About not being friends with hunter---- Why can’t this be easy ?? it should be easy , but I feel like either way im'ma end up hurt ☹

 To be honest , i'm still caught up in how you can lose feelings for someone like that…I re-read every email, from the beginning, there was so sign that he wasn’t interested,,,I had no idea, when he wrote me that break-up note it was like a bomb drop outta no-where………..i just don’t understand. I don’t believe he could act That good……….:( can he ? And then on top of all that, after everthing…just act like it never happened, and like everything is fine……like it never existed….it just baffels me ☹ im sorry .

And it botheres me, how he can talk all that shit he was saying after being so sweet to me while I was with him, I just don’t understand it and itdrivres me bonkers. 😔

 

and then after the argument, my 10 yr old sister was so mad that she tried forcing huge ass pieces of ice into a small ass cup, and ended up breaking the glass, and we took care of it. and then my stepmom got home, and im always scared to be here when she’s home. and she was bitchy, so we didn't tell her anything , except that my lil sis broke the glass, then later on she questioned us about why Erika was so mad enough to be so forceful ( but she also has major anger issues )  because she was already mad, the fact that Erika can't wait til Im shipped off and she is the only child, and how her life sucks and for some reason they started physically fighting, I had to physically pull my 10 year old sister off of my 13 yr old sister , 
and then the 13 year old grabs a knife putting it up to her throat and saying " if you want me gone that badly, ill leave rn "and I took it away and put it back and they continued to argue 

then after my step got home and questioned us , I ended up telling her, and my lil sis begged me not to and I got yelled at because I didn't call her to come home while it happened so she flipped out on me calling me irresponsible but the way she's been treating me, can u blame me for not wanting to call her, and it was a hard situation for me to be in , since I do suffer from deppression and suicidal idealizations, a lot, I have severe depression.  I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t think of calling her first, I just wanted to make sure that my little sister was safe and out of harm to herself. I didn't think of calling her, i wanted to get away the weapon. I don't think I'm wrong for that, 
why would I tell her if she always get mad at me and blames me for everything that goes wrong every time I try to talk to her she gets mad at me and blames me for the problems here in the household, instead of worrying about why I'm sad she tells me to be happy without even worrying why I'm upset, just expects me to act all fine, she blames my sisters fighting on me, anything that goes wrong in the house, im the first one that she comes too, to complain , to ask what I did wrong, and attacks me verbally as to why it has to be my fault. and even makes comments like " this never happened before you came to live with us", she says it so much to me ie become used to the fact that ill never be good enough or anyone or anything, and that I guess im just a whole big whoping disappointment. Im used to hearing that from people now, they’ve given up on me and I literally feel alone. I know I have you and a few other people, but I also kind of don’t, you don’t all see what happens outside of school, things are difffernt. In school, I know I come off different, I seem confident and I put on a smile and a brave face, because I don’t want my problems to follow me in the only place that I feel safe and that I can be myself and know that I have people who support me, but im not like that here, im sad and I feel like that all the time. 

 I cant handle this kind of stress anymore.  I hate it here. Im about to put myself out of it istg.  I have no one outside of school, I would if I was actually allowed to do stuff, and I I didn’t get grounded for the stupidest shit. Im hella stressed, im failing my classes, im depressed, I hate life, im going thru a lot rn, and its hard holding it all together. Im tired. I cant do this anymore, I give up. I give up on everything and everyone and myself . I don’t want anything anymore. ☹ I legit feel dead inside.  Its my fault Im failing so bad though, I lost motivation to do my work. Everythignis stressignme out, I wanna scream, I wanna pull out my hair, I swear im going insane. ☹ but im trying my best to be ok when im not. i have no motivation to do anything anymore, I barely smile,and I cant fucking eat. And I can’t sleep ,and the lack of it is killing me on the inside. Music is the only thing that can meke me feel anything anymore. Honestly sometimes I struggle with things cus I always feel alone, and when I don’t I worry that the things ive been thru will show thru myself and taint those people that I let get involved in my life. Sometimes I really think im better off alone and unloved. I lack the basic motivation needed for anything. I really put too much pressure on myself. Im just at the point where im ready to give everything up and stop trying for anything. It doesn’t make me happy , in-fact I feel nothing at all. And people don’t get that. My family doesn’t even get me. I feel outcast no-matter where I am . except when im with my friends. I don’t talk to many people about these kinds of feelings ) have you ever felt your heart breaking in your chest. Like I legit feel sharp pains in my chest and my breathing is labored and every breathe hurts to take, I feel like there is legit a hole in my chest, like an empty blank space. It feels so empty, but like there’s sharp pieces of glass cracking and spreading across my chest, and it hurts so bad that I cry until all I can do is barley stand and I struggle to breath. It hurts that bad that it brings me to my knees. I feel like I should be used to this kind of pain, it’s always like this. I legit have beasts in my head, I’m legit so fucked up from the things I’ve gone thru ,living is hard for me, every moment of every day. I just feel un-content and like there’s nothing for me.  It hurts so bad that my stomach clenches with anxiety and I can feel acid in my throat. I shake ad hear ringing  in my ears I really zone out and start tearing up. I legit eel like sometimes my pain is driving me crazy, and I have no control over it. this is who I really am , I know I seem so smart and well put together and cool and calm , but I’m a raging storm headed nowhere ,I’m simply lost looking for a home, and somewhere where I can feel content with myself. And its only getting worse. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I legit feel so beaten and defeated.

Its at the point where I can’t even cry about it as much as I feel the need to cry. I always feel this way. Imagine having thoughts and feelings like that all the time all day and dreams about it , I can’t even escape the reality I live, I have to have night-terrors too. and flashbacks are a normal ocurrance for me . sometimes ill get dizzy and pass out from stress too. and I’ve had medications prescribed but nothing worked for me, I had a cheek swab done to find out why and it turns out its cus of the type of alles and such all them medical things that we get from our parents , not only do I have a  high chance to become addicted , I also don’t have the alles needed to break down medications in my system. Soi have no help in what im going thru.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost. I don’t know what I did to be in this situation. Im trying my best, but my best isn’t good enough ☹