last year, i found myself been smiling a little bit too much since july and i was wondering what was going on with myself. then i realised, i finally found peace at that time, yes, i had — i found you, sat. i was really happy that you were one of the main reasons why i was able to see colours again in my days. and for that, i'm so thankful. you painted colours to my days and life when they used to be so gray. i remembered waking up every morning before this, feeling so excited to always talk to you or just by seeing your name in my notifications bar, brought a smile to my sleepy face.

i just wanna say that i always felt safe around you, content to be around you and to be with you. i have no regrets about crossing the friendzone line to be with you. it was indeed one of the happiest decisions i had done, and i was indeed very happy to be with you for almost... a year, i supposed? because we started talking by the end of june, 2023 and it's already july, 2024 (by the time i'm writing this) now. time really flew so quickly when we were together; you made hours feel like minutes and days like hours. but now… i don’t even know why time is moving so slow when you are not here with me anymore.

it’s crazy to think that a year ago, we started to get in contact again and i never thought i would lose you a year later… i just wish we could go back to july, 2023 and get stuck in that time-loop right now so i wouldn't have to experience this feeling of losing you now. just so i could still be with you during those time we were together. just so… i don’t have to feel the absence of you in my life right now. just so... i could relive those moments we shared together and avoid this emptiness you've left in my heart. i missed you dearly, every single day, sat. i missed us.

i admitted it that i couldn't even go days without thinking about you. sometimes i find myself revisiting our old conversations both in dms or server from time to time; whenever i logged in on dc, looking through all the screenshots i've saved in my folders, listening to the songs you dedicated to me ('home' is still my favourite; it brings me to tears every time i listen to it. the lyrics are just so beautiful, as beautiful as you, as beautiful as us being in love), staring at all those silly photos we took in genshin, re-reading all those cards and monthsary gifts you made for me...

i've been telling myself to respect your decision and allow myself to let you go so both of us could move on but i still find myself struggling to do that till now. it hurts, sat... trying to tell yourself to let go someone you really love... it's hard to let go of your hand... it really pains me so much, sat. but i know, it must have been hard for you too when you decided to end things for us. and either way, i know this virtual relationship we had, would come to an end anyway one day. it's just... i guess it has finally hit me that now, i did not just lose you as a partner, but i also lost a dear friend that i treasured a lot. it feels like, going through two break-ups; the real one and the loss of our friendship. at times, i found myself be wishing to god to give you back to me as a friend but i know that would be impossible now.

and... and... there was one time... on 27th july... i'm not sure if i was hallucinating or what, but i woke up in the morning? in the middle of the night? i'm not sure... but i saw the three dots appearing on your dm. it was like, you were typing something but no notification was received on my side at all. maybe i was just seeing things instead because all this time, i have always been hoping and expecting you to at least text me first asking me, “hi, how have you been?” and the thoughts of it made me cry every day.

it might seem childish, but i felt sad and it made me cry as i watched our dms go from 1m to 1d to 1w and now it becomes 1mo… to think that you used to always be the first person i would run to, to tell about my every mundane detail of my day. and now, i feel completely lost to not be able to do that anymore.

i miss our daily banters, us talking about any random things, us feeling so excited to receive notifs from each other shyly when we were pre-oomfing, us talking about the games we love to play, us spending time on hyperbeam - watching absolutely anything that popped up on youtube main page or simply be doing silly quizzes just because we were being clingy as hell.

i miss us absolutely doing nothing on genshin just because we wanted to take photos and spend time together, us being intimate at the most random hours (throwback to you ditching your maths assignment to reply to my plot, ish ish!), us listening to songs together on spotify while you were waiting for your sister to finish her shift at the lobby.

i miss us being silly dropping cards together for fun in cardbots before, us pointing out at uglyass characters (personality-wise) saying "that's you!" when watching dramas, movies or shows together, us doodling together to cpdp or on online drawing board, us having matching silly statuses and profiles, us chanting ‘twinkling! twinkling!’ when we were about to watch twinkling watermelon drama before. and that one time, you got so obsessed playing the 'race timer' game with various characters on hb after watching twinkling watermelon.

i miss our competitive streak, trying to beat each other’s ass in plato marbles game, us having that matching monster dc avatar decos, me watching and waiting you to focus on your study (while trying to listen to your podcast as well, in which i failed and gave up within 15 seconds in), you being a simp whenever i was fcing wonbin, you and your iconic ‘gn i like jay’, you calling me ‘sayang’.

i miss you being extra clingy and sappy when you get all drunk, me trying to translate your drunk chained messages in the middle of the night, you getting all embarrassed when we were being extra intimate and all, you spamming me with lots of ‘i love you’ and ‘i miss you’ whenever i was busy with my schedule, us waking up to each other's morning texts, us not trusting each other to sail our boat first on genshin because one of us would sabotage the other one, us doing this ‘use this idol as your pfp’ challenge in hb room and all...

i'm not one to keep my pride and ego to myself so i'll blurt it out here instead; i really miss you, sat. i miss us... my goodness, i miss you so much and i found myself struggling to stop thinking about you sometimes. do you… do you perhaps... do you ever miss me at all, sat? have i ever crossed your mind in the middle of your day? does my presence in your life has been replaced now by someone else? i miss you so much. you taught me everything and helped me grow in this relationship but you've never told me what to do if you left… and now i am struggling to figure out what to do with the love i still have for you.

whenever you are ready to start meeting someone new again; i hope that person who will replace me after this, will reach your expectations and treat you in all the ways i couldn't when we were together. i know, and i realised that i was indeed not perfect nor good, or maybe even what you wanted me to be. and i am sorry for still learning how to be one; a good partner and a good person. i'm also sorry if i took up too much of your time before when you were with me. i really, really, really hope that you will excel in your studies and achieve all the good results.

i'm really sorry, sat. i'm sorry that you had to juggle with your studies, work, family problems and yet, you still managed to make time for me and that, i really appreciated it so much. i really do. i'm sorry if i added to your burden. :(

(spoiler alert: there are still so many things i wanted to try with you, but i guess that's it. i don't want to do them with anyone else, because it was you who i wanted to share them with. it was your name that was written in my bucket list.)

so, you see - whenever you agreed to do something i was excited about, it made me incredibly happy. what might have seemed like small acts to you were really big to me. i'm just so glad that i took the chance to step out of my comfort zone to be with you. thank you, sat, really; for giving me that chance, even though i had a lot of flaws to work on.

i wish i could stay in your life as a friend, but i'm sure you wouldn't want that, nor either one of us is ready, i don't know. i know i might sound so selfish feeling like this but i don't think i can stand seeing you replacing my place after this. i don't think i can handle the pain of seeing you with another person after me — whether you're having a fling or just a casual flirting with others; it feels unbearable to me. it's even harder knowing that i'm no longer in a position to feel that way. i feel so pathetic for being jealous, especially when we're not together anymore. guess i was clinging onto that one time you told me that you couldn't stand seeing me with others too after you; because that's exactly what i am feeling too now.

but, please know; deep inside i genuinely hope that the next one comes after me will keep giving you butterflies and treat you the way i couldn't treat you when you were with me. i hope they can provide the kind of home you deserve, the one you wished i could have given to you... and i hope that they can make you smile a lot, every day when you are with them.

i'm so sorry, sat. i really wanna be a better person and was hoping i could be your safest home but i guess, maybe, just maybe i am not as safe as i thought i was anymore to you. maybe all this time, we had been holding onto a thin string and just waiting one of us to let go first.

sat, i'm truly sorry. i'm sorry if there were times that you were unhappy being with me. i'm sorry that if there were some of my words and actions ever hurt you unintentionally without me realising it. i'm sorry if there were moments when you felt bored being with me. i'm sorry for sometimes (mostly before we almost about to break up) that i tend to be inactive when we joined dcrps together. i wasn't lying about the part when i said, sometimes my hands would be shaky to say something in a server but that's just a me-problem, i wish i could socialise better again in non-verbal ways. i'm not a social butterfly, nor good at keeping a conversation going so, i'm not surprised if you felt bored during those times being with me.

i'm sorry if i ever put you in an awkward position with your friends because of me... i'm sorry if i was unable to make you feel safe or failed to give you butterflies when we were together. i’m sorry if you ever felt suffocated when spending time or replying to me was more of a chore than something you wanted to do after a long tiring day. i'm sorry if i ever made you waited when we planned a date; whether it was because i got home late, fell asleep, or didn't wake up on time. i'm truly sorry for making you waited for me.

i’m sorry if you feel exhausted spending time with me when the truth is, i really enjoyed every second we spent together. i'm sorry if it seemed like i needed your attention all the time; the truth is, i could only thought of running to you whenever i needed one. i'm sorry if you ever felt overwhelmed by my texts or if i spammed you too much. i really enjoyed talking to you, and i'm sorry if i came across as too clingy — i just felt really comfortable around you.

i'm sorry for every dull moment you experienced when you were with me. i’m sorry for overthinking too much lately when the truth is… i have always been afraid of losing you. i've always been afraid of being replaced and forgotten. and i'm sorry if i wasn't able to make you as happy as you deserved to be when you were with me.

but i want you to know, that i was indeed the happiest when i was with you. even when we barely did anything special, just exchanging a good morning/night messages, even when it was just us exchanging random emojis and stickers — i was still happy to talk to you and my feelings have stayed the same till now.

i meant it every time i said 'i love you' to you. i really do love you, sat. thank you for always making me feel loved all this time.

so, i guess this shall be really my farewell from this place. i wasn't lying when i said i don't wanna be here anymore once you and i are done. i want you to be the last person i'm dating from this place. i don't want to replace you in my memories of this time in my life when i was here, in this roleplay world.

i want to keep all these memories i created with you, and remember you as the last person i poured all my love and heart into from this place. i just want to cherish my final moments here with you, only with you in my thoughts, sat. and with that, i guess it's the best for me to leave now, to wake up and greet the real world again, leaving this pretentious virtual world behind. this is indeed the last relationship i have from this place, and i am glad that these final moments and memories were with you. you hold a very special place in my heart, and meeting you was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. being with you was truly the most memorable experience i've ever had.

i wish we could still continue writing our story but i guess it ends here. and our story might have ended but you're indeed the best chapter in my book and i wouldn't mind flipping through the pages again to re-read our story. it was beautiful.

you made me feel like i had more than just a partner — i had a friend to hang out with, a confidant to rely on, a friend to play with, a partner to love romantically, and also a best friend who supported me through ups and downs, whether or not you realised it. i even wanted to celebrate and gift you something every month for our monthsary, something i rarely did in previous relationships. i didn't expect anything in return; it was just my way of showing you my love and trust me when i say, seeing you appreciating my gifts with your adorable reactions... it was more than enough to make me fall deeper for you. i feel appreciated so much. you always made me feel special. <3

to think that i’ve experienced so many 'firsts' in romance with you… i am really grateful for that. you've been my 'first' in almost everything and i thank you deeply for that. thank you so much, sat. thank you for helping me grow. i hope you know how much i appreciated your existence and presence in my life.

if fate allows us to, i wish to cross paths again with you in the next timeline with the better version of myself. i’d be willing to learn everything about you all over again from the beginning if we ever happen to find each other again and i hope to say 'hello' again to you, only if you would allow me to.

i'm torn between wanting you to forget me and wanting you to remember me, but for now, i hope you'll remember me as a friend from this place and as a former lover who truly loved you — a love from me that embraced every side of you, whether you were at your worst or at your happiest; whether you were having a bad day or a good one, i love you.

i'll end it here before it gets longer. i love you, sat. i love you, very much. may 10:04 always be our time, and 11:11 be the moment i wish for your happiness. let 1:43 be the time when i quietly say an 'i love you' to you, for as long as i'm still around, and 1:23, a time reserved just for you. thank you, sat. i love you, sat, my sayang, my sat-an, my arasaturn (funny but i love it), my love. be kind to yourself. <3

but at the same time, if i have to be honest, this is the most painful heartbreak i’ve ever gone through. that’s why i feel so lost right now, sat. because i’ve never felt this kind of pain from a relationship, especially when i was so aware we were just an online-based and a virtual relationship. at first, i didn’t understand why i was so hurt but as time passed, i realised that the love and feelings i had for you were real. like you said before; behind every screen is a real person with real feelings.

i'm slowly coming to understand why i feel lost after you left. this is the farthest i've ever opened up to someone so much while being in a relationship. i treated you as a friend, a best friend and also a lover. so when you left, a part of me went along with you too and now i'm slowly trying to find the missing pieces and rediscover the love i have for myself again. at least, now i know; the grief i'm feeling right now is a proof that i was once able to love someone deeply and i am proud of it.

i have to admit, i've always been someone with a small appetite. i can’t eat a meal in big portion and i can go through the day with just one meal or sometimes, i would order a kid’s meal too from the menu (don’t laugh!). but after meeting you, and with your constant reminders — “baby! eat your lunch! sayang, don’t skip your dinner!!!! i'm having dinner right now and you should be having breakfast too there or else... grrr no kiss!’ i realised how much someone can influence and change you slowly, in ways you don't even notice at first.

recently, i’ve come to understand that no matter how great someone is, how perfect they may seem, or how much of an impact they have on your life, a part of them will eventually fade from your memories. as time passes, people tend to forget. but sat, i hope — no, i really hope... that even if one day you forget my name (my name is kimi!!! just in case you forgot about me already T___T), or feel a sense of confusion when you see it somewhere; i hope your heart will somehow remember the love you once had for me when we were together, when we were in love. i hope you won't forget me completely...