Working with her would be a true delight. She is so soft spoken and kind and her process seems like it is going to be so fun. Oh my goodness I had so much fun. I love salsa and Latin/Caribbean rhythms and I enjoy them every chance I get, which is not very often. I truly would love to be in her piece. I think I'd grow in my skills in this specific genre of dance and I don't know I think just helping her vision come to life would be so honoring. So if that's where yall want me please be my guest because I'd have one hell of a time.

i NEED to work with him. That’s if he wants me too though of course. What was exciting about him was his attitude, the way he approached teaching dance and the type of modern technique I had never had. I had the most fun at his audition and making the cut to the second round just made me realize that there could be something there where I could grow and press on. I grew up acting and competing in UIL so it captivated me that he mentioned his piece would be very theatrical. It's something I love. What was challenging was precisely the fact that it was something new to me and that it was so dynamic. This is only my 3rd year ever being familiar with the concept of modern dance. I spoke to Joel about feeling like his style and Claudia Lavista’s style were very similar and he told me that it would make sense since they share a similar artistic background and training; Last spring, Claudia’s piece was my top choice and I would’ve loved to be in her piece because she resembles a very specific type of modern dance that I have yet to dive into. And also just us three being Mexican I feel very close to home. With Raul and I sharing an ethnic background and his style being what I want to pursue after college I believe making a connection with him would allow me to enjoy this semester of PDPR fully and hopefully help me succeed in the future.

I don't think I had reflected on my own feelings until some of my castmates pointed out they were feeling uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with the fact that they had felt abandoned, forgotten or not looked out for by the department. Listen, I can get pretty graphic on stage, I rarely have any strong personal objections to playing grievous or afflicting parts, I like connecting with that part of myself and I think I do it well, expressing grief, anger, and sorrow, but what saddened me was how my friends were feeling. And then it didn't sit right with me. I spoke to some impartial people who i love and trust about this difficult situation and they pointed out to me that this piece might be a difficult one to perform in front of certain audiences. Then i was delivered news that someone who i dearly love might be specifically triggered by the sexual assault scene in the piece, and my stomach dropped. I have been so focused on the needs of my own artistry that I've forgotten about the needs of the people around me. I have been so fixated on growing in the name of doing hard things, uncomfortable things, hardcore things, serious things, that I've overlooked other people's tolerance for them. And that made me feel terrible. It has been challenging speaking up about what's right and what's wrong; I feel torn because I know that Raul deserves to stage this work - It is a fine piece of art that speaks about very real things and deserves recognition and awareness. He gave us context about what this piece means for him and told us his own personal story. It has not been easy for him either. And I hate seeing art tear people apart instead of bringing them together. On the other hand, it has been hard to see that happen at the expense of some of my friends' mental well being. "If only there would've been a warning for the cast before starting this process..." but "If onlys" don't exist, so all we can do moving forward is simply learn from this experience.

I'm very grateful for the care and time the faculty has put into this situation after we've expressed our concerns, I trust appropriate and safe measures will be taken in the following rehearsals, and I want to apologize for the disheartening e-mail regarding this process that was sent by one of the students last Tuesday.

Remember when I said I felt eager and confident because I had made the second round of the audition? and I wanted to see if there was something there for me? Well... during rehearsals now sometimes i feel like there's soloists, principals, and then the rest of us. Now, I know all these things, "there's always gonna be somebody better than you," i grew up with my mom preaching that one to me. I know that every artist always finds a muse, I know that sometimes opinions are subjective, (because I believe in objective opinions controversial but yes,) and I know that if I don't see results it's because they're doing something I'm not. All these things I can fix. But the one i try not to know in my heart, yet sometimes still sneaks its way in, is that maybe I'm just not good enough and I never will be. Now I'm not trying to throw a pity party here, i don't like being one of those people, I'm just trying to be honest about what I thought I deserved and about what i apparently do not. I love seeing my friends thrive, I really do, but I think there'd be something wrong with me if as an artist I never wondered, "why not me?"

Anyway, I think I just need to learn to enjoy art making even when it's not about me. I just think there is always an artist, then there's a muse, and then there are details - the brushstrokes that just help make the work look fuller, more complete. They are a means to an end and nothing more. I hate being a detail. I don't ever want to be a detail again. "Real beauty is in the details," some say, but i doubt the pearl earring feels this way.