Paraphrase Week 5 by Peter Sturman https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0 Please paraphrase one sentence of the passage. Just one! en-us 2018-03-26 03:22:32 UTC 2024-11-21 16:06:01 UTC hello@padlet.com Paraphrase 3 In 1990, scientists from all over the globe met in a conference and agree that the Aral Sea region was ecologically disaster area. This was first response of scientists to Aral Sea's severe problem. mary_whitsell https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245937857
CAS corrections:
In 1990, scientists from all over the globe met in a conference and agree agreed that the Aral Sea region was an ecologically disaster disastrous area. This was the first actual response of scientists to Aral Sea's severe problem.

CAS feedback:
Thank you for your paraphrase. There are few minor grammar mistakes, but overall, you have done a good j of of conveying the original meaning. Be careful of the combination of an 'adverb', 'adjective' and 'noun'. For example, ''disaster and area' are nouns which should follow after an adjective instead of an adverb. If you want to keep the adverb, then you should follow the structure of 'adv --> adj --> n.' such as 'a seriously (adv) damaged (adj) area (n)' or 'a really (adv) expensive (adj) item (n)'.]]> 2018-03-26 04:14:08 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245937857 Paraphrase 11 The Aral Sea environment crisis received the first response on a meeting where scientists all over the world met and found that certain area could suffer from an ecological disaster in 1990. https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245959454
CAS corrections:
The environmental crisis in the Aral Sea region environment crisis received the first response on in a meeting where in 1990 in which scientists from countries all over the world met and found affirmed that certain the area could become suffer from  an ecological disaster that people could no longer live there. in 1990.

CAS feedback: 
Thank you for your paraphrase. Be careful with your word choices. For example, if you read other feedback here, you will see that 'environment' should be written in adjective form (environmental) to modify the noun 'crisis'. Although most of your paraphrase is understandable, 'certain area' does not convey the meaning you intend -- 'the Aral Sea area'. It is better to write this as 'the area' or 'this area', which refer back to 'the Aral Sea (region'. The phrase 'suffer from an ecological disaster' is also fine, but in this case, the point is that the area already IS suffering from this; what you need to explain is that if farming practices are not changed, the area will not be fit for human life.

]]> 2018-03-26 07:05:26 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245959454 Paraphrase 10 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245969493 Scientists claimed that such measures need taking, otherwise, the region would have nothing to support human settlements.

CAS corrections:
Scientists claimed that such measures need to be taken taking  Otherwise, it would not be possible for the region would have nothing to support human habitation (settlements). (Or: the region would become unfit for human habitation)


CAS feedback:
Thank you for your work. First of all, work on your use of the passive. For example, 'such measures need taking' is better expressed in the passive voice as the measures need to be carried out or taken by someone else. Also, when using passive voice, make sure that you have the combination of the 'to be verb" (e.g. the cake was eaten) together with the past participle (e.g. the money was stolen) of the main verb.  Or you can use a noun phrase like 'the importance of implementing the measures': Scientists stressed the importance of implementing these changes.  ]]> 2018-03-26 07:49:47 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245969493 Paraphrase 5 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245976919 The preservation of ecological condition  of the Aral Sea was not emphasized by scientists until 1990.

CAS corrections:
The preservation destruction of the ecological condition of the Aral Sea area was not addressed emphasized by scientists until 1990.

CAS feedback:
Thank you for your paraphrase. It is easy to understand, and it has a clear structure. However, you need to be careful of the key focus of the sentence, which is 'response to the crisis' instead of to the preservation. Also, the text tells us about  the first scientific response in 1990 but we do not know if there were other responses to the issue from other organizations (environmentalists, for instance), so it is better to include 'scientific' to indicate the first ever actual response made by the scientific community. ]]> 2018-03-26 08:24:59 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245976919 Paraphrase 1 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245979382 Paraphrased Sentences
In 1990, the serious ecological situation of Areal Sea was first formally publicized by scientists. According to the agreement they made in an international meeting, to avoid the continuous living of residents in Areal Sea to be threatened as a result of environment pressure, substantial agricultural performances in this area must be changed as soon as possible.
CAS Corrections: 
In 1990, the serious ecological situation of the Aral Sea was first formally addressed by scientists. According to the agreement they made in an international meeting, to avoid the Aral Sea becoming unfit for human life, substantial changes in agricultural methods in this area should be made as soon as possible. 

CAS Advisor’s Feedback: 
Since the task was to paraphrase only one sentence, I am only correcting and commenting on the first one. You have done a good job of restructuring this, but ‘publicized’ changes the meaning significantly, as it means that the scientists spread the news of this disaster when the scientists merely addressed the issue by declaring that the Aral Sea area (watch your spelling!) was an environmentally damaged area. I admire your use of ‘serious ecological situation’; the fact that this region was ‘an ecological disaster area’ certainly shows that this is a serious problem. I’ve added ‘the’ in front of ‘Aral Sea’; although articles in English are extremely difficult, one easy rule to remember is that ‘the’ is used before geographical features like ‘sea’ and ‘ocean’. Please come to CAS Advising if you want to have advice on any of the other sentences in your paraphrase. 



]]> 2018-03-26 08:35:22 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245979382 Paraphrase 12 To alleviate the environment’s process of being destroyed, great amount of reformations of agricultural practices were in demand greatly. https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245984077
CAS Corrections:
To alleviate the environment’s process of being destroyed environmental destruction, great amount of comprehensive reformations of agricultural practices were in great demand greatly.

CAS Feedback:
Thanks for your paraphrase. First of all, your use of 'alleviate' here is admirable; the word works very well. The word 'comprehensive' is a more concise way of expressing 'great amount of', and works better here. Try to keep your sentences concise for easier understanding and more 'academic' writing. For example, 'environment’s process of being destroyed' can be replaced by 'environmental damage or destruction'.
]]> 2018-03-26 08:53:22 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/245984077 Paraphrase 6 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246007367 Scientists firstly identified the serious problems of Areal Sea in 1990. They holding a meeting argued that enormous amount of agriculture performances must be    altered quickly in this area. This could be a response to calm down the residents who were threatened attributed to environment pressure in this area.
CAS Corrections:
Scientists firstly identified the serious ecological problems of the Aral Sea region in 1990. They held holding a meeting which concluded argued that an enormous number amount of agriculture practices performances must be  altered quickly in this area. This could be a response to calm down the residents who were threatened attributed to environment pressure in this area .
They also warned that if measures were not taken, the area might become so polluted that people would no longer be able to live there.

CAS Feedback: 
(I will mainly restrict my feedback to your first sentence as you were asked to paraphrase only one sentence of the original text, but please read more carefully; your last sentences do not follow the meaning of the original text at all, as there is no mention of calming down the residents of the Aral Sea area. Please come to CAS Advising if you want more feedback on the rest of your paraphrase.) It is better to add 'environmental' or 'ecological' to before 'problems' to make this more specific. You should also include 'region' or 'area' after 'Aral Sea', since it is not the sea itself, but the surrounding area that people inhabit. Be careful with your use of tenses. 'Holding' has been changed to 'held' as this conference took place in 1990.



]]> 2018-03-26 10:37:38 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246007367 Paraphrase 7 It is not responded to the crisis of the Aral Sea environment in an actual scientific way until 1990, at which time a conference was organised for the meeting of scientists from all over the world to discuss and finally drew a conclusion that the region was suffering from a disaster in terms of ecology. https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246359652 CAS Corrections:
 The scientific community
responded to the crisis of the Aral Sea environment in an actual scientific way in 1990, at which time a conference was organised for the meeting of scientists from all over the world to discuss and finally draw a conclusion that the region was suffering from a disaster in terms of ecology.]]> 2018-03-27 05:30:38 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246359652 Paraphrase 8 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246431308 The first formal version of scientific feedback to the devastation on the surroundings of Aral Sea to which worldwide scientists reached an agreement in the meeting should date back to 1990. Alterations are demanded in the agricultural activities to prevent the damage of the local nature, otherwise it is claimed seriously by scientists that the whole area would transform into the abandoned land without productivity and livability.

CAS Corrections:
The first formal version of scientific feedback  response to the devastation of the area around the Aral Sea to which worldwide scientists reached an agreement in the meeting should dates back to 1990. Alterations were demanded in agricultural activities to prevent the damage of the local nature. If these issues were not addressed, scientists argued, otherwise it is claimed seriously by scientists that the whole area would be transformed into the abandoned land without productivity and livability.
CAS Feedback:


]]> 2018-03-27 11:23:46 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246431308 Paraphrase 4 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246459244 The Aral Sea environment problem finally receive an academic response in 1990. This conclusion which came up with a scientific session stated that the environmental crisis should be significantly considered  in agricultural area during its innovation. In contrast, the sea area would be destroyed if the warnning did not be paied attention to. 

CAS Corrections:
The Aral Sea environmental problem finally received an academic response in 1990 at an international conference.. This The conclusion at this meeting was that the environmental crisis needed significant changes made in agricultural changes. In contrast, the sea area would be destroyed if the warning was did not paid attention to. (OR...if the warning was not heeded / if people ignored the warning).
CAS Feedback:   (As you were asked to paraphrase only one sentence, I will restrict my comments to mainly the first two sentences. Please come to the CAS Advising if you would like to discuss the other changes made here.)  Although I corrected many areas here, you did a good job of rearranging the text and the meaning was generally easy to follow.  (Please read the feedback given to Paraphrase 2 on the use of 'environment' vs 'environmental' as an adjective.) Proofread your writing; 'received' should be used here. I've added where the academic response to the Aral environmental crisis made reached; you can then follow this with 'the conclusion at this meeting', which is easier to follow ('conference' = 'meeting') Your use of 'This conclusion' is confusing because although you refer to a response, you do not mention an actual  conclusion.

]]> 2018-03-27 12:46:52 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246459244 Paraphrase 2 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246554563 The second sentence
To stop the environment damage, there are lots of practices in agriculture that need to be considered immediately.

CAS Corrections:
To stop the damage to the environment, there were  lots of a number of practices in agriculture that needed to be considered and changed immediately. 

CAS Advisor’s Feedback:  

Your paraphrase accurately expresses the meaning of the original, and you have made a number of effective changes in both vocabulary (urgently/immediately) (reverse/stop) and structure. Work on academic style (avoid ‘lots of’ in academic writing) and your use of tenses (the past tense in ‘were’ should be reflected in your paraphrase, since this is referring to what happened in 1990). In addition, I changed ‘environment damage’ to ‘damage to the environment’. Although we sometimes use nouns as adjectives, this is mainly done when there is no appropriate adjective that can be used (and in this case, we have ‘environmental’). Good work, and thank you for explaining which sentence you were paraphrasing!  

]]> 2018-03-27 15:37:17 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246554563 Paraphrase 9 the 1st sentence : ) https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246795428 International expects held a convention in 1990 at which they first judged environment around the Aral Sea as a serious area of ecological destruction.

CAS Corrections: 
International expects held a convention in 1990 at which they first judged the environment around the Aral Sea as a serious area of ecological destruction. This was the scientific community's first response to the environmental crisis in the Aral Sea area.

CAS Feedback:
Your paraphrase is a sophisticated, accurate piece of writing. Good work! I have added the definite article 'the' before 'Aral Sea' (see feedback given in Paraphrase 1) and, since you were paraphrasing the first sentence, added a second sentence to explain that this was the first time that scientists had responded to the Aral Sea environmental crisis.

]]> 2018-03-28 07:52:35 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/246795428 Paraphrase 14 https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/247165345 In 1990,  the envirionmental crisis of Aral sea has come to be responded scientifically at the first time, it is concluded by the scientists from all over the world when they had a meeting that the place has been destroyed ecologically.]]> 2018-03-29 08:01:59 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/247165345 Paraphrase 13 peter_sturman https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/247418303 Scientist claimed that if people did not change practices of agriculture, the Aral Sea region will be spoil. If this happened, people cannot live in this area.]]> 2018-03-30 01:08:00 UTC https://padlet.com/peter_sturman/473eqlei30y0/wish/247418303