Finding Myself by Sai Barnett

The Realization

mbarn9_ — 2023-11-30 05:43:53 UTC

I had my first kiss when I was the ripe age of 9 and playing house with other children I knew. During that game I was kissed by a girl and I realized I felt something. After that I didn't pay too much attention about "crushes" I had on other girls ... until 6th grade. I started to see other girls differently and "came out" to my friends who of course were very accepting. I never acted on any of these impulses because nobody else around me had these feelings. Funnily enough my gender performance didn't fit the norm and I got questioned frequently if I was gay. It was all because I liked to wear fitted caps, "boy" shirts, and jeans instead of dresses and the color pink. In high school was when I first got close to dating two girls, but that didn't work out. It sucked really bad because to me I felt like am I meant to be with girls? One night I did end up slipping up to my mom which let to me ..

.. Coming Out

mbarn9_ — 2023-11-30 05:45:12 UTC

I was riding home in the car with my mom just talking without thinking. All I remember was saying was "she" and I just froze. My brain couldn't function properly, imagine being raised as Christian your entire life then letting it slip you like women. I wasn't sure how my mom felt about the LGBTQIA+ community. My grandparents were very adamant about how they felt about homosexuality.

While we were in the car my mom didn't really say anything after that, but once we arrived home she came in my room. Still not being sure how she would feel I just burst out into tears and told her I was talking to a girl. She was so upset and confused as to why I was crying and told me that she loved me regardless. It felt good to be accepted by her, but unfortunately I knew I couldn't tell anyone else.

Am I Confused?

mbarn9_ — 2023-11-30 05:45:36 UTC

When I got to college I got to experience so much. Not having to worry about my Christianity as traumatic, I felt that I could still embrace it while being who I was. My religion caused for me to not be able to truly embrace myself out of fear of not being accepted by my grandparents (who I've lived with forever). During the time at my first college I realized I had no feelings for men. There was a reason for that, but that reason led me to my ex girlfriend. That was the first time I had real intimacy with another woman. The thought of men completely vanished from my mind and I honestly thought something was wrong with me. How could I no longer like men and only women? Am I a lesbian? Has my trauma inflicted a shield over my sexuality or is this real? I wasn't sure until I came back home during winter break of my freshman year that led into the pandemic. Starting to heal from my horrible break up I reconnected with someone who always encouraged me to be myself.

The Exploration

mbarn9_ — 2023-11-30 05:46:10 UTC

During my healing I ended up going through something that sent my mental health into a deep downward spiral. I missed a lot of time from school, at the time I was doing online for NIU. One class that I was taking really introduced me to being non-binary and all the different sexual orientations truly. I did more "researching" on Tiktok, but I mainly used google. Reading up on being non-binary everything finally clicked for me. I didn't feel that being labeled as female fit me, but male didn't make sense to me. Unfortunately I didn't feel that I could tell other people as my thoughts were "they wouldn't understand me". The following year (2021) I found the courage to tell my close friends. They were completely understanding, but my boyfriend at the time was very confused and that caused a rift being us. It took some time and informing for him to understand that I wasn't saying I wanted to be a male, but I just didn't feel that I fit the standards of a "normal" woman.

The Erotic

mbarn9_ — 2023-11-30 05:46:19 UTC

This year has shown me so much about myself. I've finally learned that I don't have to have to label nor come out with my sexuality if I don't want to. I'm now okay with any pronouns being used towards me! Without this class I'm not too sure if I would have been able to not only learn more about myself, but also embrace myself with full power. Still healing, but doing it while feeling like the true me.