My Letters to Jayath by N.F.D

DAY 1 - 27 JULY 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-07-27 23:18:09 UTC

Dear Jayath,
You're on your final flight after making a hefty 6hour and now 5 hour trip across the globe to sri lanka, your home, your birthplace. A place i hope that one day we will visit hand in hand.
I promised I would write to you everyday and update you on my day so here it is.
Today, around 5 30 i woke up with very bad pain because its the first full day of my period. I leaked on my pj's and then in the evening i also leaked on my leggings again. sad times. Ironically, 5 30/6 was when you were waking up to get ready to leave... my heart and my body is aware of this change.
I managed to get to sleep after taking neproxen. I woke up with the feeling I was missing you already. I messaged you and waited till you boarded the plane, and went to my mum and sat on her bed and finished wolfblood s5 because i had nothing better to do, no one to be there for, no one who would wait for my reply. I then went to Costco, got 18 inch pizza's and a red velvet, we sat down as a family and watched monsters inc. Again, all i thought about was how I missed you. I checked your flight and waited till you arrived, and we spoke and I was lucky enough to see your beautiful face, so perfect, so hot, so lovable. mine.
You then had to leave, but came back after a while and we played C4 i won one game - which is an achievement and okay.. you thrashed me too from Doha, but shh.
I then went to eat, if I knew I wasnt going to get a message back I wouldve never left. But I hope you're on this flight I'm watching over, and I hope everythings well.
Lets hope you send me a message when you arrive! I hope your trip is fantastic and everything you deserve❤️

lots of love,
yours truly,
your haribo wife,
nic

DAY 2 - 28 JULY 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-07-28 22:09:59 UTC

Dear Jayath,
I hope you're okay and happy. I havent heard from you today, except from the fact you arrived. I feel shit that I wasnt able to stay up till 4/5am with you, to be with you, but I'm grateful you messaged you arrived. But I miss you a lot. More than anytime in my life, more than arguments because at least I knew you were safe and okay, even if you were upset at me or angry.
I'm hoping its just you had a busy day, or the wifis shit, or the data isnt working.
I hope you miss me a little too :((
I hope you message me one of these days because God 4 more weeks... I might actually have a breakdown.
Today I woke up at 8, messaged you, went back to sleep till 10, then ate pizza for breakfast, planned the day out, went to Tayyabs then One New Change viewing platform, then finally Eataly where I got venchi ice cream, which reminded me of you - I got mango - reminded me of you - our day out.
I'm almost finish the book I'm reading = Reminders of Him, I probably will finish it tonight. I know you gave me series, but, it was our thing. You introduced me to the world of series and watching and it feels WRONG to watch without you.
It feels wrong to be happy without knowing you are.
Truth be told, if i dont hear back from you, I'll hold onto the fact you're safe, I will then reachout to childline when it gets tough. I dont want to reach out to guney. I really dont because I know you dont want me to, but also, I am actually shy. I dont think I'm ready or good enough for your friends to put a name to the face. But I wont take that decision as easy. I will try to get help first. I want you if you do read my letters, to see how strong I am trying to be whilst my world is slowly cracking without you.
I love you so much. Please God look after my baby. He's all Ive got.
Lots of love,
Your Nic x

DAY 3 - 29 JULY 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-07-29 22:42:56 UTC

Dear Jayath,
I finally heard back from you :) My heart reached peace.🤍
Thank you for finally messaging me, i can see that it posed harder than anticipated, but i hope we can message more, even if its once a day. I really do miss you, you're my world and you're across the globe.
I miss you a lot - I feel empty without you, when you message, the hole in my heart is filled.
Today I woke up at 10/11 and went to Enfield Town with my mum we went to Maccie D's and to buy me another book by Colleen Hoover - the one i told you I'd finish - I did - it was called 'reminders of him'. this new book is called 'it ends with us'.
Series update:
2 eps done of outerbanks
3 eps done of alba
1 eps of longest night
3 of attorny woo
0 of ackley bridge
Also, so basically, I realised theres something I need to tell you about, I know why i didnt tell you at the start, but then i actually forgot, and now I think i should tell you, but obviously when we're together - its nothing that changes us, its just i was a bad child to my parents and yeah. But nikie asked to go Windsor Castle mum said yeah, dad said no, its too far, and a little argument where i cried and i knew thtat my past he hadnt moved on, but its okay. They said I can go out with her somewhere in London, I'm sure we'll still have fun, on friday 5th august. I'll keep you updated.
I'm going to start reading my book more since i dont talk to anyone, if its not your message :/ but i dont want to talk to anyone because if you're not here, its not right... to feel good or happy or idk.
I hope you think of me... when you're so far.
I love you jayath❤️

I hope to hear from you soon🥺 tommorow if im lucky 🤞
I'm going to tuck into bed now and read my book if im not too tired.

Goodnight, I love you always x

Best wishes,
Your Nic

-- update
I spent my time uploading pictures of us to other padlet :)

DAY 4 - 30 JULY 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-07-30 21:54:09 UTC

Dear my Jayath,
I'm listening to 'Boys like you' - by Anna C
I love you bubs. I wish i could hold your hand, i miss laying on ur chest and looking up at you looking down at me :)
I'm sad that I missed you, twice... But I'm grateful you message when you can.
I'll tell you about my day now... i woke up late, i read my book because I'm so lost, I went to church today after almost a year. I needed to feel closer to God, because He's the only one who can look after you whilst I'm not there. I prayed for a lot of things, i recieved the Eucharist, hoping it keeps me going till the next visit.
We came back and got fish and chips and watched a documentary on animals.
I've come up now and now I'm going off my laptop and phone.
Series update: Ive only watched Attorney Woo - Next ep is 7
I feel that I'm getting fat... my plan to loose weight just failed, but I'm going to try do bicycle everyday for 30/40 minutes even though I'm eating crap...
I need to research my uni plan for results day.
I need to wash my hair tommorow.
I need to empty and sort my wardrobe
I'm going out with nikie to canary wharf and afternoon tea on friday 5th.. one day after our anniversary 🥺❤️🤞
nothing much to tell today, im going to read till im tired, wake up as earliest i can to be with u... hopefully.
Goddamn i dont know how i'll cope for these weeks/months. i need you😣
i love you so much
goodnight, i love you x

best wishes,
your nic <3

DAY 5 - 31 JULY 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-07-31 22:42:32 UTC

Dear Jayath,
I'm happier today, because we spoke a lot :) it almost felt as if u werent half way across the sea.
I miss you still, i missed you a lot. heres something you probably dont know, today me and my mum got into an argument. I ended up crying wrapped up in my duvet cover - with no duvet - door shut and hugging it, thinking of how i didnt want to live another day. The one thing that stopped me, is that I said i would be strong for you whilst you were gone, maybe i didnt tell you that directly, but i told myself, nic he needs to be able to leave and enjoy his summer and not have to worry about you, so i got up.
I've been looking at uni courses and stuff - looking at if i got BBC, hopefully i get better but thats my fall, now im typing to you thinking what if i got BCC, i feel like because chemistry is so hard that a C is expected but, the other C is from maths so. Anyways let me not get too stressed.
I had an argument with mum and we're not talking, a part of me wants peace as it always does, a part of me doesnt, a part of me is okay with this not talking.
I cleaned my room, washed my hair, and finished attorney woo. Oh and I did weights excercise, i only did 30 reps and 2 sets to start off at 5kg then ill do it 30 reps and 5 sets tommorow and then ill move to the bigger weights, idk how to loose my stomach tho :(( ur just gonna have to love my stomach for who she is 🥺 i hope you're okay with that <3
i asked my dad to take me strawberry/fruit picking so we will go sometime this week, and on friday ill be going out with nikie... u should meet me before going? :/ i miss u, i miss the park i miss just seeing u.
tommorow ill do weights, clean my cupboard, watch alba, and read = maybe read more than series because i havent read much today.
i dont think ill be able to wake up early tommorow, because i plan on reading a bit before bed, and sometimes i get carried away.
you're prob confused bc i say tmmrw but ur already llike 4 hours or 5 hours into tmmrw
you're my one and only, if u dont feel loved or wanted, just look here and think damn what kind of girl writes letters to her bae :)
the answer is: one who said 'thats what you do for someone you love' icl our story is hella cute!! init
anyways, i hope you have an amazing train trip and keep me posted :D
lots of hugs and kisses,
your nic x

DAY 6 - 01 JULY 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-01 20:46:49 UTC

Dear Jayath,
I'm writing this to you early, because i feel like i'm scared, i dont feel good, and ordinarily I'd just message you, but you're a million miles away and i cant take it. I think its hitting home, i cant do this as much as i thought i could and tried to.
I cant be without you, i feel sick like homesick, like i never felt homesick before but this is what i imagined it to be like.
I love you and I think I need you.
Somethings wrong, im not sure what but i just need to be with you and it breaks me - no nice dont cry. It breaks me that I cant just say hey can we watch something or hey can we call.
On friday at 11 im meeting nikie, but that means ill leave earlier, but ik its later in the day for you but i was wondering that i'd shoot my shot and ask you, i can call you like whatsapp on my mums phone and delete the call or normal phone, and maybe we can talk ?
Oh God, there just seems be no point. I feel so fucking lonely. I FEEL SO ALONE.
It's not your fault, this is just testing me a lot. if you ever thought you were irreplacable - heres ur answer ur not.
today i woke up, cleaned my room, played cod, watched alba. thats it

i love you. i fucking love you. if it was allowed, i'd ask you to marry me rn because i love you and i cant let another woman or anything stop me from being with you.

thank you for wishing me happy girlfriend day - it means a lot.

i love you always -

your nic x

DAY 7 - 02 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-02 22:38:51 UTC

Dear Jayath,

My love, i miss you so much, i feel so alone without you. YOU CALLED ME TODAY. DO YOU KNOW HOW SPECIAL I FEEL?! he called me from sl :) I had to hold in tears.
I miss you so much its not even a joke, when u message, which i wait all day for, i genuinely feel so happy that i cry.
I love you to bits jayath.
The sand thing was so cute... adorable in fact, if i could i'd post that too :)
My day today, so i woke up early for ya, but i was too late, i then did uni research, painted my nails, binged alba. Next ep is 11, then 12, then 13. then im done alba.
I hope you're watching it too.
Today went so fast, i didnt do anything.
I'm sorry this ones shorter, itsjust because lifes getting boringer... i might read for an hour or half an hour, its 23 37.
i kind of just want you here? i maybe just need you here.

i'm struggling, thats the truth, but i pull through each day, just for you

i love you always,

your nic x <3

DAY 8 - 03 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-03 21:42:03 UTC

Dear Jayath,
I might cry. I didnt hear from you once. If this holiday of urs was 1 week and u told me no contact at all, i'd be okay, but its not like this. my heart is slowly tearing, im forgetting what it feels. its been over a week now, im terrified of being without you. im scared.
no one talks to me jayath, no one. not nikie, not diana. its so shit. i know i actually mean nothing to everyone. i cant even tell anyone but you that, because no one cared about me like you.
i said i'd be strong. i said i'd try, but its getting really hard.
you made me feel that you would be able to message me, everytime i worried you put it to ease, but i had a right to be worried.
i dont know who or where i'll be by the time you're back, but all i can do is apologise that im not the same girl you saw walk away from the bus stop. i can slowly feel parts of me break, i relied on social contact, sadly, i feel like begging people to talk to me - you dont know how fucking shit it is, if i died no one would care or know, you wouldnt even know. :/
i'm not cut out for this jayath.
tommorows our anniversary 20 months, i have a feeling this will be the lonliest.
i love you so fucking much. proves u are my everything.
goodnight jayath, i love you x
i will always love you,

lots of love,
your nic x

DAY 9 - 04 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-04 23:28:42 UTC

Dear Bubble,
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! 20 MONTHS YOOOOO 🥳we made it
God i love you so much, thank you for making me feel so special and loved. You made today so special despite being in sri lanka, we got TO CALL and we messaged quite a bit, and we did a kissey and it was lovely, so lovely.
i couldnt have asked for better.
i went to edmonton green, i did some shopping, my adidas tops came today which i showed you :)
i'm going out with nikie tommorow, to canary wharf + afternoon tea, ill send pics.
im very tired, and ive got to wake up a bit early for tommorows outing, i will write u a special big paragraph later either when im back or before the end of this week, not that i think you'll get time to read it but yeah :)
i finished my book = it ends with us, its so good.
jayath, will u promise that when u have everything settled in your life, will you ask me out, ik u dont want to rush, i get that, but please give me a chance to be the girl u need. ik rn im not, but i hope that we'll grow together <3

love you always,
your nic x

DAY 10 - 05 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-06 15:06:51 UTC

Dear bubble,
I love you and miss you so much, i wish we spoke or called, but i was out today and you had a venture :) new hotel
I GOT U UR GIFTCARD :) EHEHE google play i hope u liked it, shouldve been a better girl tho and got it before u mentioned it
Let me tell you about my day... so i went to canary wharf with nikie, we went to the crossrail rooftop garden, the one canada square shopping centre, the crossrail tunnel, and then we went to victoria to have afternoon tea at patissere valerie, and then we went back to canary wharf, and chilled basically, got sushi shared it, then chilled by the water :) its so beautiful
its my new favourite place in london - we're going we have too! its so nice, its like being in a different country
i miss you a lot, i lowkey need u? like idk it feels wrong, it feels weird and i need u
i finished my book as well so its pretty boring, i need to catch up on attorney woo, and start this is going to hurt :)
love you always,
lots of love nic x

DAY 11 - 06 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-06 15:11:45 UTC

Dear Jayath,
I love you so much, WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK UGH.
im getting so bored, i practically did nothing today, i have done nothing and its 4pm - i acc havent done one thing.
I want to go to edmonton green library one of these days and get a card and take out books because i finish books in like 3 days, and i cant be spending £8 on a book that i finish and never look at again after 3 days
I went to church today, tommorow we're going strawberry picking, well its lots of fruit picking early at 9 30- 11 30. I just realised - bullet train is out already, august 2nd, i really hope in person, even tho its after results day, that we will be able to watch it together, if not theres always that website, you know i cant lie to u, ive been saving lightgear to watch with u :(( but i dont think it iwll ever happen, and the black phone, its also on the website.
you know i dont get ur wifi data shit, i thought u were going to be able to talk to me, but ur not.
i love you always,
your nic x

DAY 12 - 07 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-08 21:00:38 UTC

Dear Jayath,
WE CALLED, AND IT WAS CUTE BUT ALSO NAUGHTY, I HOPE UNO WHICH DAY IM TALKING ABOUT :) the day after ur 18th party :P hot cakes
we had a lovely call, thank you :)
i went strawberry picking today, i collected strawberries and raspberries and sweetcorn, it was the first time i'd seen sweetcorn grow! its weird but wonderful, same with raspberries. we paid £12, for 1kg of strawbs, 11 sweetcorn, 1kg of raspberries - but they were all so sweet!
then i came back and i went to asda where i bought 2 books - both crime ish thriller, ones called verity ones call where the crawdads sing or something like that, not my style but im excited.
but i miss u so much jayath, i miss u too much, and i need to be with u
love you always,
your nic x

DAY 13 - 08 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-08 21:10:45 UTC

Dear Jayath,
im glad that you're having fun in sl, ghost stories, and laughs and that you're being treated well. thats what u deserve
but u see i need u too, no matter how much u think i dont, i swear if u saw or lived the life i was living, u would understand.
my family had a big argument, and results day popped into it and now i feel stressed, and u sent me a cute paragraph and in response i felt the need to immediately turn to write u this letter.
i want to meet up with u ASAP, i need to? so i was thinking if u could give me the date ur back, and +1 or 2 days and then we can go out to watch bullet train in central, i didnt think my family would allow it but i realised im just making it a bigger deal in my head than i thought, but i need to meet u in august weeekday and u come back on the last week... please can we set a date please! it will keep me going.
yeah heres a little thing from me - im starting to not believe im pretty anymore :(
but i said to myself that i have to be strong for u, u have to come back to me alive, so even if ive been feeling shit, im holding it in, for u.
i love you always,
your nic x

DAY 14 - 09 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-11 20:04:13 UTC

Dear Jayath,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry about the little argument we had today, theres been a lot on around and in me and im messing up a bit.

I feel lonelier than ever, you're my connection and im struggling alone without u

My mum and fel had an argument today including me ish and going out and results day, mum thinks that im gonna be so depressed we cant have anyone around after the 18th and stuff, probably true, but i think it will only last a day.

Also, i got upset with my mum shes been ignoring me for over a week about fels bday and its tommorow and we havent got dinner sorted. i planned the ivy but they need to confirm it for me >_< and she needs to write the card!!

we ended up booking the ivy for her, ill show u pics later.

Oh yeah me and ma went to chinatown today earlier before argument and we collected fels cake went around and then ate in chinatown some smegy noodles v nicee

i love u always jayath, please come back soon!

i love you,

love from,

your nic x

DAY 15 - 10 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-11 20:08:09 UTC

Dear Jayath,

We didnt get to talk much today, because its my sisters birthday. I woke up decorated the house, then sorted breakfast, had a hairwash, she woke up, we ate breakfast, and then opened presents, then we chilled i binged 3 eps of eastenders i'd miss and then dad made biriyani, had a bit, then we went to the ivy.
the ivy was stunning but it cost us £160, crazy... ik. but the steak was an amazing cut, the atmosphere was great. it was amazing, we went to chinatown after, and then we went to get ice cream at seven dials market. then headed home, cut the cake, and chilled.

it was good :)

i finished my book - verity its hella creepy but u would rlly like it if they made it a movie or series.

i miss u alot jayath and it kicks in everytime, im struggling without u

i love you always,

your nic x

DAY 16 - 11 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-11 20:09:17 UTC

Dear Jayath,

I had a stressful day, we spoke about it - results day.
I found out i had to stay in london and did research for what courses and uni and i made another updated document with the information that ill use on results day

nothing much happened i just watched some of the series,

i realised i miss u so much, it hurts, i keep arguing with u because im getting fed up of being deprived of ur attention and love and lust and my desire to be with u grows

im sorry this is short, its just nothing really happened.

im going out on monday which is all i hang onto, we're having another heatwave, amber warnings not to go out, they stopped the sale of bbqs and stuff!

love you always,

your nic x

DAY 17 - 12 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-12 22:19:30 UTC

Dear Jayath,

I was alone today, but first i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me feel special, for giving me time, for watching the film with me, it was lovely - so thank you for your efforts i appreciate it so much

I took some pictures - i showed some on discord and i will send them the good ones eventually

I watched 3 films today, and caught up with attorney woo, and 1 ep of this is going to hurt - its ok but manifest is better

I didnt watch it today tho tmmrw i will catch up...

I love you so much jayath, thank u for starting the prom conversation with me - that meant a lot

love you always,

your nic x

DAY 19 - 14 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-14 22:07:58 UTC

Dear Jayath,

im waiting on childline but i dont think they'll make it its the red zone which means theyre busy

ive lost u and i think i lost u about 2 weeks and 4 days ago.

ive lost everything and everyone, its me, its all me

i didnt block him - my fault
i wasnt good friend to diana.

she told me something and it hurt so much because someone finally said it what i thought in my head. i will send it on gchat.

i wishd one day, that u would but i was never good enough and i wont ever be and u dont think that either, u dont think ill be good enough either, i agree

i cant stand u mad at me or angry or sad bc of me, im scared of u feeling like that yes. yes i am, because i feel u could leave me like that, and im so scared of loosing u.

im scared of a hell of a lot of things but i opened up to that with diana and i got her telling me i made her feel shit and pointless, so i wont do that to u too.

i love you, i always did and im sorry for fucking up, im so sorry, im so sorry, please forgive me. u dont kno whow much u meant to me and mean to me.

im crying whilst writing this literally int he most pieces ive seen myself so if im typing wrong or not words im sorry.

im sorry i couldnt do it, im sorry that i think in my first message here i said i'd be strong so u wouldnt come back to this, but i want u to know that u were eervything to me my world and upsetting u even once makes me scared, i just want u happy

and im scared ur not that with me.

i love you and i always will,

nic x

[.s please find her, she deserves u and she will give u what i failed and failled and failed to do and ask her out before its too late please od that for

DAY 20 - 15 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-15 22:29:05 UTC

Dear Jayath,

I want to start off by telling you that im getting my period soon so im PMS-ing. so im not okay

i cant help but feel wen u see me after so long ill be a disappointment

i hate myself a lot

i went out with diana today to sommerset house, chinatown ish, and seven dials and st.james park - check my ig private for pictures

i think ive reached the point where i cant feel ur love anymore, its like, i held on for 20 days of u being gone (plus the 1 weke and 5 ish days from the lst time we met) so ive been struggling its been over a month since we met.

i need to recharge us and meet again.
im so scared of us in the future and i guess you have never faced or realised the fear that i have because u didnt feel it, ur still friends with guney,h, bertan

i lost pretty much all my friends i talk maybe once a month and its me starting it. (btw i met tomi my friend first bestie from st.annes)

its gonna happen with nikie and di too - ik it.
and i cant let it happen to us

i cant. its not ok.

i need to see u.

love u always,

ur nic x

DAY 21 - 16 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-16 23:19:14 UTC

Dear Jayath,

I cant believe u asked me to prom im screaming!!!

I mean today i cried a lot, but u gave me time, u let me be there, i felt very present with u.

I love you so much, ahhhhhh

Shh, ive ordered a few prom dresses (3 different colours - not ones any of u will suspect.... bc they're not pink!)

hopefully they will come

tommorow i will buy prom ticket and hoodie
im buying the hoodie for ur name on it ehee

im feeling nervous about tommorow(its past mighnight im writing this so tmmrw is 18th ah.)

but tmmrw as in in 8 hrs i will do some more planning for results day, i will watch series, and i will talk to u about the message u sent me about cancer and also check the international calls rates

who knows u may not need it - but we need a plan for u

love u always jayath,

your nic (NOW UR PROM DATE AHHH) X

DAY 22 - 17 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-17 21:06:46 UTC

Dear Jayath,

We had a pretty amazing bhadie call today - thank you for that <3

im writing this a bit late so im sorry this wont be long!
but i will keep it short and sweet

i love you so much and i hope you know how much im rooting for you. i will be proud of whatever you get and even if u dont get into imperial - u arent disappointing anyone.
i think u deserve this as much as anyone because u did work so hard, and i admired you
keep your head up, a good level of stress (remember before exams wen i used to ask u)
message me where my mans going :) or how ur feeling - i love u immensly and u will do amazing whatever path u choose to go on my love x

good luck and all the best to you sir,

love you always,

your nic x

DAY 23 - 18 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-20 11:06:36 UTC

Dear Jayath,

Short one

It was results day
YOU GOT INTO IMPERIAL
YOU GOT MERIT
YOU GOT 3 A*'S IM SO PROUD OF U

i'm waiting for qmul to approve my maths with foundation year on ucas :/

crazy ik

anyways goodnight bubbles
very proud of u x

love nic x

DAY 24 - 19 AUGUST 2022

dsoun022_308 — 2022-08-20 11:08:03 UTC

Dear Jayath,

I'm pretty sure u arent even reading these anymore but i feel the need to update u

so i'm still waiting for qmul to update on clearing
i went to ikea with the fam

i tried my prom dresses - they didt look good
ordered another one

i ordered black baby heels too

erm ya

thats it

love u always,

your nic x

i miss u so much its kinna breaking me