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How to respond when your child says "I can't"

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How to respond when your child says "I can't"

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As parents, it can be natural enough to conclude that when our kids act up or act out - at home, at school, away at the beach or park on family summer vacation - we should tell them to calm down and be sure they follow through.

After all, isn't it our job to teach our kids to learn some self-control?

But what about the kids who not only can't calm down, they have no idea what it means to calm down? What about the kids who are continuously over-aroused, stressed to the point where their nervous systems need not words but step-by-step embodied guidance to even begin to calm?

In the just-published Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, psychologist Stuart Shanker of York University and the MEHRIT Centre in Canada asks us - parents, teachers, coaches, anyone who mentors kids - to think not in terms of self-control but of self-regulation.

Shanker writes: "Self-control is about inhibiting impulses; self-regulation is about identifying the causes and reducing the intensity of impulses and, when necessary, having the energy to resist."

Looking at five domains in a child's life - biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and prosocial - and how they interact, we can begin, he says, to reframe our own perceptions of what's going on with our kids, as a starting point to help them gain greater calm and attention, and also empathy for others.

The biggest lesson that I've taken from Self-Reg is that when a child insists that a teacher's voice is harsh, or a restaurant or classroom is unbearably bright or loud, we need to recognize (even though we might not experience things that way at all) that the child is very probably not lying, exaggerating or trying to be oppositional. Instead, the child's biological sensitivities may make her exquisitely reactive in a way that triggers a constant cycle of over-arousal-crash-over-arousal as she tries to cope. That's where Self-Reg comes in, with strategies for regulating the out-of-whack nervous system.

And the worst thing we can do is to ask our kids to calm - or even go to sleep - by playing with computer or gaming devices. That sort of activity only feeds brain and body hyperactivity, and when the child eventually becomes depleted, he will crave even more arousal.

Stuart Shanker and I have collaborated on research and writing projects in anthropology and psychology. Last week, after I read Self-Reg, I asked him some questions via email:
I was very struck by your point that many young children today simply don't know what the sensation of "calm" feels like. How did we get to this point, and what are the first steps that parents and teachers can take, in turning that around?
Kids get stuck in what neuroscientists call a "higher set point" - think of a car with a higher idling speed - and seek out experiences to keep their engine racing. They become so accustomed to this state that they find slower-paced activities aversive. They push their nervous system to its limits, crash, then push to the limits again. Parents need to slow things down with them. Find shared calming activities - like going for a walk, listening to music, baking - where the reward is being in this state together. The big thing is, they need to feel what it's like to be calm, not be told to "calm down."
The "Interbrain" is a key concept in your book. Can you talk a bit about what it is and why it matters so much?
The Interbrain is like a wireless brain-to-brain connection that operates, not just between a "higher-order brain" that possesses self-regulating skills and a developing brain just acquiring them, but throughout the lifespan. Our need for strong Interbrain connections is a biological imperative, and when that need wanes, this is a sign that the stress-load is too great. The old "genetic" way of thinking about the brain as an isolated organ governed by ancient mechanisms actually describes what human functioning is like when social engagement has broken down because of heightened stress.
Do parents or teachers ever snort disbelievingly at your insistence that there are no bad kids, or tell you, "look, these kids need to toughen up - if we fix for them every little sensory annoyance they'll never function in the real world?" I think it can be hard for all of us, at first, to grasp the idea you write about, of an escalating cycle of over-arousal that may be set off by sensations that - to a hyper-sensitive child - aren't small at all.
One of the most rewarding experiences has been to see teachers who did more than just snort go on to become Self-Reg champions. We place so much emphasis on how a child's learning of "calm" has to be experiential, but the same point applies to Self-Reg: You have to feel and not just read about the changes that occur when you help a child self-regulate in order to get past your initial resistance. What you are describing in your question is that true empathy for children that is our species' greatest strength.
It seems a profound realization for all of us as parents to hear what you say in Self-Reg: "All too often we confuse our needs with the child's. We seek to make children more manageable, rather than self-managing." Your program aims to change that, and has caught on not only in Canada but internationally. Why do you think this shift from managing kids to helping kids with self-reg is touching such a chord?
I think there are two reasons. The first is, because the stress that children are under today has become far too great, and for that reason, we are seeing so many problems in mood, behavior, and attention as well as a sharp rise in physical health problems. To understand why this is happening we have to recognize the many different kinds of stress that kids are under, hidden as well as overt, and learn how to distinguish between misbehavior and stress-behavior.

But the second part of the answer is that our own stress drops dramatically when we shift from trying to enforce compliance to reducing the causes of challenging behaviors and teaching kids how to do this for themselves.
Barbara J. King is an emerita anthropology professor at the College of William and Mary. She often writes about the cognition, emotion and welfare of animals, and about biological anthropology, human evolution and gender issues. Barbara's most recent book on animals is titled How Animals Grieve and her forthcoming book is Personalities on the Plate: The Lives and Minds of Animals We Eat. You can keep up with what she is thinking on Twitter: .

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Why It's 'Self-Reg,' Not Self-Control, That Matters Most For Kids

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As parents, it can be natural enough to conclude that when our kids act up or act out - at home, at school, away at the beach or park on family summer vacation - we should tell them to calm down and be sure they follow through.

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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

(There is also 'How to Talk so LITTLE kids Will Listen')

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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series)

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Buy How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series): Read Kindle Store Reviews - Amazon.com

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Copyright 2016 Think Social Publishing, Inc.

Feelings are innate; they make us human and are part of the fabric of life. Our feelings are windows into the thoughts and perspectives we hold toward a situation, a person, or an event. As a mom and therapist, I catch myself from time to time telling someone, "Don't worry..." or "Don't be sad..." only to remind myself "It's too late, the other person is already worried or sad." Rather than offering support in the form of telling others not to feel this way or that, we can help people manage the feelings they are experiencing in an adaptive and prosocial way.

I created The Zones of Regulation (The Zones) to help us do just that: support people in managing all the feelings they experience, without passing judgment on what people are feeling or how they are behaving. The Zones framework was turned into a curriculum and published by Social Thinking in 2011, titled The Zones of Regulation: A Curriculum Designed to Foster Self-Regulation and Emotional Control. Since that time I have expanded it into two apps, The Zones of Regulation and The Zones of Regulation: Exploring Emotions (Kuypers, 2013/2015, Selosoft, Inc. www.zonesofregulation.com).

The core focus of Zones is to positively support the acquisition of self-regulation skills, especially in school-age children as they learn to work together as a group. Yet, some people are using The Zones in a way that may appear as a disciplinary tool or to project shame on others for their lack of regulation skills. This is not how The Zones is designed to be taught! It is vital to understand ALL THE ZONES ARE OK! There are no good or bad Zones. The Zone we are in is determined by how we feel on the inside, not the behavior on the outside.

When self-evaluating what Zone we are in, we consider our emotions as well as our sensory state (e.g., "Is our arousal level low or high?"). Given the internal fluctuations in our feelings and states we experience over the course of a day, it is natural and quite possible that we are going to experience all of the Zones. At some point we may feel tired in the Blue Zone, calm in the Green Zone, worried in the Yellow Zone and possibly furious or elated in the Red Zone. Our brains are wired to send out internal messages that spark the feelings and shifts in arousal levels that we experience. That's all happening on the inside. And, we can work to regulate those internal feelings and states so they are expressed in ways (on the outside) that meet our personal goals as well as the social demands of the context we are in. We all feel angry or sad or lethargic from time to time; it's just part of being human. Likewise, we will all be in each of the four Zones from time to time. That's to be expected. Let's consider the following scenario.

You get a text message that makes you feel irate and in an instant you're in the Red Zone while in a classroom full of people. Your instinct is to slam down the phone and grunt but you're aware of the social context (i.e., you're using your social thinking). You understand that this behavior would be unexpected (Winner & Crooke, 2008) in the classroom and will likely create uncomfortable feelings in the people around you. In addition, you realize fueling the emotion may distract you from the learning you are motivated to do. Therefore, you manage your zone using your self-regulation tools. For instance, you might take a deep breath and use your inner coach (positive self-talk) to figure out the size of the problem and tell yourself this is a small problem and you can handle it. Inside you are boiling in the Red Zone, but on the outside, others see you as in control and possibly a slight bit distracted. Some others may even still see you as being in the Green Zone.

Let's take that same scenario of receiving a text message that makes you irate and change the context by having you be home alone in your kitchen. In both scenarios, the text triggers you into the Red Zone and you're feeling irate. However, in this context, you manage your Red Zone differently and vocalize your frustration by grunting and slamming your phone down. You may use less effort to control your Red Zone when alone (the social demands are low) and there is not a high-stakes task you are trying to accomplish.

It seems that some people can get confused in using The Zones when they mistakenly classify someone in a Zone based on his or her external behavior rather than the person's internal feelings. It's worth repeating: our behavior DOES NOT determine the Zone! Our behavior is a by-product of how we manage our Zone. The Zones curriculum teaches individuals to become aware of their feelings and provides tools people can use to regulate those feelings rather than being at the mercy of their feelings. When we MANAGE our Zone, it is expressed in a way (our behaviors) that is adaptive and prosocial given the current situation.

To help us (as well as our students and clients) figure out how to manage a Zone, context comes into play. Context is all around us and is ever changing. Peter Vermeulen, an international author, expert, and speaker in the area of context and autism explains, "Context helps us to understand what we see, hear, feel, smell, etc...." (pg. 29, Autism as Context Blindness, 2012). Some people mistakenly consider the context of the environment and assume that a behavior(s) consistent with one of the Zones is the norm and that a certain Zone is expected in that context; for instance "the Green Zone is expected in the classroom." This assumption may be based on the overall behaviors of the majority of people in that environment (students are remaining quiet and listening) or it may stem from considering the internal state that allows us to efficiently execute the tasks that are required of us in that context. But again, those are behavioral expectations and The Zones is about regulating what goes on inside - our feeling states. Viewing context this way becomes a problem when we set an expectation for the context that includes not just behaviors but feelings too, such as "We need to be in the Green Zone in the classroom" and some of our students are not feeling calm, organized or happy in that context.

Rather than pressuring our students or clients to be in a certain Zone based on the behavior expectations of a context, we need to be using context to help us determine how to help them manage whatever Zone they are in at the moment. Context does not define what we should feel or the Zone we should be in. As Peter Vermeulen suggests, context gives us more understanding of our feelings. Let's look at the following situation to illustrate this idea further.

Theo witnesses his parents fighting during breakfast and hears his father threaten to move out (the trigger to his feelings). Theo is feeling sad (feeling) and has a low level of arousal (his state), which puts him in the Blue Zone. This feeling and state stays with him as he enters his classroom that morning (context changes). It's not as if we can tell Theo he can't feel that way because "it's expected to be in the Green Zone in the classroom." Rather, we need to allow Theo his feelings and meet him where he is to help him self-regulate within the context he is now in. For instance, the teacher might check-in with Theo, empathize, and support him in thinking about what Zone he is in, whether he needs to manage his Zone, and reviewing tool options to help him care for his Blue Zone. This is in stark contrast to a teacher who is incorrectly teaching Zones by making a threat and expecting a student to be in the Green Zone or incur a consequence. Not only does this approach dismisses Theo's feelings, it also projects shame and is a missed opportunity to build a relationship, establish trust and support Theo in developing self-regulation skills. Helping Theo find a tool such as talk to an adult or look at his Book of Joy (a homemade book filled with images/text of things that bring him joy) allows him to manage his Blue Zone so he can meet the classroom demands.

We have an incredible responsibility and opportunity to foster self-regulation skills in the populations we serve in a positive and prosocial way and The Zones of Regulation can help do just that. When implementing The Zones, it is important to keep these four basic principles in mind:

1. It is natural to experience all of the Zones; there is no bad zone.

2. Our Zone is defined by the feelings and internal states we experience on the inside.

3. Our behavior is a byproduct of how we manage our Zone; therefore, consequences should not be tied to a Zone.

4. The context we are in helps us figure out how to manage our Zone so our behavior meets the demands of the social environment, and in doing so we are able to achieve the tasks we are trying to accomplish and/or the social goals we've set for ourselves in that situation.

When we respect our students and the feelings they have, we can approach teaching self-regulation through the perspective of understanding, compassion, and assistance, rather than behavior expectations, rewards, and consequences. In the end, we'll do more to help them learn to self-regulate their thoughts, feelings, and internal states so they can co-exist with others and accomplish the goals, both big and small, they hope to achieve no matter what Zone they are in and whatever context they find themselves.

About the Author

Leah Kuypers earned a Bachelor of Science in Occupational Therapy from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and a Master of Arts in Education with a Graduate Certificate in Autism from Hamline University in St. Paul, MN. She is an OT/autism specialist in school and clinical settings, specializing in self-regulation and social learning, and has worked with students of all ages and challenges, including anxiety, ADHD, and ASD. Leah created The Zones of Regulation®, a framework designed to teach self-regulation, and is the author of a book and two apps by same name (2011, Social Thinking Publishing, Inc.; 2013, 2016, Selosoft, Inc.). In addition to working with students, she provides trainings and consultation to parents and professionals on self-regulation and challenging behavior, and conducts workshops on the Zones to groups across North America. She resides in Minneapolis, MN, with her husband, son, daughter, and dog.

References

Kuypers, L. (2011). The Zones of Regulation: A Curriculum Designed to Foster Self-Regulation and Emotional Control. San Jose, CA: Think Social Publishing, Inc.

Vermeulen, P. (2012). Autism as Context Blindness. Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism Asperger's Publishing Company.

Winner, M.G. & Crooke, P. (2008). You are a Social Detective: Explaining Social Thinking to Kids. San Jose, CA: Think Social Publishing, Inc.

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All the Zones are OK! Tips for Managing the Zones You're In

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The Zones of Regulation was created to help individuals manage the feelings they experience by identifying their shifting emotional states as existing in different "Zones". It is important not to label one Zone as "good" and another "bad", rather that ALL Zones are OK as long as we MANAGE our Zone and express ourselves through behavior that is as adaptive and pro-social as possible given the situation and the student's self-regulation abilities.

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According to a recent survey by the Society of Human Resource Management, 97 percent of employers say that reliability is a very or extremely important qualification for an entry-level job; it's at the top of nearly everyone's list. How do parents help their kids learn to be reliable-people whom others can trust to consistently do their best work?

One place to start is to teach kids the importance of practice. Kids practice to reach all kinds of goals-writing their names, dribbling a basketball, playing a song on the guitar. But they aren't always motivated to practice, and they don't always practice in the right way.

A highly effective and well-researched technique called deliberate practice allows you to repeatedly work on a mental or physical skill with the aim of getting better in the future. Research suggests that children as young as five can start to understand deliberate practice, and children and adolescents who engage in it make gains in school achievement and motor skills.

By encouraging them to engage in deliberate practice as they get older, we can help our kids achieve their goals.

What is deliberate practice?

According to researcher Lauren Eskreis-Winkler and her colleagues, shallow practice is how most people study-they practice what they already know while they are only partly focused, which is not particularly effective. In contrast, they explain, deliberate practice has four principles:

1. Working on weaknesses: Rather than doing things that you already do well, deliberate practice focuses on the things that are hard for you. For example, you might replay the part of your trumpet solo with the hard high notes that you've been having trouble with, rather than the parts that you know well.

2. Full concentration: Deliberate practice is difficult when you face distractions that make it hard to stay on task, like noise, social media, or people nearby. Instead of writing an essay with your phone beside you while hanging out with your friends, you might go to a quiet library and tuck your phone in your backpack.

3. Feedback: Deliberate practice involves finding out what you got right and where you made mistakes by asking a teacher or coach or checking your work. For example, if you made mistakes on your long-division homework, you might review your work again and talk to your teacher about how you can solve those problems correctly in the future.

4. Repetition until mastery: Deliberate practice requires you to keep working on your weaknesses, stay on task, and get feedback until you master your specific goal.

How to motivate kids toward deliberate practice

How do you motivate kids to engage in deliberate practice, which tends to be more demanding than shallow practice?

In multiple experiments, Eskreis-Winkler and her colleagues studied American middle schoolers between fifth and seventh grade, as well as college undergraduates. They randomly assigned adolescents from multiple schools to two groups: One group learned typical study skills, and the other group learned the difference between shallow practice and deliberate practice using animated videos, prompts for reflection, and short writing activities.

In some of the videos, people shared their experiences with how hard deliberate practice is and some tips on how to handle the challenge:

1. Expect and be OK with failure: Famous people talked about how failure is a normal part of learning. They described having failed many times before they became successful and framed mistakes as a necessary part of deliberate practice that led them to their achievements.

2. Tolerate feeling frustrated and confused: A student told his life story, from growing up poor and having trouble learning in elementary school to graduating from MIT. He shared that you make a lot of mistakes as you work on your weaknesses, which can be frustrating and confusing, but it means you're in the "stretch zone." Rather than thinking it's a bad sign and time to give up, this is actually the time to keep going. People can learn to tolerate their frustration more and more with practice.

3. Question your beliefs about talent: An actor, an athlete, and a musician talked about how practice led them to be successful in their different life goals-and none of them mentioned talent. People mistakenly think that talent is the most important factor because they don't see all the hours of practice that go into people's final performances-like an actor taking days to memorize lines, a swimmer waking up at dawn for months to practice the butterfly stroke, or a novelist writing for years to complete a manuscript.

To solidify this lesson, the researchers showed adolescents anonymous quotes from other students that described their practice habits and preferences. For example, one quote said, "I thought the kids who were good at fractions were just smarter than me. But in the past couple of months, I realized that by doing deep practice, I could get just as many fraction problems right as they could. When I work hard and do deep practice on my fractions homework, I come to class being able to answer just as many problems as the other kids."

Finally, the researchers asked the adolescents to write a short letter to other students who didn't know about deliberate practice to communicate the significance of what they had learned. (The researchers explain that "one of the most effective ways to persuade a participant of a message is to have the participant advocate the message to others." Research shows that this "saying-is-believing" effect influences their later memory and impression of the topic.)

The researchers found that these brief lessons motivated adolescents to engage in deliberate practice on math problems and improved their achievement in math, course grades, and GPA after one academic quarter.

If you want your kids to tap into these benefits, tell and show them how much you practice to work on goals, how you experience failure on an everyday basis, and how you tolerate frustration and confusion. Remind your kids about how their favorite soccer players or swimmers work with their coaches to get feedback. Encourage your children to talk to their siblings, cousins, or friends about how they use deliberate practice to prepare for their tap dance performance so that they can reap the benefits of the "saying-is-believing" effect.

"When I work hard and do deep practice on my fractions homework, I come to class being able to answer just as many problems as the other kids."

―A student in the study

Besides helping kids cope with how hard deliberate practice feels in the present, another way to motivate them is to encourage good feelings about their desired future-according to a study on how deliberate practice develops in children.

Melissa Brinums and her colleagues studied 120 Australian four to seven year olds. First, the researchers showed the children three games that they could play: golf, ring toss, or cup-and-ball. Then, they were told that they would later be tested on a target game (say, golf) and could win one sticker each time they scored.

The researchers randomly assigned the children to two groups. Before leaving the room for a few minutes, they told one group, "If you like, you can use this time to prepare for the test." They told the other group, "If you like, you can use this time to play with any of the games." When they returned, they asked the children which game they played the most, why, and what they could do to get better at the games.

The researchers measured how much deliberate practice children engaged in based on which game they chose to play first and how long they played the target game. They also used the children's replies to their questions to gauge their understanding of practice. The kids earned a higher score if they talked about practicing, improving, or being persistent than if they talked about fun or luck or couldn't answer the questions.

The results? Six and seven year olds both understood deliberate practice and engaged in it without being cued. Five year olds showed some understanding and sometimes deliberately practiced. Four year olds did not understand deliberate practice yet.

"These increases in understanding of and engagement in deliberate practice may be due to age-related improvements in cognitive capacities," explain Brinums and her colleagues. Episodic foresight-the capacity to imagine the future and act accordingly-begins to develop in the preschool years and improves throughout childhood. Episodic foresight allows us to predict how the future might make us feel. Compared to the younger children, the older children were likely more motivated to practice because they were better able to envision being tested and feeling happy about earning stickers for scoring in the game.

Although preschoolers may not be able to forecast the future yet, parents can encourage their school-age kids-who aren't eager to practice piano, for example-to imagine how being well-prepared will make them feel during an upcoming recital.

Ultimately, parents can support kids as they learn to value practice, whether it's in school, at their first summer job, or within their family and community. Deliberate practice may not guarantee them a gold medal at the Olympics, but it can improve their performance so they do their personal best. And that will help them grow up to be someone others can depend on.

Greater Good wants to know: Do you think this article will influence your opinions or behavior?

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How to Motivate Kids to Practice Hard Things

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According to a recent survey by the Society of Human Resource Management, 97 percent of employers say that reliability is a very or extremely important qualification for an entry-level job; it's at the top of nearly everyone's list. How do parents help their kids learn to be reliable-people whom others can trust to consistently do their best work?

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35 Children’s Books That Teach Kids Emotional Intelligence

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These stories help kids understand and express feelings like anger and sadness.

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Find Your 24 Character Strengths | Personal Strengths List | VIA Institute | VIA Institute

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Everyone possesses all 24 character strengths in different degrees. See the full character strengths list here & learn about your unique personal strengths.

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How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish

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the strength switch: how the new science of strength-based parenting can help your child and your teen to flourish

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awakened parenting; emotional development; strong-willed child; positive parenting; attitude; teaching; personal development; motherhood; self esteem; anti anxiety; resilience; parenting tips; parenting books; parenting; self help; family; child development; discipline; conscious parenting; parenting book; relationship books; mindfulness; adolescence; social media; relationships; gender; drama; mother; attachment; attachments; children; mom; teenage brain; teenage books; teen girls; teenage girls; teenage boys; psychology

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family & relationships / life stages / school age

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family & relationships / life stages / teenagers

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family & relationships / parenting / general

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family & relationships / parenting / motherhood

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family & relationships/life stages - school age

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family & relationships/life stages - teenagers

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family & relationships/parenting - motherhood

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relationships and families: advice and issues

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family & relationships / life stages / school age

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family & relationships / life stages / teenagers

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family & relationships / parenting / general

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family & relationships / parenting / motherhood

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family & relationships/life stages - school age

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family & relationships/life stages - teenagers

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family & relationships/parenting - motherhood

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relationships and families: advice and issues

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The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish

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The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish [Waters, Lea] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. The Strength Switch: How The New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish

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Parenting to your Strengths

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By Kelly Aluise

Being a parent is hard work. There is no job description that can fully prepare you for the responsibility, rewards, challenges and uncertainty that come with having children. How can you possibly nurture and guide this other person when you are still navigating life yourself?

Well ... you do it together! You rely on your strengths and your child's strengths to learn from one another and celebrate the traits that make each of you feel fulfilled. Here's an exercise to help you get started.

How to Map Your Strengths to Your Child's Strengths

First, explore your best qualities.

After taking the VIA Survey, take time to reflect on the feedback. Survey results include all 24 character strengths, breaking them out into your signature, middle and lesser strengths, to give you a sense of how much you "own" each of the strengths. And your results give you a wealth of information on your signature strengths-those qualities that you are naturally more comfortable using. Use the results to create a list of ways that you can use your signature strengths more in your interactions with your children.

For example, if prudence is a signature strength, maybe you and your child develop a weekly meal plan for dinners together. Or if judgment is a signature strength, consider one thing that you and your child don't agree on and spend time getting more information on his/her point of view. In essence, how can you use your character strengths to foster a stronger relationship with your child?

Second, appreciate your child's strengths.

After you focus on applying your own strengths, explore how your results compare to your child's results and what you can do to embrace the differences. First, encourage your child to take the VIA Youth Survey (for ages 10-17) to get their own Character Strengths Profile and VIA Youth Decoder Report (free Parent Guide accompanies Report). Review the results together and compare their strengths with yours. Do any of your signature strengths overlap? What are strengths that your child has that aren't as high for you? How can you cultivate these qualities and learn from your child in these areas?

For example, if your child has a signature strength of curiosity, spend time asking questions together. Ask your child what they think about TV shows, foods they eat, people they interact with, places they visit, etc. Feed their curiosity! Or if they have a signature strength of honesty, take time to discuss the things that make you unique and why these qualities make you happy. Model their authenticity and openness!

What character strengths does your child exhibit that you can help nourish and develop? How can knowing these strengths contribute to a better relationship?

Kelly Aluise

Kelly Aluise is VIA's Communications Specialist. She earned a Bachelor's degree from Miami University in Communications with a focus in Psychology. Kelly has worked at the VIA Institute for over 8 years, focusing on client relationships, content management and marketing.

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Parenting to Your Strengths (and Your Child's) | VIA Institute

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By Kelly Aluise Being a parent is hard work. There is no job description that can fully prepare you for the responsibility, rewards, challenges and uncertainty that come with having children. How can you possibly nurture and guide this other person when you are still navigating life yourself? Well ...

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With emotional intelligence a hot topic in the world's of parenting and education I thought I would put together 26 of the best activities parents, caters and teachers can do to allow children to feel emotional grounded.

The idea is that we build skills within the children in our care to allow them to deal with the problems that world has to offer without crumbling. We want our future leaders to have a good grasp on soft skills such resilience, empathy, research, understanding and cooperation before we even think about taking their education to astronomical heights.
"A child with solid foundations will grow to be the strongest and tallest tree in the forest but, forget to lay the roots and you'll find that during one small storm, that tree can easily fall over."
Here's your A to Z of emotional well-being:
A - Appreciate Make sure that your child has perspective of the things that they have. Their family, their health, food on the table. A global perspective is what we need to instil in our children. Travel, read, look. Show examples of how others live and build empathy. Be thankful for what you've got, not angry about what you don't have. B - Build Something Allowing your child to have a dream, a vision of something they'd like to create. A rocket, a go-kart or a wendy house. Allow them to make that dream become reality by set steps to success. Design, resources, tools, procedure, result. On the way there will be heartache, time constraints, failure. But a whole lot of learning will take place too. C - Connect Understand that our children need real tangible connections. Take them to the part of town they never visit and make friends at the swings. Let them visit the old people's home to read to the pensioners and get them to feel that they are part of the big wheel we call society. For the sooner they realise their place, they'll take on the responsibility that goes with that. D - Do the Difficult Stuff The world isn't all roses and baby's faces. There are some difficult things we need to do. Having conversations with someone you've hurt to say sorry, cleaning the house before we go for a walk or dealing with death in the family. Talk through the reasons why these things happen, don't hide them away in a drawer to be revealed later because your children will learn them from somewhere, it might as well be you. Enable your children to take in these difficult moments and build that strength f character. E - Explore Take time to plane trips. Have a globe in the house and discuss the world. Where would you like to go? Why? Watch documentaries and dream of travel. At every opportunity get out of the city to where the green stuff is and I'm not talking about a park. I mean nature. Trees, rivers, mud, insects, animals and clear air. All your child to find out about the planet and understand it's importance in our existence and survival. Let's cultivate children who save our environment, not destroy it. F - Forgive To hold a grudge or anger against another only causes you more stress and tension. We must allow our children to have an understanding of other people's intentions and perspectives. Once our children can put themselves in another's shoes they can start to forgive. Yes maybe tommy kicked you at playtime but do you know why? Let's find out and maybe we can forgive him. The feeling of forgiveness always makes us all feel better. G - Gather Organise family get togethers, picnics and always have dinner around the table with no technology. Allow your child to organise these gatherings, setting the table, calling uncle Tony to ask him over for a picnic or planning the menu. To bring groups together allows you to observe your child in their natural free play stare without the pressures of the unknown. Giving ownership over these events allows them to take some responsibility towards the success (and the cleanup) process. H - Honour Children need to understand that these freedoms, liberties and rules have not come easy. From the wars that have been fought to the fact that grandad worked hard to help us buy our first house need to be told and celebrated. This allows children to develop a sense of respect but more importantly allows them to feel that what they do now, will impact those who come afterwards. "What mark are you going to leave on this Earth?" I - Ignore the Naysayers Children always dream big. Whether it's becoming and astronaut or saving the Amazon. They always dream big without limitations. We must keep fuelling those dreams by throwing wood on the fire but also explain to our children that there will be sceptics. People said that the internet wasn't possible, or walking on the moon was a fallacy but they all happened. Tell them to dream big and hold onto those dreams for one day they may be able to make them come true. J - Just be The world today is all about that drive for recognition. Likes, shares and comments. Instant gratification takes us away from the sense that to be creative or to restore our sense of well-being, we must have time to just be ourselves, in our own head with our own thoughts. Allow your children to be bored. No television, no tech, no stories, no nothing. Allow them to think, to create, to dream. "From great moments of boredom, come extraordinary moments of clarity and creativity." K - Know You are Loved There are people who love you, need you and rely on you. In the classroom children will save seats for each other, invite discuss friends to join their club and hold their hands. Make sure that you encourage this. These friendships and circumstances allow for unique bonds to take hold allowing children to feel their place in the class and the school. Most of all let the children know that you love them and you only want what is best for them. L - Listen (actively) It is so important for children to have a chance to have a voice that is heard and more importantly responded to. Make a place in your daily routine where children can have a voice or opinion, such as group or circle time. Model active listening where a response is given based directly on the statement made. Modelling active listening allows for children to understand that there is a time to respond to another's voice and that is when they have finished talking. Adults can leave obvious gaps in their speech to allow children to understand the meaning of the word conversation. M - Make something
There is an old saying I'm sure you have heard before; "What is work to an adult is play to a child ." Children love to mimic their parents and teachers. To us, sweeping the floor is a mindless, boring chore that we have to undertake, but to a child this is a fun game for them to pretend to be like you. With this in mind, whenever there are repairs to be done in the home - a shelf to build, a cupboard to assemble or a car to fix - allow children to lend a hand, even if it is just to pass you the tools or hammer in a nail. The sense of achievement and teamwork they will get from this small act will stay with them for many years.

N - Nourish your Body and Soul

The old saying 'we are what we eat' and as children start to make choices for themselves it's important that they understand what fuels the body. What foods and drinks will help us sustain this state of health? Allow children to come shopping and make decisions about what goes in their lunchbox. Allow them to not only choose their food, but allow them to make it. If they bought it, chose it and prepared it, there's a better chance that they will eat it. And along the way a lot of learning will surely take place. And once your body is healthy, your mind will follow. Model healthy lifestyles to your children and these healthy routines will last a lifetime.

Take time to point out the smaller things in life. When you see a caterpillar crawling on a leaf, grab the magnifying glass and take a closer look. Take time to smell a flower and discuss its scent but most important of all take time to observe yourself and how you are? Are you taking time out, down time, are you having enough rest? Eating healthy etc. don't forget your child will follow your lead, if you sit down to read each afternoon with the television switched off, so will they. Model the behaviour you wish to view in your child.

It's the greatest lesson there is. Grab a seed and some soil and plant it. Then sit back and watch it grow. Give your children the job of watering it each day, measure it, take a photo each day. Talk about the fundamentals for life and healthy growth. Change the seeds position if need be, alter it's environment. Then relate the seed to a human being. If things are not going well, let's change something. Children need to know that they are connected to nature and as a human being we cannot live without the wonders that nature provides for us. Ultimately our key to success is our environment and we must take time to make it perfect for our existence.

Q - Question Everything
Tell your children to question everything they read, everything they hear, everything they see. Empower them to ask the question "What is the intention behind that advertisement? That article? That statement? Critical reflection and analysis of other people's intentions will allow our students to understand their own intentions. Why did I say those things? Why should I help dad with the laundry? Why am I working so hard at school? Once children can understand their intentions we can start to open the doors to so many exciting initiatives so long as we have the right intentions. To start the ball rolling in your classroom inform your students that you'd like to have reasons why they have produced some kind of work or project. What was their intention? If the intention was to impress the teacher then you need to reset and rethink. When there's not someone there to impress will their motivation still be the same? Self motivation for the right purpose is something we could all do with a revision class on. No matter how technology evolves to make reading more accessible there'll never be anything better than the feeling of a real book. The smell of the paper, the feel of the pages, the handwritten notes in the back of the book, the shifting of weight from left to right as you progress, the knowledge that you can pass the book on after reading or store in on your bookcase for a later date. To allow your children access to books is an essential part of schooling. Reading together, sharing a book, laughing together and having a book club. If there's a library near you then make it your mission to go there once per week. It's a resource that so many can only dream of. But like the mobile library in the photo, where there's a will, there's a way!!!

S - Stretch (mind and body)

Take time each day to stretch your body. Do some light exercise to warm up and get the blood flowing. It can be a simple as 30 star jumps in the morning or before bed. Then take time to stretch the body to relax the muscles and improve flexibility. Feeling comfortable in your own skin and bones is essential for the well-being of our children. And don't forget to stretch your mind by asking the big questions in life. Why are we here? What's the meaning of life? What will happen when I'm older? Sit, stretch, and discuss.

We want to encourage children to be accepting in life. Accepting cultures, faiths, beliefs etc. but it starts by encouraging our children to accept the simple things in life such as change. Encourage your children to try that new food, to walk the path less trodden or to sit with the lonely boy in class. Yes they may hate it, and it won't always be easy but at least from the attempt to try something new, we encourage a certain level of openness. From mistakes comes great learning and you never know, they might just love it.
Technology is part of our lives now and there's no going back. From the G.P.S in our cars to browsing the internet. It's part of us. But the question I often get from parents is "How much time should we allow our children to browse at home?" Eliminating technology completely would be something I would not recommend, but having specific times when technology is allowed seems to be the best option. "A technology window" is something I suggest to families. "Between 4-5pm the iPad is allowed, but it not to be used 1 minute before and as soon as that clock ticks 5pm it's off, regardless of where you are or what your doing!" As a parent do not compromise on this. It's also important to note that technology should not be used as a "keep quiet" activity. It must be meaningful, otherwise what's the point? You may as well allow them to be bored, which will ultimately spark their creativity. When children are bored they become creative. * Limit technology to certain times,
* Know what they are doing,
* Have them in sight
* Don't use it as a "keep quiet"

If you're making a decision in the home or classroom put it to the vote. Promote democracy and debate. Everyone hates to feel that they are being told what to do. Allow children to voice their opinions, concerns or thoughts and then put it to the vote. Children between the age of 6 and 12 are very astute to fairness and equality. Make it fair, promote the democratic process and reap the rewards of calm and content decision making.

It has never been more important for us to allow our children to be bored. Let them have nothing to do. No gadgets, toys or television. Let their mind wonder, let it create, invent and imagine. For it is these moments of creative thought that allow our children to imagine the unknown. Let them think, dream and imagine. Over stimulation gives our children no chance to have clarity of mind. Let them look at the sky, watch a bird eating seeds or a bumble bee hover in the garden. Let the world enter their brain in the most organic way possible.

We must consider what we are thankful for. What is it that we have that we are grateful for. Health, love, warmth, food, clean water, freedom, family.

Encourage our children to be thankful for these things and never take them for granted. Once we become complacent, we can take these things for granted and we never truly know when they can be taken away from us. Constantly remind our children and ourselves that we are indeed very lucky to have what we do.
As the teacher you are merely the facilitator of the child to bridge the gap between them and the knowledge. You are not a font, but a simple bridge. You have an amazing wealth of knowledge, experience and power in the room. Use it wisely to inspire and excite your class and be sure about your answers to all questions for they will hold them dear. When the children in my class ask me; Do you think I can do it? Can I take this project home? Can I show this to another class? Can I work with my friends? Can I work alone? Do I have time to finish it? Is this good enough? Can I sit where I like? Can I learn something new? Do you mind if I complete some research on a topic that I like? Can you leave me alone, I'm busy? Can you help me? Can I tell you something? Are you ok? Do you like your job? Do you think I'd make a good teacher? Should I pack my own lunch tomorrow? Did I try hard today? Are you proud of me? Z - ZZzzzzzzzzz Get enough sleep. Make sure it's a minimum of 8 hours. No technology in the bedroom and make the process of going to sleep a pleasant one. Don't make bedtime a punishment, make it a pleasure. "It's time to rest your body and brain, you've been so busy today, come on let me tuck you in and read you a story." Practise these 26 emotional intelligence activities and see your children grow as fantastic young humans who are ready to take on the world, and then some.

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Your A to Z Guide to Emotional Intelligence for Children (and adults)

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With emotional intelligence a hot topic in the world's of parenting and education I thought I would put together 26 of the best activities parents, caters and teachers can do to allow children to feel emotional grounded.

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A Kids Book About Racism by Jelani Memory

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The Spoke - Early Childhood Australia's Blog

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'School readiness'-many find it controversial. MAREE ALDWINCKLE explores this concept and shares her experience as an early childhood teacher and academic. How can we use better terms and activities to describe children preparing for their transition to school? This question has never been more relevant as Australian children slip behind the OECD average in maths and show a decline in science and reading skills.
Judging from the discussions that occur regularly in my preservice early childhood teacher classes, it seems that there is an obsession with school readiness in early childhood services. Every time I hear this term, I squirm inside. I really would like to remove the concept from our early childhood vocabulary.

The term 'school readiness' is loaded with subtext and meanings. It suggests to most people-parents, teachers and educators-that children need to be ready for school in some developmental or academic manner. It implies that children need to be 'made ready' or 'be ready'. It suggests that there is some benchmark that children need to meet to be an acceptable 'big school' student.

School readiness should be about whether the school is ready or suitable for the child. Not the other way around. Schools should be accountable and ready to meet the diverse needs and abilities of children. All children should be accepted and valued by the school community.

In Australia, we have a free, public school system that is open to all. The NSW Department of Education tells us, 'Every child is entitled to be enrolled at the government school...that the child is eligible to attend.' Every child, not just those who are ready! Eligibility is determined by the child's home location and age. 'All children must be in compulsory schooling by their 6th birthday' (NSW Department of Education, 2019).

Parents and educators need to recognise that every play experience we provide for infants and young children is part of school preparation, whether this is at home or in an early childhood environment. Every conversation, every book we read, every song we sing, every time we go to the park, every time we cook together-it is these types of shared experiences with adults that are preparing children for school.

Did somebody say 'books'? There is much research linking the number of books in the home, and adults reading aloud to children, to academic success at school and later occupational achievement (Sikora, Evens & Kelly, 2019). Drilling with stencils, closed-ended pencil and paper tasks, repeating the alphabet and numbers, letter of the week activities, colouring-in, activity sheets and long adult-directed group times are not effective. Many educators believe these types of experiences can be destructive to developing a love of learning in young children.

We all know that starting school is a significant life-changing event for children and their parents. I can still vividly remember being overwhelmed and awed by my first day at kindergarten. The focus should be on preparing children for the change to the more formal school setting and reducing the anxiety associated with this transition.

As a start, educators and parents can work to demystify school through school visits, discussing schools 'rules', and talking about the physical trappings of the school environment which can be so different from early childhood environments. Remember group sizes are larger, there are fewer adults per child, morning tea and lunches are packed and eaten outside, and classrooms are arranged differently with an emphasis on table and chair configurations. Integrating 'all about school' activities, pretend play, stories and books and providing many opportunities for children to share their questions, concerns and knowledge about going to 'big school' are much more valuable than any closed-ended activity sheets.

So, please let's replace the term 'school readiness' with a more meaningful and effective phase such as 'transition to school'. Shift the focus to minimising anxiety and managing change rather than knowing the alphabet, numbers and colouring-in. Sue Dockett and Bob Perry (2014) have been researching and writing about this for years, but for some reason, the message is not trickling down to many preschool and childcare services in Australia.
References
Dockett, S. & Perry, B. (2014). Continuity of Learning: A resource to support effective transition to school and school age care. Canberra, ACT: Australian Government Department of Education. Retrieved from www.docs.education.gov.au/system/files/doc/other/pdf_with_bookmarking_-_continuity_of_learning-_30_october_2014_1_0.pdf

NSW Department of Education (2019). Primary school enrolment. Retrieved October 2, 2019, from www.education.nsw.gov.au/public-schools/going-to-a-public-school/enrolment/primary-school-enrolment

Sikora, J., Evans, M. D. R. & Kelley, J. (2019). Scholarly culture: How books in adolescence enhance adult literacy, numeracy and technology skills in 31 societies. Social Science Research, 77, 1-15. Retrieved from www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0049089X18300607

First year at school: Essential tips for parents and carers
By Early Childhood Australia and the Australian Primary Principals Association

As a parent whose child is starting school, there are many ways to help your child to have a happy and satisfying beginning to the great adventure of their school years. Experienced parenting experts and educators Jenni Connor and Pam Linke have combined to provide this comprehensive guidebook. Their real-world advice and positive approach will prove valuable for all parents as they seek to reinforce their child's new experiences of learning and build a partnership with the school. First year at school: Essential tips for parents and carers will help you support your child throughout one of the most important years of their life. Purchase your copy here on the ECA Shop.

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School readiness - The Spoke - Early Childhood Australia's Blog

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The problem with 'school readiness.' 'School readiness'-many find it controversial. MAREE ALDWINCKLE explores this concept and shares her experience as an early childhood teacher and academic. How can we use better terms and activities to describe children preparing for their transition to school? This question has never been more relevant as Australian children slip behind ...

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Why parents need to understand brain development

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Why parents need to understand brain development

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So often we as parents are frustrated by our child's behaviour. The tantrums, wanting the same coloured cup, and generally being overly emotional can just be so infuriating. The problem is that all of these behaviours are exactly what our children should be doing for their development. When we understand the basics of child brain development and have some insight into why our children are behaving this way, it can make a huge difference in how we see our children. We no longer see our children as being "naughty" or trying to deliberately drive us crazy, but that they are doing the best with what they have. Also if we help them calm and work through what has upset them, then we are actually supporting positive brain development.

When humans are born their brains are underdeveloped. The reason for this is that if we waited to be born when our brains were developed (like other mammals), then we would be giving birth to a baby with the head the size of a toddler, and nobody wants to do that! So a lot of the development happens after birth, with the majority of growth occurring before the age of 5 years, with the first 1000 days regarded as the most significant time of growth. Human brains develop from the bottom up, starting with the primitive part of the brain that really just keeps you alive, through to the Cortical part of the brain which is our logical problem-solving brain. But it takes years for this development to happen which it why we can't expect kids to think logically if they literally don't have that part of their brain functioning yet. It's a bit like expecting a child to ride a bike before they have learnt to walk, they simply haven't reached that stage of development yet.

I know graphics like the one above can be a little overwhelming, but it is a good visual to understand the progression of brain development.

Brain stem 0-6months: The first part of the brain is developed from birth till about 6 months of age. This is the part of the brain that controls heart-rate, breathing and out fight, flight and freeze response. This part of the brain requires no "thinking" at all it is simply reactive. When we understand this it is easy to see why if children are exposed to trauma, even at a very young age, their fight, flight and freeze response might be overly developed.

Mid Brain 6 months - 2 years: The mid brain is responsible for movement and coordination. It makes sense then that this is the stage when children are learning to roll, crawl and walk. This is when your baby is discovering what their body can do.

Limbic 2- 7 years: This is the part of the brain that we seem to have the most difficulty with. This is why we have terms like "terrible twos" and "three-nagers". This is the development of the emotional brain. This is where kids are beginning to experience big emotions but they don't have the language and thinking part of the brain to express this emotion and deal with it. Even when they have more language, children will mostly be in this limbic part of the brain.

Cortical 7- adult: The thinking part of the brain really doesn't start to be the focus of development until 7 years of age although there is some development from about 4 years. So if we stop and think about this for a minute, we can see that our expectations on our 5 and 6 year old my really be unfair. The prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that helps us regulate emotions, control social behaviour, problem-solve, and reason. It is helpful to know that this part of the brain is still developing well into our 20's, so there is no way that a child can reason the same as an adult.

What does this mean?

What all this information means is that we need to recognise where our child is in their development and trying to reason with them when they are in their Limbic brain is not going to help. We need to be patient and compassionate with them. It doesn't matter how smart you think your 3 year is, they are not capable of rationally talking about why the blue cup is just the same as the pink cup. They can't think about the fact that the cups are the same, they have the same purpose and they can drink out of both. All they know is that they wanted the pink cup and you gave them the blue one and it feels like their world just fell apart. Being in this emotional brain also means that they are more reactive to new events and why they are comforted by continuity such as the same coloured cup. When things change, it can feel like something is wrong and they can't predict what will happen.

Before the thinking brain develops, a child can't say "I'm feeling a bit worried about..." or "I'm really disappointed about..... Their behaviour is their communication that something is wrong. It is our job to help them calm so that we can be their thinking brain and we can give them the language for their feelings. They literally can't do this alone, they need us to use our thinking brain to guide them. Lot of hugs, reassuring and when they are calm name their feeling for them, "you were really disappointed that you didn't get the pink cup". When they feel understood you can start with some logical thinking, "the pink cup was dirty, that's why I gave you the blue cup". Now I know that this may sound unrealistic, who has time for this? But fighting with our kids and trying to reason when they can't reason can take a long time and usually doesn't work. That's why we have to make sure we stay in control and don't get into our limbic brain too.

Remember, it isn't just toddlers that are in their limbic brain. Whenever we are stressed or anxious, our thinking brain is switched off and we are responding out of instinct and emotions. I'm sure we have all had moments when we have lost it. In that moment if someone came up to you and said "now that's not logical, stop crying and get on with it" would that help? I'm guessing it would only add fuel to the fire. Kids are the same, the only difference is that their tolerance for stress and anxiety is lower than ours so they are MORE likely to be in their emotional limbic brain. You can't meet the emotional brain with logic, it simply won't work. You have to meet them in their emotions. Let them see that you understand their feelings and help them calm. When they are calm and only then, will they be able to talk through the problem in a logical way.

As parents we don't need to know the ins and outs of neuro-psychology but having a basic knowledge of brain development can free our kids from our expectations. It also helps us to see our children's behaviour as normal and let us see that they need us to help them develop these skills not punish them for responding in a normal stage of development. We can't expect children to think with an adult brain, they simply don't have these skills. Their emotions are far too intense for them to manage and they physically can't regulate them alone. The need us to help them calm and guide them through to be able to develop these skills effectively.

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Why parents need to understand Brain development

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So often we as parents are frustrated by our child's behaviour. The tantrums, wanting the same coloured cup, and generally being overly emotional can just be so infuriating. The problem is that all of these behaviours are exactly what our children should be doing for their development.

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Hands-down, my all time favorite thing to teach is reading. I especially love teaching children who are just learning to read. I taught Pre-K and Kindergarten for almost six years and cannot tell how rewarding it is to see little ones emerging as readers.

This blog post aims to help parents gain ideas and approaches on how to help children who are ready to explore their reading competencies at home.

As a parent, you will be your child's first, most consistent and most significant teacher.
"Parents are key reading role models. High frequency reading parents are six times more likely to have high frequency reading kids." ( 2008 Kids & Family Reading Report)At home you can focus on different kinds of reading.
1. Reading to your child.
Source: Nancy Ann's blog

Your child needs to be read to consistently. This could be by a parent or other family member and I also like the idea of children listening to audio books that are accompanied with a book.

You can even record your voice and add photos (of the story or your own) as you read . This is a great option to have a ready to go narrated story of your child's fave book.

The free app is called Adobe Voice and is ideal for iPads.

Visit your local library to see if they have regular shared readings.

How long you read with your child will depend on how old they are, how they are feeling on the day, their concentration span and what experience they have as a listener. If your child is not use to being read to, start small and make it achievable, even if it's three minutes. Work on their concentration over a period of time. You can start reading to them from any age, even as babies.

The more a child is read to, the more ready they are to read themselves.

"Only one-third of all students entering high school are proficient in reading." ( NAEP Reading_2009)

2. Read with your child. Your child will show you when they are ready to read. You will notice that they want to join in with repetitive text, rhyme, ending sentences, predicting, questioning and repeating what you read.

Reading with your child is a time for you to guide them to understand the story and words and also pay attention to grammar and spelling.

- Before you read, ask them where the title is, the author and illustrator's name is.

- Ask them to predict what will happen in the story and why.

- You could also ask them why they think someone would write such a story (moral, educate, help, entertain etc).

- Ask them if this book is a real story or just pretend.

- Show your child the correct way to turn pages, slowly and softly from the top right corner downwards.

Students who don't read proficiently by third grade are four times more likely to leave school without a diploma when compared to proficient readers. ( The Annie E. Casey Foundation )

- Reading with your child can be fun. Read a particular word with your child and then ask them to find it in the picture (make sure it's there). Point to the word and say, "This is the word ______ and here is the picture of a/the ___________.

- Question your child about character decisions and actions.

- Ask them what they think will happen on the next page.

- See if they can relate to the characters' experiences to their own of a family member.

- Stop and re-read things that are hard to understand.

Fifteen-year-old students whose parents often read books with them during their first year of primary school show markedly higher scores in PISA 2009 than students whose parents read with them infrequently or not at all.
( Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) )

- Discuss how we take a big breath at the end of a period (full-stop) and a small breath at a comma.

- Point out that there are capitals at the beginning of each sentence.

- Show your child the speech marks and what they mean.

Discuss the reason for any other grammatical features such as speech bubbles, Capitalised words (yelling), italics, dashes and dots.

- As you read, be sure to use intonation (voice levels) and expression. Fluent readers are expressive and this is one of the desired skills you want to teach.

- As you read, you may like to pause for your child to finish the sentence or part of the sentence. This is easiest when the words are repetitive and or rhyming.

* I will elaborate on word activities you can do below in 'Read words in context'.

- Read a variety of fiction and non-fiction books. Many times, we read lots of stories (fiction) but forget the factual books (non-fiction) which can be read in part over a few weeks.

- Read anything and everything. Invite your child to read one or two words in a newspaper or magazine. These could be repetitive words like the, is, most, because. Tell them the word or ask them if they know.

"Students who read widely and frequently are higher achievers than students who read rarely and narrowly." ( Scholastic: Classroom Libraries Work!)

- Have your child read words and numbers in their environment. Read street signs, building signs, door labels, park signs, words on cars and trucks and son on.

- Tell your child regularly what a great reader they are. You can also focus on specifics like, smooth reading, great expression, good concentrating, book care and so on.

3. Listen to your child read independently. Your child will inherently read to themselves and especially when they are read to regularly. This is great for their confidence, empowerment, comprehension and fluency. Fluency is developed when a child's reading sounds like talking and is smooth, expressive and self-regulated. Work on fluency skills by giving your children easy books that have familiar language and that may have read before. Fluency is the end goal of each level of reading.

"Reading frequency declines after age eight - and boys are more likely to be low frequency readers than girls." ( 2008 Kids & Family Reading Report)

- Set aside some time in the day where your child is exposed to books in their own way. Don't tell them to read for a given amount of time, it should come from them but there are ways to help them want to read. This may however change when they are required to read for homework but for children who are beginning school soon, it is vital that you don't force them to read.

- Provide a space in their room that they have helped create. Set up a reading area/nook with old pillows, blankets, chairs and tables (or what ever they say that they want to add). Suggest to your child that they could read to their toys, dolls, bears and so on. It is important to involve them in the process. If at all possible provide your child with a mirror for them to look at themselves whilst they read.

- Set up audio books on your CD player or computer for them to read. Show them how to navigate the app, site or CD player. You will be surprised at how competent they will be after a few goes.

- Praise their independent reading ability by noting how you like their expression, clear voice, the way they held the book, stopped at periods etc. (all the things you do when you are reading with and to your child).

- Acknowledge that they're not going to be reading in a conventional way. It is simply their interpretation and memory of reading. They will make up words and character names but that is perfect, don't correct them.

- When children are reading independently, provide them with books that they have read before, especially the books that you have read together in the past week. Be sure to have non-fiction books available to them as well.

- Provide them with other reading material like old road maps, menus, bills, junk mail, instructions, recipes, calendars or old birthday cards. set this up in their reading area or on their book shelf or in a box.

- Praise their efforts at being independent and note their engagement and enthusiasm for reading. It is vital that children have confidence around reading and parents are often the first to help build this up.

4. Reading Words in Context. Reading a word or words in context seems easy enough but for children who are developing their reading skills and strategies it can be difficult as they have so much information to process. Many times, their emergent reading skills are just blossoming and they haven't had as many opportunities to practice and refine them like we have. Our role in nurturing these skills and strategies is pivotal for their future success as a competent reader.

- Before you read a book to your child, look for a word that is written more than once. A sight word (a word that cannot be sounded out and is learnt by repetition) is a great start. If your child is at school, you might like to use one of the words from a list that they have brought home. You can write the word in large writing on a strip of paper. Tell your child that they are going to go on a word hunt or use the word itself; You are going on a 'this' hunt. See if they can scour each page for the word. When they find it, praise them and ask them to point to it and then read it out loud three times. You could do this is a funny robot, bear, mouse or daddy voice for fun. Read the book and your child holds the paper out and when you read the word, they match the paper strip to the word in the book. Keep on doing this for the rest of the book. After you have finished the story, place the word on the back of the door or somewhere close to where you read with them. As you read each week, you will increase the amount of words they are learning. Remember to go back and read them again every now and then. Remember that there are words that you can't sound out, they are sight words and you can tell them the word if they pause for a length of time.

- Leave out words in the story for children to read.

- After you have read a book to your child, make one word with magnetic letters. Discuss the sounds that make that word.

- When you are reading words in the environment discuss meaning and who might of put that sign, poster of advertisement up and why.

- Use different reading materials and invite your child to try and read a word with you based on an illustration or the context of the writing e.g a chicken recipe, menu or a piece of junk mail.

- Decipher book titles by discussing the cover illustrations. If they observe a bear, ask them, "Where is the word bear?"

- When reading books with rhyme, read the two rhyming words and then make up or recall several other words that rhyme with these two words.

- When you read a word(s) that describes a person place or thing (adjective), ask your child to think of and verbally list other adjectives that could describe that thing.

- Read labels and packaging around the house, note the first sound and make it out loud for example, "Milk, m for milk, m makes an mmmmmmm sounds." Can you make an "mmmmm sound?" "M for milk". Ask your child to find m with their magnetic letters. Then ask them to find other things around the house that also begin with the mmmmmm sound. It would be fun to use the first sound in their name and surname and then family members' names.

This stage sees the reader developing an extensive vocabulary which will assist them in becoming competent readers as they have the knowledge and experience with reading and understanding the word. This will also inherently inform their writing skills.

For more learn to read ideas, you might like to visit our Pinterest board; Learn to Read and Write.

5. Read words out of context . This is the final stage of the process. Your child is ready to read words that are in isolation and not necessarily in a book. This stage is recommended for when children have some phonological awareness meaning they are working on the sounds that letters make and the relationship sounds and letters have with each other. Your child will always use a meaning cue as you have established this foundation, now it is time to work on their phonological awareness skills. This will of course be taught at school but there are some fun things to do, that will help.

- Record words on a piece of paper with a highlighter. Ask your child to trace over the words and read them together. Ask them if they know the beginning sounds in each word.

- Write common words, names or new words on a piece of paper with a bold marker. Ask your child to trace over it with their finger and then use collage materials for the dollar store (confetti, stickers, buttons) to stick over the top of each letter in the word. Break down the sounds in the word with them.

- Invite your child to make their name or words out of play dough. Show them the techniques you use to roll out and form letters. Ensure that you have a sample of the word for them to look at and copy.

- Make a word using magazine and newspaper pages.

- Write ten words that you want your child to learn (see our free Dolch and Fry high frequency word lists here) each on one piece of paper. Take a photo of them holding up one word at a time. print out the photos and make them into a book or save them in a PowerPoint presentation file and replay them a few times throughout the week.

- Place chosen words on post it notes (one on each). Place them on some toy cars and race them down the hill to see which one wins.

- Write chosen words on balloons and play a game of tennis or just hit them around the room as you read and or spell them with the family.

In summary, your aim as your child embarks on the world of reading is first and foremost confidence and the desire to read for pleasure.

"Research has found a relation between the amount of time that children read for fun on their own and reading achievement." ( Handbook of Research on Teaching the English Language Arts)

You are your child's catalyst for growth and self-esteem. I hope these ideas go along way to help you teach your child the first steps of reading.

This infograph also sums up learning to read at home.

(Visited 12,413 times, 143 visits today)

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I can Read: learning to read at home - Clever Classroom Blog

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Hands-down, my all time favorite thing to teach is reading. I especially love teaching children who are just learning to read. I taught Pre-K and Kindergarten for almost six years and cannot tell how rewarding it is to see little ones emerging as readers. This blog post aims to help parents gain ideas and ...

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If you are teaching responsibility to your child, you know that it can be a long road, but it can be so worth it! Raising a child that takes care of themselves and cares about others is so important.

Forgetting homework, not cleaning their room, losing their shoes, forgetting to take their lunchbox... the list goes on and on. Hopefully, these things get better with age, but it is up to us to help them until then.

We need to teach our children how to be responsible. So often, we find ourselves doing these things for our children and coming to the rescue because it is easier or faster and because we love them, but we aren't helping them in the long run.

If we truly want to be teaching responsibility, we need to be guiding them in the right direction. Here are a few suggestions to help your child be more responsible:

Try a "parent-free" night on a weekend. This means that you are home and still supervising, but you stop doing everything for one night. Talk to your kids about it beforehand. On the morning of parent-free day, stop doing it all. Do not cook, clean, help with chores (well- you will still do things like handle any medicine and hot foods, etc...) The point of this exercise is to let your child see how much you are doing and help them try to be more responsible for their things. Sit down at the end of the day and ask them if they can see how much you need their help. Ask them if they have any ides of where they could help out more around the house.

Play "I am responsible." This is where you have a list of 10 questions and each person gets to pick one question to answer (write the questions on strips of paper - each child takes one strip of paper, until they are all gone). Go around to every family member and ask the question on their paper. Each person comes up with an answer to their scenario.
Examples of scenarios:
1. I let the dog out and he got muddy. What can I do?
2. I left my homework by the dinner table and I spilled sauce on it? What can I do? What should I have done?
3. I forgot to pick up my toys and my mom tripped on them. What can I do?

Try not to make excuses for your child. This can make it worse for your child.

If your child makes excuses, remember that it is a way for them to shift the focus from the responsibility to the excuse. They may not even be aware that they are doing this.

According to James Lehman, when you say, "Why didn't you do your homework," the parent is really asking, "Why didn't you meet your responsibility?  When your child says, I forgot to bring my book home again,  he's really saying, It's not my fault that I didn't meet my responsibility.  You need to respond by saying, We're not talking about whose fault it is, we're talking about whose responsibility it is.  In that way, you can shift the focus back onto the child's responsibilities and you won't get stuck in an argument about the nature of the excuse. If the child makes excuses about misbehavior, respond, We're not talking about why you misbehaved, we're talking about why you didn't meet your responsibility.  If you argue or debate about the excuse, you're simply encouraging your child to come up with bigger and better ones. ~EmpoweringParents.com

Start early, with simple chores and responsibilities when they are young. You don't want to have a 12 year old asking you to make their bed or get them cereal in the morning.

Let them be your partner. Our kids loved helping me as toddlers and preschools, so that now they can do it on their own. Guide them and teach them while they are helping you.

Be someone that they want to imitate. They try to be like superheroes and actresses... they also try to be like you. Give them a great example to follow.

Don't expect perfection. If you expect too much and your child fails to reach it, he will feel like a failure. Make your bar high, but obtainable.

Do NOT bribe them ... well, we know that sometimes we all bribe our kids ("If you are good at the store, we can buy gum at the end.") Try not to bribe them for chores or doing what they should be doing to help the family or themselves.

Do If... Then. IF you clean up your room, THEN you can play outside.

Let your child fall. This one is hard... OH yes, I know! I read one time that you can tell a child over and over again not to step on the slippery rock, but until they do it themselves and fall, they will always want to try it. Sometimes, if there is a small lesson that can teach a bigger one, it is OK to let them fall.

Make them repay you. How many times do we tell our kids that we will let them have this toy, but they have to pay us later... only to forget? I have done this several times. We need to try to remember. If they do not repay us, we should return the toy. It is better to learn this lesson over a toy than over a mortgage.

Hold them accountable. If your child joins a team or makes a commitment, talk to them about why they need to keep it (they would let their team down, they would be not pulling their weight, etc...) Plus, most sports are only a season, showing the child that they can do it and make it until the end.

The hardest part about teaching a child to be responsible is not running to their rescue. I am a mom, so I know how much we want to swoop in and save the day. I can't even recall how many times I've taken lunch boxes, forgotten homework and fundraiser money to the school in the middle of the day.

I can't tell you how many times I have searched for 15 minutes for a lost shoe or a lost baseball mitt. Helping is a great way to show our kids that we care and teach them to be empathetic, but we also need to hold them responsible for their own things... and this is where the hard part of parenting comes in.

I would love to hear your suggestions! Join us on Facebook and share your advice to our many reader questions.

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Let Your Child Do It! Teaching Responsibility - KidsActivitiesBlog.com

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If you are teaching responsibility to your child, you know that it can be a long road, but it can be so worth it! Raising a child that takes care of themselves and cares about others is so important. Forgetting homework, not cleaning their room, losing their shoes, forgetting to take their lunchbox...

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Questions to ask about how was school today

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Questions to ask about how was school today

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These questions will help you draw out important information from your kids.

© digitalskillet/Getty Images

How many times have you asked your child, "How was school today?" and been frustrated by the lack of response? As a parent, I'm guilty of asking my son this question all the time, even though I usually don't get much in return.

Sometimes (to be honest), I haven't had the energy for a real conversation. Other times, I just can't think of what to ask. As a teacher, I have often wished that kids would share stories of the awesome things we were doing with their parents, but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen.

Now that my son is in middle school-where communication from teachers is less than it was when he was in elementary school and more stuff is happening at school that I need to be aware of-I've identified a list of questions that draw out important information. I wish that when I was in the classroom I'd been able to offer this list to parents so that they could hear about what we were doing in our class.

The Questions

1. Tell me about a moment today when you felt excited about what you were learning.

2. Tell me about a moment in class when you felt confused.

3. Think about what you learned and did in school today. What's something you'd like to know more about? What's a question you have that came from your learning today?

4. Were there any moments today when you felt worried? When you felt scared?

5. Were there any times today when you felt disrespected by anyone? Tell me about those moments.

6. Were there times today when you felt that one of your classmates demonstrated care for you?

7. Were there any moments today when you felt proud of yourself?

8. Tell me about a conversation you had with a classmate or friend that you enjoyed.

9. What was challenging about your day?

10. What do you appreciate about your day?

11. What did you learn about yourself today?

12. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about that I might be able to help you figure out?

13. Is there anything you're worried about?

14. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

15. Is there a question you wish I'd ask you about your day?

With slight wording modifications, these questions can work with children of all ages:

Tips for Asking Questions

How and when we ask these questions makes a big difference in the information we receive from our kids. First, you don't want to ask all of these questions on the same day. You might ask one or two. After a while, you'll figure out which ones elicit the most meaningful responses. You'll want to ask during a time when you have the ability to focus so that your child feels they have your full attention. With my child-and in my household-dinner and driving in the car are optimal times for these conversations.

Now these conversations have become routine. My son knows that when we drive to school I'll ask him what he's looking forward to, if there's anything he's worried about, and if there's anything he wants to talk about with me that I might be able to help him figure out.

More Suggestions

Don't interrupt. This is a good rule for any conversation, but especially if you want to get a lot of information out of a kid.

Ask for more. Simply say, "I'd love to hear more about that..." Or, "Can you expand on that a little?"

Ask about feelings. After a child describes an experience, ask, "How did you feel in that moment? What did you notice about your feelings?"

Validate feelings. Whatever your kid feels is normal and okay. Let them know that. Feelings are okay. Tell them this.

Tell them it's not okay for teachers or kids to be unkind or mean. If they tell you a story about a teacher who yelled or disrespected them (regardless of what they said or did) let them know that it's not okay for an adult to treat them that way. Same goes for how they are treated by other children.

Thank them for sharing with you. Always appreciate their honesty and willingness to share the highlights and bright spots, as well as the difficult moments. This will fuel their confidence in telling you more.

The following can help your conversations be positive and powerful:

What questions bring about the most conversation between you and your kids?

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15 Questions to Replace 'How Was School Today?'

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These questions will help you draw out important information from your kids. © digitalskillet/Getty Images How many times have you asked your child, "How was school today?" and been frustrated by the lack of response? As a parent, I'm guilty of asking my son this question all the time, even though I usually don't get much in return.

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Why is mother tongue so important?

Professor Jim Cummins from the University of Toronto has written about the importance of mother tongue. Why is it so important that parents speak their own mother tongue to their children?

According to Cummins, research has clearly shown that mother tongue has a very important role in children’s overall development. When children develop their skills in two or even three languages, they get a deeper understanding of how to use different languages effectively. In fact, extensive research supports the notion that a child who only knows one language doesn’t know it well enough. The situation is different with children who speak more languages. They are often more flexible in their thinking as they can process information in different languages.

Strong mother tongue helps foreign language learning

The stronger the children’s mother tongue, the easier it is for them to learn new languages. Children who have a solid foundation in their mother tongue, develop better literacy skills also in other languages that they learn. When parents and other important adults have time to discuss and read in the child’s mother tongue and thus help expand the child’s vocabulary, the child will be better prepared when kindergarten or school starts and can easily learn new languages. Children’s knowledge and skills transfer over languages. Skills learned in the mother tongue will transfer to the other languages learned in school, as long as all languages are supported.

Therefore, it is very important that parents speak their mother tongue at home. Feelings, which are important for the child’s development, are also passed on through the mother tongue. Parents can support their children’s second and foreign language learning by using mother tongue diversely, reading and telling stories. It’s important for the children that parents have a positive attitude towards new languages. If children notice that their parents are supportive of learning new languages, children themselves will then be more motivated to learn. The best way for parents to support their children’s linguistic development is to spend time with their children. Storytelling, discussions, reading books and offering support and encouragement in their mother tongue will aid children on their journey to become multilinguals.

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Teach Kids Importance Of Mother Tongue - Parentcircle

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Read On To Understand The Pivotal Role Of Passing On The Heritage Of Your Mother Tongue To Your Kids.

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Activities to Encourage Speech and Language Development

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The American Speech-Language-Hearing Association offers these age-appropriate ways that parents can engage their young children to help develop speech and language abilities.

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9 Easy Ways to Build Your Child's Language Skills

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Communication blossoms when you and your child do things with each other.

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What is school readiness?

School readiness refers to whether a child is ready to make an easy and successful transition into school. The term 'preschool readiness' might be used in the same manner in reference to beginning preschool (Kindergarten). School readiness can be actively facilitated with a little forward planning to ensure that children regularly participate in activities that develops the appropriate skills required to help optimal learning when they start school. While many people think of academics (e.g. writing their name, counting to 10, knowing the colors) as the important school readiness skills, school readiness actually refers to a much broader range of skills. In addition to some academic basics, school readiness skills also include self care (independent toileting and opening lunch boxes), attention and concentration, physical skills (e.g. having the endurance to sit upright for an entire school day), emotional regulation, language skills and play and social skills.

Why are school readiness skills important?

The development of school readiness skills allows school teachers to expand and further develop a child's skills in the specific areas of social interaction, play, language, emotional development, physical skills, literacy and fine motor skills. Without these basic skills already established upon entry to school, children can very quickly find themselves playing 'catch up' compared to their peers that are advancing more quickly. Students that begin school with the build block (or foundation) skills in place advance quickly as opposed to those that start school only to then begin the slow process of developing school readiness.

What are the building blocks necessary to develop school readiness?

Self Regulation: The ability to obtain, maintain and change emotion, behaviour, attention and activity level appropriate for a task or situation.

Sensory processing: Accurate processing of sensory stimulation in the environment as well as in one's own body that influences attention and learning that effects how you sit, hold a pencil and listen to the teacher.

Receptive language (understanding): Comprehension of spoken language (e.g. the teachers instructions).

Expressive language (using language): Producing speech or language that can be understood by others (e.g. talking to friends).

Articulation: The ability to clearly pronounce individual sounds in words.

Executive functioning: Higher order reasoning and thinking skills (e.g.What do I need to pack to take to school?).

Emotional development/regulation: The ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions and regulate emotions (for a child's own responses to challenges).

Social skills: Determined by the ability to engage in reciprocal interaction with others (either verbally or non-verbally), to compromise with others and to be able to recognise and follow social norms.

Planning and sequencing: The sequential multi-step task/activity performance to achieve a well-defined result (e.g. a cut and paste task or a simple maths worksheet).

How can you tell if my child has problems with school readiness?

If a child has difficulties with school readiness they might:

Get easily frustrated when expectations are placed upon them.

Struggle to follow instructions in daily activities.

Rely on parents to do self care tasks, such as dressing.

Not be toilet trained (day time).

Struggle to attend to tasks as long as their peers (length varies according to tasks)

Be socially immature (e.g. unable to share, be unable to shift with changing rules of a game in play).

Have poor receptive and/or expressive language skills.

Have difficulty understanding consequences of their behaviours.

Not be interested in looking at books and/or doing sit down activities.

Not interact well with their peers (either in or out of the classroom).

Have limited play skills (and cant change their play to incorporate new play items or people).

Be resistant to new activities and/or being guided about how to develop new skills.

Be resistant to input from others in order to learn.

What other problems can occur when a child has difficulties with school readiness?

When a child has school readiness difficulties, they might also have difficulties with:

Self regulation: The ability to obtain, maintain and change one's emotion, behaviour, attention and activity level appropriate for a task or situation in a socially acceptable manner.

Receptive language (understanding): Comprehension of language.

Expressive language (using language): The use of language through speech, sign or alternative forms of communication to communicate wants, needs, thoughts and ideas.

Executive functioning: Higher order reasoning and thinking skills.

Emotional development/regulation: The ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions and to regulate emotions.

Social skills: Determined by the ability to engage in reciprocal interaction with others (either verbally or non-verbally), to compromise with others, and be able to recognize and follow social norms.

Planning and sequencing: The sequential multi-step task/activity performance to achieve a well-defined result.

Self care skills: such as dressing and toileting independently.

Gross motor skills: Whole body physical skills using the core strength muscles of the trunk, arms, legs such as running, skipping, jumping and ball skills.

Fine motor skills: Finger and hand skills such as writing, cutting, opening lunch boxes, tying shoelaces.

What can be done to improve school readiness skills?

In the lead up to school start, the following activities can be helpful:

Parenting expectations: Increase expectations of the child around self care tasks such as dressing, toileting, eating, and getting ready to leave the house. Provide only verbal rather than physical 'help' to complete the tasks where possible.

Social skills: Encourage the child to develop relationships with other (unfamiliar) children of a similar age, and arrange suitable 'play dates' for social interaction practice where the adults actively facilitate this play practice.

Books: Expose the child to books to prepare them for literacy so they learn to sit through the entirety of a book.

Early preparation: Start preparing the child for school at the age of 4 by talking about expectations at school, appropriate behaviour, and regularly engaging in 'sit down' activities.

Collaboration: Work with the child's preschool teacher to identify any signs of deficit or slow development so that these areas can be targeted before the child starts school.

Visual strategies: Use visuals (such as picture schedules) to help the child understand the routine of their day both at home and at preschool (kindergarten). You could even make visuals for school in advance (note: many commercial books serve as a rough visual schedule as a starting point). Transition visits are a good time to ask the teacher what the rough schedule is likely to be, and ideally to take some relevant photos at the same time.

Outings: Prepare the child for school excursions by going to places such as the library, the zoo, the shopping centre and help the child to understand appropriate behaviour in these environments. Visits to the school play ground, toilet block and classroom door on the weekends or during school holidays before school start may also be helpful to familiarize the child with the new setting.

Fine motor skill development: This is an area that will be a large part of the activities undertaken at school, so developing these skills will enable the child to participate in activities much more easily and willingly. This really means practice cutting, colouring, drawing, and writing their name.

What activities can help improve school readiness skills?

There are many simple activities that parents and teachers can do to help prepare a child for school.

Suggested School Readiness Preparation Tasks and Activities are outlined in this helpful table.

Why should I seek therapy if I notice difficulties with school readiness in my child?

Therapeutic intervention to help a child with school readiness difficulties is important as:

You only get one chance at making an easy and successful school entry - throw everything you have at it in order to create a positive 'love school' attitude in the early days that will see you through any tough times that follow. If in doubt, act early to preserve self esteem!

Completing both routine as well as attempting unfamiliar tasks (which school will regularly demand) are likely to feel very challenging, thus denting self-esteem and restricting participation. Practicing this in the comfort of home first will help develop comfort when challenged in the school setting.

To identify the specific areas of skill breakdown so that these can be specifically targeted ideally before school entry to remove any hurdles to an easy and successful school entry.

To discover fun, innovative ways to help the child to develop an understanding of the skill areas required for school success.

School transition may be difficult if the child is reluctant to follow instructions (e.g. classroom instructions, academic task requirements) so again practice in advance can help smooth the transition.

Social isolation can impact not only the child, but also the parents if the child does not make new friends at school. So social skill development is paramount as at the very least most parents want their child to be happy which is largely influenced by the social connections at school.

If left untreated what can difficulties with school readiness lead to?

When children have difficulties with school readiness, they might also have difficulty with:

Dislike of school, learning and sometimes even the teacher who is the bearer of the school demands.

Accessing the curriculum being instructed because the building block (foundation) skills are not yet developed sufficiently to allow task performance.

Peer rejection and social isolation where children feel overwhelmed or socially uncomfortable.

Following instructions from others in a position of authority at school (e.g. teachers).

Poor academic outcomes as the child may be in a negative state that is not conducive to learning.

Not only might the child become stressed and anxious as they realise their limitations, but also their parents and teachers.

What type of therapy is recommended for school readiness difficulties?

If your child has difficulties with school readiness, it is recommended they consult an Occupational Therapist and/or a Speech Therapist to address the functional areas of concern. This is the benefit of choosing Kid Sense which provides both Occupational Therapy and Speech Therapy.

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School Readiness - Kid Sense Child Development

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Occupational Therapy and Speech Pathology helps children with school readiness by developing: language, social, physical, academic, and emotional skills.

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Confidence and independence at primary school | Oxford Owl

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Advice for parents who want encourage their child's independence before they start primary school.

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Have you ever looked up a recipe to make a dish that you weren't confident trying on your own? Have you ever referenced a familiar prayer or quote in a time of need? Or maybe, you've picked up the latest get fit fast book to get in shape. We all turn to books to solve different problems in our life. Books for kids are no exception. We can use books to help kids navigate tough situations. Today, that tough situation is death and grief.

Books for Kids on Death and Grief

Full Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Some books were sent for me to review. All opinions expressed are my own.

General Books About Death

Always Remember by Meng is the story of sea friends who remember Old Turtle who has passed away.

My Yellow Balloon by Tiffany Papageorge is a beautifully illustrated book about a boy who gets a yellow balloon at a carnival. One day the balloon slips off his wrist and drifts away. Joey feels angry, confused, and sad as he tries to process his loss. As time passes he transitions from feeling sad most of the time to just some of the time.
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia is a classic story to help kids process death. It uses the life cycle of a leaf to explain the process of life.
For a little more of a concrete story example of the leaf life cycle, check out Buddy and Bea by Len Saunders. It is the tale of a leaf, a bird, and the circle of life. Bea the bird watches her leaf friend emerge as a bud and live until it's time for him to fall from the tree.

The Invisible String by Patrice Garst is a reassuring book that helps to explain that even though we aren't physically with someone, we are connected by an invisible string. There is a one-page spread that does address the invisible string reaching all the way to heaven.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr can help even our youngest ones address all the feelings that come along with saying goodbye.
It Will Be Oka y by Lysa TerKeurst shows kids that they can always turn to God in a tough situation like death.

Death of a Grandparent

My Superhero Grandpa by Michele McAvoy helps kids visualize that even though Grandpa is in Heaven, he can still share his super powers with us.

Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs is written by the very talented Tomie DePaola. "She will come back in your memory whenever you think about her." is the gentle message kids will take away from the book.

Death of a Parent

Emily Lost Someone She Loved by Kathleen Fucci is the story of a very happy girl until one day when everything changes. She loses a loved one (her mom) and then that happy go lucky girl feels lost and questioning where God is in her life. Her supportive family helps her grieve and turn to God for support.

Grief is Like a Snowflake by Julia Cook helps to process the loss of a father. The book is very reassuring for little ones.
Everett Anderson's Goodbye by Lucile Clifton also address the death of a father. Everett experiences several stages of grief in the story.
For the loss of mom, check out Missing Mommy by Rebecca Cobb.

Death of a Friend

Ida, Always by Caron Levis is a heart-breaking and heart-warming story of two polar bear friends. Gus learns that Ida is sick. After she passes, Gus realizes that she may be gone, but not forgotten. It's one of my favorites on the list.
Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories by Audrey Penn tells us about the loss of a friend and how we can take our memories of our friends to help us get through the grief.

Death of a Sibling

This is a super tough topic to help kids process. I put together a special list with age recommendations for this section.-> Death of a Sibling Books

Death of a Pet

The Rough Patch by Brain Lies is the story of a human-like fox and his dog. They spend all their time together and are so happy especially tending the garden. But, one day his dog passes away and the fox lets the garden turn to weeds. Then one day, he notices a vine in the weeds and his sorrow starts to fade. A great book for processing grief.

I'll Always Love You by Hans Wihelm is the story of a family that wakes up one morning to find that their beloved dog has passed away.

If your child wonders where their beloved pet goes, Cat Heaven and Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant may be extremely comforting.

It's a list I hope that we don't need anytime soon. But, it's helpful to know that it exists when that time comes. Turn to one of these books the next your child is grieving the loss of someone important to her.

Printable List of Books About Death and Grief

This is one list you will want to hold onto for future reference.

PIN IT! for others to find
P.S. For more great book recommendations and literacy ideas to reach all growing readers, sign up to receive our FREE weekly emails.

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Have you ever looked up a recipe to make a dish that you weren't confident trying on your own? Have you ever referenced a familiar prayer or quote in a time of need? Or maybe, you've picked up the latest get fit fast book to get in shape.

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Have you ever looked up a recipe to make a dish that you weren't confident trying on your own? Have you ever referenced a familiar prayer or quote in a time of need? Or maybe, you've picked up the latest get fit fast book to get in shape. We all turn to books to solve different problems in our life. Books for kids are no exception. We can use books to help kids navigate tough situations. Today, that tough situation is death and grief.

Books for Kids on Death and Grief

Full Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Some books were sent for me to review. All opinions expressed are my own.

General Books About Death

Always Remember by Meng is the story of sea friends who remember Old Turtle who has passed away.

My Yellow Balloon by Tiffany Papageorge is a beautifully illustrated book about a boy who gets a yellow balloon at a carnival. One day the balloon slips off his wrist and drifts away. Joey feels angry, confused, and sad as he tries to process his loss. As time passes he transitions from feeling sad most of the time to just some of the time.
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia is a classic story to help kids process death. It uses the life cycle of a leaf to explain the process of life.
For a little more of a concrete story example of the leaf life cycle, check out Buddy and Bea by Len Saunders. It is the tale of a leaf, a bird, and the circle of life. Bea the bird watches her leaf friend emerge as a bud and live until it's time for him to fall from the tree.

The Invisible String by Patrice Garst is a reassuring book that helps to explain that even though we aren't physically with someone, we are connected by an invisible string. There is a one-page spread that does address the invisible string reaching all the way to heaven.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr can help even our youngest ones address all the feelings that come along with saying goodbye.
It Will Be Oka y by Lysa TerKeurst shows kids that they can always turn to God in a tough situation like death.

Death of a Grandparent

My Superhero Grandpa by Michele McAvoy helps kids visualize that even though Grandpa is in Heaven, he can still share his super powers with us.

Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs is written by the very talented Tomie DePaola. "She will come back in your memory whenever you think about her." is the gentle message kids will take away from the book.

Death of a Parent

Emily Lost Someone She Loved by Kathleen Fucci is the story of a very happy girl until one day when everything changes. She loses a loved one (her mom) and then that happy go lucky girl feels lost and questioning where God is in her life. Her supportive family helps her grieve and turn to God for support.

Grief is Like a Snowflake by Julia Cook helps to process the loss of a father. The book is very reassuring for little ones.
Everett Anderson's Goodbye by Lucile Clifton also address the death of a father. Everett experiences several stages of grief in the story.
For the loss of mom, check out Missing Mommy by Rebecca Cobb.

Death of a Friend

Ida, Always by Caron Levis is a heart-breaking and heart-warming story of two polar bear friends. Gus learns that Ida is sick. After she passes, Gus realizes that she may be gone, but not forgotten. It's one of my favorites on the list.
Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories by Audrey Penn tells us about the loss of a friend and how we can take our memories of our friends to help us get through the grief.

Death of a Sibling

This is a super tough topic to help kids process. I put together a special list with age recommendations for this section.-> Death of a Sibling Books

Death of a Pet

The Rough Patch by Brain Lies is the story of a human-like fox and his dog. They spend all their time together and are so happy especially tending the garden. But, one day his dog passes away and the fox lets the garden turn to weeds. Then one day, he notices a vine in the weeds and his sorrow starts to fade. A great book for processing grief.

I'll Always Love You by Hans Wihelm is the story of a family that wakes up one morning to find that their beloved dog has passed away.

If your child wonders where their beloved pet goes, Cat Heaven and Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant may be extremely comforting.

It's a list I hope that we don't need anytime soon. But, it's helpful to know that it exists when that time comes. Turn to one of these books the next your child is grieving the loss of someone important to her.

Printable List of Books About Death and Grief

This is one list you will want to hold onto for future reference.

PIN IT! for others to find
P.S. For more great book recommendations and literacy ideas to reach all growing readers, sign up to receive our FREE weekly emails.

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Have you ever looked up a recipe to make a dish that you weren't confident trying on your own? Have you ever referenced a familiar prayer or quote in a time of need? Or maybe, you've picked up the latest get fit fast book to get in shape.

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Relational aggression in young children. Includes some great book recommendations.

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Children, especially girls, begin to withhold friendship as a weapon as early as three years old.

Parents are often startled to realize that relational aggression - using the threat of removing friendship, ostracism, and other forms of social exclusion - can appear in children as young as three years old. For children that young, the experience of being pushed away by a friend can be utterly baffling, provoking anxiety at daycare or preschool. Moreover, as parents and educators observe these more subtle forms of bullying, it's becoming clear that they require as much attention as physical aggression. In an excellent piece in the Wall Street Journal, Laura Barbour, a counselor at an Oregon elementary school, observes, "Kids forget about scuffles on the playground but they don't forget about unkind words or being left out."

Relational aggression appears to be more common in girls than boys, perhaps, researchers say, because the average girl is more socially developed and more verbal than a boy of the same age. These "mean girl" tactics are often considered a middle-school problem, but both parents and teachers report them in elementary school and even preschool classes. Laurel Klaasen, a counselor at an elementary school in Iowa, says, "They're already thinking at that age about being popular, being the queen of the classroom, or the queen of the playground and vying for that position."

Because this sort of jockeying involves words and relationships rather than fists and feet, kids, parents, and educators often fail to recognize it for what it is: bullying. Trudy Ludwig, author of multiple anti-bullying books, agrees that "kids don't understand that manipulating friendships and relationships is bullying and that's what I'm trying to educate the kids and the staff about." When she does classroom presentations, one way she makes her point is to ask kids whether they would rather suffer a physical attack or relational aggression; over 90% of kids say relational aggression is more hurtful. In other words, she says, "They'd rather be punched in the stomach."

While relational aggression tends to increase with age, parents and educators can do a lot to counteract it. Simple lessons in empathy - "Imagine how it would feel if someone did that to you?" - go a long way to preventing relational aggression. Sharing books that teach kids the importance of kindness helps to build that empathy, and shows them the difference they can make by offering compassion to others. It's also important for us to talk about bullying with kids in a way that highlights the nuances of it, so that they recognize the difference between a hurtful misunderstanding and the power dynamics exploited by a bully. And, if we show kids what genuine friendship looks like, they'll be better able to recognize when a "friendship" doesn't offer them the caring and support they deserve.

Most importantly, parents and teachers have to understand that relational aggression isn't something kids, especially younger-grade kids, can work through on their own. Samantha Walravens' kindergarten daughter Genevieve ended up caught in a best-friends triangle that left her crying with a stomachache, not wanting to go to school. With some cooperation from the teacher, they encouraged the other girls to understand how Genevieve felt, and encouraged Genevieve to develop other friendships to support her. Walravens says, "I always tell her you can go to me or the teacher and we will help you work it out. A lot of the stuff they can't work out on their own."

Books For Kids and parents on Relational Aggression

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"You're Not My Friend!" - Relational Aggression Starts As Early As Preschool

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Children, especially girls, begin to withhold friendship as a weapon as early as three years old. Parents are often startled to realize that relational aggression - using the threat of removing friendship, ostracism, and other forms of social exclusion - can appear in children as young as three years old.

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Anxiety, worries and fear: a normal part of childhood

It's normal for children to show signs of anxiety, worries and fears sometimes. In most cases, anxiety in children and fears in childhood come and go and don't last long.

In fact, different anxieties often develop at different stages. For example:

Babies and toddlers often fear loud noises, heights, strangers and separation.

Preschoolers might start to show fear of being on their own and of the dark.

School-age children might be afraid of supernatural things (like ghosts), social situations, failure, criticism or tests, and physical harm or threat.

Babies and young children don't tend to worry about things. For children to be worried, they have to imagine the future and bad things that might happen in it. This is why worries become more common in children over eight years of age.

Children also worry about different things as they get older. In early childhood, they might worry about getting sick or hurt. In older childhood and adolescence, the focus becomes less concrete. For example, they might think a lot about war, economic and political fears, family relationships and so on.

Worry and fear are different forms of anxiety. Fear usually happens in the present. Worry usually happens when a child thinks about past or future situations. For example, a child might be fearful when she sees a dog and also worry about visiting a friend with a pet dog.

How to support your child with anxiety

If your child shows signs of normal childhood anxiety, you can support him in several ways:

Acknowledge your child's fear - don't dismiss or ignore it.

Gently encourage your child to do things she's anxious about, but don't push her to face situations she doesn't want to face.

Wait until your child actually gets anxious before you step in to help.

Praise your child for doing something he's anxious about, rather than criticising him for being afraid.

Avoid labelling your child as 'shy' or 'anxious'.

Types of anxiety in children

Children experience several types of anxiety. A child might have only one type of anxiety, or she might show features of several of them.

Social anxiety in children
Social anxiety is fear and worry in situations where children have to interact with other people, or be the focus of attention. Children with social anxiety might:

believe that others will think badly of or laugh at them

be shy or withdrawn

have difficulty meeting other children or joining in groups

have only a few friends

avoid social situations where they might be the focus of attention or stand out from others - for example, talking on the telephone and asking or answering questions in class.

Our article on social anxiety has information and tips on helping your child.

Separation anxiety in children
Separation anxiety is the fear and worry children experience when they can't be with their parents or carers. Children with separation anxiety might:

protest, cry or struggle when being separated from their parents or carers

worry about getting hurt or having an accident (they might worry about their parents or themselves)

refuse to go to or stay at day care, preschool or school by themselves

refuse to sleep at other people's homes without their parents or carers

feel sick when separated from their parents or carers.

Our article on separation anxiety has information and tips on helping your child.

Generalised anxiety in children
Children with generalised anxiety tend to worry about many areas of life - anything from friends at playgroup to world events. Children with generalised anxiety might:

worry about things like health, schoolwork, school or sporting achievements, money, safety, world events and so on

feel the need to get everything perfect

feel scared of asking or answering questions in class

find it hard to perform in tests

be afraid of new or unfamiliar situations

seek constant reassurance

feel sick when worried.

Our article on generalised anxiety has information and tips on helping your child.

Read about the stepladder approach, a gentle behaviour technique that can be used to help children who experience different anxieties.

When to be concerned about anxiety in children

Most children have fears or worries of some kind. But if you're concerned about your child's fears, worries or anxiety, it's a good idea to seek professional help.

You might consider seeing your GP or another health professional if:

your child's anxiety is stopping him from doing things he wants to do or interfering with his friendships, schoolwork or family life

your child's behaviour is very different from children the same age - for example, it's common for most children to have separation fears when going to preschool for the first time, but far less common over the age of eight years

your child's reactions seem unusually severe - for example, your child might show extreme distress or be very hard to settle when you leave him.

Severe anxiety can impact on children's health and happiness. Some anxious children will grow out of their fears, but others will keep having trouble with anxiety unless they get professional help.

Finding professional help and treatment for children with anxiety

You can seek professional information and advice from several sources:

your child's teacher at preschool or school, or a school counsellor

your child's GP or paediatrician, who will be able to refer you to an appropriate mental health practitioner

your local children's health or community health centre

a specialist anxiety clinic (present in most states)

your local mental health service.

If your child is aged 5-8 years, he can talk with a Kids Helpline counsellor by calling 1800 551 800, or using the Kids Helpline email counselling service or the Kids Helpline web counselling service.

Financial support for children with anxiety

Your child might be able to get Medicare rebates for up to 20 mental health service sessions from psychologists, social workers and occupational therapists each calendar year.

To get these rebates, your child will need a mental health care plan from a GP (this covers what services your child needs and the goals of the treatment), or a referral from a psychiatrist or paediatrician. It doesn't matter how old your child is.

Causes of anxiety in children

Some people are more likely to be anxious because anxiety runs in the family - just like eye colour, for example.

People can also learn to think and behave in an anxious way by watching others, or by going through scary experiences.

Certain things in a child's environment might also increase the child's chances of becoming anxious. For example, if a parent is overprotective of a shy child, it might help the child in the short term, but it can increase the child's anxiety overall.

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It's normal for children to show signs of anxiety, worries and fears sometimes. In most cases, anxiety in children and fears in childhood come and go and don't last long. In fact, different anxieties often develop at different stages. For example: Babies and toddlers often fear loud noises, heights, strangers and separation.