I was determined to move on, and I understand that hurt is part of the 'moving on' process, but I can't take the emotions and hurt that starts to get raw within. It's too much; enough to cause me to drop whatever I'm doing to grief.

There are so much more issues and troubles within me that I knew I had been successfully suppressing all these while. I'm afraid. What if one day, everything just comes to me all at once? Will I be able to cope? That heartbreaking feeling is more than enough for me to struggle. While I always told myself that facing the emotional feelings that came along with the heartbreak will help you let it out and move on faster but this time I felt I'm contradicting myself. I'm more skewed towards suppressing emotions. Will it be better? I don't know.

I have been trying very hard to distract myself from reality and the emotions by keeping myself busy: learning balloon sculpting, joining camps, going for runs/gyms/swim, going/volunteering for events and projects. It has been two weeks, and I thought I was moving on just fine, yet reality struck again today.

Suddenly being exposed and finding out more about you started making me hurt. How long more will this continue? Initially, I thought to myself that I don't think I will be able to move on that fast, but it seems fine all these while apart from the occasional flashbacks.

It will be hard. It will be tough especially when I'd been with you close to a year and held you so close to my heart. Have relationships nowadays changed? Am I doing it all right? Am I having too many expectations in a relationship? What made me have these expectations for a relationship? All these questions I'm still asking myself since the start that I've met you.

It has been close to a week that I last talked to you or texted you. I don't know if I should continue keeping the distance that we have right now especially when I'm still quite confused and angry about all that happened. What will be better? I still can't believe that you had found someone that fast while I'm still grieving. It will probably hurt so much lesser now if you hadn't found that someone. I would still probably continue to talk to you now and giving you support. Now that you have someone, I will leave the job of that care of you all these while to someone else. I will let that someone, feed you when you don't want to eat, accompany you when you are on your period or when you're sick and motivate when you needed it. I will do none of that anymore.

Sometimes, what we think is the best for that someone special, is apparently not what he/she think is the best.

All the while, I always tell myself that we will be able to work things out if both of us are willing to talk and discuss it. That is probably the reason why I'm always giving you chances after chances because I felt we could be the best. Sadly, what I think is the best was a month ago, was probably what you think was not. The best for you was probably leaving me.

I thought we both had a proper closure, but apparently no, I'm still grieving, but you had moved on.

That's the worse lie I can tell anyone right now. I'm not fine, really. I'm barely surviving, I'm hardly ready to be myself again. Oh, how I missed my old self. A happy kid in the first few months of poly wasn't I?

I've lost my confidence in communication totally right now. Look at the difference comparing the start till today, how had I changed. Can you see the difference eh? A once sociable kid has now reduced to nothing. Why? Why had that happened? Am I really of an outcast now?

Oh yes of course I am. I've lost the skill of communication with my peers; I'm in no one's clique all because of that. People tell me I'm irritating, annoying, and just shut up. But only if they knew what was I trying to hide. All the lame jokes, all the nonsense that comes out from my mouth, are just a way to cover up what I feel while communicating with people. I've nothing else proper to talk about, I don't give my views much when people talk, I am not worth the attention from others.

These recent three months had been harsh on me. Secrets of which I had suffered to suppress before, my insecurities, my esteem are all coming out at once. I'm (censored age) already; I should be more mature. How? The environment that I'm in is not helping, in fact, deteriorating to my way of coping with the emotions. I've lost my partner, the one whom I always do stuff with together, eat together, go home together, shop together though she is usually the one buying stuff, and the one whom I used talked to every day. In the process of having a partner, to give her more attention, more quality time, I forsake those friends whom I used to be with before being together with her, be it poly or secondary school friends. Besides, people now have formed their cliques and now with this situation, I'm left with no one to go. Not that I cannot but I don't want to, I don't want to feel uncomfortable being with people who had been friends for seven months because they will be more focused on talking among themselves. Furthermore, with my esteem on communication-wise, it worsens the situation because I can't think something good to say out, to start conversations.

WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE? I WAS THE ONE MAKING LOTS OF NOISES, WALKING AROUND TALKING TO PEOPLE EASILY. NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?

It's not easy dealing with this loss of my partner because I'm left alone now, doing things that I used to do with her, alone. I'm glad she has a group of friends now; she knows how to make lots of friends, but I don't. When I'm in a relationship, I focus on her alone. Maybe that is my flaw in life. Honestly, it hurts looking at her having fun with her friends while I'm alone by myself. I don't text much with anyone when I'm together with her; I guess my greatest mistake is to break off from friends and give my attention to her. But.. I want to give my attention to her; I want her to feel important...  it hurts to see her being happy, able to talk to all her friends about her problems whereas I've no one.

Does anyone know how I feel now? I want to be alone because I will be quiet in front of people at this period of my life, but I also want friends. But I don't want to feel an outcast in a group of friends just because I can't speak up much. 

Dpes anyone feel me?

It hurts. My heart might not even take it anymore I just want to slowly fade away from the world.. just kidding, I'm still strong enough. Joke. I honestly just want to lie on my bed forever, I will look so peaceful because dead people do look peaceful and all I want is peace in my life.

"I'm still in love you."

*story of the writer's past emotional struggles in poly