Andrew Bui Photo Essay by Andrew Bui

Birth

abui057_ — 2023-11-25 23:05:05 UTC

I was born on September 17th, 2003 in Denver, Colorado; to two immigrant parents. My sister was also born in Denver a year later, and my family moved to San Francisco a year after that. My mom, sister, and I lived with my grandparents while my dad stayed in Denver to work. We lived at my grandparents’ place for about a year until my parents found a house for us to move into. I vaguely remember living at my grandparents’ place and moving into our current house. The documentaries: “Miss Representation” and “The Mask You Live In,” both by Jennifer Newsom, discuss how the gender a child is assigned at birth dictates the way they should act. The documentaries also talk about how it affects the way that adults treat children. Even in my earliest memories I remember my grandparents and parents telling me to be “strong” and to “take care of my sister”. Part of it was probably because I was the older sibling, but me being a boy and her being a girl definitely played a role in those statements. I started preschool the year we moved into our current house and started elementary school the year after.

Childhood

abui057_ — 2023-11-27 00:22:37 UTC

I have a lot of fond memories from elementary school. From playing basketball and handball during recess, to making friends that I still talk to today. Holidays like Christmas, and Halloween used to feel a different type of special. Even the not so great memories–like falling and scraping my knee playing tag during recess in second grade on a rainy day–still gives a sense of comfort when looking back on that time. As much as I enjoy looking back on my childhood, I can’t deny that I didn’t pick up some bad habits and ideas during that time. “Feminist Men”, by Byron Hurt, talks about personal experiences, and how he was told as a young boy about what it means to be a “man”. I also experienced a lot of the same, where I would be told to “suck it up” or “man up” at home. Even from a young age, I picked up at school that it was more ok for girls to cry and show their emotions, whereas it wasn’t the case for boys. Elementary school was a great time in my life, but it was also a time where I picked up on rather toxic ideas.

Middle/Highschool

abui057_ — 2023-11-27 00:36:29 UTC

Middle school was somewhat similar to elementary school. The demographic at my middle school was a lot more diverse than that of my elementary school. My ideas of what it meant to be a “man” continued to be reinforced even further however. I made the school basketball team and heard things like “suck it up”, “show no fear”, and “man up” almost every day in practice. I don’t think my coach meant for us to apply these words into everyday life, but it’s hard for that not to happen. Things started to change in high school, specifically in homeroom. My homeroom teacher–not sure if she was forced to or not–would always talk about mental health. She’d always say that it’s ok to express your feelings, that you can always talk to her, and provided other resources. I rejected these ideas at the time because I had been kind of told something different my whole life, but this planted a seed in my mind that would go on to grow.

Quarantine

abui057_ — 2023-11-27 01:06:56 UTC

Things really started to change once Covid-19 came about and quarantine was a thing. I had very little social interaction, and I wasn’t very happy. One thing that did make me happy however, was watching the NBA. I remember in the “NBA Bubble” I watched every single playoff game that took place over the course of the month and a half. During this time, a lot of the NBA players were advocating for taking care of your mental health, and it being ok as a man to seek help and express your feelings. I began seeing content on Instagram and TikTok fighting back on gender norms, this in combination with the NBA players talking about it really made me think about it. The TED Talk, “We Should All Be Feminists,” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, talks about different gender norms that bogs people down. Men shouldn’t feel hesitant about showing vulnerability, and women should feel free to express themselves however they want. Basically nearly nothing but negatives come out of abiding by gender norms. I began to truly question and began challenging these gender norms over quarantine.

College

abui057_ — 2023-11-27 01:18:31 UTC

My ideas on gender norms have gradually shifted since coming to college–I think that interacting with so many different people has played a huge role in it. I’ve personally started feeling more comfortable with being vulnerable and expressing my emotions since coming to college. This is the happiest and freest I’ve felt in a long time, and I think that this mindset shift has contributed to this happiness. I still catch myself thinking toxic gender norm thoughts from time to time. I’m not perfect, but I’m working towards undoing my previous mindset, and being free from gender norms to allow myself and hopefully others to live the happiest life possible!