Understanding Asexuality and Aromanticism: My Experience by Alyssa Sierra

My Earliest Memory

asierr20_ — 2023-12-05 21:18:32 UTC

One of my earliest memories goes back all the way to kindergarten when I told my mom I held hands with a boy in my class that I had a crush on, despite not knowing his name. It only took me several years to realize that I didn't have any feelings for this boy. I simply told my mom I had a crush on him because that's how it was supposed to be: girls were supposed to like boys. Once I reached high school I realized I never had any feelings for that boy in kindergarten or any feelings for anyone period. It seemed everyone around me felt some sort of attraction towards other and I got worried, thinking maybe something was wrong or maybe the right person hadn't come around yet. Deciding to look into this more online that's when I discovered the terms asexual and aromantic.

What Does Aro/Ace Even Mean?

asierr20_ — 2023-12-05 21:19:08 UTC

Aro/Ace is an abbreviation used for aromantic and asexual. asexual is a sexual orientation that is used to refer to someone who feels little to no sexual attraction to anyone while an aromantic refers to someone who feels little to no romantic feelings. Asexuality and aromanticism is a spectrum, meaning that some people who identify as Asexual may still feel sexual attraction, but it may be to a smaller degree. The same can apply to being aromantic and romantic feelings. Some people can identify as both asexual and aromantic or only identify with one or the other.

Wrong in The Eyes of Heteronormativity

asierr20_ — 2023-12-05 21:55:09 UTC

Remember how I pretended to have a crush on that boy in kindergarten because at the time I thought girls were supposed to like boys? I had this notion hammered into my head as a young kid because of Heteronormativity. Heteronormativity is cultural assumptions that are deeply rooted in our society that frames heterosexual relationships and sex as the "norm". Heteronormativity also pushes for traditional gender norms. Anything outside of traditional gender norms and heterosexual relationships is viewed as "abnormal" or "incorrect". Heteronormativity also leads to people assuming that a person is straight until proven otherwise. Heteronormativity pushes that men and women are supposed to have feelings for each other, both romantic and sexual. This is what led me to believe that I was supposed to like a boy and that feeling no attraction whatsoever wasn't normal.

Harmful Stereotypes and Myths

asierr20_ — 2023-12-05 22:01:52 UTC

Heteronormativity causes sexualities that aren't heterosexual to be heavily judged and misrepresented to make heterosexuality look better in comparison to other sexualities. This has resulted in the creation of harmful myths and stereotypes about people who identify as asexual and aromantic to belittle and devalue these experiences and feelings that go against Heteronormativity. These myths and stereotypes spread the idea that asexual people are childish, immature, and late bloomers, framing asexuality and aromanticism as a phase or as labels that only childish or confused people use to discredit them as being real labels and to push heterosexuality as the "real" or "correct" label that people should use instead. These myths and stereotypes can also spread the harmful notion that asexual and aromantic people are broken and unnatural, completely dehumanizing asexual and aromantic people. I've dealt with these myths and stereotypes after I came out as Aro/Ace, having people tell me I haven't found the right person and that my sexuality wasn't real.

Acceptance: My Queer Desire

asierr20_ — 2023-12-06 21:03:07 UTC

Constantly hearing people both in real life and online shut down my identity as Aro/Ace made me feel extremely insecure about my labels, even though I resonated with them. The final straw was seeing an extremely harmful myth online that asexual people can't be considered LGBTQ+ because asexual people cannot feel anything. Although I knew in my heart I was Aro/Ace, I felt I didn't have a community. My identity wasn't seen valid in heteronormative or queer spaces. It wasn't until I took GWS 203 that I finally felt seen and validated after years of identifying as Aro/Ace. I've even found out through this class about a book where the main character is asexual, Loveless, when I've gone years without seeing any Aro/Ace representation in any media. The extreme joy I felt from being seen and accepted was a type of joy I never felt before. I reflected on this joy and realized I had fulfilled my queer desire, which I wasn't even aware that I wanted until it finally happened. All these years I wanted to be accepted in a public space and I finally achieved that. Now I have this confidence and pride in my Aro/Ace identity that I'm never going to let go of.