Score: 9.0

Topic sentence: Happiness is a necessity in life and it is necessary to better understand happiness in every moment of life.

Topic sentence: Happiness does not just come from external improvements, changing mentality and approach to have less lofty goals and expectations might lead you to be satisfied.

 3. “Stop outsourcing your happiness. Happiness doesn’t come from a hot partner, a fancy car, or a nice home. It comes from within. Everything you could ever want is already inside you. Your internal state dictates your external experience.”

Topic sentence: Humans nowadays sometimes take advantage of external materials to bring their happiness but the fact that the happiness actually may come from inside feelings, therefore, each person should not depend on outsourcing because the internal state is the determined element of external experience. =>  "internal state is the determined element of external experience" need to explain what it's mean.

Topic sentence: Many people did not recognize that happiness existed within us already. It is not come from wealthy or valuable properties. True happiness comes from soul of each person and that affect a lot to our life experiences.

Topic sentence: Material possessions do not determine happiness, inner feelings do because happiness is formed by great experiences and great experiences are built from good internal state.

Topic sentence: Happiness is a part that cannot be lacking in our life. Everyone also has the right to live and to be happy. Everyone has one time to live. So, instead of paying attention to outsourcing, you should lend an ear and be more concerned about yourself.

Topic sentence: People frequently require external comforts related to basic demands  and ignore that their happiness actually comes from inner feelings and positive thinking, therefore, people should be concerned about themselves in order to have better external experiences. 

What is your response to that quote? Write about 150-200 word paragraph to show your response. 

Write based on your group's outline in class.

 

 

In society today, talent is always appreciated but it is not the way which only one leads to success, the real way to success is to try your best to do your work and make it the best it can be=> nice!. Talent can help you get things done with gifted work quickly and with little effort => examples. However, effort gives you the opportunity to practice doing the work over and over again and can do it perfectly in the future=> examples (Edison is a good one). It is very rare that the “dream success” is achieved through natural talent, instead mainly the effort to do the best work possible. => examples .Without the support that comes from effort, talent is secondary=> unclear=> more explanations.  In conclusion, the road to success is very long and talent only helps people get there faster, on the contrary, if you go there with effort, it will be slower, but it will be more certain.

Feedback:

- Use transitions to make your points clearer and smoother. (First/ Second/ Moreover/ In addition)
-Make the topic sentence clearer a little bit (see Suggestion)
-You need some examples for your explanations since they are still hard to understand.
- Use linkings, and comparisons to show the connection between sentences.
-For each main idea, ask 6W to fully develop it before moving on to the next main idea.
-Your ideas are nice but quite simple, how about analyzing the meaning of "success" and "effort"? If sb tries their best but they cannot win a game/ pass the test, then do they succeed? they don't win the game but what do they win over? => this idea will clarify the phrase "Triumph with effort". 

Suggested outline:
Topic sentence: Although some people do not have any special talents, they can become successful with their effort since it transforms them into a better version.
Main idea 1: talent but not trying => left behind
Reasons + Examples: [your ideas]
Main idea 2: non-talent but try with their best => win themselves/ learn sth useful/ even make a glory success or your ideas (effort makes them always move forward or effort helps us to maximize our results)
Reasons +examples: [your ideas]
Concluding sentence: [your ideas]

Feedback:

- Use transitions to make your points clearer and smoother. (First/ Second/ Moreover/ In addition)
-Shorten your topic sentence.
-You need some examples for your explanations since they are still hard to understand.
- Use linkings, and comparisons to show the connection between sentences.
- Always check your supporting details with the controlling idea to see if they are relevant or elaborate the controlling or not. I dont see the elaboration on "long-term factor of the success"

Suggested outline:
Topic sentence: Although some people do not have any special talents, they can become successful with their effort since it transforms them into a better version.
Main idea 1: talent but not trying => left behind
Reasons + Examples: [your ideas]
Main idea 2: non-talent but try with their best => win themselves/ learn sth useful/ even make a glory success or your ideas (effort makes them always move forward or effort helps us to maximize our results)
Reasons +examples: [your ideas]
Concluding sentence: [your ideas]

 
Feedback:
-I cannot find your topic sentence.
- Your sentences seems not to be connected to each other. => use linkings.
- Use transitions to make your points clearer and smoother. (First/ Second/ Moreover/ In addition)
-Make the topic sentence clear.
-You need some examples for your explanations since they are still hard to understand.
- Use linkings, and comparisons to show the connection between sentences.
-For each main idea, ask 6W to fully develop it before moving on to the next main idea.
-No contractions (don't => do not)

Suggested outline:
Topic sentence: Although some people do not have any special talents, they can become successful with their effort since it transforms them into a better version.
Main idea 1: talent but not trying => left behind
Reasons + Examples: [your ideas]
Main idea 2: non-talent but try with their best => win themselves/ learn sth useful/ even make a glory success or your ideas (effort makes them always move forward or effort helps us to maximize our results)
Reasons +examples: [your ideas]
Concluding sentence: [your ideas]

2.Idea development (no need to include sources)

3.Clear structure of the argumentative paragraph (combine or point)

4.Coherence

5.Cohesion

Using cosmetics is becoming more popular among young people, but some adults say that teenagers should not use cosmetics at a young age. However, beauty is everyone's requirement, including young people, and they have the right to use cosmetics, as long as they do not abuse it. For a long time, cosmetics have been thought to be harmful for youngsters. Since they contain a lot of chemicals that can make their skin be more sensitive, one of the most common chemicals is lead, which is often seen in lipsticks. Beside that, many adults think wearing make-up can make teenagers look more mature than their real age. The natural and pure beauty of youth is very precious, and they should not ruin that by cosmetics. However, using cosmetics can have some beneficial aspects for youngsters. Practicing makeup at a young age can help them improve their makeup skill, which is useful and necessary once they get older. Beside that, they can use cosmetics to embellish the face outline that they already have. When they look prettier, they have confidence in themselves. Moreover, modern cosmetics brands now provide products that are not harmful and suitable for youngsters. To conclude, there is no wrong for young people to use cosmetics to improve their appearance, but they should use it at the right level.  


1. Out of topic
2. Write 2 sides
3. Clear controlling idea
4. Idea development is enough. But write more about cosmetic cause sensitive
5. Present different views on a topic: harmfuls and benefits
6. Lack of combine
7. Cohesion: however, but, and, since, beside that, moreover...

 

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Work in groups in 15 minutes. Read and give feedback on your friends' writing. Write your names on the criteria:

1. Paraphrased topic sentence and controlling idea
2. Argumentative pattern
3. Idea development in each side
4. Coherence & Cohesion (Appropriate linking words)
5. Concise writing (no repeated ideas, not too many relative clauses, empty phrases and nouns, abstract concepts are explained clearly with concrete details)

 

 

OUTLINE:

Paragraph 1:
Topic sentence and controlling idea:
Positive 1:
Explain:
Example - Analysis:
(Compare contrast/ Cause Effect/ Emphasis)
Positive 2:
Explain:
Example - Analysis:
(Compare contrast/ Cause Effect/ Emphasis)

Paragraph 2:
Topic sentence and controlling idea:
Negative 1:
Explain:
Example - Analysis:
(Compare contrast/ Cause Effect/ Emphasis)
Negative 2:
Explain:
Example - Analysis:
(Compare contrast/ Cause Effect/ Emphasis)

Your evaluation:

 

Write at least 300 words.

Note: Evidence or in-text citations should be included

     Young generation tends to choose the trend to buy materials or improve their appearance, because it can assist them reduce stress and become more confident. The first one is reducing stress. It means that the glamor of materials attracts their attention and gives them another happiness that make them temporarily forget their current pain. For example: students often go shopping or change their appearance when they suffer in life, it will give them positive energy and make them busy, so they do not have enough time to think about their mental pain. The second reason is becoming more confident. When students buy materials such as clothes, makeup, jewelry or improve their appearance like cutting a new hair. The purpose of all of them is that they want to become more beautiful and change their current life, so this can help them feel more confident. For instance: a girl just broke up with her lover, because her boyfriend called her ugly, so she learned how to make up to make herself become more beautiful with the aim of making her ex-lover regret. 

     However, this trend will have disadvantages. Firstly, this can not completely heal the mental pain that they suffer in life. It means that it is only a temporary solution to help young generation forget their pain. Pain will still exist and they still have negative emotions that can greatly affect their life. For example: buying new clothes that makes students feel  better and comfortable at the start, but their mental pain will still exist and they still think about sadness that can make them distract and negatively affect their learning. Moreover, if they abuse this trend, they will get out of control and waste money because materials and appearance are irrelevant to the spirit, so there are useless in healing their mental pain completely. In conclusion, this trend is useful to assist students temporarily  forget their pain that they suffer in life, but to end it, they should be honest with their feelings, do not let it affect their life badly, spend more time with their family and friends because love can heal the mental pain.