One of warmth and nurturing 

The other of indifference and change

Adaptability 

Plight

The indignation of not knowing enough

While knowing too much.

Because I can’t speak with the fluidity of running water

If water could speak, 

would it do so in the language from where it flows from? 

If a flowing river-

Would the ocean refuse to accept it, so long as it gave all of itself to it?

Does that water think “I am insufficient.”1

The mind of child

yearning for acceptance

Needing to feel empowered 

embracing the tools of fate

Fueling my self doubt in the glimmer of nothing 

within the eyes of the exalted

Accepting that I knew too much, 

while not knowing enough.

In my shame, 

Of who I was because of where I came from 

Learning to express 

mythoughtsmyprayersmyfearsmysenseofself

In words that did not make sense

But will

with care and study2

Identifying as an ESL student

instead of myself

Because my identity WAS the same thing.

Subtractive Bilingualism3 

discreetly chipping at the base of my foundation

removing roots of identifying features

the roll of my tongue

the movement of sounds from my lips

those that came before I could form real words

mimicking my elders before me

like a lullaby of familiarity. 

In growth I learned to adapt to my environment

to immerse myself in my new culture

To be accepted

I needed to commit to the image. 

Americana. 

Red. White. Blue. 

The white, a flag of surrender 

of my mother tongue.

Oppressed by my own dialogue. 

The white, a flag of surrender 

of my mother. 

Family. 

The difference of generations and expectations. 

The difference of how one mother 

can lead her flock 

to water, instead of point out the issue with the vessel

carrying the water. 

Where I can be, what my mother couldn’t, 

to my own flock, and 

admire who they have become, 

in spite of me. 

Recuperating myself. 

Finding the version of me

that speaks proudly on paper. 

Owning myself in the process of 

my own learning, “dislearning”, relearning, unlearning, 

reencuentro, “el-learno”, reconocimiento 

of loving my own palabras 

Imperfecciones and all,

reciting them under a tree in my yarda. 

Are they the words I once used first, 

or are they the words I only use now?

*********************************************************

¹A call back to Grande’s essay.

²In a study done by Gabriela Rosas for California State University, she describes “a combination of studies it was noticed that the majority of students acquisition of English occurs in schools through the implementation of special teaching methods such as group activities and visuals. While students are able to maintain their native language as they use it at home.”

³According to Waterford.org, Subtractive Bilingualism (Multilingualism) is defined as “when a student learns additional languages at the expense of their first language, often because educators discourage them from maintaining it on an implicit or overt level.”

Works Cited:

Grande, Reyna. “Losing My Mother Tongue.” Nepantla Familias, Texas A&M University Press: 2021

Rosas, Gabriela, "Acquiring English as a Second Language for Mexican American Students" (2015). Capstone Projects and Master's Theses. 523. https://digitalcommons.csumb.edu/caps_thes/523

Minshew, Andy. “How To Teach With An Additive Over Over Subractive Mulitilingualism Mindset” Waterford.Org. 13 May, 2025. https://www.waterford.org/blog/additive-vs-subtractive-bilingualism/