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Despite being encouraged to let me "cry it out" at bedtime, my mother, with her bleeding heart, would respond to my crying and console me every night. I was consistently cared for, fed, clothed, and played with. I had both of my parents and was the only child. We lived with my mom's parents for the first three years of my life. I didn't go a moment without someone's full attention. In this stage, an infant learns whether to be trusting- or learns to mistrust.

"If trust predominates, as it should, children develop hope: the belief they can fulfill their needs and obtain their desires" (Martorell, 2023, p.150).

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"Because unlimited freedom is neither safe nor healthy, said Erikson, shame and doubt also have a necessary place. Toddlers need adults to set appropriate limits, and shame and doubt help them recognize the need for those limits" (Martorell, 2023, p. 157).

Still an only child, my parents ventured out of my maternal grandparents' home into a few different rented homes over the next three years. They had to work hard to support our lives, and there were times they may have been too tired to be patient when I made mistakes or accidents occurred. My father does have anger issues, and yelling was pretty frequent. But by and large, I felt confident in myself, and don't recall many moments of unnecessary doubt or shame, outside of discipline to keep me safe.

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"This conflict marks a split between two parts of the personality: the part that remains a child, full of exuberance and a desire to test new powers, and the part that is becoming an adult, constantly examining the propriety of motives and actions. Children who learn how to regulate these opposing drives develop the virtue of purpose, the courage to envision and pursue goals without being unduly inhibited by guilt or fear of punishment" (Martorell, 2023, p. 210).

When I was age 4, I became an older sibling to my little sister, Katherine. Excited to be supportive of my parents, I was a very hands-on "helper". I remember spoon-feeding her baby food and helping with diaper changes. But I also remember jealousy and frustration. One of my earliest, clearest memories is of me biting her fingers when she wouldn't stop crying in the room we shared before my mother could awake from her sleep to soothe her. I still feel guilty about that to this day. Mostly, I still had plenty of encouragement and attention. Though, between work and two children, my parents were frequently exhausted and sometimes short-tempered.

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At seven, my third and final sibling entered the picture- my brother, Harrison. My responsibilities sky-rocketed, as my parents were spread thin and working constantly. I was taught to cook boxed meals for 5 people by the time I was ten. My parents had to move us out of our quiet development and good school system when they had to file for bankruptcy around 2002. We relocated from Wanamaker to Martinsville, where the schools were much smaller and not as enriching. I went from being in gifted programs to struggling with most subjects. Making friends was hard. I remember feeling very small, scared, and incapable during this time.

"If children are unable to obtain the praise of others or lack motivation and self-esteem, they may develop a feeling of low self-worth and thus develop a sense of inferiority. This is problematic because during middle childhood, children must learn skills valued in their society" (Martorell, 2023, p. 276).

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Stage 5: Identity vs. Identity Confusion

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Stage 5: Identity vs. Identity Confusion

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This period of my life was rife with struggle. My home life was difficult and tense because of my parents' undiagnosed mental illnesses going untreated, I'd experienced at least 9 major moves across the state of Indiana, and I'd developed a drinking problem by the time I was 17. I also had my own undiagnosed illnesses going without treatment (Bipolar Type 1 and ADHD). I needed help I never received during high school, and I barely graduated. Soon after I graduated, I entered an abusive relationship I would not escape from for half a decade. At 24, I had a child with my abuser. I was able to leave as a single mother a year later, at 25. I didn't experience a lot of support, peace, or rest during this stage, and forming an identity not related to struggle or alcohol was essentially impossible.

"The effort to make sense of the self is part of a healthy process that builds on the achievements of earlier stages—on trust, autonomy, initiative, and industry—and lays the groundwork for coping with the challenges of adult life" (Mortorell

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I am currently in this stage. After being in a series of unsuccessful, toxic relationships, I've decided to focus on my career and education instead of pursuing romance. I would like to establish myself emotionally and financially before committing to another person. While I am romantically uninvolved, I have many close friendships that are very rewarding and fulfilling. I've been sober for almost 200 days, I'm in excellent dialectal behavioral therapy and have found a medicine regimen that works wonders in keeping me healthy and stable. I'm successfully parenting my child on my own, with some help from my family. While I pine over an ideal relationship every so often, it is not my current focus.

"Person seeks to make commitments to others or may suffer from isolation and self-absorption" (Martorell, 2023, p. 11).

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"Mature adult is concerned with establishing and guiding the next generation or else feel personal impoverishment" (Martorell, 2023, p. 11).

Raising my son into a healthy, respectful person is my main priority, but I have plenty of other goals as well. I hope by focusing on my career, I can either become a successful teacher or a school counselor. If that doesn't pan out, I'd like to continue working for nonprofits like Second Harvest and address community issues like food insecurity. Additionally, another goal is to have fostered enough friendships and family ties that I live a full life with plenty of meaningful moments and connections.

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I have an amazing role model in my grandmother. She worked hard to raise and support her family, nurtured a healthy marriage with her husband, and worked hard for financial and home security. As I help her transition into her final days, there has only been one moment so far where she gripped my hands and fretted over "wasted time". I so deeply hope that I make the most of each stage and crisis of my life from here on out, that I live my life to the fullest and contribute back to the communities that have shaped me. I want to be able to look back and be accountable for how I chose to invest my time, energy, and care. I want to rest peacefully during this stage, knowing I have an amazing family and set of companions. I hope that I take good care of my body, mind, and spirit so that I can enjoy this stage to the best of my ability. If I'm fortunate enough to see this last crisis, I hope it treats me kindly.

"Elderly person achieves acceptance of own life, allowing acceptance of death, or else despairs over inability to relive life" (Martorell, 2023, p. 11).

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Martorell, G. (2023). Child, 3rd edition. McGraw Hill