Your existence will be an odd and painful combination of pleasure and sadness. You will go through a living nightmare with regards to your health. You'll have a disease that will cause you pain every single day. Coping with it will be difficult, but the dust of that journey will reveal the greater aspects of your personality and discover that modeling is not the only good thing you can do. You will not be able to avoid the experience because you received this letter from me. We are all meant to fulfill a part in life. Me, making this letter confirms that some situations are unavoidable, even when you are aware of them ahead of time.

You've reached an age where your career, getting married, and the stress of adult life seems a long way off. You haven't yet experienced the exhilaration that comes with adolescence. Mom will have a difficult marriage but that’s okay, you, her, and your sister will push through. What you witness in mom (healthwise) will foreshadow your own- (yes, vertigo and difficulty walking will get you too haha). There will be events in your life that people will covet while you are witnessing her sufferings- don’t mind them, they're not worth your time. 

In high school, you'll be popular for the wrong reasons. You'll be pushed around corridors, get bullied, you’ll lose your closest friends and you’ll become academically challenged due to your health. On the bright side, you’ll win the city’s annual declamation contest (2 times!) as well as represent your whole district at the 2016 Batalympics Scrabble competition and will finish at 3rd place. Most importantly, you’ll be able to find a gem. He’ll be with you through your darkest times so try to be nice to him. His name is Khyle- your high school life’s blessing.

Your passion for writing will be a lighthouse guiding you throughout your college applications. Your beliefs as well as perseverance will help you get through the difficult days and eventually you’ll pick UP-Baguio to be your home for four years. You'll have a tough time picking what you will be in the future but eventually, you’ll decide to be a Doctor. You'll learn about yourself in a way that few people do. As a result, you'll grow in knowledge and wisdom, and you'll be a blessing to everyone around you. 

Cristina, no dream is too high for anyone. If you can't reach it, grab a ladder. If you still can’t, mountain climb it, for every dream is worth the risk. 

I know you’ll do good 🙂 Keep safe and healthy.

Always with love,

Cristina Kate S. Cruz, MD

Of course, I knew that it wasn’t a big deal, so I only did what I could. With my imagination, my childhood self was consoled at the thought that I could make my own definition of my name. Back then, it felt like an empowering “I can form my own identity” Disney moment. Now that I’m all grown up, I find amusement (maybe a little bit of cringe too) in this memory, but I also feel gratitude towards my past self for being one of the reasons why I’ve come to love the originality of my name. When I think of my name, I think of everything about me. My traits, my thoughts, my personality, my values, my face.

A face I see in the mirror or in pictures (mostly selfies or group photos, as I’m often too shy to ask others to take pictures of me).

This is actually one of the few pictures where I didn’t strike my default pose, a peace sign (usually in front of my face). Still, I like how I look here. My smile’s genuine, and seeing this selfie didn’t make me want to immediately delete the photo and take a new one. It’s one where I’m happy and content, free from the overwhelming anxieties and insecurities.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I am hoping that there are more moments like this one, where I’m relaxed and content. One where I’m appreciating the positive aspects of myself as I acknowledge the traits that I could change for my own improvement. Hopefully one where I’m looking out for my own wellbeing too.

Applying a bit more self-love and self care,

Ciaria

P.S. Mom, if you ever see this, I just wanna let you know that I found three other Ciarias on Facebook. None of them have our surnames and my second name though, so you can still be proud of my name’s uniqueness, I guess haha

Writing my caption reminded me of something our instructor in Grammatical Theories mentioned in one of our class lectures: “You’re not called your name because it’s your name, but because it’s who you are.” I liked the idea since it helped me acknowledge that despite all the changes I went through, who I was in the past is still a part of who I have become in the present. 

 

A friend asked me about my phone case and when I told her that the design was related to an anime I loved back in high school, she was surprised that I was still a fan of it. I asked her why she would think of it as unexpected, and she replied with “dati kasi ang bilis mo makalabas ng fandom”, which made me realize that before this, I didn’t really think much about how long I was dedicated to something I found interesting. I mean, there are still instances where I can get over something fandom-related quickly, but I guess it’s nice to realize that there’s something I can be emotionally invested in for over three years.

 

I remember my mom once asking me why I often posed for pictures with gestures (peace signs, finger hearts, etc.) that covered a part of my face. I told her “gusto ko lang” and though that was true, I knew that another reason was that I had a few insecurities back then. All the negative connotations in the remarks from my relatives and peers on my physical traits had a huge impact on my past self’s confidence, and I know that influence cannot be undone overnight, however I’m still proud of myself for trying to overcome it. Now I can honestly say that posing that way has become a habit (I do find it hard to break, especially the use of peace signs) rather than a way to hide, but I am aware that my confidence needs more work. Although I’m fine with taking selfies and group photos with my friends, I sometimes find myself being too shy to ask others to take a solo picture of me when I go to a place with a nice setting for a background.

 

I’ve mentioned in my caption that I do not know what the future has in store for me, and it’s honestly one of the things that make me anxious. However, I know that the world waits for no one, and that if I wish to reach my goals, I’d have to bravely face the future, no matter what it holds. I may not know what my future is, but I do hope that I’ve learned to be a little kinder to myself by then.

Goffman gave us a framework. How do we present ourselves to our audiences, to the people we meet, to people we are comfortable with, and most especially, to ourselves.

He gave us a theatre; a front stage and a backstage.

My profile emphasizes the importance of impression management, that it’s not necessarily bad or pretentious. It’s just the way we are when we adapt to a nature or environment that we’re not that immersed with yet.

Although I cannot assure the complete balance in my own tripartite dimensions of the self, I know that as I go on, I learn to manage myself better. I know I have problems with my superiority complex, that I can be sometimes narcissistic, or even the fact that sometimes, I can’t help but please the people around me. But even so, I make sure not to neglect my spiritual self through introspection, just like I did in my caption.

That way, from social interactions, from self-awareness and consciousness, I can internalize these and contribute, as well as immerse them to my own identity.