I saw this bit of street art on a yellow garage door. I stopped and insisted that he stand in front of it for a photo. He was... reticent, narrowe-eyes, a bit suspicious, but humored me. He didn't understand why I wanted this.

I later sent him the image.

Then he understood.

Here is an excerpt from an essay I wrote a few years back, with a borrowed title, "brave on the rocks":

Right around the time I found spilling open, I started taking yoga classes. I thought my mom was the one who took me to yoga, but she tells me I was the one who asked her to take me. I’m not even sure how I knew that yoga was a thing.

Clyde (was that really his name?) was the only instructor for miles around. Mom drove us all the way to Clearwater, Florida to take his class. Thirty minutes each way.

Dude. The guy was like the teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. And he talked for the first full 10-15 minutes of class. Bueller. I don’t know what he talked about (probably breathing) because I was So. Damn. Bored. And then we had to sit in SILENCE?! For another 10 minutes?!

I carried this disinclination to meditate through my entire yoga teacher training and the first 9ish years of my career.

And then I took meditation class with a punk.

A Buddhist (former Buddhist?) former punk named Ralph de la Rosa¹. The anarchist vs. the purist. He pulled meditation techniques from different traditions and encouraged us, 12 step-style, to ‘take what we like and leave the rest.’

Between the anarchist and the purist, we won.

Ralph made me not hate meditation. I developed an almost-daily — yet brief and un-timed (shocking! lawless!) morning meditation practice that I kept up for a few years. I’ve lost the habit now. Might be ready to pick it back up. I’m just gonna get myself a chair first. Don’t judge me.

Instead of shrinking our awareness down to a laser pointer and focusing the point on our breathing, Ralph invited us to expand our awareness wide, wider, widest, to notice anything there was to notice. The physical sensations (tension in the legs, warmth in the belly), the sounds in the room (grumble of the heater, toots from the cars, a couple of errant birds) — concrete things like that, and also more esoteric things, our hamster wheel thoughts, our energy and the timbre of it, our emotional topography. And our breath, yes, that too. As a part of the whole. We could also turn up the volume of awareness on any one of those things by pointing a mental arrow towards it.

Your mind is a circus, he said, I paraphrase. Trained monkeys over there, bejazzled elephants over here, trapeze up overhead, a clown up in the stands, someone always selling peanuts, big crowd energy, the lights flaring, singers singing, all manner of focus-pulling. And if your mind is a circus, then there, at center stage, in the very center ring with a spotlight on it, is your breath. You’re not always looking directly at the center ring, necessarily, but you know it’s there.

Such a relief. I didn’t have to subtract anything! Subtraction is hostile.

DON’T THINK OF AN ELEPHANT!

See? Hostile.

[Also, I love the circus.]

Whenever I tried a more austere mode of meditation, I felt like a curmudgeonly card player with a slew of bum cards. My slew of bum cards were called “thinking.” I had to label them “thinking,” and put them on the discard pile. And I had to discard. Every second. Multiple times a second. Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. Thinking. I’m failing at this. Thinking. It’s exhausting. Thinking. I did not [thinking] cultivate [thinking] the requisite [thinking] gentleness [thinking] to temper [thinking] the precision [thinking], as Pema Chodron [thinking] advised. It made my mind a disciplinarian with a birch branch.

Perhaps it is simply too rigorous me.

I am also willing to entertain the idea that I am lazy.

You might say I wanted the benefits without the discipline. You’d be accurate-ish. But also, I don’t think there’s a One Size Fits All for anything on the planet, so why there be one technique to rule them all for meditation?

Meditation people are always talking about the “monkey mind.” But the center stage analogy really did something for me. I’m not just some monkey. I’m the whole fucking circus. I’m The Moste Incredible Menagerie! I’m the circus and the striped tent it rode in on!

I prefer this more benevolent way of regarding my mind. A beautifully-choreographed mess. Dangerous and smelly things happening, yes. Also: ravishing feats of grace and muscle memory, charisma and prowess, and the phenomena of being caught, firmly, at what seems like the last possible moment.

I’m proud of all the sights to be seen on the inside of my brain. I don’t want to tame them away. I never want to refuse the muse.

Isn’t the muse the menagerie anyway?

But do I want to be able to focus on stuff? Yes, Yes I do.

So. I won’t ignore the elephants. But.

Breath in the center ring.

***

You gave me a gift that will bear fruit my entire life, and can never be taken away.

Thank you, Ralph.

You wrote:

“Keep reaching for the clear light.”

All weekend I was worried about you. A heavy feeling… I can’t fully believe you aren’t here…but, as my daughter said : “Mom, I’ve never ever seen you eat nachos, in my entire life, from a snack shack at a baseball game.” And, there I was Saturday, May 10 at approximately 2:30 asking for nachos. It was a surreal moment. It all became more heartbreaking in the next days. Thank you dazzling darling, Ralph. Eat the fucking nachos.

His Outshining Trauma book changed my life, I've never experienced anyone more able to turn their pain into gifts than him. Such a raw, outpouring of suffering,and the lessons he learnt on the path. He learnt them so we could learn from him. Beyond grateful.

Taken so suddenly, and with so much more to offer.

-

I wish we had had more time. Your life had an incredible amount of meaning, thank you.

This video was never released (filmed in 2016 in the Fall), we ended up doing a photo shoot instead, because (I think) Ralph just didn't like himself on camera....but watching it now, it was so good...simple thoughts, that are very potent. I personally think about the line about just 3 breaths all the time. The simple beauty of Ralph's wisdom.

Anyway, I regret losing touch over the last few years....I'll miss you bud.

A couple weeks before his death, I could not shake the feeling that something was off, something was wrong. I had no idea why. I was in Oaxaca when I received the news, and I was inconsolable for hours. I had a running list of things I wanted to share with them about my trip, and now...

Ralph walked with me through one of the darkest times in my life. Ralph wasn't just my teacher, he was a friend. In Indigenous cultures, we refer to people with Ralph's gift as "seeing." And Ralph could see.

Ralph's passing broke my heart but also broke me open. For the rest of my life, and with however much time I have left, I'll do everything I can to continue the work and share the work with others.

I'm also making bookmarks and other block print art to honor Ralph. If anyone would like a bookmark, please feel free to reach out, katiebourcy@gmail.com I'm also on IG: dharmalurker and resistancedharma <3

You can listen to his lovely voice here: https://horizontalwithlila.com/6-divine-pleasure/

So many Ralph gifts.

Ralph and cats made sense because they brought out the natural mischief-makers in each other. Like most cats, Ralph was sharply intelligent, craved being cozy in bed, was known to spazz out on occasion, could lavish attention on loved ones but often needed to retreat to solitude as self-care, and was in touch with the demons that haunt us all. Cats also make the best internet memes, which Ralph was supremely talented at generating. 

Zelda is still with me, fourteen years later, one of the most important and consistent presences in my life. Ralph and I were occasionally in touch over the years as well, always wishing each other the best.

Because of Zelda, I always thought that no matter how far the distance or how long the time in between contact, one day I would find myself texting or calling Ralph with the inevitable bad news about her, and that he would be there in some way to share her passing with me, even though our mutual cat parenthood had elapsed so many years ago. He was the only one who held that key to my experience, to my past. 

So it’s hard to accept that he’s not here, for so many reasons, but I also feel so lucky that I still have a little piece of what we shared, what we originated, with me. 

Ralph, I hope wherever you are there are space cats, pizza cats, funny cats, wise cats, and more cats. And Zelda says hello. 

Kindness at the heart of it all. Ralph has so much (so excruciatingly excavated from their own journey of trauma) that it kindled the hearts of self love in so many students.

I was broke and still choked by trauma in 2020. Ralph pretty much gave me a full scholarship for their classes "pay what you can, don't even worry about it till you get back to work, I value your presence in my classes". There are a lot of us that Ralph gave that to. We stuck around, and learned to outshine our trauma, in ways we could not have imagined, but that Ralph already had confidence in. What a gift!

Ralph writes that we are new cartographers, creating our own maps of kindness. There was a paradox for me when I started between authenticity and fidelity to lineage, relative and absolute practice, having trauma and having a birthright to love. Ralph's holding space dissolved these. Whatever maps Ralph had in their heart they were vast and detailed and full of curiosity, written painstakingly and tenderly in an ink of love on a parchment of love.

Not Hallmark love. The kind of love that outshines trauma. Real love. The love Ralph modeled for us.

Ralph is my Kalyana Mitra, a spiritual friend of the highest order.

I don't know what Bardo is, not sure Ralph did, but maybe we both have curiousity. In this Bardo period, I'm trying to be generous and also to lean-in to practice. I've taken up fasting through lunch, and am donating what would be spent for lunch to Gaza relief. And dedicating my practice for the year to Ralph's precious teachings... may we all carry on the wave of kindness Ralph transmitted to us!

There was a time before you died when I wanted to send you some short videos I made about recovery and one of my parts said I was being a pain in the ass and that you wouldn't have time to watch them. So, I'm going to share one of them now with the loving people who are still celebrating the day of your birth on this planet. May you travel with ease whereever you are, dearest Ralph.

Ralph and I in Tahoe. Linear time dissolved. I guess we got lost. There was singing and awe and jumping realms. In one moment you almost fell and then there was your laugh. Thanks for staying for a few more glorious years.

Is now 

"the whole that is greater than the sum of its parts" 

Just like 

A Symphony Orchestra: where Each instrument has its own unique sound, but when played together harmoniously, they create a richer and more complex musical experience.

 only through choosing love over fear

(yess…again and again and  again) 

We can transform this  life into a beautiful creation.

Ralph had many parts in him that  broke his heart but he always chose to go back to his wholeness -To his source- and find peace.

And That is what made him so

profound and magical!

Going back to state of being unbroken

( or breaking open without breaking down as he used to say)

Is the good work. ( perhaps the only work)

“I love you keep going “

Ralph’s beautiful mantra 
became mine too.

Keep  your hearts open ( not broken )
So you can feel his loving presence surrounding us.

I love you Ralph , keep going🫶☀️

I was just showering (sober, alert, grounded) when suddenly, I felt their presence. It was instant, like Ralph and I were standing in the same room. I was overcome with waves of laughter and tears, the closest thing to a hug I could receive from them. I reached around the curtain and hit record on my phone as it rested on the edge of my sink, trusting the moment needed to be remembered.

Ralph and I became close at a distance. Spiritually. Energetically. We never met in person, but I always felt we would. I imagined being at one of their shows or sitting in a quiet room meditating together, hugging them the way they once described being cared for by Amma’s embrace. 

We first met through their courses, I was lost and searching for guidance during lockdown. We later began exchanging Reiki for IFS sessions, as Ralph never turned anyone away for lack of funds. We naturally related through our human experiences and overlapping liminal identities… rebellious inner punks, forever young, music lovers, horror movie fans, gender queers, bi-cultural Mexicans, silly heads who shared a longing for community care, for radical love, for change through compassion. 

That night, in the shower, Ralph said, clear as ever, “All the hugs you want bud. Come and get ‘em.”

I wept. We laughed. I thanked them again and again. For changing my life. For seeing something in me. For their love, compassion, humor, and wisdom.

Ralph’s presence was gentle and funny, full of their usual grace. I closed my eyes and they were right there, so supportive, just as always. Ralph’s first thing they’ve come to say is… “I’m okay. I’m okay. In fact, I’m more than ok. Not to say that you should rush to come and be here, but… AND, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s how it is meant to be. I am blessed to be part of God’s plan.”

There was a pause. We kept saying “God,” and I felt Ralph’s openness around that too, that anyone can call Love by whatever name they choose.

Ralph reassured me in the way only they could:

“Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay. That’s one message you can ALWAYS come back to. It’s going to be ok. At some point in time, it will be ok. Everything is always ok, because the details don’t matter. The energy behind it is what matters.”

I saw a purple heart. A butterfly. A projection, like a movie screen. A message was there, the beginning of many. Ralph nodded gently. Holding space with so much presence, their spirit communicating through a kind of light body language reminiscent of the way they so often would, a warm closed-lip smile with hands folded over their heart. “We’ll meet again.” They left me with a bow.

That night they left me with various songs playing softly in my mind. Since then, I’ve noticed white birds showing up in uncanny moments. While on the phone recounting this story to my dad as I drove, a white crane flew right across my windshield. Later, in a restaurant, just as I shared that story with my partner, I looked up to see a mural of white doves flying into the air.

A few days later, I dreamt with Ralph. In the dream, I was helping organize a send-off for a group of cyclists (reminiscent of AIDS LifeCycle). Ralph was to lead the group. They were the one we were all waiting for. Everyone wanted to offer them blessings and well wishes for the journey. I remember knowing, even in the dream, that Ralph had already passed, but still agreeing to the role I was playing. We were all there to say goodbye.

They were late (of course, ha!) but I smiled when I woke up. Anyone who knew Ralph knows that they were often running behind, late to Zoom meetings, to classes, in replying to messages, but always with grace. Never rushed. Never dismissive. Just fully present when they finally arrived. It made sense to me. Ralph was someone so many waited for, who meant so much to so many.

They’re in everything now. I feel them often. No one is left waiting. 

Ralph, thank you. Thank you for your radical softness, your humor, your devotion to care. You are loved. You are missed. You are everywhere. <3

Our compatible humors met quickly, the workshop happened in the huge SR Community Rooom. I suggested that it would be fun to have a bouncy house in there--Ralph loved that idea and that became a joke that we revisited over the years--in person or online. Ralph's inscription to me in "Monkey is the Messenger" is "Jim, To the bouncy house! Keep! awakening! love! (heart) Ralph DLR"

Yeah--keep bouncing Ralph--with love, JIm

generative heart

brilliant and crooked ass mind

a bodhisattva

of the zoom classroom

bearing witness to our parts

while revealing his

respectful teacher

compassionate clinician

gentle wounded soul

punk rock feminist

strong spine and genuine smile

fierce and fiery friend

meme enthusiast

deep, messy and honest life

rest in parts my friend

On that weekend I found myself in my first real loving kindness meditation experience about to have a panic attack when their voice broke thru guiding me back to my body. That short weekend introduced me to real tools that I didn't know I needed and with Ralph's love and support he continued to guide and coach me through one of the most challenging experiences of my life for the next few years.

I was fortunate to join Ralph in Mexico in 2019 for an IFS/Meditation and Plant Medicine retreat which proved to be a culmination of my IFS trauma work and next to a cenote in Mexico at the peak of my metabolising my anger, resentment and betrayal I cried in their arms. They just held me and let me release all that I was holding. It was a "brutiful" (brutal + beautiful) moment that I will never forget and am eternally grateful for.

I was given the gift of being part of the early cohort for Coming Home and meeting post pandemic in real life at our Colorado retreat. It was such a treat to have a long weekend filled with Ralphisms, meditation, yoga, shared meals, shared tears and many, many shared laughs. If I was near where Ralph found themselves...in LA, Brooklyn and Colorado I made a point to connect for a quick bite, big hug and share what was new in our lives.

Ralph helped me get my power back. They helped me get my voice back. Through IFS they helped me heal and it has been a gift that keeps giving and one that I am honored to share.

Ralph was a gift, a teacher who's lessons, words and spirit will live on with all who are lucky to know them. I honor Ralph by continuing in my practice, to lead my life with the C's....compassion, curiosity, clarity, calm, creativity and care. I love you Ralph and will miss you so so much.

About a dozen of us got together in my ex's family's summer cabin.

As her gift to me, Ambyr cooked for us. That's when Ambyr met Ralph.

I invited Ralph before I knew that October 16th was his birthday also. When I discovered this, and realized that he didn't have plans, I said, "We'll celebrate you too! It can be OUR birthday retreat." I had to convince him. I gently invited, entreated, perhaps cajoled. It worked!

We did Circling - IFS's distant, unsupervised, lawless cousin. I lost a friend to it. But that friend wasn't Ralph.

We beached, we circled, we ate Ambyr's lovefood, we went to a pumpkin patch (?), we talked and talked.

I treasure this image of us from our 2016 birthday.

I wish we had spent more birthdays together.

My birthday has always been a day with melancholy for me. Now I will hold myself tenderly in melancholy and grief for my birthday twin. Perhaps I will talk with Laura, my newly-discovered, Ralph-loving birthday twin, this year. For certain I will light a candle. And I will remember all the Ralph gifts.

I learned during yesterday's Zoom call celebration of your life that you had tried more than once to literally teach yourself how to fly. Me too, but before I got clean and sober many years ago, the only thing I was interested in was flying away from life.

And yet, even when I was still drinking, even before I had meditated for the very first time, I knew that there was something deep inside me that would free me some day. I just didn't know what to call it. Later, when I got sober and joined a Buddhist sangha, I learned that this loving space inside me was my Buddha nature.

And then years later, when I found you, dear Ralph, you helped me open the door to what I now know is my Self energy.

When I'm Free - Awakening in the

Body, is another song I wrote that I never had the courage to send to you. So here I am sharing it with you now as a way to thank you for leading me to the deep well of healing that's always been inside me called my Self energy. May I fly with you in another dream.

I first met Ralph twenty years ago in San Francisco, just a couple of weeks before the big departure to NYC. Ralph found me totally randomly on MySpace (!!) and suddenly this beautiful, wild, sweet storm of a stranger appeared on my Minna Street stoop. We were quick kindreds and loved each other from that moment on, mostly with many miles between us.

There is a bright and incredibly rare clarity surrounding each of my memories of the times we were together. Ralph was singular in every way and time with Ralph always felt extra alive.

Ralph energy=electric, tender, silly, awe-inspired, unruly, compassionate, encompassing, loving, true.

I feel so lucky.

Love love love to you, sweet Ralph and to all you touched with your wondrous spirit.

When I went back to school in 2019 to become a therapist myself, Ralph was always a source of support and encouragement. I was lucky enough to attend an IFS workshop with him at Kripalu last year and catch up over lunch and talk to him about everything from therapeutic approaches to the San Diego screamo scene.

Ralph was always an incredibly kind and genuine person. I feel lucky to have known him and he will be greatly missed.

Also, we made a demo of the song with a friend, Cliff, singing it. I would love to find a woman who knew and loved Ralph to volunteer to sing with Cliff. My friend, Dana is a studio engineer and and would offer any kind of help needed to make that happen virtually. You'd just have to have a music app to record into. Please message me on FB is you are interested in doing this.