Ellie took a shaky breath and began the walk downstairs. It had been only three days since Miah had… left. She couldn’t think of the word “death.” Not about him. It was too soon and too heavy right now. But this time, Miah’s leaving was permanent. Not like Marion’s was so long ago.

Ellie picked up the phone after she had made it downstairs. Slowly. Like she didn’t want to know who it was on the other end.

“Ellie?” Nelia’s voice. Ellie bit her tongue to steady her own voice, as if it would help somehow.

“Nelia.” Ellie said, her hands shaking. “I expected a call from you. I just didn’t know when, or if you would find my number somewhere…” But weren’t people always moving towards each other?

Nelia’s voice wavered on the other end. Ellie could tell she was crying. She didn’t blame her. “I found your number in Miah’s notebook. We’d like you to… to come to Jeremiah’s funeral. He would have wanted you there.”

The rest of the conversation between Nelia and Ellie passed. Ellie wanted to say so much more. But there was something she needed to say to Marion first.

“Mom.” It felt strange calling her that after so long. Almost wrong somehow. But Ellie didn’t have time to linger on that. “Did you hear about what happened three days ago?” Ellie did her best to try to steady her voice again and found that she couldn’t. Did it even really matter?

“Yes. These things are always a little hard to process, so—” Marion said, suddenly cut off by Ellie. Marion didn’t fully get it yet. Didn’t get what Miah meant to her. She would, though. Where would Ellie begin?

“His name was Jeremiah. I called him Miah.” Ellie took another deep breath. “Miah was my boyfriend. We were going out together. And I’m sorry for not telling you earlier, I just…” What was her excuse?

Marion’s expression seemed to switch from disappointed to sympathetic in just a matter of seconds. “How long did you keep all this hidden? Why? Elisha…”

“I was going to tell you three days ago. And then he was gone.” Ellie tried not to sob instead of breathe. Untangling this web of lies would take time. But Ellie could start now. “When I was absent from Trig that day… I was with him in Central Park. That’s why I didn’t want to explain.”

Marion put her hand on Ellie’s shoulder. This was… Uncharacteristic. But Ellie accepted it. “Is there anything else I should know about?”

Another shaky breath from Ellie. “Miah’s Black. And I talked to Anne on the phone about him, and she was all weird about it, so I assumed you would be too.” And I waited so long. Too long.

Marion looked surprised, but kept her usual calm tone. It seemed to lose some of its coldness, though. “Elisha, I wouldn’t. Not knowing what I know now.”

There was still so much to repair. Some things would never be fixed. Too much damage done to glue it back together.

But it was a start.

“Are you okay?” Marion yells up the stairs.

“Yes Marion.” Ellie says bluntly.

“Miah. I can’t live without you, please. Don’t leave me.” Ellie says quietly as her voice leaves her with sadness.

“Ellie.” A familiar voice came from her side. 

Ellie moves to her left to see where the voice came from. Except nothing was there.

“Ellie.” The voice calls out again.

“Miah!?” Ellie responds with her heart beating quicker.

“Ellie. You need to stop, you keep calling out to me.” Miah responds to her from the depths of her mind.

“Miah? Are you here?” She responds with haste.

Ellie sits for a couple seconds waiting for something to happen. Her heart racing for an answer.

“Ellie, please. You hear my voice and go crazy. You need to move on.” Miah appears in her mind as clear as day. 

“Miah, you’re back!” Ellie exclaims with excitement. Laying in bed staring at her ceiling with the biggest grin as tears rush down her face. She sees Miah standing next to the tree they first kissed under. 

“Please, I know you miss me, and I didn’t want to come here because I knew how you’d hope for me more.” Miah says with his body shrugged and voice sorrow.

“What do you mean Miah?” Ellie says scared of the answer she knows already.

“I’m gone.”

“And I can’t come back.” Miah exclaims.

“I love you Ellie. But you need to move on, for yourself.” Miah says with desperation.

Ellie feels as if the weight of everything was just doubled. She sinks into her bed sobbing. She knows Miah is gone. But she can’t let go. Everything she does is feeble and pointless. She knows deep down that she has to accept it. But maybe, maybe that was Miah coming to save my soul from drifting too far down the inescapable pit of void. 

“I love you Miah. I will never stop” She whispers one last time.

She is only met with silence.

 She was gripping the smooth wooden picture frame with such intensity she thought it might snap in half. Not that Ellie cared. Some small, annoying, voice at the back of her head was telling her to calm down, that it would all be okay. She was choosing to ignore that voice. 

     “Yeah me too, Ellie,” Carlton murmured back, just as softly. It was freezing outside, both of them sporting dry cracked lips, not that either of them really felt it. The two were sitting on the steps outside the church after the funeral service, a space of cold empty air between them. Empty air aching with the long gone presence of one Jeremiah Roseland. Ellie’s Miah, her kind eye’d, warm hearted, beautiful Miah who seemed so intrinsic to her life, and who now was gone. 

     Suddenly a sharp, painful lump built its way into her throat, her eyes watering for the thousandth time since “the incident.” That’s what she called it, “the incident”, because thinking about it had become too painful to bear as of late.

“I don't think I’ll ever forget him, I mean, not even in a million years,” Carlton admitted, the corner of his mouth twitching up in a sad sort of amusement. “You know, he used to always talk about being stuck behind his parents’ shadows, but I think he was way too bright to be overshadowed by anything.”

      Ellie raised her eyes from where she was staring a hole into the cement to turn and study Carlton for a second. Then, after a moment she smiled too, remembering the way Jeremiah would light up whenever he talked about his old friends, or basketball, or whatever he was passionate about at the moment. She recalled the day they skipped class to go to Central Park, the way they sat under the trees and the way he almost blinded her with his smile and his laugh and his wonderful, wonderful eyes. 

“Yeah, he was way too bright a star.” 

“What led you to shoot Miah?! An innocent boy!” Ellie said, aggressively cracks could be heard in her voice.

“He wasn’t listening to me when I told him to stop running.” The officer said snakingly 

Ellie felt warm tears rolling down her face.

“ You know you were in the wrong for shooting an innocent boy. He wasn't even the right person.” Ellie said  

“ I am very sorry and I know I was in the wrong for doing this.” The officer said while shaking very nervously 

“ You see, the judge admitted that he did wrong and is guilty.” Ellie said with anger

The judge then charged the officer with manslaughter and pleaded guilty with man slaughter for 13 years in prison.

“Who are you?” Anne asked a black boy. 

“Miah, I love your sister Ellie.”

“Ohh.. miah, i've heard a lot about you..”  anne says with disgust in her voice

“I'm sure you have, I've been really wanting to talk to you.” miah says softly

“What do you want to talk to me about?”

“I want to know what about me you hated so much? All I ever did was care for and love your sister.” 

“Uh -i just didn't approve of you for my sister and I think she could have found someone so much better than you.” anne says while avoiding eye contact with miah

“ But what did I ever do? I wasn't a bad boyfriend to her. Is it because of my skin color?”

“I-what um well i mean not specifically. Maybe a little but either way I don't think you were good for ellie.” 

“ anne.. Can I ask you something ?” miah says calmly 

“Sure?” 

“Do you think you would have ever been able to accept mine and Ellie's relationship if I was still alive?”

“ no. I don't think you were good for her and I knew I was right about you and you ended up hurting Ellie in the end. I wish I could have prevented it from happening when I had the chance.” Anne says with hate in her voice.

“It was never my intention to hurt her. Seeing Ellie hurt crushed me, if i could go back i would do everything I can to just be with Ellie for a second and give her a hug and tell her itll be okay. Anne.. whether this conversation changes your opinion on me i just want you to know that your sister was the love of my life and she meant the world to me. All I want to do is prove to you that I was worthy of being with your sister.”

Miah says with pain in his voice.

Anne just looks at him with no words able to come out of her mouth.

“Thanks for talking to me anne.. Goodbye.” miah says as she slowly disappears. 

  “ I didn't know what to do Marion, i was a kid, i wondered for hours if it was my fault” 

“Elisha, it was never your fault, I'm sorry” 

I stood up and stood in front of the sink, glass in hand. I felt my eyes watering, from frustration, anger, sadness. I shouldn't have brought this up in the first place, 

 I could feel Marion's eyes on me, wondering what i'm   going to do next.  I turned around and looked her in the eye, the room was silent, the only noise were the city noises and the water dripping from the water fountain. 

She stood up and reached for my hands, this time i didn't stanch them back. Suddenly it was like everything came crashing down, I fell into her arms crying, like I used to when I was little.

“I'm so sorry Elisha” Marion said as she held me in her arms, i felt her soft sweater on my cheek smelt like a mix of our laundry detergent and her perfume. I feel like a child again, like for a split second I could pretend she didn't leave and everything was fine, i was a little girl.