• First, think about a tone you want your narrative to convey: cheerful, inspirational, humorous, lighthearted, somber, etc. Write down the tone you want to convey.

• Next, read the introductory and conclusion paragraphs from your personal narrative and list any verbs and adjectives from those paragraphs.

• Then, look up the verbs and adjectives you listed in the dictionary and consider the following questions:  

  • Do they convey the tone you want them to?

  • Can you change any of them to make them more precise? Which ones?

• After exploring the above questions, rewrite either your intro or conclusion to convey a specific tone. Post your rewritten paragraph to this station.

For each paragraph in your draft, complete the following:

• In one sentence, summarize the key event, moment, or reflection in this paragraph.

  • Example: "This paragraph describes the moment I walked into the classroom on my first day at a new school."

• In another sentence, explain what this part of your story is meant to reveal about your experience, identity, feelings, or growth.

  • Example: "This paragraph should help the reader understand how nervous and out of place I felt at the time."

• Post your reverse outline to this station and answer the following questions (include these in your post as well): 

  • What can you get rid of?

  • Where are you repeating yourself? 

  • How can you make the purpose of your paragraphs clearer?

• What does it look like? (color, shape, resemblance to anything else)

• What does it sound like?

• What does it feel like? (texture, material)

• What does it smell like?

Go back into your draft and revise that scene using your new sensory sentence or the language you've developed above. Post your revised scene to this station when you're done.

• First, identify a trait you want to show (e.g., confident, shy, impatient, kind):

• Next, write 2–3 “showing” sentences that reveal this trait through one or more of the following:

  • Speech: What do they say?

  • Thoughts: What do they think?

  • Effect on others: How do people respond to them?

  • Actions: What do they do?

  • Looks: What do they look like?

Return to your draft and revise the relevant paragraph by replacing “telling” with “showing” sentences like these. Post your revised paragraph to this station.

Karissa Fisher

I don’t long for my old life anymore like I once did. My desire for peace, purpose, and knowledge outweigh that immeasurably. I feel as if I’ve been blessed with a new life. I’m sober, back in school, and pursuing a purposeful career in nuclear medicine. I never expected to find such clarity. A simple classroom lesson sparked my interest in nuclear medicine came to me out of the blue but all I knew was it felt right. It started a passion I never knew was there. That moment my life changed overnight. I now saw a future with endless purpose and the chance to make a difference. Every struggle, every moment lived, even the most unexpected small moments, has brought me to where I am today and today’s moments define tomorrow’s. Knowing this has helped with resilience. We are not defined by our mistakes, only how and what we learn from them. I now live with gratitude and humble strength that continues to grow every day.

Paragraph 2: This paragraph describes losing my brother and how that moment divided my life. It shows grief leading to change.

Paragraph 3: This paragraph shows how I tried to rebuild my life. It shows my attempt to escape through distractions.

Paragraph 4: This paragraph describes realizing that balance wasn’t enough. It shows my turning point.

Paragraph 5: This paragraph ends with finding peace and purpose through school and a new career path. It reveals how I learned resilience and gratitude.

What can I get rid of? Some of the nightlife details repeat the same idea and could be shortened.
Where am I repeating myself? I mention emptiness a few times that can be combined..
How can I make the purpose clearer? By adding a short reflection at the end of each section showing how every event goes back to growth after tragedy.

Conclusion paragraph:

I was not good at structuring dialogue, or even getting past the first three pages of a story, but my passion for screenwriting was there, and I knew that this was the right direction for me. I knew that with the proper dedication I could improve and get past that first stage. It brought me back to endless late nights in my room, my strained eyes trying their hardest to stay open, just so I did not fall asleep and lose any good ideas. The more I tinkered with the basics, the more I learned about the creative freedom that came with writing this way. I did not have to follow a set of rules, I could write things my own way. This realization made me learn that as bad as I was at the fundamentals of screenwriting, it was a big interest of mine and something that I would want to continue doing in the future.

1st paragraph verbs and adjectives  

Grew, old, full, buzzing, follow, arrival, raised, same, small, subdivided, built, small, decorating, plowed, read, heirloom, wooden, dark, oiled, touch, play, brought, barreled, leaping, touching, temporarily, made, smelling, thin, stale, swallow. 

1^st paragraph with adjectives and verbs revised for tone  

I was raised in a traditional farmhouse that echoed with family history and trembled persistently under the footsteps of overlapping generations of inhabitants. To me, my home life was as classic American as it got... My mom’s side of the family can trace ancestry back to their debut in the New World in the 1620s.  My brother and I were the 7^th generation of decedents under the same roof in the rural outskirts of a small town in the rolling green hills of Western Pennsylvania.  What had been a family farm was subdivided by my grandfather and transformed into a little neighborhood of about fifteen homes with amazing self-taught ingenuity.  There were arrowheads shaped from locally found chert decorating the red brick fireplace, found when the farm fields were originally plowed. My grandma would recite poetry and frequently quote classic literature and the bible from her seat on an heirloom wooden rocking chair; it’s smooth dark arms thickly oiled with the consistent contact of decades of family hands. By memory she would casually perform Moonlight Sonata on her mother’s Steinway grand piano brought from her childhood home, as we kids barreled up and down stairs, leaping with abandon from bed to banister to sofa, over or around people and abundant breakables to avoid the perilous act of contact with the floor (which of course temporarily consisted of deadly molten lava).  I remember climbing into her bed in the late morning; the light shining in thin beams from around the edges of the thickly woven navy curtains, and the combined aroma of hair gel she used to pin up her thin curls overnight and stale bread she kept on a clawfoot bedside table to help her swallow her pills during the night. 

"With this activity out of the way, and our competitive nature still
not quelled, our excitement took us to the stream that ran at the lowest point of my Na'na's side
yard, elderberry, and lanky elm trees lined the stream, wide enough to host a sizeable leaf race.
in which we would create our own leaf naval vessel and have them head off in a race of the ages.
we would drop them all at the same time at the mouth of the water culvert wich fed the stream,
them follow our racer with cheers and cries depending on our homemade vessel's performance.
The race would end once our leaves entered into the thick blackberry bramble that swallowed the
stream into itself, where we would loose sight of our leaves and where the stream went."

Revised:

With this activity out of the way, and our competitive nature still
not quelled, our excitement took us to the cool, shaded, and calm flowing stream that ran at the lowest point of my Na'na's side
yard. The water's path exited the mouth of the eculvert pipe, down into a small pool, before making a brisk movement across the stream pebbles and rocks, until it met a tall thick thorny bramble. The smell of damp leaves and dark, rich soil would find its way into our nostrils here, and occasionally mixed with the scent of honeysuckle from the flowers that grew on the chain fence on the opposite side of the stream. The nice cool shade that blanketed the stream was thanks to the hard work of the elderberry, and lanky elm trees lined the stream. With this stream at our disposal, we would create our own leaf naval vessel and have them head off in a race of the ages. We would enter into the stream space, stepping on the dry, crinkly elm leaves, which would save our feet from the cold, saturated, soft mud below. Scrounging for peices of bark, twigs, and freshly fallen leaves, to make a hull, mast, and sail. with our ships built we would drop them all at the same time at the mouth of the culvert, follow our race boat with either cheers or cries depending on our homemade vessel's performance. Coming to a halt once our leaves entered into the thick, deep, and dark blackberry bramble that swallowed both the stream an our boats.

-Andreas Salerno

Getting long. Does it overshadow other parts of the short story? 

The 2^nd paragraph describes my dad's upbringing and shows the difference between my parents  

The 3^rd paragraph describes realizing that my race would make people approach me with some assumptions or misconceptions.  

Needs added dialogue and visual descriptions  

The 4^th paragraph describes my anger and frustration at being pigeonholed 

This paragraph should maybe be tied into the previous because a transition is needed  

The 5^th paragraph talks about gaining appreciation for my differences 

This paragraph and #6 should possibly be switched because the tone shifts to a more positive one and I think the following paragraph is more transitional  

The 6^th paragraph mentions getting to travel to Japan and finding love and comfort in something I had resisted 

Connect sensory detail description with what feelings it evoked. Switch with par. 5 

The 7^th paragraph details my gained confidence and changed perspective 

Make sure to tie up any themes that were mentioned and make sure it has a balanced feel to the beginning. Does it wrap up too quickly?

The 8^th paragraph is a quick quip to depict that although I still experience irritating interactions I have the ability to make my point without getting angry.  

Dont know if I should omit. Maybe snarky sounding and contradicts the tone of the ending 

Introductory paragraph verbs: grew up, considered, started, annoy, and starting to see. Conclusion paragraph: made me realize, wanted to go, and attend school.

Introductory paragraph adjectives: older, younger, five of six, serious, more aware and noticed by older siblings. Conclusion paragraph adjectives: possibilities are endless, made me realize, and straight out of high school.

According to the dictionary, the conclusion gave almost the imprint of inspirational towards the end. The introductory paragraph gave more informational instead of lighthearted. For me I went ahead and changed a little bit of the conclusion I am still trying to figure out a better introduction. My new conclusion paragraph reads as: “In that moment; I realized that I did in fact want to go to college. I was unsure about my path after high school, but seeing her (my older sister) that that opportunity straight out of school showed me that possibilities are truly endless. I had a new motivation to keep pushing forward for myself.”

Original:

"With nothing but the most loving respect in the world, I can say that Na'na was considered an old
woman, before I was born,she was considered getting up there in age when my parents met. This
wasn't something I ever registered as a kid, nothing at 6 years old allowed me the appifany of
how special and rare it was, that I got the opportunity to both regularly visit and hangout with not
just my great grandmother, but also my great grandaunt, my grandmother, my grandaunt, and
actually all of my cousins (2nd, and 3rd as well) on a near daily basis. When I was a child I didn't
have friends, I didn't need to, everything I needed was at my Na'na's house, food, friends, and
play."

revised:

With nothing but the dearest respect to my great grandmother, I need to let you know that my Na'na was old. Before I was born, she was considered "getting up there in age". This wasn't something I ever registered as a kid, nothing at 6 years old allowed me the appifany of
how memorable and priceless it would be for me now as a young adult, that I got the opportunity to both regularly visit and hang out with not just my great grandmother. But also my great grandaunt, my grandmother, my grandaunt, and my cousins. All my cousins, 2nd and 3rd included. On a near daily basis. When I was a child I didn't
have friends, I didn't need to, everything I needed was at my Na'na's house, food, friends, and
play.

-Andreas Salerno

The first time I stepped foot at the UCLA campus, I was blown away. I was not prepared how massive the buildings looked like in person. I felt quite small as they towered over me, in their red-orange bricks. The warm spring sun shining down on them making them almost glow. Each building was different from the other, they had their own personality. Something about old buildings always fascinated me, it was like walking through history. The buildings stood for nearly a century at the time I laid my eyes on them. As I stepped foot inside the smell of fresh coffee, old books, freshly polished wood, and newly printed paper filled the air. As the students entered the classrooms the doors would creak and the desk would scratch the floor giving off a screeching noise that would echo in the small quiet classroom. You could run your fingers on the wooden desk trace the designs with your fingers feeling the smooth and rough parts of the old wood on the tip on your finger prints, and feel the presence of the students that came before. 

Paragraph 2: This paragraph describes how during covid and some personal problems. I had lost my passion for a lot of things including reading but after gaining the motivation to do it again I began to fall back into it. This is meant to show change and how even though some bad things may happen in life it doesn't outweigh the good ones and not to let bad things ruin your good ones.

Paragraph 3: My journey afterwards and now. It talks about after covid and how I still like reading even today it shows my feelings for reading still haven't wavered and I still very much enjoy it.

Somethings that I am repeating are certain words I can change this by substituting them out with synonyms.

I could make my last paragraph have more detail and explain the purpose on where I am at now in my life.

Paragraph 2: In this paragraph, I write about the activities and games me and my cousins would play routinely in my Na'na's yard. This is to give the readers a look into my child hood in hopes to make them understand and see why it is a place that I hold dear to me.

Paragraph 3: In this paragraph I talk about my cousins and I's scramble to lunch, as well as touch on the adults, and the house itself. In this paragraph I look to conclude this small snapshot, which is to give readers an idea of what made this childhood home so special.

Although the fondness for the games I player are all to be cherished, I can cut out the portion about hide and seek, and a sentence here and there about "pomegranite ball", as it already makes the point of the other two games I write about, which is that we got up to all sorts of fun games when at Na'na's. It also takes away space to write about the house its self, its interior/exterior. The ultimate point I try to make by the end of the third paragraph, comes a bit quick and not much related preamble. I think that dedicating a small paragraph to the purpose of the narrative in general, which is the influence that my na'na's house had on me, would do well for the narrative as a whole.

-Andreas Salerno

Paragraph 1: This paragraph describes where I was and how I ultimately felt after receiving the news of my grandmother's passing. This paragraph should help readers understand the magnitude this tragedy effected my motivations. I could get rid of mentioning that I had just visited my siblings. I can make my purpose clear by re-writing the last two sentences, providing more context the effects the event had on my writing.

Paragraph 2: This paragraph is providing background about where my love for writing originated, and how it blossomed. I could get rid of the word "gratification" because it made no difference after the traumatic event.

Paragraph 3: This paragraph describes how I created the work that changed my life, leading up to the traumatic event that further altered my life. This should help the reader understand how I wrote amid personal struggles, and the outcome was one to be shared and celebrated.

Paragraph 4: This paragraph describes some of the lyrics I've written and how they are connected to my feelings. This should help the reader understand the transition and connection between paragraph 3 and 4. I could mention what movies my grandmother introduced me to that inspired what I wrote, and how it made me feel pulling ideas from them.

Paragraph 5: This paragraph describes how my victory was short-lived, I lost motivation and eventually realized that I had to write to get it back. I could omit the mentioning of losing my job, car, etc. Now it seems like unnecessary and redundant information.

Paragraph 6: This paragraph describes the epiphany that I had. It details what I've realized about myself as a person and writer. I could add more sensory details in the conclusion.