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I've had pretty exhausting and the most overwhelming past few weeks of my life so far. Especially last week. So this week I am trying to manage my time properly and to prioritize my priorities thus today I woke up looking forward to another week which I am going to make full use of. Despite missing my alarm this morning and being slightly late to class,  I had a good class with my Anatomy and Physiology lecturer, Mr. Eric on Reproductive System. It wasn't one of those boring lectures where he would just ramble for hours,  it was more of a Q&A session where he made us ask questions on how the female and male reproductive system work to clear a lot of things up for our clouded teenage minds.

Afterwards, I had an English lesson with Madam Hafiza. I think the highlight of my day was when she sat beside me and started a conversation with me. I don't recall how the conversation started but as the conversation grew, I started realising that we both were opening up to each other about our struggles. And there I was, being in complete awe of what was happening because I couldn't believe that I was telling her all of these things as I don't talk to her personally in class much. She mentioned at one point how she can't read me in class so when she finally read my posts, only then she understands that these things happen. And I was so touched how she somehow understands the struggles that I go through because she's been through similar situations as mine. I was tocuhed how she cared to know about me. Thank you, Madam, for brightening up my day by the littlest of gestures. And thank you for listening to my stories in the middle of conducting a class. I appreciate you for taking the time to talk about some things so important to me, and I guess to you as well.
After class ended, I went to have lunch at my usual favorite butter chicken place, at Shaftsbury Square. With 6 of my friends. You see when we're only given an hour of lunch break, we don't gotta waste it because we were 20 minutes late to class. But it was all good because class started 10 minutes after we entered. We had almost 2 hours of Physics which I could barely understand because the chapter was boring me. At 4:11 p.m. me and my friend, Fea, headed to Maybank to settle some things but before that we went to McDonald's to eat early dinner. And we had a good talk.
We booked an Uber at 6 ish and reached our hostel around less than 10 minutes. That is basically what today consisted of. Overall it was good because I managed not to sleep in the evening. And here I am typing all these words down right this second.
Oh and by the way it's the last week of blogging before we have our presentation next week. You've been good to me, Padlet. Thank you for being a virtual listener for the past one month.

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12/03/2018

Thirteen Ways of Looking at an Anxiety Disorder
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/535g83/thirteen-ways-of-looking-at-an-anxiety-disorder

I personally think this is a great article because one, I admire how the blogger writes. She doesn't suger coat anything and two, I can almost relate to all her point of views because she puts my thoughts into words which sometimes I am unable to do.

I realized I had an anxiety disorder when years ago, I encountered a wave of angst rushing through me out of the blue when I was in the car with my whole family and I ended up crying uncontrollably to the extent my father had to stop the car to calm me down.
Gradually, growing up, I started to notice that the anxiety comes and goes. On certain days, I would feel anxious for nothing. My heart would beat so fast, my heart would feel as if it is going to collapse and my breathing would be uneven. Slowly, I tried to accept it but I don't tend to find solutions on how to completely stop it. I don't mind living with anxiety for now because it helps me to learn about myself. It enables me to be accepting of my inner flaws and that having any type of mental disorder is fine as long as know how to manage it. I still get anxious every now and then. But it peaks when I have my breakdowns. I would cry and cry and cry and that is when it hits me hard. So I tend to cry even more so I end up being a huge ball of weeping mess on my bed.
At the end of the day, I will always manage. You fall 7 times and you get back 8. That is basically what life is all about. To keep pushing through.

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12/03/18

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an, 2:286).

This ayat comforts me when I feel like I can't bear all the tests being tested upon me. When on certain days, I feel like I won't make it through that certain week.  I admit that I am not religious, but through this quote, I do believe that we are only tested to the extent of our utmost capabilities. That how badly hurt we are by the tests we're put through, maybe this is the most that we can handle so He doesn't give us a harder test. I believe that even though the trials we are put through are cumbersome, it will not end you, that although times might be tough, we are tougher and whatever comes my way will eventually pass. We shall take every life situation as lessons in life. I believe that life is the biggest lesson.
So when you go through a difficult situation, be it the inevitable death of a loved one or the loss of a job or failing a subject, take a deep breath and tell ourselves that nothing shall ever happen to us except what God has ordained for us…

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16/2/18
I guess one thing I've been trying to accept just a few moments ago is the fact that people will always disappoint me somehow.
I'm not saying people choose to disappoint me but it tends to happen even without them realizing they're disappointing me.
I'm the kind of person who tries not to disappoint people as much as I can but that doesn't necessarily mean I've never disappointed a group friends before because indeed, I have. I had my moments too. I'm not being a hypocrite here, just wanna let this out of my chest. Just trying to analyse some things in life that are inevitable, which one of them is disappointment. It's getting so heavy. I know myself well enough to always try my absolute best to attend to them whenever they need my company to a nearby mamak or simply a shoulder to cry on. But I barely get the same energy in return.
I don't know why I feel so low about all of this. It somehow demotivates me.I don't know if it's because recently a friend simply couldn't accompany me buy my cat's food or whatever. See, little things like this matter to me. It affects me in a way sometimes.
I have a close friend of mine which I've know since primary school. She's always been around throughout my primary and secondary school years. I love her. We have the same name. We share a lot of things together, a lot of stories, a lot of secrets too. She always comes running to me whenever she needs to vent about anything at all. She would call me at 3 in the morning and I would pick up her call and just be there for her, I would tell her things that she needed to hear. But sometimes when I run to her to vent about something only I think she deserves to know, I noticed that she doesn't give out the same energy in listening to me. It gets to me but I try not to think about it. But it's okay, life doesn't always go the way we want. It's a matter of how we adapt to these little things and learn from them.

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1/3/2018

I used to not believe in the term 'waking up on the wrong side of the bed' but today did not go really well for me so I guess I woke up on that side of the bed. I don't blame anyone because I had a bad sleep last night. It was hot, I was sweating, mosquitoes would not stop ruining my skin and I missed my alarm. Was 40 minutes late to my first class. So yes, I had quite a rough start for today. Rushed like a mad woman because I did not want to disappoint my lecturer. Did not even manage to iron my clothes. If my mother knew this, she would have lectured me on how wearing un-ironed clothes would get you nowhere in life. I'm sorry, Mom.

On top of that, I've been suffering from a sore throat these past few days and today my throat really threw me off.  I don't like complaining because the more I do, the more negativity I get, I don't need that energy but really, out of all days, I felt so much negativity around me today.  But there's always the good in the bad and the good thing about today was finding out my blood type during Anatomy and Physiology lab class.  We had to prick our finger with a specific tool and mix the blood with Anti- A, B and D. Then, we had to check each blood patch for lumps. If blood cells stick together, it means the blood reacted with one of the antibodies. Let's say if the Anti-A blood patch clumps, that means your blood is type A. And mine is O positive.
Well, that's something, right?
After lab class, me and my two friends had some drinks at a mamak and roti canai to end our day near our hostel before parting our ways as it started to rain.
I reached my room and took a 30-minute nap before waking up and decided that I wanted to write about today as it's the first day of March.
I learned to not be petty whenever I get irritated or annoyed because it's only going to make things worse. I just gotta do what I gotta do and make lemonades when life throws me lemons.

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Date: 19/2/18
This is such a trick question to begin with. It's either asking me what I WANT in 5 years or to PREDICT what will happen. In 5 years, I'll be 23. I'd have my Bachelor's Degree by then. Honestly, I'm not the type who actually lays out a solid plan for her future. I can genuinely say if I was asked this question during an interview, I would fail. I'm still so clueless about a lot of things in life, I'm constantly learning, making my way in this life. We can only plan, but God is the one who decides. But if I was given no choice but to PLAN where I'd want to be and what I'd want to do, with the pace I am right now, I'd say hopefully a least securing a job and being able to finance myself. I will be majoring in Psychology so probably I'd be working in that field. My friend has once talked about opening up a cafe with me, not to be negative but I doubt that'll happen in the span of 5 years. Give me 10 years and I'd say it it more likely possible. Other than that, there isn't really any actual plans. I am a person who goes with the flow, because we might plan things but life does't always go our way right?

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I hate you so much. I hate the fact that you left and wanted me back. I hate the fact that you make me so clueless of how I feel for you. I hate how you’re the only one I see my future with. I hate how you make me come running back to you every time we fall apart. I hate how you’re always so right about everything. I hate how you don’t let me fall for anyone else just because you know I can’t do that. I hate you for making me miss you even when I try not to. I hate how you’re the loudest thought on my mind. I hate you for breaking our promises. Maybe I don’t hate you completely, Maybe I don’t hate you at all. I can’t bring myself to hate you, Mal. I say I hate you for all these things just to feed my ego. You were the best thing I’ve ever had. It hurts. But maybe it hurts even more for you. And I’m sorry.Sorry we didn’t work out. Sorry for being sorry again because I know how much you hate my apologies.

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Dated: 13th of February // 2018

Do you guys know the feeling when you vomit every bit of your meal earlier and regret the thing you did which leads to you being so wasted? You just sit there puking all the chyme in your stomach and in those few seconds you tell yourself that you're never ever going to do that specific thing again? You're embarrassed of yourself. A wave of disappointment just run through you. You start to question yourself why you're even in this position in the first place. That's what happened to me last night. I might've crossed the line and took a little bit more than what I was allowed to take, I'd take that. It was completely my fault. I'll learn from it. I always do.
But overall last night was fun. It really was. It's the thrill of sitting down with those people and listening to their ridiculous stories. It's the feeling when you laugh too hard your stomach hurts. It's how every story becomes 10 times funnier when you're in that condition.
I appreciate people a lot more now. I see through them. I hear their stories and I learn. I sit with them and I let them fill me in with tales I can never get from movies. These are real life stories. And these stories matter. And last night was one of the stories I would tell people to fill them in.

Adriana
xoxo

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for those having troubles with letting things go.

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Entry dated : 12/2/2018
So, as you can already tell, my name is Adriana. My family calls me Adri, my high school friends call me Adriana, some of my college friends call me Ad, some prefer calling me by the name Huda, one significant person calls me Riana. I have a lot of nicknames haha. Anyway, I am turning 19 this upcoming March. I am of Malay descent with a tiny bit of Pakistani blood in me which comes from my late grandfather because he was a Khan as well as Bugis blood from my grandmother. I was born and raised in Ampang, Selangor. My first ever experience of being in school was in Tadika Qasrina, near my old house. Then, I went to primary school at SK Seri Bintang Utara in Cheras and moved to the high school next to it, SMK Seri Bintang Utara. I have 3 siblings (originally) including myself, all girls! My elder sister is 22 years old this year, currently doing her internship in Kuala Lumpur whereas my younger sister is a year younger than I am. She just finished SPM and just gotten out of high school. I basically have been living in Kuala Lumpur throughout my 17 years of living until December of 2016. Okay, I'll save that for later. I have divorced parents and I've been living with my mother ever since. My mother works from home with my stepdad. She's basically like a part-time housewife, part-time businesswoman. But to me, she's a superwoman.
I have been blessed with a baby brother from my mother in April of 2016. That was one of the biggest turning points in my life because me and my sisters have been wanting a boy in the family. And our wish finally came true. It felt like a dream. I have a little sister too, from another mother. She's 7 this year, getting into her first year of primary school. My dad currently lives in Ampang with his little family. He runs a carwash place somewhere in Kampung Baru. I don't see him a lot, because we're far and he is always, you know, busy. But we do keep in touch here and there. It's all good.

What else? Uhh, I currently study at Cyberjaya University College of Medical Sciences.  Finishing a program in Foundation in Allied Science leading to Bachelor in Psychology. Oh, yeah, about December of 2016, my mother and my step dad made a careful huge decision to move all the way from Ampang to Cyberjaya. It was a shock for me and my sisters because Ampang has been our homeground ever since we were born. We were not really keen on moving but I guess change is good. I've made a lot of friends coming here, that's one of the best parts. The environment here has been the exact opposite of Ampang's crazy traffic. It's so quiet here, I love how Cyberjaya has a lot of good food. You just gotta explore around and look for 'em. It's so clean here. But one thing about Cyberjaya is that there are always roadblocks here and there. I think I am babbling so much. I'll end my entry here before it gets too much to read. until then.

Adriana
xoxo

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Entry: 12/2/2018
Done at 2.17 p.m.

You know that feeling when you wake up without the alarm ringing loud into your ears, without any worries of having to get ready for anything, no classes, no nothing. Not even your mother screaming her lungs out to wake you up. And you take a few seconds in your bed to process that. To process the comfort in not being bounded by any mere responsibility for a moment. Looking around your bedroom, everything sits just still there.  And in a slight second you thank God for letting you be alive another day.  That was how the start of today was for me.

As per usual, one of the first few things I do once I wake up every morning is checking my phone. And so I did. Don't most people do that? I used to think it is a very unhealthy habit of mine (and everyone else's) but I mean, come on, hand phones are basically like our partner, our portable partner. It's everything simplified into one technology which makes  everything easy for us. Isn't it powerful? Technology is indeed powerful. Anyway, I received a few texts from my friends earlier in the morning checking if I've woken up. He wanted me to accompany him for breakfast but sadly I was too late for that. Felt super bad though but at least I promised him I would accompany him next time. So it's all good.
Then I got out of my bed and made my way downstairs. Had breakfast and helped my mother with a lil' something for my upcoming job. (Stay tuned for that!). Showered and felt like singing so I went on YouTube and sang my ass off with my sister. It was a good session.. Today is basically tedious. No plans whatsoever. Oh, and one more thing, I'm actually on my holiday or more like a study week before we have our Midterms. Wow, time flies pretty fast. I feel like it's only been 2 weeks in this last semester but I'm already almost halfway. Woah.

Alright, that's all for now. Gotta get back on my studies. Can't screw up this semester. Until then.

Adriana
xoxo