Is there really a better life for me? Because this sickness is what was driving me.

God saw inside of me the person I could really be.

He loved me inspite of the insanity, now His child is who I strive to be. 

My name is Heather and I am writing this in hopes that it can be helpful to you. I want you to know that change is possible. No matter what your circumstance, or how many times you tried and failed. Maybe you're like me and have given up on yourself. Feeling defeated, like you will never be able to have any normalcy in your life. Maybe you have no one in your corner and you feel all alone like no one cares about you. Well you are wrong, I do I care and there are so many others out there in the world that care about you too. 

I know that you are thinking that that is a load of crap, and I understand, I did too. I felt like no one cared about anyone, it was a dog eat dog world. Everyone was out for themselves and I definitely coulden’t trust anyone. My life was A revolving door of addiction, and jail. Never really living because the only thing on my mind was a bag of dope. Because without the dope I would be sick. I lived to use and used to live.

It didn’t take long for me to lose control of my life. I became a slave to drugs. Hurting people I cared about until they just couldn’t take it any more and cut me out of their life. And of course I took that to mean that they didn’t love me any more, even though I was the one lying, stealing, and so high that I couldn’t walk straight or keep my eyes open. It never crossed my mind that they were either just tired of being robbed by me, or that they just couldn’t bear to see me like that anymore.

Since I was so high all the time I definitely couldnt hold down a job. Either I was so high at work that I couldn’t function or I was more worried about getting high and just didn’t go to work. There were even a couple jobs I lost because I was caught stealing so I could keep up my habit. So of course I lost my apartment, and had nowhere to go. Hopping from place to place until they all ran out because I found a way to screw them over. Eventually resulting in me having to sleep outside.

With no job to help pay for my drugs I had to do things I would have never done if I wasn’t on drugs. But even that wasn’t enough. It got to the point that I felt like I was going crazy. I started to hear and see things, feeling like everyone was hearing my thoughts and I could hear theirs. I was down right losing my mind.

I ended up getting arrested again…. This time I was over it. I needed to stay clean no matter what. But there was a part of me that was scared that I couldn’t do it. I have wanted to before but failed everytime. So this time I was willing to go to a program and would have been giving myself more time than I would have been sentenced. But that didn’t work out because the program I wanted was only for people that were looking at prison time. It was offered to me at one point in my life but I wasnt ready. I chose prison because I would get out faster and I wasn’t ready for a change at that point.

So I ended up taking the 7 months they offered to me but I still wanted to be done with the life I was living. I leaned into my higher power that I call God. I prayed alot and stayed in His word. I tried to get BayCare involved but they never responded. So I did the only thing I could do, I put it in God's hands. 

Then one day out of the blue the sergeant came into the laundry room informing the depuities that all sentenced trustees are going to the Hope Shot that Friday. That we were to be allowed to leave work early to go. I had no idea what the Hope Shot was but when Friday came I knew It was something because classifications showed up to it as well.

It was the answer to all my prayers! I shared what I was going through and was told they were going to get BayCare involved for me as well as the re-entery team. I ended up getting set up with a case manager and a therapist, which at the time I was not too excited about the therapy part. But I was willing to do whatever it took to get my life back. 

My case manager set me up with sober living, which again I wasn’t too excited about either. There were alot of rules you have to abide by like AA or NA meetings, curfew, drug test, and other house rules. I had never even been to a meeting and now they want me to do 90 in 90. But I agreed because I knew what I was doing wasn’t working.

So my therapy started while I was still in jail and no matter my feelings, I decided to take it seriously. I actually opened up and I did all the assignments given to me. I also decided to go to sober living and give myself a shot at life. Before I got released my therapist asked me who I had out there as far as a support system. I had to tell the truth, no one. And that made me feel some type of way.

Upon my release I was supposed to have an uber provided by BayCare there to pick me up. So I went out to the stop sign and waited, but life started lifeing right away. The uber was a no show, and there was a girl I had done some of my time with while I was there that had gotten released as well. She was waiting on an uber from BayCare too. But unlike me she was just going to a motel. Well hers didn’t show either so she went in and had her sugar daddy order an uber. I knew she was going to get high, but I needed a ride but had no idea where the house was that I was going to, and I couldn’t call my case manager from the phone in the lobby. 

So I asked her if I could ride with her up to 52 and 19 and that I would walk the rest of the way to my moms house. That was a hard ride knowing I could just go with her and get high. But I prayed and relied on my higher power for the strength to do the right thing. So we got to the 7 eleven and I got out and walked to my moms. When I got there I didn’t even hug her. I just asked for her phone and called my case manager. He got off the phone with me and  ordered me an uber to go to the sober living house.

I got there and was just happy that I made that first right choice. I got settled in and hit the ground running. Immediately started my food stamp application and my job search. Ended up with two job interviews set up that first day. I also went to my first meeting, and I have to say it was not what I expected. There was a girl at ther door that geeted me in a way that had me left feeling like she knew me. She was happy to see me and gave me a hug, but I couldn’t place her face. Well that's because I didn’t know her, that was the greeter.

I did all the things that were suggested to me, because the promise attached to them was if I did them with earnestness and rigorous honesty I would remain sober. So I got a sponsor, found a home group, got a service commitment, and worked the steps. And let me be clear there were definitely hard times. Living with 10 to 15 other women isnt something I would normally do. All the personalities, that's all I will say about that. Plus our group chat used to drive me nuts, and in the beginning I took everything that was posted personally.

Oh, and the job hunt…. That was always a big bust. One interview I went to, the employer shut me down before the interview even started because of my background. When I left that not so interview I was nearly in tears. That's when I started crying out to God, when I walked through the door I got a phone call frome someone I connected with at the All Ways Center’s grand opening. She offered me a job. I knew that God heard me, that was no coincidence, I don’t believe in coincidences.

I also ran into someone I used to high with, and on another occasion I ran into my old drug dealer. I even had drugs put in my face but everytime I prayed I left the situation and went to a meeting or talked to someone in my now large support system. 

I read my Bible everyday, and make sure to put my recovery first. I see my therapist every week and earnestly work the program. I also read alot of books that help me in life. I have my recovery coach through the Hope Shot and P.S. she still goes to the jail every other Friday tring to reach out to people. I have a relationship with my parents again, I got baptized, I have a service commitment at my church, I am working the AA program and I am on the literature committee of which I am the secratary, I still have my home group service commitment. I also have vaulnterred my time to help with the Anneversy Dinner for AA. I attend things like NA’s unity day and other fun fellowships with my new found friends that I completely trust and can rely on.

It still gets hard trying to juggle everything and to add on more I got a gym membership and am starting to eat healthy. But even though there are hard days I wouldn’t go back to the life I was living. I did it for far too long as it is.

I really hope that this has given you some hope. You can do it, I know you can. Hell if I can do it anyone can. 

Emotionally and mentally drained not sure I could ever really change. One foot in front of the other just trying to do the next right thing. With my past haunting me it was hard to see the person I was striving to be. Oh, and my criminal history was making things much harder on me, so finding a job wasn’t easy for me. Not knowing how to cope wouldn’t it be easier to just go do dope? All the things my brain 

kept telling me. Trying not to succumb to all the insanity

A HUGE barrier during my husband and daughter 's addiction, was my depleted sense of hope. The glass was ALWAYS half empty. Rather than finding hope, I looked for sadness, anger, and perhaps even shame. My outlook was clouded by thoughts that were dark and negative. I was not in a place that would allow anyone to try and "fill the glass"

In my mind and heart the glass had holes that would leak any hope that could be poured to fill it.

“Set your affection on things above, not on things of the Earth.” Colossians 3:2

“Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

“For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.” Romans 7:19-20

“You need to get help, but don’t ask us for it.” 

Luckily I found a partner that supports me in whatever journey I’m on and now have a healthy, solid, partnership