I find weird living in a time where you casually stumble on a newspaper on the ground talking about the use of nuclear weapons

 

Emshwiller Ed Thanatopsis 1962 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENWBRsvn7qA  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX1aj57VkKg 

“Owning a body means that you’re part of nature and the cycle of life and death” 

 

Knowing that people see you and judge you, I think that in this period this had been amplified by social medias – creating a new generation, a new way of thinking, where people are more afraid of making choices, scared of being socially inappropriate.

 

This takes me to the ‘original sin’ – looking at Renaissance painting the one that caught my attention was “La cacciata di Adamo ed Eva” by Masaccio, an Italian painter. 

I think it shows quite well the current time. Realising of being naked they are being kicked out of heartily heaven by an angel, the way their emotion are being showed is realistic and human.

 

I’m still struggling to understand which media to use to create this piece, I was thinking of sculpture but I don’t know how to start. If it was sculpture I would do a human figure (?) and use either metal or some rock, I would love to learn how to sculpt rocks, granite or marble.

Michelangelo is the example that comes to mind.

 

I’m 80% sure the media I want to use is sculpture and photography, I thought about the fact that being aware of owning a body brings into consideration the fact that you’re alive and you’re going to die, you’re limited.

 

This is so much more than I thought it would be, I want to be satisfied with this project because I know that is something not many people talk about.

 

And interesting thing that I thought about implementing in my work is the use of “unfocussed”/blurred image.

How could I implement this into a sculpture?

“I need to force myself to do work when I’m not doing work and I need to force myself to stop working when I can’t stop doing it.”

 

The piece that I’m doing consists in a plank of wood that I’m completely filling with pencil. I still don’t know why but it feels ‘right’.

 

I feel quite lost about what to do and how to do it. Tomorrow I’m going to try ceramics, I need to try something more sculptural.

I feel completely out of myself, I don’t consider myself capable of doing art and I can’t see myself as an artist in the future. 

I’m way too superficial, I need to get more into this “worlds”.

I feel lonely and I feel like no one understands me, everyone is judging me and my thoughts.

It hurts because I know saying “no one understands me” is very selfish, considering yourself better than everyone, but I absolutely don’t consider myself better than everyone, I just don’t understand why no one listens to me, it feels like everyone has something to say about who I am and what I do, I have no right to be right.

Every decision that I make is wrong and everything that I think is stupid.

 

I just want to find someone to talk with and open myself to, I can’t even do that with my girlfriend, my father, my brother, or my mother.

Why is it so difficult?

At the same time, I want to talk about what I think, but I also can’t be bothered, maybe because I already know that there is no point in even trying, no one cares about what I have to say or think, so why bother.

 

I feel bad, like I don’t deserve what I’m doing, I don’t deserve all the things that my family is doing to make me study here in London. 

The only good aspect I gain from this is that I learnt a lesson and I know how to prevent a scam next time.

I started collaborating with a 3^rd year student in Csm for her film, she asked me to compose the soundtrack for her film, I’m very excited by this project and I have plenty of ideas and inspiration to make it, I started learning a new software called Ableton, it’s incredibly good and kind of “intuitive”.

I also really like how I have to commute around London to use different facilities, today I went to LCC and I was fascinated by the digital studio, the library and also the canteen, the whole building is incredibly cool and the people seem a lot more open and interesting, maybe it’s because in Fine Art everyone thinks is the best and there is some sort of competition factor that makes Chelsea so hostile in some ways, I constantly feel watched when I’m in my studio, even if I’m the only one there I can’t feel like I’m at ease.

I thought about what I talked about in the Open studio/crit on Tuesday, how I’m getting more and more into complex and time-consuming practices, chipping away material, adding material, like I’m fighting against the speed of life, I’m moulding time and shaping it, making decisions, having ideas while creating the piece itself, the opposite of drawing, the opposite of speed and unawareness.

I want to be aware of what I’m doing and what surrounds me at all times. I think that the next medium will be stone, I’ve been thinking of using it for almost half a year but I never had the opportunity nor the instruments to make it happened, now I want to make use of the workshops in Chelsea.

I’m super tired since I’ve been going around non-stop for the last 4 days, I keep commuting from my house to CSM, LCC and Chelsea, going around with no breaks.

Also, the electricity in my house is gone since the payment for the last bill got messed up, this means, no hot water, no gas and no light anywhere in the house.

 

The collaboration with the 3^rd year student is going well, I’m enjoying sound editing and arranging everything to the respective scene, the problem is that I still don’t have any scene to watch since she’s still editing the entire film.

 

About my sculpture I’m still thinking about the concept of adding and removing, but I don’t really know how to connect it to anything.

Another use of sculpture could be showing myself, my feelings and the human struggle, the human itself, as meat, as an insane animal convinced of being superior but struggling with his own mind.

There is no hope for art, it’s an act, a play, nothing is real, what artists are showing is a version of what the industry wants you to see. 

The art world (or most of it) follows the market and the trends in front of it, nothing is genuine anymore, everyone is on a constant chase for success sacrificing and selling their soul for a stable life and income. 

I feel betrayed by the one thing I though pure, detached from the ugliness of the human greed. 

I gave everything to Art and now I have nothing left, everything is gone except love for the people that surrounds me or sound, something so pure you can’t even see.

 

Now I wonder, what am I supposed to do? 

Start from scratch, create my world keeping the other one at hand so I can see what not to do.

 

By contacting an artist that works with sound and sculpture too I had the opportunity to receive some feedback from him and I started asking myself how I should continue the sound projects. I’m thinking of creating some form of material piece to accompany the sound piece itself, trying to create a gravitational pull towards the whole piece by using something material in contrast with the immateriality of sound.

 

By reading the book about Giacometti’s practice I was struck by a part where he says: “but should we do what we know how to do or what we don’t know how to do??” – and he finishes by saying “a rhetorical question”.

So how do I do what I don’t know how to do? 

I think the answer is that I need to focus more on the practical skill, the technical skill, learn how to create more sounds and how to work with them, learn how to sculpt better and how to create lifelike figures.

 

I’m still a bit confused by what to do and how to do it.

 

I have some sort of love and hate relationship with the sculpture that I’m doing, I hate it because it seems too simple to make, I already have a plan and I know how the project will develop (sort of), but at the same time I like it aesthetically, it will also allow me to try different new methods like metal welding and casting with plaster, even although it feels like cheating in some sort of way.

 

 

By watching a Christine Sun Kim talk I realised that sound doesn’t have to be the only way of “showing” something, by doing that you’re limiting your art and the audience you have, deaf people aren’t going to relate to it, but also sound is something even more difficult to read as a whole, people’s attention-span has lowered to a couple of seconds. 

I wonder if I can make a sound piece that express everything immediately without “the use of time”.

 

 

What can I connect with sound?

Sound is music, sound is gesture, music is gesture. 

What else can I find that relates and connects to it.

Something visual, something alive?

 

What’s alive? 

-       Sound

-       Music

-       Movement

-       …

-       Are text / words alive?

What is sound?

What is silence?

 

 

What comes after identity?

Everyone is questioning themselves, but after someone realises who he/she is what happens?

 

Expand research out of art – see other worlds – other ways of thinking 

 

 

Can sound connect with space and architecture? How?

 

Is sound influenced by culture? By language?

 

“Get lost to find your way” 

 

The project that I’m working on feels superficial and completely aesthetic, no concept behind it, just feelings.

 

I’m still thinking about working with the feelings that I have, I really want to turn them into a sound piece, maybe a couple of hours long.

How can someone avoid a problem. 

Everything seems pointed towards the disappearance of responsibility/ moving responsibility somewhere else.

 

Are we getting lazier as a species? 

 

The human is getting more used to commodities, we don’t want to struggle anymore, instead we look for a shortcut, we don’t want to suffer, we avoid pain and look at it like it’s some sort of medical thing.

 

Again, I go back to older studies,   why?

Did I discover what I’m interested in? – Humanity, trying to understand it.

 

I want to understand the different ways of behaving humans have on different things. Is this because I want to discover myself as well?

 

 

Why do people want to stop thinking?

They want to ignore the problem and go on, without caring about consequences.

Do we only care about comfort? 

 

 

 

Mi piacerebbe capire cosa succede nella mia testa, sono confuso e non capisco come mai.

Might be because of the breakup but I’m not sure.

Tutto è un miscuglio nel mio cervello – ho delle idee ma non riesco a svilupparle.

 

What do I have:

 

-       Self-awareness

-       Adam & Eve

-       Elimination of pain from modern culture

-       Elimination of thought

Do we eliminate thought to control it? – like politicians – we want our people not to think so they’re easier to control.

 

-       New way of describing society – our language is too outdated – we need a new way of expression 

I feel a bit better about what to do and how to do it.

 

I need to take a break and reorganise what I have instead of adding new things.

 

I also saw Maya and she looked ok, I’m glad she’s not taking it too bad.

 

I need to fix my bike and go to the park to exercise. I also need a job for some money since I’m broke.

I don’t think it was a good idea. 

I started the day wanting to go and fix my bike, but when the guy told me it couldn’t get fixed I just went home and cancelled all of my plans for the day, one after the other, starting from going to galleries, then going to the park and exercise, then going to the cinema. 

I ended up staying in bed all day.

 

I’m really trying not to feel bad about it but I’m struggling, especially after seeing my ex for a moment, she acted like nothing ever happened and said “It’s nice to see your face” while stroking my shoulder.

My head is confused, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or how to do it, and this evening there’s the Open Improv Studio that I must attend.

 

I feel like I’m in a bathtub and I’m sinking deeper into it, I feel the pressure on my chest increase every day.

 

I thought I had it under control after having a talk with the tutor but apparently I’m even more confused now, I don’t know if I’m supposed to listen to her suggestions or not, I don’t remember what I was supposed to do.

 

-       Organise my research under one thing

-       Schedule things

 

I feel lonely, but not alone, which is even worse because I know that there’s people I could contact but I’m not doing it. 

I want to feel by myself, in my head doing my things, but instead it feels like everything I’m doing is to impress someone else.

 

How do I get back into my head?

https://www.madsci.org/posts/archives/apr99/923033670.Eg.r.html

Inaudible High-Frequency Sounds Affect Brain Activity: Hypersonic Effect
https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/jn.2000.83.6.3548

Anatomy, Autonomic Nervous System
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK539845/

 

How do we use sound?

How do we react to it?

 

After the breakup I couldn’t think straight, thinking itself hurt, so I used loud sounds to make the pain stop. I turned off my brain using something as loud as my mind (How loud is my mind?).

 

I feel like I’m getting stuck again, I haven’t produced a single piece of work outside of the sound sculpture.

I wonder if I should start different projects on the side.

It’s a dumb question, obviously I need to do something else too. I’m working on an album called “Covet Your Thoughts”, it’s going to be a collection of pieces that you can use to shut off your brain, something that you should listen very carefully.

 

I was thinking about the term I keep using of “long exposure” of sound, I might have to explore it a bit further, connect it with pictures and film.

I don’t know why but I got attracted by his work, so I started doing research about him and I found some good books. Reading about his life I realised what I must do, how I need to approach art. I’m tired of being under the art, I need to keep it in control. 

 

I realised that I had to express what I lived and not how I feel, show reality, and raise questions, showing emotions is more of a statement, you’re telling the viewer “This is the emotion I want to express” and that’s it.

 

I want to talk about my past, my parents, my brother, use my family.

Show how I got raised and the hypocrisy of my father as a ruling figure, I still love my dad but the situations that I lived make me question his authority and figure as a person.

 

I realised I was trying to run away from myself by doing art not related to me but to what I was supposed to feel, I was getting ruled by what I was doing and not the opposite, I wasn’t in control.

I considered art as something external and not something internal.

While talking with the tutors and the MA student they told me about the effects of sound (different frequencies) on the brain.

 

Things I noted:

-       String theory

-       Steinhardt theory

-       Spiritual aspect  
-      being aware of it

-       Look back on why I think it looks cool

-       The wall of sound 

-       Military application 

-       See what I think 
-      what am I really interested in

 

We also talked about how I should start thinking more about my point of view and ideas – I’m taking the things I’m studying for granted without questioning them.

 

Today I finally finished casting all of my limbs for the sculpture, at this point I want to finish it just so I can move on with other projects.

 

I started thinking about making something more personal, I want to work using my life, my experiences.

I think this year I need to take out everything I have in my brain, everything that covers my head, myself.

 

I want to start by putting out the relationship I have/had with my father, I think it’s important for me to take it out, just like I take out my thoughts writing I need to do the same with my practice.

I need to work on this piece, start to think it through.

 

Some ideas that I had for this series:

-       Father / Mother / Brother / me

-       Drawings / sound / sculpture.

 

The first idea I had on how to develop it was through drawings and sounds designed for that person. 

I also thought about making a sculpture showing my father.

 

-       Another aspect could be the psychologists, how annoying they’ve been, show the hypocrisy of their work and how they’ve dealt with me.

 

All of this is very basic so far, I need to develop it and do some more research about similar thematic.

I also need to keep studying the sound aspect of my practice.

 

I need to go to galleries again, they can help with the technical aspect and see what’s the new “keyword”, just out of curiosity.

 

It’s interesting seeing how I almost forgot about the economical / commercial aspect of art, I don’t care if my works are being displayed anymore. If galleries are not showing my work I can find another way, I can create my space.

 

This is the journey to discover myself, what I am, who I am.

I’m still thinking about the family thing, how to develop some sort of therapy from my own practice. Show reality to raise questions.

 

I have the constant feeling that I’m doing something wrong, maybe I am, but for now the only thing that I feel like I’m doing is stressing out without actually doing anything. I should start going to the studio more often but now with the fact that I need to take care of a dog I’m kind of constricted inside my house. I could use this restriction and start something in here, inside the house.

 

The last week I have tried finishing a huge pencil drawing, but I keep getting distracted by invitations and dinners, it feels like I’m wasting time and space, I’m not going to galleries anymore and the only one I went to recently is the British museum, watching it passively without taking anything seriously.

 

I keep feeling like I’m in a hangover, I’m not drinking but my eyes are always tired, my brain is foggy, and I feel like I can’t do anything. I feel stupid.

Tomorrow I want to focus on reading, I have a series of books that I want to finish and since I’m stuck at home I might as well just read for the whole day, draw, write.

 

I also need to research the artists that I’ve been recommended.

I play loud music, I drink, and I stop thinking, I panic and then I have no idea on how to deal with life, everything is too much. I want to be by myself, in the mountains in the middle of nowhere, with no one to interact with, just me and my head, ideas, thoughts.

 

I’m reading a book called “Body am I” by Moheb Constandi, it talks about how the body and the brain are connected, how the mind and the physical self are one thing. 

Self-awareness both physically and mentally. While reading it I realised how little control we actually have on us, everything we perceive as true / false / real / fake is dictated by our head and mind and we take it for granted, we take reality for granted, while there are brain diseases that make you not realise that half of your body doesn’t work anymore. 

 

I feel exposed and fragile, out of my own control, at the same time I feel like a coward for trying to take control over myself by anesthetising my brain through alcohol. That’s why I’ve been drunk for most of the last 2 weeks.

The exhibition didn’t really have an impact on me, I feel almost untouched by it.

 

After that I tried going to 3 other galleries, but they were all closed because of Christmas or something else.

I decided to look for gifts for my family and found a nice bookstore where I met my flatmate by complete luck. I found an interesting book that talks about how visuals influence us and how everything is the same.

 

Yesterday by staying with the dog the whole day sitting on the sofa I realised what’s the thread that connects all my past and present research, my state of mind and how I’m feeling recently. Everything is tied together by CONTROL.

How the human tries to control everything, I find it interesting how as an animal we feel the urge to create a “balance”, a “way things go”, rules to follow, a system.

 

I need to explore this, I feel like I discovered something important and I need to study it.

 

I also realised that what I was doing was stupid, too fragmented, I need to focus on me, what do I created with, what’s me. Some people have paintings, some photographs, some sculptures, but what am I?

I still feel like I’m drawing, the thing I feel the most connected with, but at the same time I don’t want to focus on what feels easy, I want to explore still, but I don’t know what to try.

Also, I feel like I should focus on what I struggle with instead of staying in some sort of “comfort zone”.

I realised I’m attracted to powerful people, maybe because I don’t feel powerful myself, like I have no speciality, no talent or something I can call my own.

When I go back to Milan I’m going to talk with my dad.

 

I also keep thinking about girls, I don’t know why, maybe I see them as some sort of comfort, I want to talk to them and open up.

I feel like I have no one at all I can talk to openly, without feeling judged, feeling like they don’t care, or that I’m boring them in some way.

 

I also want to try and create noise from very subtle sounds, control how loud things are.

I need to push myself way more than I was doing before and completely get into it, find a drive, a reason for this.

 

Here in Italy I’m feeling completely shut off, no ideas nor motivation to start things. I want to return to London so I can do things, but I’m scared that even after being there I would just do nothing.

 

Yesterday I thought about the relationship between fashion / originality / self-imposing / main character. Everyone wants to be the main character and they do so by dressing in eccentric ways, the new fashion is all neon, saying “look at me”.

 

I’ve been feeling like I’m in an hangover for the last month or so, I don’t know why but my head keeps spinning, I struggle concentrating and my eyes feel heavy.

But why do I do it, I don’t actually know.

 

I want to discover myself, but do we really need to know ourselves 100%? When can I stop getting to know myself.

I’m thinking of just making following myself, my style, my mind, is it correct? I guess I’ll discover it in a while.