Add a title to help give a specific focus for your reader

Consider starting your paper with the memory from the start of paragraph 3 and then jumping back into more explanation

Add in further details about what sports bring to your own personal identity. What kind of person do sports expect you to be? How does that show up in behaviors and attitudes of athletes?

Love that you went for vignette style! Your first one starting out with "no hitting" really...hits. Great way to bring in your reader.

Consider adding one more vignette in total or adding in a little bit more to the scenes/stories component of each.

You can split these into multiple paragraphs under the same heading to help make it easier to scan or allow for sub-points under each one.

I like that you are pursuing the vignettes here, and I think this will work well for this particular piece. Consider "setting the scene" in each of these and building in dialogue or more description to bring the person into the moment with you.

A lot of power in writing will come from "showing" your reader, not just telling them, so expanding on those little moments helps the reader get to know you and how you observe the world. Get a little deeper where you can, but all the ideas/themes are solid here.

Consider adding a title here that can encapsulate the overall purpose/idea

Some of the content here is a good start, but it can tend towards being general. For example, talking about a relaxed setting at home is great, but what specific examples can you share? What makes your family/experience unique?

I would suggest narrowing it in just a little bit to help your work here. You could take on 1-2 of these topics with more depth and cut a few. What is the most impactful, and what are the key moments and ideas that show that to your reader?

Folks, if you want to add more detail/description to your work (especially with vignettes), take a look at Elaine's for a solid way to do this.

Great style here; my primary suggestion here is to find ways to put a little bit more of "you" into it, not just about the friends. It would be helpful to see your transition in such a descriptive way, with more showing/scene setting.

You went for it with the comic style! Huzzah! They look great here, and the style is very evocative and engaging.

In your artist statement, try to incorporate a bit more specificity about your identity/cultural connection where possible. Some of the content provides a broad overview and could be more specific.

I like the 2nd person start here--cool way to draw in your reader. You could also start with the dialogue moment "Jennessa, are you black?" as an entry point.

The section about hair is really powerful. I feel like you could build this out as its own creative nonfiction piece for publication. Damn.

I picture this piece split into two columns, one "white", one "black" which could be an interesting approach and framing to consider building out your ideas. Or, you could make the first page that, and then the second page is all in one to show your rejection of this binary.

Be careful not to bring in too much as you go. I think less could be more here, even just telling the story of your family growing up could work well.

I love the visuals alongside the writing here! Cool idea and brings your story to life.

Now, your job is to build out the text a little bit further. Get specific and show a little more.

What’s one piece of specific feedback you received that helped you think differently about your essay?

Good start here, but as the reader I don't get to fully understand a lot about some of the specific cultural aspects that might be influencing your communication, so be a little more explicit about those. For example, do these norms come from your age group, gender identity, where you grew up, family norms, school, etc.

From there, consider expanding the "so what" component of this essay. Why does it matter to you and the world at large that these changes are happening within your communication?

Consider reframing this just a little bit to be about how the changes within your family structure are really the driving force behind your communication choices/attitude/behaviors. For example, it may be helpful to compare your family's ideals of emotional expression to your peers/friends who maybe didn't have that same type of emotion expression/engagement.

What are the specific changes you plan to make before Tuesday?

Consider opening this essay in a specific moment of being shy instead of just telling us, such as being in class, etc.

I really like the line here, "deep breath turned into multiple deep breaths"

One thing that might be interesting to expand on is the way that bisexual folks are often marginalized within the LGBTQ+ community.