[WARNING: TANGENT FULL OF SPOILERS FROM THE MOST HARDCORE CASPER FAN. BUT HONESTLY, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS GUY; HE'S FRIGGIN' CASPER!!]

a duckling raised by the dead who later gets horribly slaughtered but is somehow still alive, a ghost school, Casper sobbing on his groin, Casper laying an egg, Casper's skin blanket (A-Haunting We Will Go), Casper's emo tombstone that has a sign with a portion from a Bible verse on it ('Love thy neighbor'), a calf's mother jumping over the moon, a fox cub raised by the dead who later gets horribly slaughtered and becomes a ghost right after (There's Good Boos To-Night), How to Win Friends by Dale Carnegie, mortgage loans, Casper kissing a cat (The Friendly Ghost), early Casper looking like the chubbiest blob ever (all three films), fuckin' trees that are ninety times more sentient than Great Deku (The New Casper Cartoon Show - Episode 1: "The Greedy Giants"), an insomniac bear who calls on THE SANDMAN for help but even that didn't work (Episode 5: "Bedtime Trouble"), an evil scientist trying to block out the Sun as if the people making that thought the good God will ever let that happen and episode 2 of Chargeman Ken! doesn't demand money for stealing (Episode 8: "Cold Wave"), giant Casper (Episode 9: "Growing Up"), a lost fellow ghost who couldn't find his mother with an edgy name (Something) (Episode 11: "Lost Little Ghost") plus a horse named NIGHTMARE, a kickass big and muscular cousin resembling a hilarious DeviantArt drawing who we'll never see again (Episode 15: "Super Spooks"), Casper giving Wendy looks that will allude to their obvious future hookup (most of the episodes involving Wendy, or just having her in it), the friggin' Pilgrims being attacked by a sea monster (Episode 25: "The Wandering Ghost"), two quirky female galactic police officers (one being one of the earliest instances of the stereotypical angry black girl, and one being a scatterbrained ditz with a cute hairstyle and nose shape) with a large goofy-looking hairy ghost sporting a big bow tie joining them along (Casper and the Angels)....or a damn Christmas special with Yogi and Boo-Boo Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss, Quick-Draw McGraw and Augie Doggie and Doggy Daddy (Casper's First Christmas)?!! How about you include what the kids REALLY want (The live-action movie): The Ghostly Trio being the guys who I can't believe I laughed at as a little kid, multiple awesomely pointless cameos and pop culture references in which half of them Gen Z won't ever recognize or understand, a growing romantic relationship with Christina Ricci that starts with him being hornily delighted that a girl is on his bed ("There's a girl...on my bed. Yes!"), Eric Idle playing the antagonist's goofy sidekick who she loves abusing and mistreating, an underwhelming original tragic and dark backstory on how he (Casper) died, out-of-nowhere swearing ("I'll contest it, and then I'm gonna drag you and every one of those damn dolphins into court!", "If you would've just forged the damn will", "What the hell do you think ya doin', bulbhead?", "Piss off!", "Not so fast, little man....the BITCH..is back." [the big one]), a bullshit machine that UNDOES DEATH and SAID MACHINE revealing Casper to be Stan, years before his crazed Eminem obsession (played by Devon Sawa)!! SHERRI STONER AND DEANNA OLIVER (Tiny Toon Adventures and Animaniacs).....WROTE THAT!!! And also the cartoon show spinoff that was on Fox Kids (The Spooktacular New Adventures of Casper). Why? (I mean, Sherri's working on Curious George; I'm not always expecting the absolute greatest from my favorite people.)

I believe this randomly surfaced on TikTok too. (chuckles) Look at these kids watching this. There's a reason why this ad never came to be, and there's a reason why Ghosties never came to be.  Plus this is the second time I've talked about something ghost-related on these commercial Pads, specifically ghost CEREAL (Ghostbusters Cereal). What am I watching?

"I wasn't allowed to eat there. It's tough because when you're a kid, McDonald's is where all your friends have their birthday parties, so I missed out on a lot of apple pies." (in a 2004 interview)

In 1982, a young Sarah Michelle Gellar changed the whole course of advertising forever...and I'd tell dear Elizabeth Anne Summers to watch her back;...there's a pretty big chance those people over at McDonald's ain't human. Keep fightin' the good fight, Buff!! AND BURGER KING.

I feel that this would be more faithful if the characters had that insane, rapid-fire speedy fast delivery from the actual dub. I don't think anyone at the time actually found anything strange about or wrong with it, but I feel that was just a missed opportunity. But that classic Speed gasp was so on point, it's on a whole new unintentional level of satirical hilarity! ("Ohh!")

They actually had Corinne Orr reprise her role as Trixie, which is pre-tty nice. Plus, they also planned to get the dub's big man, himself, Peter Fernandez on board as well, but they couldn't find him anywhere, so they instead settled on working with Billy West (Yes, Ren and Stimpy. Yes, Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg. Yes, Doug. The Red M&M, Bugs and Elmer in Space Jam, Shaggy in Zombie Isla--). Volkswagen was the very first to even think of such a clever idea, and it was at the right time as while anime was only hitting a year before its eventual historical widespread boom in the United States, gems like Samurai Pizza Cats, Evangelion and the revolutionary first-run syndicated premiere of Dragon Ball Z created quite the buzz and were great stepping stones. Plus, people already knew and grew up with Speed Racer; it was one of the few popular and highly successful pre-boom dubs, and it cemented the character as a bit of an old anime icon among Americans. So it would be pretty funny to do something like this and try to cater to the people at the time who' knew the show and enjoyed it while it was on when they were kids.

I love the heck out of this ad. It's ridiculous and insane, but you can tell they knew exactly what they were doing and relished it with every last breath. He's a demon on wheels......that's soon to be getting a speeding ticket. AND GOING TO HELL. Actually, try looking at or listening to those lyrics, combine them with thoughts of this and what I said about it and TELL ME the whole thing didn't turn into an ACTUAL WARNING stating that you should avoid him on any city or neighborhood street and convincing you to stay at home every single day!! Speaking of cars and demons, what if the RED CAR is the possessed one? (Christine reference). I'm giving myself uneasy chills right now; I should just move on.

Innocent little girls learn how to be the naughtiest at such a young age, and boys learn how to be gay. That's it. Right there. That's the fucking motive from Transformer Devil himself!

This was the early '70s. Well, let's see what Hasbro products were still popular or were first released at that time. G.I. Joe, Mr. Potato Head, Lite Brite,......LITE BRITE! (Shows someone's recreation of one of the Mooninites flipping the bird on a Lite Brite, in reference to the controversial bomb panic that was around in promotion for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie)

THEY NEED TO GET THE HELL OFF THAT!!! Look at the worm's fucking face; all of this was clearly intended. Stay away from the FUCKIN' CREEPER, KIDS!!!! ("STOP...HARASSING...CHILDREN!!!!")

THINGS HAVE CHANGED, AND CERTAINLY FOR THE BETTER. NO OTHER COMMENT.

"Ride up and down, and up and down." SHUT UP!!!!!

"Pretend milk." Is that what you really think it is? I wouldn't even dare you to drink it, WHAT EVEN IS THAT?!!!!!!!

Oh, she's from Kenner. At the time when the Star Wars toys also started! A lot of these great toy companies had some ups and downs over the years, BUT BOY, WERE THE DOWNS DOWNS. What're they gonna put out next, the Sea Man? God, this is too weird. Save me.

• First off, WHY IS THERE THIS GROUP OF LOGS TUMBLIN' AROUND TOGETHER ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ONE SPOT, WHILE SOMEHOW FLOATING DOWN THE STREAM ON THEIR OWN?!!! It clearly seems that this inanimate object, when made direct and close contact with multiple others of its kind, can somehow think like a human. Seriously, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN LOOK FINE!! IT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP THAT THEY'RE CRASHIN' INTO EACH OTHER AND SPLASHING THROUGH THE WATER SO AGGRESSIVELY!!! WHAT EPISODE WERE THESE KIDS EXPERIENCING WHEN MAKING THIS?!! This is already getting insane and we're only at the very tip of the iceberg; timewise, when I paused this, I was down to quite a crumb (0:05). Holy Heavens, I promise I'm sober.

• HOOOOLY shit, that kid's in trouble! Those logs already seem strong enough; you can already see them screwin' about with all their might! WITH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS IS WHAT THEY'RE SCREWING WITH!! (whispering:) Those logs are the DEVIL'S work, I tell ya. They're no good. (Okay, back to normal voice:) I wouldn't even be surprised if they immediately crashed down the legs of that bridge; these damned logs are forming a stampede more violent than the wildebeests that caused Mufasa's death! I can't believe I'm saying this nonsensical ad is better than the FUCKING LION KING RIGHT NOW!!! Do you see what this is doing to me?! And by the way, why do these kids think that this is normal? Why? You can say that I'm too into reality, and this is supposedly fictional, BUT THIS IS TOO DEMENTED EVEN BY FICTION'S STANDARDS; I KID YOU NOT!!

  
  

• MAN, are those possessed logs just comin' and goin'; THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS THAT I FEEL THE NEED TO MENTION IT THREE DAMN TIMES; I'M SORRY!!!

• Oh, my GOSH, Roy Rogers! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! The way he just...he just....picks up and grabs that kid!! What?!! "THERE'SNOTIMETOEXPLAINONTHEHORSENOW!!!" AND THE KID'S JUST LIKE "AAAAAAH!!!! WHAT IS YOU DOIN' TO ME, BOY!!!!" Look closely at his face. Even he is absolutely worried and has zero clue what will happen from this very moment on.

• AND THEN HE JUST JUMPS OFF THAT CLIFF WITH HIM!! HE JUST DID IT!!! HE JUST JUMPS OFF A CLIFF ALL OF A SUDDEN WITH THE BOY SOMEHOW STAYING WITH HIM AND HOLDING TIGHT….NO VERBAL REACTION!!! AT ALL!!! HE JUST KEEPS THAT SHOOK EXPRESSION FOR A SHORT WHILE!!!! That expression just displaying permanently on his poor, innocent face for those few seconds was also probably the exact same expression kids actually had when they first saw this. I believe they’re smart enough to know when enough is enough and the damage has clearly been done right before their very eyes! But….this is not even the crazy part. Not….even….close. But at the same time that it’s crazy,...…...it’s actually genuinely pretty awesome. No joke, folks! It was genuinely cool as shit when I first saw it! You won’t believe this,....or maybe you will, I don’t know. Check this out.

• Okay, let’s get our minds off the boy’s funny-ass expression for a moment. 

(Honey Comb Kid: “We’ll go by dolphins.”) Dolphins. Yes.  A cowboy…..riding…...on a pair of dolphins down the ocean. A cowboy riding on dolphins alone…….I believe this is the main selling point. No one in the entire history of the world has ever seen something like it before, and although there are certainly concepts that could be better…..I truly believe that this is genuinely awesome. This ad’s getting into awesome territory because I now want to see him riding on dolphins with lasers (reference to Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie)! I know I’m sounding like a little kid right now, but as an aspiring artist, who cares! It’s cool as the HEAVENS, man! IT ROCKS!!!   (FUCKIN’ DOLPHINS, DU--)

• Oh, of course. You have to put in the product somehow. They’re just eating it; it doesn’t really have any necessary point in this short narrative.

  
  

Billy: “How ya gonna stop the logs from unintelligible to the bridge?”

Honey Comb Kid: “I don’t know yet, but I’m glad I have my Honey Comb. Post Honey Comb is now bite-sized. Crisper, crunchier, better than ever.”

You see here? The hell was that all about?! I know this was all clearly made to advertise Honey Comb but I don’t even understand how Honey Comb even made its way onto here out of nowhere! It makes…zero sense!

• And then, somehow, by eating some goddamn cereal, he successfully grabs one of the logs with great strength, and somehow manages to use it to raise the godforsaken hellish bunch of logs up to a mountain, which they somehow climb up to somehow form into a Lincoln Log-like house for the parents of the little boys! This is somehow INSANE!! I SAID ‘SOMEHOW’ OVER NINE TIMES IN THIS SEGMENT, BECAUSE THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING SOMEHOW TRIPPI--(*breathes in and out*) Somehow, I’ve lost my damn mind. 
  

• Oh, and the dolphins apparently start flying! THOSE DOLPHINS HE’S RIDING ON ARE STAGE TEN TERMINAL SICK!!! MEANWHILE, TH-THE LOGS……I just can’t stand those logs, man. Those logs complete me! Why are those logs like that?! And the cowboy mascot’s riding on dolphins.

  
  

• Wow! That really was something!! Damned logs, though! What the hell!

  
  

That’s why this ad is really something,.....and I gotta tell ya, that something, in a way, kind of rocks! I love bizarre and surreal stuff, and this classic cereal commercial just takes it to a whole new level. But, um,….take your Sid and Marty Krofft shows that I love so much. With them proudly creeping kids out a little and unintentionally giving them a little bit of an unapologetic psychedelic aesthetic, I’m not surprised a commercial like this even existed. Plus, you know things like this definitely make me laugh. No one should ever play with fire, but I sure do love having fun with this absolute sheer incomprehensible madness. It’s definitely the crazy child of the rare pre-’80s Post cereal ad nursery. (singing a parody of the jingle): It’s stupid fun and you’ll have a ton, Post Honey Coooomb!!!

This is why I love dolphins so much. Dolphins are cool. Thank Lord for dolphins.

Yeah, the hair growing is the big gimmick, but it HAS to have a limit. It has to! It can’t be unlimited! Don’t you tell me girls who owned these babes pushed that button as long as they could for hours and hours and, right after, pulled that hair out further and further until they became Rapunzel! And had fun with it! They would be addicted! Not only that, no parent would ever want that hair to terrifyingly stand out from all the other shit their daughter owns; it’ll be insane! The hair would just extend all the way down to a wall when put up front! Boy, I can already imagine what that would look like. It’s creepy. Damn narrator, she didn’t even mention that! Disembodied sister, you gotta help me figure this out; ya can’t if you don’t say anything! Mmm, fu’nnn, in a..55-year-old commercial. Jeez. Ugh! We’ll never know! 

Well, that’s all the quips I really have for this one, as this ad is really peaceful and jolly swell, especially as spring is about to end. 

(“Beautiful Crissy and new Velvet. They’re Ideal.”) Ideal? Ya seen E-kids?

From 1968 to 1971, the earliest known Jack in the Box advertisements appeared in the form of now-restored and available-to-hear radio spots that I can characterize with a strange and slightly suspicious atmosphere, incomprehensible situations, bizarre and surreal dialogue, frequent questionable instances of people hysterically laughing together (Seems fitting for this restaurant's Joker theme...), all ending with the slogan "Good food for people who just can't wait to eat" and a groovy raga rock jingle?!

Even the first TV commercial spices it up a little bit with NUDISTS! WHAT?!! 🤣 Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, would ever show that ad today!! See THAT for yourself!!

So even before the real main man Jack debuted on national television in 1995 and became recognized as one of the absolute greatest S.M.F. mascots in advertising history,....even during their early years in advertising they took on a super strange and odd vibe.

(Check the madness out here:)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNxryEp3Z9I

• The angels' disciple and Michael Jackson wannabe himself behind the greatest bad album of all time, Corey Feldman, was the little kid in a McDonald's Christmas gift certificate commercial (1976, 5 years old) and the ketchup-crazed freak in a Heinz commercial (1978, 7 years old).

  
  

• Jack Black (13 years old) was famously the kid in that Atari ad for the 2600 game Pitfall (1982),...

  
  

• there was, as I already did an entry on, SAVAGE Sarah Michelle Gellar (5 years old) in that Burger King commercial (1982),...

  
  

• Keanu Reeves starred in exclusively-aired Canadian Coke (1983) and Corn Flakes (1987) commercials,...

  
  

• there was Christian Bale (8 years old) in a Pac-Man Cereal ad (1982), which was, of course, filmed and shown in the U.S., so it was surprisingly a good head start for him internationally,...

  
  

• Jenny Lewis and Jaleel White (both 6 years old) were two of the many kids who sang in the iconic "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" Toys "R" Us ad (1982),...

  
  

• William Zabka of all people appears for a brief moment in a Showbiz Pizza commercial (1983) of all THINGS,....

  
  

• Alfonso Ribeiro (13 years old) was the kid who moonwalked and ended up bumping into and dancing with Michael Jackson in his first Pepsi ad (1984),...

  
  

• there was Cree Summer (16 years old) singing the jingle for a Quaker Chewy Granola Bar ad (1986),...

  
  

• Leonardo DiCaprio (14 years old) appeared for Kraft Fat-Free Singles (1989),...

  
  

• Michelle Trachtenberg (6 years old) starred in another Burger King ad (1991),...

  
  

• Tobey Maguire (16 years old) was in Doritos and Twister juice ads (both 1991) two years after his cinematic debut as an extra in The Wizard,....

  
  

• there was Devon Sawa (14 years old) in a Nerf ad for the Arrowstorm gatling gun (1993),...

  
  

• Mila Kunis (11 years old) was one of the kids in the ad (1994) for the dumbass Telephone Tammy doll that inspired my Meendolls character,.....

• AND, of course, there was Drake Bell (12 years old) in a Pokémon Red and Blue ad introducing the Game Boy's Link Cables (1998).

Even kickass voice actor Cam Clarke (Leonardo and Rocksteady in the first Ninja Turtles cartoon, Kaneda in the hilarious old dub of Akira which became a huge hit on VHS, the singing voice of Simba in Lion King II and Liquid Snake in the Metal Gear Solid games) uploaded onto his official YouTube channel a 1977 Faygo commercial he was in and remembered shooting when he was 19.