence, having an education can help society in many ways.

2024-09-25 17:52:25 UTC

Comparatively, helping people also…

2024-09-25 17:52:26 UTC

followed by a significant amount.

2024-09-25 17:52:27 UTC

My evidence aids in strengthening my argument by providing applicable information and examples that support my thesis.

2024-09-25 17:52:30 UTC

There could have been a lot more verbs along with better transitional words.

2024-09-25 17:52:34 UTC

For instance in the Toy Story...

2024-09-25 17:52:39 UTC

However, not everyone...

2024-09-25 17:52:43 UTC

"Foremost, ideas and knowledge..."

2024-09-25 17:52:47 UTC

I could've used much better verbs and adjectives when describing my evidence and commentary.

2024-09-25 17:52:48 UTC

Some stronger word choices I couldve added was different phrases instead of "these examples" or "Another example "

2024-09-25 17:52:54 UTC

My evidence is generally important due to how they all reflect the self-destruction high self-expectations are able to inflict on oneself, and how evident examples are in even children films and fairytales.

2024-09-25 17:53:08 UTC

In my essay i should have used better transition words, stronger verbs, and stop using the same words over and over again to avoid sounding repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:53:09 UTC

A sense of loss and failure if we do not achieve our ideals and expectations.

2024-09-25 17:53:10 UTC

I could have used more transition words to make my essay clearer and less repetitive.

2024-09-25 17:53:21 UTC

the Harvard study reveals that students who are more educated create a better society than those with less education.

2024-09-25 17:53:21 UTC

This shows that Martin Luther King Jr wanted to better society by helping everybody become equal.

2024-09-25 17:53:27 UTC

"...have the ability to speak freely."

2024-09-25 17:53:30 UTC

Caring more about their community and trying to ensure that it is a clean place families can live in.

2024-09-25 17:53:33 UTC

My evidence is generally important because those are ways people are able to demonstrate their opinions through what people have available to them.

2024-09-25 17:53:35 UTC

Overall, society.....

2024-09-25 17:53:35 UTC

reduces the amount of deficiency...

2024-09-25 17:53:40 UTC

It explains my message more understandable by helping my audiences visualize how what I'm trying to say is true.

2024-09-25 17:53:45 UTC

I could have used words that were more specific to the commentary and concise rather than creating overly complex run-on sentences.

2024-09-25 17:53:47 UTC

For example, the movie elaborates on the idea...

2024-09-25 17:53:49 UTC

this is seen in

2024-09-25 17:53:57 UTC

Also, in 2024, people use emotional...

2024-09-25 17:53:59 UTC

"But one day,....."

2024-09-25 17:54:01 UTC

Humanity is a difficult issue...

2024-09-25 17:54:03 UTC

for instance, hence, along with

2024-09-25 17:54:04 UTC

I could have used more transition words, as well as more synonyms for simple basic words to strengthen the tone and appeal more to the audience.

2024-09-25 17:54:20 UTC

"...one should stand up for what is right."

2024-09-25 17:54:20 UTC

…the sense of fulfillment it gives oneself.

2024-09-25 17:54:26 UTC

it also states...

2024-09-25 17:54:28 UTC

As a result, the Madhatter....

2024-09-25 17:54:29 UTC

"... most people are closed-minded..."

2024-09-25 17:54:32 UTC

This reveals his importance on wanting to be peaceful, and how peace can change an entire society.

2024-09-25 17:54:37 UTC

Similarly on the other hand...

2024-09-25 17:54:38 UTC

There is a channel who is know as.

2024-09-25 17:54:44 UTC

For instance, people only....

2024-09-25 17:55:11 UTC

In the end he caused...

2024-09-25 17:55:15 UTC

"Winning comes second before himself. And love comes first."

2024-09-25 17:55:24 UTC

To begin with, humanity bringing this new idea...

2024-09-25 17:55:25 UTC

I could have used better evidence since it caused my commentary to be unfinished. Repetitiveness also affected my body paragraph.

2024-09-25 17:55:31 UTC

"Freedom of speech allows people to talk about their religion, thus converting others."

2024-09-25 17:55:35 UTC

I would've added other words than the words I had due to repetition in order to explain my point in a better way. Also adding more transition words to the beginnings.

2024-09-25 17:55:37 UTC

"History is a powerful tool that can show the impact past choices have had on the world, and its in our best interests to use this tool for the betterment of society.

2024-09-25 17:55:38 UTC

contrary to popular belief everyone can become educated whether it be from a mentor,books, the internet or social interaction people can study how others interact with the world to than imitate or create their own style of educated knowledge.

2024-09-25 17:55:38 UTC

I could've used more transitions to better connect my evidence, or use a better vocabulary to clarify my evidence.

2024-09-25 17:55:40 UTC

Overall helping others for the greater good of humanity often carries significant advantages.

2024-09-25 17:55:55 UTC

I lacked good transitions and spelling, as well as strong past tense verbs.

2024-09-25 17:55:55 UTC

when many could take it as a joke

2024-09-25 17:56:05 UTC

In our world, new improvements to society determines the way people live

2024-09-25 17:56:06 UTC

Comepletely give more context to my evidence based on who is the Madhatter and what happened.

2024-09-25 17:56:10 UTC

...helping others encourages one to pursue their beliefs and goals.

2024-09-25 17:56:13 UTC

An educated community has less crime and less danger.

2024-09-25 17:56:20 UTC

The significance of this evidence lies within...

2024-09-25 17:56:28 UTC

Furthermore, this caused...

2024-09-25 17:56:31 UTC

..uses angles and measurements that are applicable to building and crafting...

2024-09-25 17:56:32 UTC

First, unfulfillment is caused by high expectations that can't be fulfilled.

2024-09-25 17:56:32 UTC

Therefore, that causes conflict...

2024-09-25 17:56:41 UTC

this complements my evidence because stereotypes are quite rude.

2024-09-25 17:56:47 UTC

overall helping other for the greater good of humanity often carries significant advantages.

2024-09-25 17:56:49 UTC

For example, Snow White....

2024-09-25 17:56:49 UTC

"Humans are complex and incomprehensible to define, no right or wrong answer we collectively agree on...."

2024-09-25 17:56:55 UTC

...could be found effective as seen in these sources..."

2024-09-25 17:57:02 UTC

"Moral disputes and debates, like abortion, contests sensitive topics..."

2024-09-25 17:57:05 UTC

This can then be connected to...

2024-09-25 17:57:07 UTC

As a result, the way...

2024-09-25 17:57:08 UTC

"This has caused ideas to spread for a better life."

2024-09-25 17:57:09 UTC

…and the love that others feel when helped.

2024-09-25 17:57:10 UTC

in the world and Jose Hernandez

2024-09-25 17:57:12 UTC

It can also help us as humans stay grounded and self assured.

2024-09-25 17:57:24 UTC

Allows a well fit community and is willing to give back to their community.

2024-09-25 17:57:24 UTC

....daily life in 2024.

2024-09-25 17:57:27 UTC

When people happen to see this they may chuckle.

2024-09-25 17:57:32 UTC

economic standing is the only thing prohibiting people from interacting with education and although there is some inexpensive ways to educate oneself it is difficult to provide that sort of education to one another.

2024-09-25 17:57:33 UTC

"Freedom of speech allows minorities to voice their concerns about the challenges they face."

The correlation with the Evil Queen.....

2024-09-25 17:57:36 UTC

Primarily, when one helps someone…

2024-09-25 17:57:37 UTC

¨In return they receive praise and validation...¨

2024-09-25 17:57:37 UTC

Also In Fast and Furious movies it shows...

2024-09-25 17:57:49 UTC

"..., he talks about and acknowledges.."

2024-09-25 17:57:52 UTC

As demonstrated by in Martin Luther King Jr.'s, "I have a dream speech", the U.S. has many flaws, especially as people of color are segregated and don't have rights to vote.

2024-09-25 17:57:54 UTC

"It keeps our society alive as our society can be more sophisticated through the freedom of speech."

2024-09-25 17:57:55 UTC

Overall this is very urgent information

2024-09-25 17:57:57 UTC

Instead of another example, I couldve put, " this case illustrates"

2024-09-25 17:58:00 UTC

The following texts, "Declaration of Independence"... and the book "Fahrenheit 451", along with propaganda from Hitlers Rule...

2024-09-25 17:58:00 UTC

"Ones strong words can make an impact in Humanity."

2024-09-25 17:58:00 UTC

..and educational norms have changed..

2024-09-25 17:58:01 UTC

...it provokes persistence within people...

2024-09-25 17:58:05 UTC

I could have used stronger verbs, ethos, and pathos.

2024-09-25 17:58:07 UTC

"This overall shows how knowledge of history can have a significant impact on society, and how education is able to improve human life."

2024-09-25 17:58:08 UTC

"Coming to a realization they are not the person...."

2024-09-25 17:58:16 UTC

This elaborates that providing…

2024-09-25 17:58:20 UTC

¨On the contrary people...¨

The overall effect being that......

2024-09-25 17:58:22 UTC

2024-09-25 17:58:26 UTC

These four skills can help one better their community by communicating with one another.

2024-09-25 17:59:56 UTC

The result of my evidence is the audiences understanding my message clearly.

2024-09-25 18:10:56 UTC

My evidence is important because it allows me to connect back to my thesis. It also shows readers the importance of education.

2024-09-25 18:11:17 UTC

"Freedom of speech reveals the corrupt or wrongful actions committed by governments or corporations."

2024-09-25 18:13:19 UTC

I could've used different words in order to be less repetitive. Another thing I could have done was to use better transition words.

2024-09-25 18:14:09 UTC

"However, freedom of Speech can be limited to promote public safety."

2024-09-25 18:18:37 UTC

"Freedom of speech should be limited when it advocates hatred and incites discrimination or violence."

2024-09-25 18:26:06 UTC

...kindness towards others can have long lasting effects in their lives.

2024-09-25 18:27:45 UTC

"However, many important issues that we face in the world today, such as discrimination and racism, are facilitated through the freedom of speech."

2024-09-25 18:27:59 UTC

The girl taught herself by reading...

2024-09-25 18:31:42 UTC

Through their education surrounding...

2024-09-25 18:32:28 UTC

Later on, she was able to go to school...

2024-09-25 18:35:53 UTC

...she was a well-educated person...

2024-09-25 18:42:18 UTC

...to go to a school for medicine and successfully follow his career.

2024-09-25 18:54:27 UTC

Thus, Freedom of speech is a useful tool in society due to allowing people to have a voice and to be able to change whatever is deemed unjust.

2024-09-25 18:57:04 UTC

...Since, there is more than one way to demonstrate one's voice people are able to share their opinions in many ways.

2024-09-25 18:59:10 UTC

Additionally, being able to speak freely allows for marginalized people to speak about injustices in which they're experiencing

2024-09-25 19:59:12 UTC

Which eventually leaves a negative impact on work quality.

2024-09-25 20:14:45 UTC

To add to that there’s an artist by the name of logic releases a song by the name of Dark Place.

2024-09-25 20:19:12 UTC

something high expectations set is unfullfillment, work quality and lack of determination, as seen in these three examples first…

2024-09-25 20:27:02 UTC

The foundation of human nature is rooted in education, and the principles at which we collect knowledge.

2024-09-25 20:30:29 UTC

It's branches of knowledge like science and education that have been able to improve human lives.

2024-09-25 20:33:16 UTC

"Jefferson based much of the founding principles of the United States, such as Natural Rights, showing how because of his education in history, Jefferson was able to help steer society towards a better path."

2024-09-25 21:06:39 UTC

I organized my essay well and provided evidence relevant to the prompt.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:07:12 UTC

I did well in both the thesis and providing some specific evidence with commentary that relates to my argument.

2024-09-25 21:07:26 UTC

I believe that I did well on my thesis and getting my argument across.

2024-09-25 21:07:36 UTC

I was organized in my essay. I feel I have a problem with keeping my thoughts, evidence, and ideas straight but I did well on that in this essay.

2024-09-25 21:07:40 UTC

I did well with my evidence and I did good putting it all together.

2024-09-25 21:08:05 UTC

I used the shows All American, Naruto, and my own personal life.

2024-09-25 21:08:08 UTC

I had a clear thesis and had an overall organized and balanced essay.

2024-09-25 21:08:09 UTC

I was able to write and explain my thesis clearly. I could have been a bit more specific but overall I feel as if i have improved.

2024-09-25 21:08:14 UTC

I provided a good well defensible thesis as well as a good format in my body paragraphs.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:08:22 UTC

I incorporated evidence from history, such as the battles between the indigenous tribes and colonists, the American Revolution, World War l, and World War ll.

2024-09-25 21:08:40 UTC

I used Rory from Gilmore Girls, Dexter, and Joe Goldburg in You

I did good at making my point and claim and my conclusion ended good.

2024-09-25 21:08:47 UTC

2024-09-25 21:08:53 UTC

I used myself , the tv show Greys Anatomy, Oprah Winfrey, and Bill Gates in my essay as evidence.

2024-09-25 21:08:57 UTC

I used a fiction movie, my personal life, and as well the book thief

2024-09-25 21:09:10 UTC

I incorporated evidence from two music artists and my personal experiences.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:09:31 UTC

I could not have been as wordy in my essay and I also could have said more for my commentary.

2024-09-25 21:09:42 UTC

I incorporated a speech by Tom Brady, the series Naruto, and my life experience.

2024-09-25 21:09:47 UTC

I could've explained my self better when talking about the evidence.

2024-09-25 21:09:54 UTC

I could've ensured my balancing and commentary and evidence.

2024-09-25 21:10:14 UTC

I could've had a more well-rounded argument if I repeated myself less and was a bit more specific.

I used news articles that talked about the importance of attending school and the problems with not finishing school.

2024-09-25 21:10:43 UTC

2024-09-25 21:10:48 UTC

I need to improve on not being repetitive and connecting to my thesis.

2024-09-25 21:10:49 UTC

I included the historic play of Romeo & Juliet and also the book on the Holocaust called Night. Also the show Dexter.

2024-09-25 21:10:58 UTC

I could have connected my evidence better. I also repeated myself so if I would just take out all the repetitive sentences then replaced them with how or why the evidence connects that would have made my essay better.

2024-09-25 21:11:11 UTC

the result could be when people are reading my essay they wouldn't be able to get the point as how I understand it so id have to work on explaining myself better.

2024-09-25 21:11:22 UTC

I could have added more commentary to my essay.

2024-09-25 21:11:27 UTC

I wasn't as detailed and concise with my wording.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:11:40 UTC

My result is that although I am able to bring specific events, I was not able to comment well enough on this which therefore made my argument weaker.

I should be more specific, not repeat my words, and avoid certain words as well.

2024-09-25 21:11:43 UTC

What I did well on

2024-09-25 21:11:45 UTC

I believe that I did well on, is having enough evidence, and I think my sentence structure was good too.

2024-09-25 21:11:50 UTC

I should have been less repetitive and explained my evidence better.

2024-09-25 21:11:53 UTC

I repeated myself i bit too much which didn't get my point across on all aspects. I could have added sources from different interests so people would understand my argument from all perspectives.

2024-09-25 21:12:07 UTC

I provided sensical evidence. I also had the idea.

2024-09-25 21:12:11 UTC

Another result is I could've gone more in dept and ended the paragraph better.

2024-09-25 21:12:13 UTC

Evidence helps prove your argument made in the thesis statement.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:12:25 UTC

A result was that I should have been more specific and less wordy when making my evidence and or commentary.

2024-09-25 21:12:30 UTC

I could have added better commentary for the Romeo & Juliet evidence. I also could have included more transition words.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:13:22 UTC

My evidence is generally important as it backs up on what I am arguing for, which makes my side of the argument look stronger.

2024-09-25 21:13:22 UTC

I should've used more detailed words and been more specific.

2024-09-25 21:13:43 UTC

my evidence are important because they need to be able to explain how everyone as humans can hurt and help everyone and to show that their not all bad and whatever we do can always benefit you in the future.

The result of my evidence would be the impact of being educated to the point where you can educate another person.

2024-09-25 21:14:00 UTC

2024-09-25 21:14:28 UTC

I could've used better pronunciation by replacing my day to day words and I could've been more formal and understanding.

2024-09-25 21:14:42 UTC

Secondly, humans are...

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:14:42 UTC

I could have had specific words that can't be repeated often, instead of using phrases such as "in order to".

2024-09-25 21:14:49 UTC

The evidence I used is the civil rights movement, Martin Luther King jr, the protests during Covid, and Ivan Cornejo's new album

2024-09-25 21:15:08 UTC

My evidence supports my thesis well and I had no repetition.

2024-09-25 21:15:11 UTC

First, all humans create a standard.....

2024-09-25 21:15:25 UTC

I should've been more efficient with my commentary. I repeated myself and made no sense. I didn´t prove my claim or connect it with my evidence. I could have used zero cliches and fixed my transition words. I needed to choose better evidence to elaborate on.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:15:32 UTC

"In a positive manner, humanity helps each other to grow together..."

2024-09-25 21:15:34 UTC

My evidence is important because it helped prove my argument by using mental health and the decrease in performance due to mental health diagnosis increasing. This helped prove real world problems which helped back up my argument.

2024-09-25 21:15:36 UTC

I should have took my example of Grey's Anatomy and gave a more clear-cut example because while I did explain my evidence I feel it could have been better.

2024-09-25 21:15:48 UTC

Overall, while we all set....

2024-09-25 21:15:56 UTC

One thing I could improve on is to comment more on my evidence to make a stronger argument.

2024-09-25 21:15:57 UTC

I was able to keep an organized essay, with a clear claim, good pieces of evidence to backup my claim, and a sensical progression of ideas.

2024-09-25 21:16:05 UTC

My evidence proves how when people work together good things come out and I use modern day shows like Dexter to give an example of how this is true in the modern day.

2024-09-25 21:16:16 UTC

that affects both of them...

2024-09-25 21:16:19 UTC

another result is that i was not able to explain how else it affects us in the real world.

2024-09-25 21:16:20 UTC

I did well on my third paragraph by correctly using evidence and commentary.

2024-09-25 21:16:37 UTC

"For example, the booked thief After hans saw..."

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:16:54 UTC

"...in order to increase the odds of success in problems that might be too much for individualism."

My evidence is important because it gives reality checks to many individuals who believe education does not have such importance when high school is over.

2024-09-25 21:17:01 UTC

2024-09-25 21:17:03 UTC

I incorporated evidence from websites and the musical Hamilton.

2024-09-25 21:17:16 UTC

I used today's new technology, Tesla and the new iPhone 16. I also used the Second Treatise of Government by John Locke and The Voting Act of 1964.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:17:18 UTC

"Secondly, humanity possesses a trait to just..."

2024-09-25 21:17:21 UTC

I could have used more transition words and been a bit more logical with my evidence and commentary to really help the argument.

2024-09-25 21:17:24 UTC

My evidence is important because it makes a stronger argument and allows the audience to understand from other perspectives.

2024-09-25 21:17:38 UTC

For two of the examples I used I should have took more time to connect the two. I just gave detailed on both of them and how they back up my argument, but if I was to have made a connection between the two it would have been a lot better.

2024-09-25 21:17:40 UTC

"We as human know the possible consequences and yet we can always choose to help others because..."

2024-09-25 21:17:47 UTC

When I tried to comment on my evidence for Romeo & Juliet on how when people work together and collaborate good things happen I failed on my commentary. I did not check the facts and some things that I claimed about the play was wrong and I was being repetitive.

2024-09-25 21:18:06 UTC

The result of my evidence would be that believing in oneself affects the way they go about important decisions.

2024-09-25 21:18:22 UTC

I could have used more transition words to connect my evidence, and I could have thought things through.

2024-09-25 21:18:26 UTC

I could have added more verbs and adverbs to my essay.

2024-09-25 21:18:30 UTC

"As a result, this can lead to..."

2024-09-25 21:18:45 UTC

I had a good format, I think it was very organized. My introduction was probably my best thing but everything else needs lots of improvement.

2024-09-25 21:18:45 UTC

I could have used words that were less repetitive and more impactful.

2024-09-25 21:19:09 UTC

I could have had a more well-rounded argument if I finished my idea for my arguments and commentary, and elaborate more on my conclusion.

2024-09-25 21:19:09 UTC

this helps our understanding on how others can be differnet and how we can all choose what we wanna do

2024-09-25 21:19:21 UTC

I had organization within my essay, I was able to connect my thesis with examples from books and historical figures. I also did a better job of not repeating myself over and over again.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:19:47 UTC

"This shows how humanity automatically helps other purely out of choice when they see others in distress."

2024-09-25 21:19:49 UTC

I could have commented on what my evidence effects, and not repeat myself as much.

2024-09-25 21:19:50 UTC

Evidence is very important in helping prove that one is right in an argument. My evidence is important to show how human collaboration is a good thing and not being seen as a bad thing that causes only conflicts happen.

2024-09-25 21:20:00 UTC

"this all mattered because ..."

2024-09-25 21:20:07 UTC

My evidence is important because not only does it show you why we should have high self expectations. It also gives you prime examples of people or situations where they held themselves to high self-expectations and it benefited them.

2024-09-25 21:20:13 UTC

I used historical events such as the French Revolution, Creation of Democracy in Ancient Greece, and the Protestant Reformation to backup my claim. I also used the film "The Martian" to further backup my claim.

2024-09-25 21:20:15 UTC

Therefore, his hard work and dedication...

2024-09-25 21:20:18 UTC

The result of my evidence is also that setting high self expectations plays a significant role in one's achievements.

2024-09-25 21:20:23 UTC

Evidence I used was America's fight for independence, The Battle of Saratoga, the spread of Washington's fame, the Rise of Christianity, censorship, and Siddhartha Gautama.

2024-09-25 21:20:45 UTC

I used evidence from a book series and within Desmond Doss and Alexander Hamilton. Those sources were easy for me to connect to the thesis.

2024-09-25 21:20:49 UTC

I could have added multiple transition words when I did not and it could have made my essay much stronger.

2024-09-25 21:20:55 UTC

Another result was me being too repetative when commenting on why my evidence supported my claim.

2024-09-25 21:21:06 UTC

The result could have been improved if I commented better and if it had better purpose.

2024-09-25 21:21:15 UTC

"As he did, he was punished for doing so."

"Educators are often the ones to take credit."

2024-09-25 21:21:15 UTC

2024-09-25 21:21:28 UTC

My evidence is important because it shows why it is beneficial to think highly of oneself.

2024-09-25 21:21:29 UTC

I could have used more transition words when starting new paragraphs. Also stop or minimize my usage of but and like while I'm writing.

2024-09-25 21:21:33 UTC

My evidence could result in people thinking about how intellectual people could benefit society.

214127_13 — 2024-09-25 21:21:34 UTC

"Overall, this matters today...to prevent such issues occurring in the past, which could bring a more secure and bright future for all of humanity."

2024-09-25 21:21:51 UTC

Another perspective that can lead to these outcomes is the perspective of athletes and physically active people in our society today...

2024-09-25 21:21:52 UTC

Today, his hard work has paid off...

2024-09-25 21:21:53 UTC

"..as seen in 3 examples."

2024-09-25 21:22:19 UTC

"...it is also a significant reality check to others.

2024-09-25 21:22:31 UTC

I could've used my evidence to relate to more common issues within 2024 that most of the country is aware of.

2024-09-25 21:22:31 UTC

I could have used verbs that are unique.

2024-09-25 21:22:53 UTC

I could've added a topic sentence to paragraph one, added proper commentary, and explained the significance/connected my evidence.

2024-09-25 21:23:06 UTC

In fact, she expected more she knew within herself she could accomplish such greater things.

2024-09-25 21:23:18 UTC

"First, unemployment has been an issue for many years."

2024-09-25 21:23:28 UTC

However, I am now...

2024-09-25 21:23:34 UTC

My evidence was too limited I did have evidence that pertained to the topic but it didn't add or show that I have the ability or strength to elaborate on other topics.

2024-09-25 21:23:39 UTC

The result of my evidence led to a whole bunch of historical yap.

Hence the majority of students...

2024-09-25 21:23:41 UTC

2024-09-25 21:23:44 UTC

My evidence was good and supported the thesis well, but I need to work on taking that evidence and relating it to modern-day problems without repeating that problem with every piece of evidence.

2024-09-25 21:23:55 UTC

I could have written my essay in a more concise manner and with commentary that doesn't loosely repeat.

2024-09-25 21:24:34 UTC

Another result of my evidence was the detail I had with it, I was able to explain it and picture it so it defended my thesis better.

2024-09-25 21:24:37 UTC

Constantly aiming for high expectations has really affected.....

2024-09-25 21:24:38 UTC

My pieces of evidence were important because they show how the freedom of speech impacts the way society is being changed. This is because we understand the feelings of others.

2024-09-25 21:24:41 UTC

which plays a major role in his achievements.

2024-09-25 21:25:09 UTC

A similar experience to this can be when.....

2024-09-25 21:25:11 UTC

my evidence proves that educated people are detrimental to society.

2024-09-25 21:25:12 UTC

"As well as human interactions causing for the mixture of distinct ideas" fixed to "Further human interactions cause for the mixture of distinct ideas"

2024-09-25 21:25:14 UTC

Examples of this being myself in school, Grey's Anatomy the TV show, even the multi-billionaires Oprah Winfrey, and Bill Gates.

2024-09-25 21:25:43 UTC

My evidence could've used more specification and not use an enclosure for my commentary.

2024-09-25 21:25:49 UTC

I could have used more transition words and more thought-out unique words.

2024-09-25 21:25:52 UTC

allowing him to become more protective of the people around him, which is important because it helps the younger generations to follow the right path.

2024-09-25 21:26:08 UTC

As a result Spencer sets his dream to become an NFL player.

2024-09-25 21:26:24 UTC

First, setting up high expectations make us subconsciously push ourselves to accomplish more.

2024-09-25 21:26:31 UTC

Furthermore, Martin Luther King jr...

2024-09-25 21:26:48 UTC

"In conclusion, Human collaboration and teamwork keeps being proved to be a good thing" Fixed to "Hence, human collaboration and teamwork keeps being proved to be a good thing"

2024-09-25 21:26:57 UTC

Although this might be true...

2024-09-25 21:27:00 UTC

Furthermore, I should've connect my four pieces of historical evidence in my first paragraph.

2024-09-25 21:27:03 UTC

My evidence is important because it shows my thesis's progress with different people in different situations. It shows how no matter what situation that person is in, education can affect that person.

2024-09-25 21:27:08 UTC

Additionally, Spencer sets an expectation of himself...

2024-09-25 21:27:27 UTC

It relates to today's world of education. We are developing constantly and we are the next generation to have a part in the world. If we are not educated properly and effectively then how will we make a difference in the world; enough to keep the world succeeding?

2024-09-25 21:27:28 UTC

Freedom of speech allows...

2024-09-25 21:27:36 UTC

"...many see education as less as important due to the new opportunities created. "

2024-09-25 21:27:45 UTC

Before everything went downhill, he disappeared from all social media and public appearances until...

2024-09-25 21:27:47 UTC

Another example is Bill Gates, a man who co-founded Microsoft.

2024-09-25 21:27:48 UTC

"In the historic story, Romeo & Juliet" Fixed to "In the historic play, Romeo & Juliet"

2024-09-25 21:28:06 UTC

Evidence is important because it provides the reader with an explanation of what you talked about in your thesis.

2024-09-25 21:28:15 UTC

I could have used more descriptive words and translation words more.

2024-09-25 21:28:21 UTC

...not being able to recognize his love anymore

2024-09-25 21:28:42 UTC

To begin, setting high self expectations...

2024-09-25 21:28:45 UTC

allowing them to have the desire to meet their goals...

2024-09-25 21:28:50 UTC

"In the historic book Night, from the holocaust" Fixed to "In the historic book Night about the Holocaust"

2024-09-25 21:28:56 UTC

I could've added more unique transition words in order to make the essay flow better and not repeat myself.

2024-09-25 21:28:58 UTC

...able to help change these problems into solutions.

2024-09-25 21:29:04 UTC

My evidence is generally important because it relates to the needs of education.

2024-09-25 21:29:11 UTC

Overall, all this matters because now in society we have gotten used to settling, just barely getting by, not pushing ourselves like we should.

2024-09-25 21:29:35 UTC

"He could have turned to come out as a person" fixed to "He could have became"

2024-09-25 21:29:44 UTC

I could have used more transition words and be more clear.

2024-09-25 21:30:49 UTC

Once people are respectful and considerate of others, society can become a better and safer place for all.

2024-09-25 21:30:51 UTC

I could have put that "more ideas can revealed to better human life, which results in a more civilized, organized, and well structured society."

2024-09-25 21:31:05 UTC

In Addition to providing...

2024-09-25 21:31:34 UTC

...even though they are important the school wants to build our character...

2024-09-25 21:31:58 UTC

First, greater education...

2024-09-25 21:32:10 UTC

Secondly, education influences...

2024-09-25 21:32:17 UTC

For example, during America's fight for independence...

2024-09-25 21:32:45 UTC

Secondly, when Christianity was spreading...

2024-09-25 21:32:48 UTC

I can replace all my cliches with better words of choice. My transition words definitely needed to be changed and kept them simple and orderly. I also could have used higher quality words to make my essay overall sound finer.

2024-09-25 21:32:50 UTC

Doss saved many lives during the war, some even from the opposing side.

2024-09-25 21:33:05 UTC

My commentary on the film "The Martian" could have been better in the sense that I loosely repeated my evidence in my commentary. I have to find a sensible way to connect my evidence and commentary without being repetitive.

2024-09-25 21:33:48 UTC

According to Freud, we have psychosexual stages which affect our personality.

2024-09-25 21:35:13 UTC

...proves to us that education impacts technology and progresses society...

2024-09-25 21:35:42 UTC

First, everyday technology becomes...

2024-09-25 21:36:21 UTC

Additionally, John Adams was a timid guy...

2024-09-25 21:37:16 UTC

In the book thief, it explains...

2024-09-25 21:47:16 UTC

I did well in being clear on my evidence for my arguments. Also I had a clear thesis had enough evidence to use in my essay.

2024-09-25 21:49:07 UTC

I used two TV shows, that I knew well enough to have enough evidence for my essay, and I used my own life as a source for evidence.

2024-09-25 21:50:24 UTC

To make a more well-rounded argument I could’ve brought up how this matters or how it matters in 2024.

2024-09-25 22:13:57 UTC

Both my voice and conclusion was strong.

2024-09-25 22:14:28 UTC

I was good in providing evidence from history and was able to connect those ideas to the situation.

2024-09-25 22:14:54 UTC

I did well with my thesis and my organization was good.

2024-09-25 22:15:14 UTC

Had a clear thesis and conclusion.

2024-09-25 22:15:19 UTC

I'm not sure what I did well.

In my essay I did well in my thesis but I need to stop repeating.

2024-09-25 22:15:24 UTC

2024-09-25 22:15:30 UTC

I used evidence on Martin Luther king Jr., Abraham Lincoln, a book series, and a television show.

2024-09-25 22:15:35 UTC

The evidence I used was human philosophy, religion, technology, M.A.D, and global warming.

2024-09-25 22:15:41 UTC

I can state my thesis clearly and come up with adequate examples.

2024-09-25 22:16:11 UTC

The Evidence I used was Dragon Ball Super, Matilda, and World War II

I started my essay really well.

2024-09-25 22:16:14 UTC

2024-09-25 22:16:24 UTC

I used inappropriate jokes, and isms and phobias.

2024-09-25 22:16:42 UTC

I could have improved on commenting on my evidence to make it also seem that I was talking and stating my opinion on the evidence.

2024-09-25 22:16:55 UTC

I could've used transition words and better word choices

2024-09-25 22:17:01 UTC

I used personal experiences, films and TV series.

2024-09-25 22:17:03 UTC

Repetitiveness is an issue and I could have elaborated more on the importance of human differences.

2024-09-25 22:17:06 UTC

I did well on holding my argument together, wrote a good introduction paragraph, and had a concise closing statement.

2024-09-25 22:17:12 UTC

I had good examples for my evidence. I also had a clear and strong introduction/thesis paragraph.

2024-09-25 22:17:27 UTC

I could comment better on my examples instead of being repetitive and being more organized.

2024-09-25 22:17:33 UTC

Stop repeating myself in the commentary and stop doing run on sentences.

2024-09-25 22:17:46 UTC

I had a pretty clear thesis and mostly finished the essay this time, and using good transition words

i used books and personal experiences.

2024-09-25 22:17:55 UTC

2024-09-25 22:17:56 UTC

I could also improve on my repeating myself. Instead of repeating myself I could comment on my evidence.

2024-09-25 22:17:56 UTC

I shouldn't have repeated myself.

My evidence I incorporated was Doc McStuffins, Mrs. Avilez and the book Of Mice and Men to show helping is beneficial.

2024-09-25 22:17:59 UTC

2024-09-25 22:18:14 UTC

I should have commented on how else the evidence was useful and what other things it can connect too.

not be too repetitive

2024-09-25 22:18:16 UTC

What I did well on

2024-09-25 22:18:23 UTC

I was able to find sources that related to my argument and be able to take evidence from those sources to back up my argument.

2024-09-25 22:18:23 UTC

My evidence could have been more diverse and should be clearer or more in depth.

2024-09-25 22:18:52 UTC

I used historical events like the American Revolution, Women's Suffrage Movement, Civil Rights Movement, and the U.S. Constitution.

2024-09-25 22:19:13 UTC

I used tv shows which focuses on a person or group work area.

Evidence I Incorporated

2024-09-25 22:19:14 UTC

I incorporated both historical, modern, and literary evidence in my essay. For historical evidence, I primarily used the Hayes Code to support my claim. For literary evidence, I used Big Brother and the Hunger Games to support my claim.

2024-09-25 22:19:33 UTC

I used examples like history, personal experiance, United Nations, and the Redcross.

2024-09-25 22:19:39 UTC

I used real people's lives, Skate the Infinity, and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for my evidence.

2024-09-25 22:19:44 UTC

I was very clear in my essay and so was my thesis.

2024-09-25 22:20:01 UTC

I used two books that have been around in the past two decades. I also used my own life as evidence to support my argument.

2024-09-25 22:20:14 UTC

I could have used a more recent example of evidence and repeated my words less.

2024-09-25 22:20:36 UTC

I could use better words and fix my grammar and capitalization.

2024-09-25 22:20:42 UTC

My evidence is generally important because it shows a character that is struggling on being their best while their parent is pressuring to do better.

2024-09-25 22:20:50 UTC

I had strong organization and my information was clear

2024-09-25 22:20:52 UTC

I was able to explain why the awareness of the people around you influence your decisions.

2024-09-25 22:21:21 UTC

I had a lack of evidence for one of my claims which led to a sizable difference in length between body paragraphs.

2024-09-25 22:21:33 UTC

I used Gilmore Girls, Modern Family and George Washington as my evidence. I should've chosen a literary example or another real event to balance my evidence.

2024-09-25 22:21:35 UTC

I could have tried using more modern examples and backed up my evidence more. separate my paragraphs more and be more concise.

2024-09-25 22:21:45 UTC

I could have added better commentary and also rushed less to explain myself better.

2024-09-25 22:21:48 UTC

I could've used better wording and thought it through more because it was a bad comment.

2024-09-25 22:22:07 UTC

I could have explained and clarified my evidence and be less repetitive as well as comment on my essay better.

2024-09-25 22:22:19 UTC

I could have added more transition words and when I used a word lots of times I could’ve used a different word that has the same meaning or use.

Things I Did Well

2024-09-25 22:22:21 UTC

I started my thesis strong, I used strong evidence and examples, and I made great commentary in some parts of my essay.

2024-09-25 22:22:30 UTC

They're important because they show the evil side of freedom of speech

2024-09-25 22:22:31 UTC

I could have varied my evidence to have something other than a historical event. I should have connected my argument to examples that are more relevant to today's society. I could have used personal experiences or included situations from books or movies. I also could have developed some parts of my commentary better.

2024-09-25 22:22:32 UTC

I could have better connected my evidence to my commentary and not have repeated myself.

2024-09-25 22:22:38 UTC

To bring awareness to everyone.

2024-09-25 22:22:43 UTC

A result in my commentary allows me to connect it with the situation but could have done a much better job in connecting and stop being repetitive.

2024-09-25 22:22:44 UTC

The two books I used were in the fantasy genre. Next time I use evidence I would like to try and find a few more realistic examples and sources.

2024-09-25 22:23:08 UTC

Transition words, better grammar, better spelling, and proper words

2024-09-25 22:23:09 UTC

Evidence is important because it is the logos of an essay. Without evidence a claim has no source and so even if it's correct people will not believe it nearly as much.

2024-09-25 22:23:19 UTC

I need to focus on not repeating myself and separating my evidence so it doesn't sound like one.

2024-09-25 22:23:20 UTC

I could have a more well-rounded argument by using other pieces of evidence other than TV-shows and commented on my evidence better.

2024-09-25 22:23:22 UTC

It is important because it allows for the reader to understand the situation more and relates to the claim.

2024-09-25 22:23:23 UTC

A more profound vocabulary using synonyms of simple words.

To make my essay more well-rounded I could add more commentary and stop repeating.

2024-09-25 22:23:36 UTC

i could of used more verbs

2024-09-25 22:23:53 UTC

2024-09-25 22:24:00 UTC

I could have used words like Primarily, Secondly, and Finally to tie my essay together.

2024-09-25 22:24:46 UTC

Anais’ parents pressure her to do…

2024-09-25 22:24:47 UTC

This is important to be aware of because it is a real life problem that is constant in our society today. The classic story of good guy gone bad.

2024-09-25 22:24:59 UTC

Overall, freedom of speech...

2024-09-25 22:25:08 UTC

In reading, kids today can experience different emotions that helps them experience and understand things in a different way.

2024-09-25 22:25:18 UTC

Lastly, and example would be...

for instance, the book elaborates on the idea…

2024-09-25 22:25:20 UTC

2024-09-25 22:25:38 UTC

Transition words would have been helpful for different paragraphs. I also used the same word a lot even when it could be replaced by a stronger word.

2024-09-25 22:25:43 UTC

I need to point out that my examples did not relate to the real world because they are from imaginary worlds. And I need to relate how the morals or effects of actions or the story can relate to our lives.

2024-09-25 22:25:47 UTC

If my evidence was better it would have been easier to comment on it and if I varied my evidence it wouldn't have sounded too repetitive.

Things I Can Do Better

2024-09-25 22:25:53 UTC

I needed more balanced commentary throughout the essay, more strength in my statements, and more variety in my word choices.

2024-09-25 22:26:07 UTC

... people or animals appear a lot on the Internet.

2024-09-25 22:26:09 UTC

Primarily, being and having a functional society is important for education and the people learning as they are future leaders.

2024-09-25 22:26:23 UTC

Such as when, Alex’s parents…

2024-09-25 22:26:46 UTC

Secondly, from a very early age children have role models in their lives and often seek happiness.

2024-09-25 22:27:05 UTC

I repeated my commentary and missed a few points I was trying to make and I should have used more real-life examples for evidence.

2024-09-25 22:27:08 UTC

Instagram is the most common app this happens on...

2024-09-25 22:27:21 UTC

The result of my evidence showed the reader that there is a risk and cost to having high self-expectations. This can show the effects that certain things can lead to and why this can happen.

2024-09-25 22:27:24 UTC

Primarily, morality is a very subjective topic, but one humans are the most well versed in.

2024-09-25 22:27:36 UTC

Nevertheless, all this pushing and pressure…

2024-09-25 22:27:39 UTC

I used Historical evidence like the Aryans, and The Holocaust, & more historical evidence like the movie Freedom writers, & stand and deliver

2024-09-25 22:27:44 UTC

Overall, this information is all relevant today as being educated can shine through to others.

2024-09-25 22:27:45 UTC

I need to improve in not repeating myself and get better at commenting and also be more clearer in explaining.

2024-09-25 22:27:51 UTC

... this can make people feel uncomfortable and dislike the way they are.

2024-09-25 22:27:55 UTC

One example to prove this argument is in the film Blood In Blood Out, the main character is first known as the nerd but after hanging around his cousins and other friends, he gets involved with drugs, drinking, gangs, violence, and this ultimately leads to him going to jail.

2024-09-25 22:28:01 UTC

Finally, all this matters because…

2024-09-25 22:28:37 UTC

My evidence is generally important because it allows people to realize the importance of working together and supports my thesis better.

2024-09-25 22:28:52 UTC

People affect others, and as sown by my evidence, when a leader is failing due to their high self-expectation they can inadvertently lead their followers and those around them into chaos and sometimes death.

2024-09-25 22:28:52 UTC

The result of my evidence was that these historical events might not be as relevant to today's society. This means that people could counter argue against me and use evidence that is more relevant. Some might not be able to directly relate to my evidence and it should be something the audience could connect more to.

2024-09-25 22:28:53 UTC

My evidence is generally important as it gives examples of how my thesis is true, with bad evidence my thesis can be easily argued against.

2024-09-25 22:28:55 UTC

These can be seen through our philosophies, practice of M.A.D, technology and differences in what we believe in.

2024-09-25 22:29:07 UTC

Overall, schools do not help improve a society because it opens us up to people who may be bad influences on them.

2024-09-25 22:29:15 UTC

It is important today as the older generation is dying out, and it is now up to the younger generation to be tomorrow's leaders and learn from the past mistakes and keep moving forward in what they were successful in.

2024-09-25 22:29:49 UTC

It was a somewhat jumbled mess and unorganized. I could've had a better format for my evidence to convey my point.

2024-09-25 22:29:53 UTC

I could try not to repeat myself and use stronger wording and try to explain some things better

2024-09-25 22:29:55 UTC

The result of my evidence could make people believe that high self-expectations are better and more helpful than when we don't set high-expectations.

2024-09-25 22:30:02 UTC

Sometimes what we think is best is not what their definition of best is.

I should’ve commented that helping is not always easy when helping a big situation.

2024-09-25 22:30:06 UTC

2024-09-25 22:30:18 UTC

The difference with humans is that our morals actively tell us to go out and help those in need.

2024-09-25 22:30:23 UTC

I could have used better transitions in my essay to connect everything better and used some stronger verbs.

2024-09-25 22:30:25 UTC

My evidence is important generally as it shows the different instances in time where freedom of speech has been crucial to bring change to societies. This is important to the general public as these are situations that have occurred in history and will continue to occur in the future.

2024-09-25 22:30:26 UTC

Some of the word choices I could have added to make my essay better could have been better transitions and more unique wording to sound better and more experienced on the topic.

2024-09-25 22:30:29 UTC

I certainly needed to add more transition words to clean up my argument. As well as I should have found more synonyms for the words I was using in a way I don't repeat myself.

2024-09-25 22:30:38 UTC

I should've commented in a way that was less repetitive in my second body paragraph.

helping is beneficial when growth is shown. When someone is being a “helper” it makes them feel better emotionally

2024-09-25 22:31:33 UTC

2024-09-25 22:31:35 UTC

The result is that the caregiver does matter because the caregiver could have a strong influence on a child's life in the long term

2024-09-25 22:31:39 UTC

For example, in the series 911, there is an episode of domestic abuse where the protagonist suffers from anger issues and that causes her to physically abuse her husband.

2024-09-25 22:31:41 UTC

My evidence showed how jealousy can affect one's self-esteem and I could've repeated myself less and focused on saying more.

2024-09-25 22:32:20 UTC

...each other and helped bring people out of bad times in their lives where they feel alone and hopeless.

2024-09-25 22:32:24 UTC

I used the term 'freedom of speech' too often as it was apart of the prompt and did not work to find different ways to discuss this topic without being too repetitive.

2024-09-25 22:32:39 UTC

My evidence is important because it helped prove my claim and was clear yet could have had a better structure.

2024-09-25 22:33:10 UTC

because they know there is a need to help show compassion and goodwill.

2024-09-25 22:33:10 UTC

Hence high self-expectations have negative affects such as causing people to lower their self-esteem and causing people to forget why they chose that goal or standard.

2024-09-25 22:33:17 UTC

My evidence is important because it shows and explains my claim and thesis making it more clear to the audience and also making it easier and more understandable to people reading the essay.

2024-09-25 22:33:23 UTC

My evidence is important because it helps explain my thesis better and shows my thinking.

2024-09-25 22:33:31 UTC

The same intelligence that does that possesses enough reason to not evict itself from its own home.

2024-09-25 22:33:45 UTC

To begin, one effect of ......

2024-09-25 22:34:03 UTC

I could've added stronger words and verbs as well as varied my word choices by using synonyms for "high self-expectations and goals" instead of repeating these words multiple times in my essay.

2024-09-25 22:34:38 UTC

thus we help other people besides ourselves, and we learn to be compassionate.

people help because sometimes not doing anything i society is worse then doing nothing

2024-09-25 22:34:59 UTC

2024-09-25 22:35:02 UTC

I started questioning myself and soon began doubting my abilities. When people *second guess* themselves in can ........

2024-09-25 22:35:15 UTC

I could have used better sentence starters/transition words and to better connect my sentences and be less repetitive.

2024-09-25 22:35:24 UTC

Thus, creating and maintaining high self-expectations is beneficial because it ultimately helps one's drive for success and future, as seen in Gilmore Girls, Modern Family and George Washington.

2024-09-25 22:35:30 UTC

I could have added better transition words to make my sentences sound better.

2024-09-25 22:36:23 UTC

This proves that high self-expectations can unintentionally lead people to ruin their childhood and burn out.

not much as stronger words but definitely use sequence words such as finally, after all, also

2024-09-25 22:36:46 UTC

2024-09-25 22:36:48 UTC

The result of my evidence is that this might weaken my argument that freedom of speech has always been important. This would weaken it as I didn't give any recent examples where it has been important. I could have connected my evidence to real life situation that more people would relate to.

2024-09-25 22:36:50 UTC

For example, in the aftermath of WWII two nations created a weapon strong enough to permanently destroy the other.

For example, the character needed someone but didn’t have anyone..

2024-09-25 22:36:51 UTC

2024-09-25 22:37:08 UTC

Unfortunately, this expectation was found difficult to maintain...

2024-09-25 22:37:08 UTC

...come out victorious which can result in humans saving each other and growing stronger together.

2024-09-25 22:37:13 UTC

working together the Allies were able to put an end to Germany's rein of tranny.

2024-09-25 22:37:30 UTC

On the other hand, some people could......

also, humans love to ones growth of their own doing.

2024-09-25 22:37:36 UTC

2024-09-25 22:37:40 UTC

"For example in the show.."

Overall, this matters because….

2024-09-25 22:37:52 UTC

2024-09-25 22:37:54 UTC

The ability to speak freely will always benefit individuals as it promotes democracy and encourages progress...

2024-09-25 22:38:18 UTC

For example, Alex from Modern Family was able to become a scientist and received multiple job offers after college. Ultimately, this helped her live up to her own expectations of her future self. (separate sentence)

2024-09-25 22:38:32 UTC

...kind to another person can have a significant impact on their lives.

first, we help because knowing we left someone helpless would eat us up in inside.

2024-09-25 22:38:37 UTC

2024-09-25 22:38:51 UTC

"..in the beginning of the show..."

2024-09-25 22:38:51 UTC

...promotes democracy and encourages progress, which are both qualities necessary for a society to properly function.

Result of the Evidence (pt. 2)

2024-09-25 22:38:54 UTC

The result of the evidence shows that privileged people of society use technology to abuse minorities and effectively censor their freedom of speech. I used The Hunger Games and the Hayes Code to convey this. I think I effectively connected how this specific event and this specific story relate to the misuse of technology. However, I should have explained the effects of the Hayes Code and the overall narrative of the Hunger Games rather than magnifying specific details.

2024-09-25 22:39:11 UTC

The United Nations is based on teamwork and maintaining peace.

2024-09-25 22:39:15 UTC

"An overlooked aspect is people who attempt to go above and beyond in all that they do."

finally, in of mice and men george killed lennie to set him free than rather than suffer

2024-09-25 22:39:51 UTC

2024-09-25 22:40:05 UTC

if we help each other, we grow as a society, by learning the values of working together.

216484_3 — 2024-09-25 22:58:05 UTC

These women fought with determination, using their voices to demand equal voting rights.

216484_3 — 2024-09-25 22:59:59 UTC

...we are reminded of the importance of open discourse.

216484_3 — 2024-09-25 23:03:29 UTC

For example, speech played a crucial role in...

2024-09-25 23:32:19 UTC

"...fear of being criticized."

2024-09-25 23:34:22 UTC

"it is easy for people to point out what is right and wrong in a community where the right to speak is limited."

2024-09-25 23:45:19 UTC

"Creating and maintaining high self-expectations is similar to setting goals."

2024-09-25 23:51:49 UTC

"... and the way of setting high self-expectations is demonstrated in several TV shows, movies, and history events."

2024-09-25 23:58:00 UTC

"Similarly, in the TV show..."

2024-09-26 00:08:56 UTC

"Also shown in history, many historic characters had demonstrated the results of high self-expectations, ..."

2024-09-26 00:13:01 UTC

"At the end he failed his own expectations and lost, but he couldn't accept defeat so he killed himself as a result."

Result of the Evidence (Part 1)

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:29:21 UTC

The result of the evidence is that technology fosters a community which bolsters miscommunication. I used Big Brother to convey my point. I feel this evidence was not sufficiently explained. I did not comment on the repercussions of this evidence and I solely discussed the implications of this evidence. In the future, my point would have been more clearly conveyed if I had delved deeper with this evidence.

Importance of Evidence

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:35:29 UTC

My evidence is important because it was diverse and each tackled a different aspect of the claim. The Hayes Code was a real historical regulation, enabling for a realistic examination of technological censorship. The Hunger Games is a fictional TV show, allowing me to focus more on the themes and the ideas of the work which support my claim. Big Brother is a reality TV show, helping me reveal how the thesis is applicable to real life presently.

Stronger word choices

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:38:37 UTC

Rather than repeating the same terminology, I could have used different words to convey the same message. Additionally, I could have shortened some sentences to make my essay easier to read and process.

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:40:18 UTC

"...because it enables majority groups to censor minorities, and it fosters a culture of miscommunication."

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:47:52 UTC

"By abusing these tools to silence marginalized communities, freedom of speech is resultantly compromised; This undermines the principle of universality, enables institutional violence against specific groups, and promotes a society where some speech is bureaucratically oppressed."

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:50:31 UTC

"This evidence demonstrates how powerful people use science to harm persecuted communities; if it were not for these futuristic innovations, less harm would have been done to these groups."

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:53:10 UTC

"As technology evolves, it is vital that its ramifications be confronted in order to restore effective freedom of speech and commiseration."

236847 — 2024-09-26 00:54:42 UTC

"Overall, technology is abused by powerful people to control the social narrative, which leads to a stall on social progression as it strongly prevents the public from individual expression."

218109_8 — 2024-09-26 00:59:02 UTC

... Allows for humanity to have a powerful symbol of the detriments of war.

2024-09-26 02:41:13 UTC

However, this can be connected to the idea of…

2024-09-26 02:53:14 UTC

I had a pretty good conclusion. I connected my thesis to real world problems and gave solutions to said problems.

2024-09-26 02:55:02 UTC

I incorporated evidence from articles that proved the reasons for my thesis. I regret doing this because I felt like I didn't understand the articles well. I could have done much better using examples from history, media, etc.

2024-09-26 02:56:14 UTC

I should have used other types of evidence that I understood rather than articles. I also could have made much better commentary.

2024-09-26 02:58:39 UTC

My evidence was the component of my essay that I focused on the most. It basically was the foundation of my thesis because of how little value my commentary added.

2024-09-26 02:59:23 UTC

To support the thesis…

2024-09-26 03:00:25 UTC

My essay made sense and the thoughts were balanced.

2024-09-26 03:01:08 UTC

I incorporated the Hamas and Israeli conflict in the middle east and protest movements such as blacklivesmatter.

2024-09-26 03:01:47 UTC

To have a more well rounded argument, I could have spoken on both the positive and negative affects of freedom of speech but with the detriments overpowering the positive.

2024-09-26 03:02:11 UTC

My evidence was mainly articles and one personal experience. I feel that the personal experience added a much needed visualization in my essay of the effects of high standards on people. I feel that this piece of evidence was the best in my essay because it was obvious I was more passionate about it than I was about some random articles. This helped me create a better visual for the reader which I regret not doing a good job at in the rest of my evidence.

2024-09-26 03:02:33 UTC

I needed more evidence and commentary because I was missing a few paragraphs and also I was struggling to think up of concrete evidence.

2024-09-26 03:04:36 UTC

My evidence is important generally because it helped prove my thesis much more than my bland commentary did. The evidence laid the foundations for my commentary as well as helped me sound more confident in my writing because I felt I knew what I was talking about.

2024-09-26 03:05:35 UTC

I could have definitely added much more transition words in order to make my essay sound much cleaner.

2024-09-26 03:06:09 UTC

I could have implemented influential people that used freedom of speech to add more applied evidence.

2024-09-26 03:06:21 UTC

"Further, setting high self-standards can cause high anxiety levels."

2024-09-26 03:08:52 UTC

Therefore, it is vital for the preservation of the mental health of every human being on Earth to denormalize unnecessary competitiveness.

2024-09-26 03:08:59 UTC

My evidence is important because it helps support my main statement in the thesis about freedom of speech.

2024-09-26 03:09:34 UTC

I could have added more transition words for the essay to flow more smoothly, as well as stronger vocabulary to really exemplify my points made.

2024-09-26 03:10:30 UTC

In fact, technology has made individuals in society more aware of the world around them, as seen with the riots advocating against hate crime and unjust actions.

2024-09-26 03:11:04 UTC

"If good-paying, stable jobs were more common, less workers would have job insecurity."

2024-09-26 03:12:46 UTC

This range is given due to its availability and influential user count.

2024-09-26 03:13:30 UTC

"While this may sound motivating, setting high expectations for oneself is extremely detrimental."

2024-09-26 03:16:34 UTC

These people are able to freely share their thoughts and perspectives over a common or related theme from across the world which is important as it influenced many global changes.

2024-09-26 03:16:49 UTC

Its no secret that today's world is competitive, from high schoolers competing to get into prestigious universities to workers desperately trying to obtain and maintain jobs.

2024-09-26 03:19:36 UTC

This can provide outside forces to form a deeper connotation and choose the boundaries within freedom of speech.

2024-09-26 03:50:03 UTC

I had a pretty good conclusion.

2024-09-26 03:50:24 UTC

I used evidence from articles and statistical data.

2024-09-26 03:50:48 UTC

I could have added more opinionated examples or examples from more interesting topics.

2024-09-26 04:02:41 UTC

My examples showed the enhancement the economy that is caused by education.

2024-09-26 04:03:17 UTC

I should have commented more instead of just resaying what the evidence was.

2024-09-26 04:04:11 UTC

I could have used stronger verbs and transitions words as well as not repeating myself.

2024-09-26 04:08:45 UTC

"Educated individuals are more likely to research global issues and voice their opinions on them."

2024-09-26 04:08:50 UTC

As a result of his arduous efforts to reinforce his teachings, he strengthens his army's morale and drive towards success.

2024-09-26 04:09:31 UTC

"Furthermore, education impacts society not only economically but also socially."

2024-09-26 04:10:32 UTC

"Communities thrive when they are surrounded by skilled and educated individuals who contribute to maintaining and improving living conditions."

2024-09-26 04:14:27 UTC

She became immensely successful later in life, claiming prestigious titles despite constant discouragement and reminder of her uselessness to the family.

2024-09-26 04:14:45 UTC

"Individuals with higher degrees enjoy greater economic stability than those without."

2024-09-26 04:15:34 UTC

"This contributes to the overall growth and development of society"

2024-09-26 04:16:17 UTC

"Communities with more educated people benefit significantly compared to those with fewer educated."

2024-09-26 04:16:54 UTC

Bean aids Ender Wiggins in realizing that Colonel Graff saw potential in him...

2024-09-26 04:43:49 UTC

"In fact, high self expectations create negative feelings..."

2024-09-26 04:46:06 UTC

And win more votes, which will potentially result in them getting elected.

2024-09-26 04:50:12 UTC

In "The Perils of Indifference" by Elie Wiesel...

2024-09-26 04:50:47 UTC

"First, peoples mental heath has been..."

2024-09-26 04:55:33 UTC

" Classmates had experienced this pressure and.."

2024-09-26 04:57:11 UTC

"Overall, while having high self standards is important, it causes negative effects."

2024-09-26 05:28:56 UTC

First, Humans ability to work together has helped each other...

2024-09-26 05:29:52 UTC

Overall, All of this matters because it shows what humans are able to do...

2024-09-26 05:46:32 UTC

This matters, because it helps us live longer, and evolve, into a better, healthier society.

2024-09-26 05:50:54 UTC

I used better words and commented better than I did other times.

2024-09-26 05:53:32 UTC

I used what the law states as one of my evidence and the government's knowledge.

2024-09-26 05:55:58 UTC

Martin Luther standing up and even going to prison demonstrates his passion...

2024-09-26 05:56:28 UTC

I feel like I could have expressed myself better and could have finished my essay to incorporate better augmentative statements.

2024-09-26 05:57:25 UTC

the american colonies had gone through the enlightenment during the time...

2024-09-26 05:58:53 UTC

to take over the minority which at the time in Germany were the Jews...

2024-09-26 06:00:39 UTC

Similarly, the Germans after WW1 had underwent a crisis...

2024-09-26 06:11:15 UTC

The power and authority given to a single person, comes with consequences such as the abuse of the minority shown in German by Hitler...

2024-09-26 06:41:03 UTC

In contrast having high expectations can damn a person horribly if these said expectations aren't met.

2024-09-26 06:41:21 UTC

In the series, he...

2024-09-26 06:42:43 UTC

It can lead to people having a sense of loss and emotional distress..

2024-09-26 06:50:18 UTC

I have a good argument

2024-09-26 06:50:55 UTC

Civil rights movement and online social media

2024-09-26 06:51:09 UTC

reducing and narrowing my commentary

2024-09-26 06:53:31 UTC

I needed to add more transition words and nlot run on with extra uneccesary evidence

2024-09-26 06:54:34 UTC

connecting freedom of speech wityh instabnces of historical cencorship strenghtened my argument

2024-09-26 06:55:09 UTC

It demonstartes instances of violation of freedom of speech

2024-09-26 06:55:51 UTC

More trnsition words anda greater specification on the period.

2024-09-26 06:56:53 UTC

Misinformation is an unavoidable side effect of freedom of speech.

2024-09-26 06:58:05 UTC

Foremost, freedom of speeech is a right of the people in the united states.

2024-09-26 07:00:31 UTC

Although freedom of speech is beneficial, misuse can often blur the line of ethicality when deciding the limits.

2024-09-26 07:01:51 UTC

On the other hand, cencorship has been the greatest counterpart of freedom of speech.

2024-09-26 14:12:01 UTC

“As a result to his actions……”

2024-09-26 16:13:53 UTC

His values, ethics, and intentions led him to be elected as the first leader of the United States.

2024-09-26 16:14:46 UTC

This is relevant to the present because we now live in a time where some just want to get by instead of fulfilling their potential.

2024-09-26 21:03:54 UTC

I had a good base argument and a well written thesis and closing statement

2024-09-26 21:07:14 UTC

I used science to display evidence in my essay

2024-09-26 21:10:00 UTC

I would have been able to have a more well rounded argument if I was able to supply more evidence

also by not being so repetitive with my words,and sentences.

2024-09-26 21:30:55 UTC

One result of my evidence was my evidence gave me the ability to advance my paragraphs

2024-09-26 21:31:19 UTC

Through evidence I was also able to add better commentary

2024-09-26 21:32:36 UTC

Evidence is important because it helps make your argument truthful.

2024-09-27 15:54:19 UTC

Similarly, in which results in history...

2024-09-27 15:55:12 UTC

On a similar note there is a decrease...

2024-09-27 15:59:23 UTC

...education will lessen perpetually.

2024-09-27 18:37:02 UTC

I did well on my conclusion paragraph and on pulling out evidence that relates to the topic.

2024-09-27 18:40:00 UTC

I used three well-known movies such as Wonder, Cars 3, and The Hunger Games.

2024-09-27 18:42:13 UTC

I could have been more balanced with my evidence and my commentary. As well as being more clear with my thesis.

2024-09-27 18:46:04 UTC

My commentary explains to the reader what my evidence is referring to. Although I could have added more to my commentary to make it more clear.

2024-09-27 18:48:35 UTC

I could have explained what my commentary leads to, in order to make it longer. This will also make it more balanced with my evidence.

2024-09-27 18:50:44 UTC

My evidence was important because it was clear enough so that the reader can see the situation in their head, and be able to connect the evidence to my topic.

2024-09-27 18:53:07 UTC

I could have made better use of transition words, as well as using words that are stronger and not repeating my words so much.

2024-09-27 18:57:29 UTC

"This is important as the more we help others, it will continue to influence people to do the same back and in that way society will be stronger."

2024-09-27 18:58:50 UTC

"More people are able to reach their goals when someone, or multiple people, are there to help them when they need a boost."

2024-10-02 04:59:08 UTC

I did well on starting my paragraphs and balancing it all well.

2024-10-02 05:01:01 UTC

I did it well only that I kept using "he" instead of "they."

2024-10-02 05:04:13 UTC

My evidence is important because it supports my thesis and my main argument very well. It supports my argument through every evidence.

2024-10-02 05:06:24 UTC

I could have used "they" more than "he" and I could have added better transition words.

2024-10-02 05:07:37 UTC

"Also have an involvement to society's level of knowledge."

2024-10-02 05:08:40 UTC

"....they believe it is best or otherwise for our society."

2024-10-02 05:09:45 UTC

"....education must be brought to minors daily lives."

2024-10-02 05:10:36 UTC

"They control taxes and many situations involving money."

2024-10-02 05:12:23 UTC

"....mostly negatively affected without intelligent individuals."