https://padlet.com/deandrafayyaza1207/7ftip82c85yd4ipu en-us 2022-09-14 13:58:10 UTC 2026-02-07 11:40:52 UTC hello@padlet.com deandrafayyaza1207 https://padlet.com/deandrafayyaza1207/7ftip82c85yd4ipu/wish/2296475874 It's not easy to say this but i really want someome to talk to  ,because it's getting hard to handle things on my own. I wanna talk about something personal. I'm just gonna jump into the point cause i have nothing else to add.

I've been doing cutting since six grade, and no one gonna talking about it?, so we're just gonna slide that one? I was ten that time, ten years old. I dont know what im doing,and it just feel right to me, my mom and dad was fighting and cutting myself is the only thing i think, this happen after a while,after the both of my parents start a really big fight.

One thing that concern me, adalah pas nilai ulangan kelas 6 ku jelek,aku ga inget pernah kalau ada masalah dirumah and then start crying about it. 

Pas SMP, i have a big anxiety, i hated school,i feel anxious stepping into my own class,i hate them. I never had a fight with my friends,still,i dont like being in school. I cant sleep just thinking about it, i try to keep myself calm but it just wont work, i have nobody to talk to , because i thought it was a stupid feelings. Pandemic was the best thing that ever happen,i dont have to see theese peoples,and this crowd,the presure. Pandemic its so reliefing.

Then come SMA, i feel good in there,i never had a bad time,and i never actually hated being in school,somehow it feel comfortable, then came something, i have another anxiety,that peoples start judgding me for being me, that peoples never actually liked me.

My home, suddenly doesnt feel like home sometime,my room is the only place to hide, my mom kept blaming me and being mad at me, honestly i hated it. 

I hate me.

I cant handle stuff properlly,i hated it, i dont know why, i just hated me. I dont like me,i wish i am more,i wish i was smart,i wish i was amazing,i wish im something more. But im not,i dont like this,i wanna stay home,i wanna disapear,i dont wanna go to school, i dont wanna see peoples for a moment,i dont want to look at the white board for a moment,i dont wanna smile and laugh or talk to someone for a moment, my feelings is to big for my body so i cant handle it.

I cut it.

I feel i have a reason to feel. When things feels numb i just wanted to bleed,so i know that im alive. 

I could have wear a longer cloth, a jacket, but i didnt. Because i wonder what my parents will think about this?gosh what was i thinking? I should have know their reaction.

Shouting
Angry
Demanding for answer with a higher voice.

"mama tau kamu begini,cuman mama diemin aja"

That hurt so much than the actually cutting in my hand.

"mas ambilin cutter nya."

Ayah ngambil cutter dari mas, terus mulai nyilet kertas gambar ku.

"biar apa kamu begitu.?"

...? Biar apa?

Mom,dad,im bleeding, its still a fresh cut. 

Cuman ade aku doang,yg bilang suruh pakek betadine buat obatin luka nya waktu itu.

Cuman temen ku doang yang mencoba menghentikan cutting aku dengan pelan-pelan bujuk aku sambil bikin aku ketawa.

Sisanya cuman sekedar tau,cuman sekedar merasa harus menjawab. Karena mungkin mereka bingung harus jawab apa.

But my parents?

The person that i thought is the last person to talk to,to share this feeling,to comfort me? 

I dont feel the comfort when they find out about this. My mom and dad..didnt try to bandage my scar. 

They ask about it, but after what happend when they found out about this,i just cant say anything anymore.

[I hated when my cousin find about this. Because i know what shes gonna talk about is all about her story,and i hated it, i tell my story to her doesnt make me trust her.]

But to be honest,i really need help because cutting start to make me relief.

Therapy is not a weird thing,dad.

mental health is important.

I feel numb theese day.

I dont wanna go to school.

I wanted to go to the beach,a calming waves the only thing i wanna hear and see.


Thats it from me,i guess thats all i wanted to say,sorry if there is a wrong typing,and bad english.

Thanks for your time.



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