I asked my mother what I was like as an infant. I learned that I cried a lot as an infant.  She indicated that I regularly seemed uneasy and was hard to console.  At a certain point (she did not remember how old I was), she said she just left me to console myself since I did not seem to want to be consoled by her.

I believe I resolved this crisis with mistrust. In Child, the author states, "It is important to remember attachment is a relational process; that is, child temperament and parenting interact......An infant's irritability may work against the development of secure attachment but not if the mother has the skills to cope with the baby's temperament" (Martorell, 2023, p 152). I was a highly anxious infant, and my mother did not have the skills to help me and became highly anxious herself. Her way of dealing with this was to simply leave me to care for my other siblings who were not as anxious and hard to console. As a result, as an infant, I failed to develop a secure attachment with her. Also, I was left by myself quite a bit and did not develop a sense of safety in my environment.

I have been told many times that as a toddler I would often go and play in a secluded place such as behind the couch or in a closet.  My mother explained that she was happy to have a child who would not “fuss” and happily play by herself.  As an adult looking back on my childhood, I realize I did this because my home was unstable with an authoritarian father and a distant mother.  This caused a lot of unsettled emotions as I was temperamentally fearful of wrong doing of any kind because of my volitive father. As a toddler I was wary of new things and was too fearful to assert my independence.

In Child, the author states that "Toddlers begin to substitute their own judgment for their caregivers’. The strength that emerges during this stage is will. As children are better able to make their wishes understood, they become more powerful and independent" (Martorell, 2023, p 156). Because of my strong fear, I did not develop a sense of independence or will. I did not make my wishes known. Instead, I chose to simply try to stay out of sight by hiding to play. I resolved stage II crisis with shame and doubt. I never knew when it was safe, therefore I did not develop a sense of my own will; except to simply not be seen. At this stage I also lacked the confidence to try new things.

This is the stage where I start to remember my chidlhood clearly without needing help. We lived in a rural setting far from town, so I did not have many interactions with other children until I started Kindergarten at age 5. I clearly remember learning, through authoritarian discipline, what was expected of me at home for approval. In Child, the author states that, "Punishment that is too harsh can be harmful. Children who are punished harshly and frequently may have trouble interpreting other people’s actions and words..." (Martorell, 2023, p 222) I remember this to be true. I was still very fear based and felt guilt at any attention I received at home; as most of it was negative or disciplinary in nature.  This lead me to constantly question the motives of others. This constant obsession with wondering what others were thinking or how they may act, inhibited me from envisioning and pursuing my own goals.  I resolved this crisis with guilt.

However, toward the end of this stage I began Kindergarten. This is the first time I remember feeling "good" in any social situation.

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During this stage I began to love school.  I was eager to learn, and quickly learned that I would get positive attention from my teachers for work well done.  In turn, my parents were pleased with my achievements at school.  This positive association led me to pursue industry. I loved to master skills and complete tasks and developed a sense of pride in my accomplishments.  I resolved this crisis with industry.

In Child, the author states, "If children become too industrious, they may neglect social relationships and turn into workaholics" (Martorell, 2023, p 275). This statement describes exactly what I did. I become super focused on pursuing school, filling notebooks with papers, and asking for extra work from my teachers. The more praise I received from my teachers and parents the harder I worked. However, I avoided all the social aspects of school. I did not pursue any friendships and preferred to do my schoolwork by myself; never in groups. I did not compare myself to my peers.

This stage in my life was met with one crisis after another.  Due to the authoritarian nature of my father and his inability to hold a job, we moved 3 times.  The “industry” that I had developed was stripped aways as I was moved from one school to the next.  It was very confusing.  I was finally “asked” to leave my house when I turned 18 because I insisted that I wanted to go to college; something that my father did not approve of.  I left, but was unable to support myself and go to school at the same time.  I had failed to develop any other social relationships to help with my identity.  I was confused and did not know what type of occupation was available to me and I was unclear on what values I wanted to adopt. I had never been given the choice of values, only obedience, and now struggled to define values for myself. According to Child, "Adolescents who resolve the identity crisis satisfactorily develop the virtue of fidelity: sustained loyalty, faith, or a sense of belonging to a loved one or to friends and companions" (Martorella, 2023, p 336). I did not have a sense of belonging to loved ones or friends and had not had the opportunity to develop sustained fidelity. As a result, I resolved this crisis with identity confusion.

From my perspective, this is the stage when my life began to take a positive turn from the past. After settling down to a job and home of my own, I was able to form relationships with others in the workplace and socially. I got married at the age of 21. In the next ten years, I had 5 children and began to raise a family with my husband. I also bonded with my husband's family who supported me and treated me in an inclusive, loving, and strong family. I resolved this crisis with intimacy. I learned how to open myself up to loves ones and not be afraid of abandonment. I also worked hard to bond and show great affection to my growing children.

If one feels that they are contributing, such as raising children or being promoted in their workplace, they will feel a sense of generativity. If people feel they are not contributing or making an impact, they may experience stagnation. This can lead to unproductive thinking, a lack of growth, and feelings of emptiness.

I am currently 46 years old; which puts me in the middle of this stage of development. I have a thriving family. I have 5 children ranging in age from 17 to 25. They are all well-adjusted children who are leading successful lives. I am so proud of each of them. Three years ago, once my children were old enough to not need my constant care, I decided to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to college. With my family's full support, I started taking classes at Ivy Tech to pursue a teaching degree. I feel so blessed to be able to complete my education so "late" in life. I absolutely love the school atmosphere and feel full of energy and hope for the future. I am sure to resolve this crisis with generativity.

I have not reached this stage of development. However, I believe I will resolve this crisis with integrity. I am grateful for what I have been able to accomplish so far. I am also relatively happy with the choices I have made.