Sassiness, eyerolling, disrespect, talking back, pushing back, arguing with requests, sarcasm, being condescending, refusing, make me attitude, or blame shifting.

Examples:

Your 9-year-old rolls their eyes and says, “Whatever, mom,” or “bruh.”

Your teenager gets a curfew, and they tell you that you’re the worst mom in the whole wide world.

Another example:

You tell your child to put their dirty dishes in the sink, they say no, and don’t do it after asking them more than 3 times. So, now you're frustrated and you feel disrespected and mad, so you lose it.

But losing it and talking back to your child is like you’re stepping down to meet them on their level, or taking it very seriously can undermine your relationship. This doesn’t “teach” them a lesson or to be more respectful.

Dr Aliza's input on developmental context:

Toddlers

Have limited language, and a lot of times they show physical expressions of their frustration. So, their backtalk is pretty limited to just a lot of "NO!"

And no is very developmentally appropriate, no is saying, this is the only word I know as a toddler. Toddlers don't know what it means to push back by saying no, so they're going to try it and see what happens.

Early Elementary school ages (5-8)

They now have a lot more words added to their vocabulary. But they don't have the skills to follow all the social rules. So, they start to repeat phrases that they heard from social media or at school, or maybe they saw someone eye roll, etc. They're testing it out, but they don't necessarily know if they've gone too far in offending someone or if the phrases are okay to say.

Middle school childhood

They have a better ability to argue. They have the cognitive capacity to understand that they don't like what's happening, and they'll start to question authority. As their critical thinking develops and their peers are influencing them, wanting their peers' approval becomes more interesting than having their parents' approval.

Adolescence

It's when teens begin to test the waters and start to pull and push back and away and back again. This is when teens want to be more independent, and go off and be on their own, and then they need to come back to you to remind themselves that you're still there. Their pushback is part of their identity formation, and they'll start rejecting parents and family members. Their peer relationships become more relevant to them.

If the pushback becomes a typical way of communication at home, then that's when one should speak to a pro.

https://www.numberanalytics.com/blog/developmental-contexts-across-lifespan#:~:text=Conclusion,optimal%20development%20across%20the%20lifespan.

https://www.kidsfirstservices.com/first-insights/cognitive-growth-in-early-years

1. Breathe and pause – before responding, take a deep breath and count to six. This short pause can turn off your “fight” response.

2. Acknowledge the feeling behind the words – understand that behavior is communication. What is your child trying to tell you?

3. Set clear boundaries with natural consequences – explain to your child that disrespectful language has consequences.

4. Offer a “Do-Over” – a do-over gives everyone a second chance to express themselves appropriately.

5. Collaborative problem-solving – include your child in the problem-solving process within your set boundaries.

6. Change your voice (lower and slow down) – by lowering and slowing down your voice (neurobiological mirroring), you can help bring their nervous system down and encourage a more respectful tone from them.

7. Connect before you redirect – As Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson suggest, this means connecting with your child first to open their brain for learning and cooperation.

8. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements – To minimize defensiveness and shame, focus on how you feel.

9. Offer limited choices – Empower your child by giving them choices, even when a boundary is firm.

10. Have conversations during calm moments – Save important conversations about backtalk for a calm time.

10 Ways to Respond to Backtalk Without Damaging Your Relationship. Raising Good Humans with Dr. Aliza.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raising-good-humans/id1473072044