The escalation of the conflict in Ukraine has been going on for months. My friends and acquaintances, anyone who's got anything to do with it get tons of questions. I do too.

This makes sense, people reach out with genuine concern, they worry and want to know more, and this is understandable. But since most people have no first-hand experience whatsoever about what it is like to live with this acute uncertainty, what is is like when that's over and the war that's been going on for 8 (!!) years escalates, questions are often really insensitive or inconsiderate.

I do not want to speak in anybody else's name, but having spent much of the past 3 months in Kyiv, I have some hints about how not to ask Ukrainian friends about what's going on.

1. War started 8 years ago, this is not a sudden event. Your surprise tells them you have not been paying much attention, or that news only really get to you once the situation escalates. It has been important throughout these 8 years. Latest since last November we knew that it was fragile and could blow up at any moment. 

2. Questions like 'What's gonna happen? What can we expect?' are better avoided. Uncertaintly is a big enough burden and you don't want to push anyone to face it or engage in this grim calculus other than they would do on their own initiative. 

3. Inform yourself before you reach out, asking locals should not be a shortcut, you should not put anyone in the situation that they need to explain stuff to you, or help you feel well-informed. They are likely exhausted, have friends and family in danger, and even if they don't, it's really not easy now for anyone.

4. 'Will your family evacuate?' Before you ask this spend a moment remebering the walls and fences on our borders that we failed to protest. Do you know for sure that they have a chance to leave? That they would be let in to neighbourging countries that have jeopardised and eroded the rights of refugees and migrants for many years? Do you know how long a Ukrainian citizen can stay in an EU country without a visa? If someone needs support in evacuating, they will say so. It's probably good to ofer support if you can, and tell them you are ready to do so, but it's probably enough to stop at that. 

5. Normal life needs to carry on. It's good to just talk, and talk about something else than the war. 

Solidarity.