Whenever the topic of race is mentioned in conversations, I keep quiet and listen to the experiences and topics of the conversations. 

I would never contribute my input to these conversations because I knew I would get weird looks or the people would laugh, silently judging me for not knowing the answers, and that was just who those people were. 

• It impacted my psyche because I would always think too much about my questions, thinking about the different outcomes someone would say in response to my questions. 

Even though I am comfortable talking in smaller groups when the groups get larger and the people there are unknown (like in class when we talked about our readings), I get scared to talk because ‘what if I said something offensive?’ because I am not well versed in the topic. 

• But also, that is my own downfall because I need to ask questions to become well-versed, but then I get in my head and get scared to talk. 

Although I may not remember much of my childhood, I know that I would, and still do, go to my sisters to explain and provide clear information about this topic.

• Because I knew she was a safe place, I would and still do go to her when I wanted to be educated on topics that could become ‘controversial.’ 

As time goes by, the people I would turn to to answer questions that can be deemed ‘controversial’ have grown, into my father, stepmother, teachers, and multiple friends. 

Depending on the subjects, I would also turn to my father and stepmother. 

• I would ask them questions about the different government actions and can follow with these specific actions. 

• I would also love to talk to them about music and different rapers songs, as they both don’t enjoy listening to men objectifying women in their songs, and these topics in songs are widespread now. 

• Also how rappers also present themselves. As we used to live close to Oakland and Downtown San Francisco, they have very interesting comments on the lack of belts and the abundance of boxers.  

In high school, my sociology and history teacher was another person I would go to to have specific questions answered. 

• I would ask him specific questions about current issues, such as the removal of Confederate monuments or the erasing of slavery as the reasoning behind the Civil War.

• This would give me another point of view, a historian’s point of view. 

I would also turn to one of my friends who is going into pre-law. I would almost always ask him questions about the government, especially when Trump was elected this year. 

• Because he was a well-informed Republican, I felt very comfortable going to him for specific questions to fact-check all the other information my democratic friends had been saying. We have talked about the DEI programs that have been shut down, as well as the investigations that have been happening throughout college campuses for racial discrimination. 

There have been a few other friends about whom I feel comfortable asking certain questions, but I also know that these friends look at different news sources to get a better understanding and a somewhat unbiased idea of what is happening in the country and world.

I have tried to get out of that mindset more recently, and I seek out more information whenever I’m surrounded by people I know won’t judge me. I feel comfortable in multicultural settings.

• If there is a slight pause in the conversation, I would provide specific questions to keep the person talking about their experiences. 

  • For example, when my friend was in Ramadan, I would ask him different questions about the holiday, the specific types of foods he was allowed to eat, the foods he was not allowed to eat, and the particular phrases and meanings of each of these phrases. 

However, I am still slightly uncomfortable when I get asked my own opinions because I am white. 

• I almost feel that I am trying to be tricked or set up when this happens. 

When I was younger, I never understood the opportunities I could have. 

• I actually probably never understood a lot of things. 

• My mind is like a war zone. There is never a moment of silence, and all my thoughts go wild at times.

  • It turns out I had ADHD; therefore, this experience inside my head made more sense when I grew up. 

I love all sports, with only a few that I don’t like, making it one of my most significant identity markers. 

• Between the different clubs, sports, and the community.

• And I am beyond grateful to my parents for being able to give me those opportunities. 

I am also a very family-oriented person. At times, I love hanging out with my family more than my friends. 

• My sisters are my best friends.

• But I still love my friends, just not as equally as my family. 

Overall, I am the type of person who will forgive yet won’t forget. 

• However, I do have a two-strike rule. 

  • Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice; shame on me. 

I try to be sympathetic and a voice of reason, if needed, for anyone who needs to talk and needs someone to listen without any judgment. 

• Because there is nothing worse than talking and realizing that you’re being listened to. 

I fit into the stereotype of being in the upper middle class and going to predominantly white private schools.  

• I was raised in the white picket fence type of suburbs, surrounded by people of my own skin color and the same economic status, which further influenced my identity. 

I was benefiting from White privilege without even knowing what it was.

• I was able to gain opportunities while others could not have the chance. 

  • For example, I had the opportunity to participate in well-known basketball club teams because my parents could afford to pay the fees. 

    • Although basketball can be a predominantly Black sport, one of the club teams had almost no people of color players.  

There were also some times in the past when I might have unintentionally made a few comments of “I don’t see race” or “I have Black friends.” 

• Of course, at the time, I did not understand the harm of saying such phrases, but I understand now that they can be disrespectful. 

• I am undermining and disregarding the experiences of people of color.

If there is a time I accidentally did anything wrong, I would be accountable for my own actions. 

• Welcoming any sort of feedback on my own actions without being defensive 

I also openly acknowledge how systems of whiteness and class have benefited me. 

I might feel a lingering guilt because of these benefits, but more importantly, I try to use this awareness to build relationships and make moral choices. 

Mainly, I would spread awareness by joining the Amnesty International group for most of High School and my first year in college. 

• This group would raise the voices and stories of marginalized people during group meetings and all school assemblies. 

I would like to believe my racial identity has evolved. 

I might not talk about it. But I like learning about experiences that naive me would never even think about would happen.

This class evolved my fear of speaking out and pushed me to ask different questions I would not have asked. 

• This changed because of the first article we read in class, Robin DiAngelo’s work Nothing to Add: A Challenge to White Silence in Racial Discussions. 

This article made me realize that staying silent or only asking one person my questions would not allow me to grow my understanding of the concept. 

• I also don’t want to be perceived as a ‘white supremacist’ or ‘above race’ because I am not any of those things (DiAngelo, 2017).

  • Being silent does not show that I am ‘above race.’ It shows that I am not educated in the subject. 

  • I was silent because I was trying to learn and listen to these experiences I have and probably will never encounter. 

For example, when we were doing assignment number 3 (sport and style), I loved this assignment because I understood more about how other athletes viewed their sports experiences. 

• One of my participants and I still discuss how race has impacted his life. 

• Because we both play basketball, the information he talks about would have never crossed my mind. 

This class showed that when I was trying to learn and listen, my efforts could be interpreted differently, in a disrespectful way. 

Therefore, I am trying to evolve into listening and talking, trying to be more active in the conversation and not just a wallflower. 

Yes and no, because I have grown. However, I wish I had grown a little bit more. 

The course definitely helped me get a better understanding of my racial identity development and also highlighted the fact that I have been far too ignorant for too long. 

But in general, I believe that the lenses through which I have examined news articles, films, and novels have all been changed. 

• For example, when watching Sinners, I began to hyper-fixate on the African American English they were using. Or how they would act throughout the movie, emphasizing slavery subtly–and sometimes not so subtly– and its impact on the community. 

I have grown intrigued by race and racism and how it can be presented in different areas throughout history.

• But I would have never been so intrigued as I am not without the slight nudge the course gave me. 

Generally, I believe I could fully move out of the Pseudo-Independence phase from Helms’s model and become the ‘white role model’ Helms talks about in the Immersion / emersion stage. 

• With more confidence in myself and immersing myself in these topics, I could be in the autonomy section of the model.

Overall, I think I need to be more engaged in the world. I have been too ignorant for far too long, and I need to step out of the bubble that I have created for myself. 

Learn and listen. But more importantly, speak up.

• To different news articles, to speak up when someone talks about race, to ask more questions. 

The best way to start would be to begin in an area I adore, sports. 

• By looking up news articles and doing a better search for those articles about white athletes that are hidden. 

• Starting with sports would help me take leaps in the right direction because of my love for the sport. 

• This will allow me to start getting a better understanding of race and help me look deeply into areas other than sports. 

  • Because you have to get the ball rolling somewhere.

These brands, Abercrombie & Fitch and others like it, are not just selling clothes; they are also witnessing sales and promoting exclusion. 

• McBride highlights how Abercrombie & Fitch markets at a defined image: white, male, athletic, and upper-class.

  • “The Look Book” (McBride, 2005)

  • The “Lifestyle videos.”

  • Reinforcing racist and traditional ideals.

• This is making me reevaluate my own participation in these brands and what I have considered ‘normal’ through these clothing brands.

When I was younger, I saw Abercrombie & Fitch as one of these trendy stores without recognizing its deeper racial and class implications. I also wished that I could be one of those models, wearing those clothes and living those lives that were being promoted. 

• Making me unconsciously internalize these implications. 

• Therefore, the article challenged these assumptions about fashion and the people wearing the clothes. Allowing me to see that privilege can shield people like me from recognizing exclusionary messaging. 

  • Because these stores had subtly represented white supremacy and created it not only ‘normal’ but ‘inspirational.’

A couple of years back, I did not notice the absence of people of color in marketing these types of brands.

• The lack of people of color is obviously an active form of marginalization.

Not only does the company reinforce white supremacy, but also Mcbride states that working at Abercrombie & Fitch is also exclusive and objectification. 

• Black workers are prohibited from working in the front because it does not fit the ‘look’ Abercrombie & Fitch promotes.

This article makes me rethink all the other trendy clothing stores I have bought and how they advertise and sell their clothing. 

• Although Abercrombie & Fitch has changed how it sells clothing, some stores, such as Brandy Melville, have remained the same. 

While I might have experienced gender-based objectification, this article also highlights that race and sexuality intersect in areas that I have overlooked. 

• Confronting how white feminism often fails to address racialized experiences of beauty and exclusion.

Reading Peggy McIntoch’s article, White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack, helped me confront the privileges I carry in my everyday life.

I understand my privilege that I hold in the world and this article pointed out to me that sometimes I do take this privilege for granted. 

• Making me an example of what Mcintosch said in their article, being forgetful of the advantages I carry, at times. 

  • I am ignorant, not oblivious 

The list of 50 daily effects outlines privileges that are so ordinary, yet they are the types of things people who are not white always have to think about.

• For example, walking alone is such an ordinary thing yet it can lead to being “followed or harassed” for people of color (McIntosh, 2003).

One thing that stuck was the systemic structures that McIntosh emphasized 

• That white privilege is embedded in the systems and not just individual attitudes. 

  • This privilege was passed on to me by the systematic structures that have been created.

  • It widened my understanding of racism and the passive acceptance of racial advantages I’ve benefited from.

I might be a woman, being raised in a household of being told to never be alone at night or always watch your drinks. But I am still white. I still have these privileges that I was born with that most people could never get close to and that shouldn't be a thing. 

• This article challenged my idea of fairness. 

• Although I knew I had this privilege, the fact that these privileged structures remain unacknowledged and unchallenged is what makes it unfair.

Throughout this article, it made me recognize my privilege. I have always benefited from societal standards that agree with my identity, shielding me from the discrimination faced by women athletes of color. 

• They have historically faced scrutiny regarding sex testing and false accusations about their gender identity. 

  • Athletes like Caster Semenya and Dutee Chand have faced these challenges due to naturally high testosterone levels (Nasir, 2024). 

These athletes that are mentioned in the article have made me question the definitions of femininity that are maintained in sports and how they exclude and even harm those who don’t fit the norms. 

It is clear to me that issues of race and gender cannot be isolated. 

• These are discriminations that these athletes are not solely about gender but also by racial biases. 

  • Black women are often perceived as more masculine compared to white women. 

I want these women to play sports; as an athlete myself, I don’t know what I would do without sports. 

Reading about how these athletes can not play their sport or do what they live for makes me want to advocate for more inclusive standards in sports.