• Grief = The Reappearance of Love

I feel as if my world is crashing down on me and I can’t seem to do anything about it. My vision clouded in darkness but every now and then specs of light would shine through but never enough to heal the brokenness never enough to heal the pain. It felt like I was frowning in my feelings and there was no one around me to pull me out of the murk. Ricky loved old soul singers and was always just a joy to be around. But now he’s nothing but corpse in a body bag and he’s never coming back. People keep asking me if I'm ok. I wish they would stop. I wish everything would just STOP. I just want a moment to grasp the fact that someone was just alive and well isn't anymore. I want a breather. I want things to be normal again, I hate feeling this sharp feeling in my chest every time I inhale and every time I let it out. I’m tired. Why would he do this? It’s something that I just can’t understand. I always asked him what was wrong and he told me and all I did was listen. I put him in therapy but now I see that wasn’t enough. I got a call at exactly 3:33 and he was dead. I felt like I wasn’t needed as if I was unwanted. No one wanted to grieve but I was necessary to facilitate healing. Every single day I console another mother, another father saddled with the death of a loved one. I help them become fighters and allow them to grow and heal from their pain. But I always linger as a reminder of their love for people and the humanity in the world. I help people learn from their past mistakes so they can take clear steps into the future. Steps toward safe storage for guns and lower rates for suicides and well less pain for me. Love is the key. It’s helping me help others to fight to live even through loss. 

• The Preface of Gun Violence

Gun violence affects the majority of people in America, whether they were personally wounded or they had/have a family member that was wounded or murdered due to it. With this information, it begs the question, “In the face of injustice is sympathy enough?”. Sometimes it isn’t enough for people to just feel bad if their feelings don't bring any awareness or change to the issue. What this world needs more of isn't empathy, it's people who are strong enough to bring out the need for change in this society. It’s people who are brave enough to be the change in this world. When people think of gun violence their first thought isn't “oh yeah that's definitely an injustice in the world today” they think “well yeah it's an issue but oh well”. Humans tend not to give much thought to matters that don't affect them directly, this is rooted from their self-revolving natures. Gun violence doesn’t just affect petty gangs who end up shooting each other over minor inconveniences. Gun violence affects 60 percent of American adults whether they experienced it themselves or knew someone that was affected by it, by no terms is this a minor issue. The U.S. has a high ranking for gun violence in comparison with other countries, particularly speaking for children and teens. With all of this, it’s important to shed light on the trauma the gun violence also brings about to its survivors. A gun violence survivor once said that “We just learn to cope. Trauma never goes anywhere, and healing is an ongoing process-it’s just a lifelong process”(A gun violence survivor). Trauma is often looked over as people tend to think of gun violence as a public health epidemic, usually only thinking about the numbers, “the impact of gun violence extends far beyond those killed or wounded. People may identify as survivors if they have witnessed acts of gun violence, experienced intimate partner violence with a fire arm, been threatened with a gun, or had a loved one who has been shot and wounded, or killed-including suicide with a gun”(Beyond Measure-Gun violence Trauma). Gun violence just about affects everyone. People say that America is the best country in the world. But the reality is that one of the few categories they rank number 1 in is school shootings, “making it a uniquely American issue or in other words epidemic” (Hook, 2025). In the end the point has been made that change is needed. The question is who will be the one to make that change, don't be scared to be only the first of many.

Boom, Boom, Boom. The sounds of gunshots rang through my ears. In the middle of my seemingly normal day, in my previously ordinary class, my whole life is thrown upside down. I get out of my seat in a panic. People screaming in a crazed frenzy running with no purposeful direction to their movements. I turn around and I see the janitor guiding the few remaining in the class to hide in a closet and I follow. A choice that although t I didn’t know at the time essentially saved my life. I’m only 17. I don’t want to die yet. Bang. Another shot is fired. Thud, it’s as if I can hear the dead bodies dropping to the floor, lives cut short in seconds, families devastated all from a tiny piece of metal. A bullet. Something so small, so seemingly insignificant. Continuous screams persistently fill the warm air in this cramped closet. Precipitation in the form of sweat starts to form and slowly slides down my face. I'm grateful for it though, the feeling helps me reorient and remember that I'm still breathing and alive. In all honesty it’s better than being on the outside, with the threat of being shot and killed weighing down on my constantly shifting psyche. The possibility of being so unsafe and vulnerable isn't that desirable at the moment or at any moment now that I'm thinking about it. It’s hard to think that it's only been six minutes, 1/10 of an hour. 360 seconds that completely altered my life. 17 dead, 18 injured making this one of the most deadly shootings and I, well I survived. I feel guilty in a way. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone into the closet and let someone else go instead. The past is the past and it's not something I can change. I can only look to the future and Grieve. So many people around me ask me questions about 360 seconds of my life and I just don't have the answers. I'm mad, but more than that I'm exhausted.