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“Soldier” by Trixie Mattel. I chose this song because it reminds me that toughness isn’t all about how powerful, feared, or controlling someone is. Instead, toughness is about how real, true, resilient, giving, and “human” someone can be- take your time, experience the world around you, and grow.

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"I Want To Break Free" by Queen. I chose this song because I associate it with struggling and hardships, yet finding the silver lining, growing, and becoming stronger. It’s about navigating the obstacles you face and embracing the many emotions you feel to become the best person you can be.

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Something that I say to myself when I struggle is that “it will pass.” It’s simple, but it can work for me in my practice. It reminds me that the pain, uncomfort, and dread I feel will eventually pass, it won’t stay forever. Of course there are many things that pop up in my mind during class, some way less productive than others, but this simple saying keeps me going.

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Something that resonated with me is the idea that “real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating spaces to take thoughtful action.” I really liked this quote as it reminded me to not ignore my feelings and emotions. Instead, use them and feel them fully to grow.

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A skill I’m learning in contemporary is to modify movement and take care of myself. I try to incorporate this in my daily tasks though, especially when things get difficult. It’s made me think about how I am allowed to take breaks, modify, adapt, and actually do things for me.

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I would say that this simple skill is probably something they do in their everyday life- taking breaks while studying for a stressful test, for example. However, I would teach them the importance of bringing this mindfulness into their daily tasks, and to acknowledge and recognize this practice for all of its worth. It’s helpful to remind yourself in difficult situations that self-care and modification are possibilities.

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Something that resonated with me is the importance of utilizing uncertainty and difficulty in order to move and grow in the right direction. I was stuck in a period of uncertainty and distress for so long that it seemed to become a part of me. However, as I'm on my path of healing, I'm realizing that I use those painful emotions and memories to guide myself today. I can make decisions out of a place of security, rather than fear and anger.

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I feel like I could see myself utilizing these steps when I'm preparing for an exam. I could set a goal of how long I study. I could define my expectations by telling myself that questions I get wrong simply inform me as to how I could study differently in the future. I can ease my stress by telling myself I'm prepared and ready, and I can prime my mind by trying to go into the exam with a more positive mindset.

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"‘Here’s what I’m capable of. Here’s what the race demands. I’m going to execute based on those two things.’ Those are the ones who consistently perform.”

This line stuck out to me as someone whose relationship with dance classes is changing and adapting. When I walk into class sometimes, I just have the mindset of "this is going to be really difficult to get through." However, this quote reminded me that there is such a better way to enter class and still be able to get something out of it. I can instead walk in with the feeling that what I bring in that day is okay, and is simply going to have to be the canvas I work with that day. I have been trying to implement this mindset in class and I am already starting to see how it impacts my movement and attitude. Even if I don't feel great or my mind/body simply doesn't feel like dancing that day, I can fall on to the idea that it's okay to feel those feelings and work with what I have.

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1. Insecurities: It gives me a critical eye and a detail-oriented mindset

2. Back pain: It gives me the ability to adapt in uncertain situations

3. Fear of injury: It gives me a sense of caution and a special awareness of my body

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1. Perfectionism: It gives me drive and passion

2. Self-critical: It helps me notice areas of which I could improve

3. Habitual negative self-talk: It gives me a true ability to acknowledge my mistakes

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My technique: When I'm mentally fatigued and exhausted in dance, I can always remember that I have a strong technical foundation to trust and allow my body to follow.

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Something that resonates with me is the idea of “setting my own standards” as it is something I have watched myself do over the past semester. I entered college with a new mindset that continued to grow and grow. I realized that “I am who I am” and that’s okay (totally rocking the “i don’t give a f*ck” mindset now). I have watched myself flourish after the past few months and enter a mindset of true confidence.

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Okay this is going to be a little strange, so hear me out.

This song has some pretty satirical ways of displaying confidence. However… are they really satirical? I say this because I used to think the lyrics were of course joking about confidence, but this past semester has shown me that it’s honestly not that far off. Drag in general even, is an artform all about confidence! I’ve started to accept many parts of myself and I’ve found a brand new confidence that I have never had before. In that way, I really resonated with Magness’s writing.

P.S. Some of the lyrics I’m referencing:

“Who's that b*tch that's on the top? Oh, wait, that's me!”

“Killin' b*tches so hard need a pink hearse. I ain't sayin' I'm the best, but I ain't the worst”

“You see me shinin' I'm tryin' to take this primetime. I see you whinin' and cryin'; take that to Lifetime”

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Read U Wrote U (Ellis Miah Mix) [feat. The Cast of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, Season 2]

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Read U Wrote U (Ellis Miah Mix) [feat. The Cast of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, Season 2]

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My boyfriend’s Grandad is a role model for me. He truly built his view of the perfect life for himself, and does everything he’s passionate about.

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The idea of learned helplessness is quite familiar to me, both personally and because it’s something I learned recently in my psychology class. All of high school, I felt like all of the pain and suffering I was experiencing was out of my control, and in many ways it was- people were going to consciously treat me the way they were and I just had to sit and take it. It didn’t matter what I tried to do to get out because my suffering was simply inevitable.

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Since college has started I have been trying to regain control over my life, my body, and my brain. It hasn’t been easy at all. I mean it’s only been 6 months since the first semester started and I’m a brand new person entirely. Yes, this “brand new me” is my true self, but after being stuck in sadness for so long and repressing everything in me, I have had to give myself a whole lot of grace. I’m working through a genuine identity crisis not only with myself, but with dance. I have had to learn how to give myself the power of choice, despite that sounding so simple from an outside perspective.

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I immediately thought of our movement exploration in contemporary and how we got to choose a focus to dive further into and improv in. These moments are always my favorite as the “safe freedom” is so fun to be in. We have a specific set of tools to tap in to, but we get to choose how we explore and transform within it.

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Anxiety

It feels like immense pressure and tension, like being in a hydraulic press

This stress reaction is something I've been learning about in psychology, like when you start to feel anxious your heart starts to beat rapidly. It's the body/brain's way of preparing you for a stressful event, but of course it's still uncomfortable. I can remind myself that the discomfort will pass and it's just my body/brain's way of trying to keep me safe.

Dread

It makes me feel like I'm sinking, like there is a pit in my stomach that just get's emptier and emptier until it caves in

I can acknowledge the physical sensations I'm feeling and remind myself that the physical/emotional sensations are distinct and separated. I can take care of myself mentally AND physically, rather than combining the two and trying to brush it off under the rug.

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This chapter just reminded me of this song and feeling so full of emotion that it makes you sick.

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I resonated with the very last paragraph of the chapter, about distinguishing the difference between a feeling being permanent vs a feeling being an alert/nudge (the latter being the most beneficial mindset). I used to see my feelings as something that was stuck with me. It didn't matter what I did to get out of my darkness because there was always going to be poison inside of me to bring me down time and time again. However, I'm starting to view my feelings in a healthier way and I want to see them simply as a brain/body messenger or little nudge that allows me to check-in with myself.

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I feel like I notice the "helpless child" come out when I mess up in front of people. As my mistakes start to pile on top of each other and snowball, I can get frustrated, angry, and upset with myself. I start to meltdown for a little bit and I find myself saying that I've completely embarrassed myself.

I feel like the "calm optimist" could remind me to breathe and tell me that my feelings are temporary and will pass eventually. On the other hand, I feel like the "proud rival" would tell me to get up, get over it, and get it done because it's just what I have to do. It's not exactly comforting, but it is what has to be heard in my opinion.

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I tried it and I didn't like the experience at all. I noticed how this could work for people, but I felt so disconnected from it and it didn't feel like me at all. I'm connected with myself and I'm in tune with my brain (if that makes sense) and it works for me, and it feels pretty uncomfortable to give that intrapersonality up.

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I feel like my self-talk style has changed over the years in a way? My self-talk used to be all negative, so in that way it probably wasn't the most effective thing but I mean hey, what can you do when all that's being thrown at you is negativity from other people. After escaping that though, I think my self-talk is just blunt and real, with more positives than negatives (which is the perfect combination for my blunt and direct self)!

Here are some examples of the things I tell myself now which do in fact work for me!

"dude even if you don't want to do it, at least just get through it and eat it up"

"get over yourself it was never that serious"

"yeah you ate that up and got through it!"

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I see the warmth and hear the rain, I see the lightning and hear the thunder rattle and boom. I picture relaxing on my big bean bag with blankets and snacks and yummy things. I imagine my nighttime routine and watching my favorite shows and going to sleep and taking long naps.

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I liked the paragraph about our brains being pattern-recognizing and I resonated with that section. It's interesting to see and remember the interconnected systems of the brain and body, and to know that my sensations are vital to me. I guess I liked this chapter in some ways, but a lot of the language and really a huge portion of it was just not a good read, and I want to be honest about that.

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Visual zooming - I have to do this on a daily basis as someone that sees the world in a detailed POV to keep myself from being overwhelmed, but it's interesting to try this as something to do on purpose rather than how it just happens to me naturally when I'm distressed. It's nice to see everything as just a big blur. It reminds me of how I love to sit in a super tall building and just look out the window and see everything so small (and literally a little blurry because I'm near-sighted). The roads are so chaotic and scary when you are on them but look like moving toys from far away.

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I definitely resonated with how performing is like a drug and is almost addicting, and to try to get in that flow more often. I literally love performing and getting into that headspace with the flip of a switch, it's so fun to see everything fall into place and perform for people. I wanna continue doing that in class even if it's just a class combo. Yes I have performed and flipped that switch in class all my life, but now I'm starting to see real confidence grow and come with it too.

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I spoke with Ryan, my little "brother" family-friend who is in 9th grade! I decided to ask him about his experiences with team-work and belonging.

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K: Can you tell me about a time when you felt really connected to a team that made you feel like you belong?

R: I'd say orchestra. It's a yearly goal that we all do our best to try and get all 1s at UIL, and we accomplished that together.

K: You guys as a team leaned on each other and all of that?

R: Of course! We listen to each other to match pitches, we look to each other to match bow timing, and basically trying to be as unified as possible while still sounding musical.

K: How did you feel when you accomplished all of those things?

R: I felt, like ineffable.

K: Oh period, do you use that good feeling to motivate what you do?

R: Yes, yes, yes, absolutely when I'm practicing for absolutely anything whether it is for solos, ensembles, concerts, or auditions.

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I thought it was interesting to discuss this stuff with someone who hasn't read the book, he's doing such great things! I'm really glad that he's been able to find these relationships and make goals within the arts. It's really important to see how accomplishing these things as a team can motivate you to do better, even if it's stuff that doesn't include other people. He found joy and success in teamwork and he's bringing it to everything he does.

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I mean the biggest takeaway was kind of just the entire anecdote about OCD and seeing how I've related to the author's experiences. It's interesting to see how other people manage or just try to take control of their OCD, but also intertwine it with "toughness". I'm also rethinking over the chapters we read previously now knowing that we share that in common, but it hasn't really changed much for me.

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I've been working on the healing, growth, self-talk type of things that were mentioned towards the beginning of the semester/early book. Giving my own self space and time has been beneficial for my new mentality in this difficult year. Honestly love that my kinda harsh self-talk strategy (that actually helps) was validated. Sometimes it takes a straight up mindset to get through things, don't sugarcoat it and just do it. It's something I've been applying to dance recently that has actually worked, so I hope to keep doing that even outside of dance.

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I know I'll remember the true meaning of toughness and strength. It's not the outward presentation, it's the internal growth and development. This mindset that we've been trying to grow and maintain throughout the semester is something I hope to keep as I continue to work and heal through difficult times.