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Subtopic 1: How could living your life under the same roof as a person with special needs affect your own life? 

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Subtopic 1: How could living your life under the same roof as a person with special needs affect your own life? 

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We'll Paint the Octopus Red is a story about a girl who is about to become a big sister and is talking about everything she is going to do with her new brother. When her brother is born with Down Syndrome, she worries he will not be able to do the list of things she had planned, but he was able to do every one of them.

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As six-year-old Emma anticipates the birth of her new baby brother or sister, she vividly imagines all of the things they can do together. They'll go to Grandpa's...

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Subtopic 2: How can the attitude of people with special needs benefit them?

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Subtopic 2: How can the attitude of people with special needs benefit them?

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Thank you, Mr. Falker is a story about a girl who loves reading until she begins school and realizes she is not smart. It isn't until she meets Mr. Falker that they discover she has dyslexia and her love for learning re-evolves.

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Patricia Polacco is now one of America's most loved children's book writers and illustrators, but once upon a time, she was a little girl named Trisha starting...

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Subtopic 3: How can we learn from, befriend, and celebrate people with special needs? 

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Subtopic 3: How can we learn from, befriend, and celebrate people with special needs? 

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My Three Best Friends and Me, Zulay is the story about a little girl who is blind, but has three girls that are unstoppable together. They all help each other and are the same little girls with the same interests despite their differences.

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Zulay and her three best friends are all in the same first grade class and study the same things, even though Zulay is blind. When their teacher asks her students...

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Subtopic 4: How can we celebrate our differences and understand being unique is what makes us special? 

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Subtopic 4: How can we celebrate our differences and understand being unique is what makes us special? 

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Isaac and His Amazing Asperger Superpowers! is the story about Isaac who has Asperger Syndrome and considers this his superpower. All the unique qualities make him special and he celebrates this in a superhuman way.

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Isaac and His Amazing Asperger Superpowers!

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The Hardcover of the Isaac and His Amazing Asperger Superpowers! by Melanie Walsh at Barnes & Noble. FREE Shipping on $25 or more!

# data[].attributes.body
Just because is the story about a boy who unconditionally loves his sister. He talks about everything they do together. It isn't until later we figure out his sister, Cammie has special needs.

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Amusing and often touching, this story encompasses the issue of disability in a charming celebration of sibling friendship to which all children can...

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Back to Front and Upside Down  is the story of pigs in school. One pig is struggling to write Happy Birthday on a card to the principal but is scared to ask the teacher for help because he doesn't want anyone to make fun of him. He expresses his feelings to a friend who encourages him to ask for help and when he did another little pig needed help as well. These pigs practiced their writing until they could do it all by themselves.

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It's the principal Mr. Slipper's birthday, and while the rest of the class gets busy writing cards for the occasion, Stan becomes frustrated when his letters...

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Keep Your Ear on the Ball is the story about Davey who is blind and entering a new school. Everyone is trying to help him and his response is the same, "Thanks, but no thanks." When he attempts to play kickball he struggles until his new friend asks their classmates to be quiet and let Davey hear the ball bouncing.

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Moonbeam Award *Even though Davey is blind, he is quite capable—until he tries to play kickball.After several missed kicks and a trampled base keeper, no one...

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Different Just Like Me is the story about a little girl who is traveling to her grandmas and notices a lot of different type of people with and without disabilities. She realizes that all of these people are are different then her, and yet have very similar qualities and interests that make them just like her.

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Young April is excited about visiting Grammie, but she has a whole week before she can go. The week goes by quickly, however, as April encounters new and diverse...

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Ian's Walk: A Story about Autism is the story about Ian, who has Autism, and his sister going to the park. On the way to the park Ian's sister is embarrassed by Ian. It isn't until he gets lost at the park that she learns to love Ian for who he is and celebrates his differences on the walk back home.

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Dolly Gray Children's Literature Award2002 Children's Crown Gallery Award Master ListPick of the Lists, American BooksellerOutstanding Books for Young People with Disabilities 1999, IBBY

Julie can't wait to go to the park, But she's not sure she wants to take her little brother, Ian, who has autism.

Julie can't wait to go to the park and feed the ducks with her big sister, Tara. There's only one problem. Her little brother, Ian, who has autism, wants to go, too. Ian doesn't have the same reactions to all the sights and sounds that his sisters have, and Julie thinks he looks silly. But when he wanders off on his own, she must try to see the world through his eyes in order to find him.

Product Details

ISBN-13:

9780807534816

Publisher:

Whitman, Albert & Company

Publication date:

01/01/1998

Edition description:

Reprint

Pages:

32

Sales rank:

269,477

Product dimensions:

8.00(w) x 10.00(h) x 0.20(d)

Lexile:

520L ( what's this?)

Age Range:

4 - 8 Years

About the Author

Laurie Lears lives on a small farm in Pennsylvania with her husband, three dogs, and three cats. She teaches kindergarten and has two grown daughters and a granddaughter. She has written several books for children.

Editorial Reviews

Dolly Gray Children's Literature Award 2002 Children's Crown Gallery Award Master List Pick of the Lists, American Bookseller Outstanding Books for Young People with Disabilities 1999, IBBY

"So genuine are the paintings of narrator Julie, her big sister, Tara, and her younger autistic brother, Ian, that the three children look as though they will continue walking, tying a shoe, or feeding the ducks just as soon as the page is turned...Through its simple plot, the story conveys a complex family relationship and demonstrates the ambivalent emotions Julie feels about her autistic brother."- Booklist

"This is not so much a story about Ian's autism as it is a subtle portrait of how his autism affects his older sister, Julie...Without shying away from autism, the text and illustrations underplay it to create an ordinary, everyday scenario in which Julie's reactions could be those of any impatient older sibling. This unsensationalized tone is maintained to the end when Julie realizes that she appreciates Ian not so much for his differences, but simply for who he is." -The Horn Book

From the Publisher

Delia loves Double Dutch

DEM BONES GONNA RISE AGAIN

#1 New York Times Bestseller

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Ian's Walk: A Story about Autism|Paperback

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Dolly Gray Children's Literature Award2002 Children's Crown Gallery Award Master ListPick of the Lists, American BooksellerOutstanding Books for Young People with Disabilities 1999, IBBYJulie can't wait to go to the park, But she's not sure she wants to take her little...

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The Hardcover of the Different Like Me: My Book of Autism Heroes by Jennifer Elder, Marc Thomas | at Barnes & Noble. FREE Shipping on $25 or more!

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The Paperback of the Sensory Like You by Rachel S. Schneider, Kelly Dillon | at Barnes & Noble. FREE Shipping on $25 or more!

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NEAL CONAN, HOST:

This is TALK OF THE NATION. I'm Neal Conan in Washington. Anyone with brothers or sisters knows about the teasing, the fights and the betrayals that can come along with solidarity and the love. But all of that changes when one sibling has an intellectual disability like Down's syndrome or autism.

A lot of emphasis is often placed on the child with special needs while their brothers and sisters can feel left out, guilty, resentful, responsible and embarrassed. Of course, the sibling's relationship can last a lifetime.

Tell us your story. If you have a sibling with an intellectual disability, our phone number is 800-989-8255. Email talk@npr.org. You can also join the conversation on our website. That's at npr.org. Click on TALK OF THE NATION. Later in the program, we'll play back excerpts from foreign policy speeches today by President Obama and Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

But first, siblings and intellectual disability. Dr. Ranit Mishori is a family practitioner here in Washington. She's also on the faculty at Georgetown University School of Medicine and joins us here in Studio 3A. Nice to have you back on TALK OF THE NATION.

DR. RANIT MISHORI: Thank you, Neal, thanks for having me.

CONAN: And I know this is not just a professional story, this is a personal story for you.

MISHORI: It is a personal story that took me many years to tell and not always a comfortable situation to be in to have to talk about that.

CONAN: What was it like being a big sister to your brother?

MISHORI: Well, it wasn't easy, and that's why I wanted to write the story that I published in the Washington Post a few weeks ago because it's not something we talk about. It's not so nice to talk about resentment and anger and shame and embarrassment. It's better to say oh, this was an amazing experience, I really helped a lot, or having a brother or sister with a disability helped me see the light or see things differently.

But really when I talk to other siblings, it really wasn't so great most of the time.

CONAN: There was one episode in particular that you had a hard time fessing up to.

MISHORI: Yes, it was - I was a teenager. I was probably about 16 or 17. And I was going on a date with a guy I really liked. And he was picking me up from home. And I did not want him to see my brother, I have a younger brother with autism, and I locked up - I locked my brother up in a room so nobody could see him.

And I'm very embarrassed to say that, and I'm sure I'll be judged harshly by some of the listeners, but that's the reality. I was just not ready to say that my brother is not me.

CONAN: And those range of emotions, the feeling resentful and then feeling guilty about feeling resentful, feeling responsible and then maybe overcompensating when you're being responsible and resentful for being - this goes back and forth.

MISHORI: Right, right, it's a cycle, and you don't know when to be angry at your parents or when to be angry at your brother or sister and when to be angry at yourself. So it's sort of this thing that percolates, and it can percolate for years and years unless you either get some help or sit down and try to realize that, you know, there are worse things in life.

CONAN: And does it matter whether you're the older sibling or the younger sibling?

MISHORI: From some of the research that I've read, it does matter. In some cases, younger siblings don't know anything else. So this is the world they were born into. With older siblings, sometimes it's difficult, depending on the gap between the siblings. You - if you're an older sibling, you're used to being there, maybe alone with your parents, have all the attention, and then somebody else comes, and it usually is a crisis when any brother or sister come along...

CONAN: Sure, yeah.

MISHORI: But you can imagine if that brother or sister has a serious disability.

CONAN: Yeah, I can understand that. And has there been a lot of research on how this affects siblings?

MISHORI: No, I think most of the research is about the actual - the people who are affected by it directly, the siblings themselves, but not what people in the field want to call the typical siblings. So most of the studies are about the disabled ones. There are some studies, but it's hard to say. They are very different from one another. So there are no conclusive recommendations.

CONAN: And are there support systems? Did you talk with other kids who were in your same situation when you were growing up?

MISHORI: At the time no. I grew up in the '60s and early '70s. So there was nothing much there, not a lot of infrastructure. And I understand now there are sib groups and sib shops, and I know one of your guests is going to talk about that.

CONAN: And I was just about to introduce him, so - in a stylish segue. One way to help siblings of people with intellectual disabilities, connect them with other people in the situation, they can pick up important information and, well, express some of those feelings we're talking about. Don Meyer is the director of the Sibling Support Project, a national effort that does just that, among other things to help the millions of brothers and sisters with special health, mental health and developmental needs. He's with us from station, member station WKUOW in Seattle. Nice to have you with us today.

DON MEYER: It's great to be here, Neal.

CONAN: And you met one woman recently in South Carolina at one of your events who illustrates just how siblings can be affected in these cases.

MEYER: Oh yeah, this sister shared with an audience that her parents did not attend her high school graduation when, can you believe this, she was the valedictorian because they didn't feel like they could leave her brother with other - anybody else.

And so I'm forever begging parents to get some good respite for their children who have special needs so they can spend one-one-one with their typically developing kids.

CONAN: And so it's - that's - you know that they have to make that decision, yet you can't help but feel angry about it.

MEYER: Oh yeah, yeah. Well, you know, there's a whole gamut of feelings that brothers and sisters have, and Ranit covered a lot of them, as did you. But either they're things like embarrassment and guilt and isolation and a need for information and resentment and pressure to achieve.

But, you know, the sibling relationship, forget disabilities for a moment, it's sort of the working definition of ambivalence. You know, siblings, you know, their relationship is characterized by hugging and slugging in the same 15-monute period. And when you add the dimension of the disability to it, it's like you've sprinkled monosodium glutamate on the relationship.

The highs are higher, and the lows are lower. On one hand you'll have a sibling who will ascribe the personal problems that they have in their life because they grew up with a brother or sister with a disability, but you're also more likely to have people who say, you know, my brother taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

So it's, you know, that same ambivalence is there, but again the highs are higher and the lows are lower.

CONAN: And Ranit Mishori, Dr. Mishori, you in your piece described a young woman who developed a tremendous sense of humor and patience because of her brother, the incident with the mop, I think.

MISHORI: Yes, I think you have to be patient with kids with disabilities, regardless of whether you're the parent or the sibling. I think humor is a very, very wonderful way of dealing with it because there are humorous moments. That's how some of the incidents in my family, how we dealt with it. So I think humor is a wonderful way.

But of course there are only certain points in time when you can use humor, and the other times it's not there. So it's a process. It's a long and complex process.

CONAN: We want to hear from those of you who grew up as the brother or sister of someone with an intellectual disability, give us a call, 800-989-8255. Email talk@npr.org. Our guests again are Dr. Ranit Mishori, who's a family physician here in Washington and an associate professor in the Department of Family Medicine at Georgetown University School of Medicine. She wrote a piece called "Autism Can Have Large Effects, Good and Bad, On a Disabled Child's Siblings," and she mentioned that was in the Washington Post.

Also with us, Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project, a national effort dedicated to the interests of over a million brothers and sisters of - excuse me, I lost that number, six million brothers and sisters of people with special health, mental health and developmental needs.

And let's see if we can get a caller on the line. This is Dan(ph), Dan's on the line with us from Lawrence, Kansas.

DAN: Hey, how are you doing? Thanks for having me.

CONAN: Good, go ahead, please.

DAN: Good. Well, my situation was different. When my sister was born, she was six weeks premature, and they put her into an oxygen tent and mixed the oxygen incorrectly, and so she became brain damaged from that event and had many developmental disabilities and problems in the rest of her life.

My situation with that was that my - I always then in my life had a concern about my parents having to deal with her and take care of her for the rest of their lives. And so just that was probably the biggest concern on my mind over the decades was what my parents were going to be going through at the twilight of their life.

CONAN: And was there a question in your mind what was going to happen after your parents died?

DAN: That also, yes, remained something that I had to think about a lot. And the mixed emotions of all of this is that when my sister turned 41, she came down with pancreatic cancer and passed away in a year. And so we had the four decades together, and all of my concerns for my parents and for the ongoing care went away at that point.

And so you have the sadness of the loss to the family, but there's also the relief, and the mixed emotions are really something.

CONAN: The relief and then the guilt over the relief and yeah, I can get that.

DAN: Exactly.

CONAN: I wonder, Don Meyer, we think about the growing-up situation, yes the date coming over, but it's often - it's also the situation of, well, decades later.

MEYER: Yeah, brothers and sisters are going to have the longest lasting relationship with that family member who has special needs. They will be in the lines of that person longer than any service provider will but even longer than parents. This is a relationship easily in excess of 65 years so that after the best special education program is a distant memory, and the parents are no longer around to look after their fears, it's going to be the brothers and sisters who will assure that that person with - the family member with a disability leads a dignified life, living and working in the community.

So there's a whole host of adult sibling issues. And I think parents are sometimes surprised to learn at what an early age brothers and sisters are thinking about life beyond mom and dad. And I often hear from kids who are, you know, 10, 11, 12 years old thinking about, you know, how they, in the days to come, they are going to assume a significant role in the lives of their brothers and sisters.

CONAN: Dr. Mishori, was this something you thought about?

MISHORI: Yes, certainly that's something that you start thinking about very early because, you know, you're going to be there, just like Don was saying, and as you grow older, and as your sibling grows older, it becomes more of a reality. And of course there are no easy solutions.

Talking about it as early as possible is one thing, and delineating exactly what roles are expected of you and what are some financial resources to take care of a sibling. These are all conversations that need to take place years and years before you're faced with the reality of it.

CONAN: And how's your brother doing?

MISHORI: He's in a home right now. Again, it's not easy. And I - this is something that definitely consumes me, thinking about what's going to happen. He's in his early 40s, and my parents are not getting any younger. So that's certainly something that weights in very heavily.

CONAN: Dan, thanks very much for the call.

DAN: Oh, thanks for having me.

CONAN: We're talking about siblings of those with intellectual disabilities, autism maybe or Down's syndrome. If you have a sibling with an intellectual disability, call and tell us your story, 800-989-8255. Email is talk@npr.org. You can also join the conversation on our website. Go to npr.org, and click on TALK OF THE NATION. I'm Neal Conan. Stay with us. It's the TALK OF THE NATION from NPR News.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

CONAN: This is TALK OF THE NATION from NPR News. I'm Neal Conan. We often hear about children with intellectual disabilities and the challenges they and their parents face. Less often do we hear about their brothers and sisters, siblings who face their own challenges and emotions and struggles growing up in the shadow of intellectual disability.

If you have a sibling with an intellectual disability, call and tell us your story, 800-989-8255. You can also email us, talk@npr.org. And you can join the conversation on our website. That's at npr.org. Click on TALK OF THE NATION.

Dr. Ranit Mishori is a family practitioner here in Washington. She shared her own experience with this in a piece that ran earlier this month in the Washington Post. We've posted a link to that story at our website. Again, that's npr.org. Don Meyer directs the Sibling Support Project, a national effort dedicated to helping brothers and sisters of people with special health, mental health and developmental needs.

And I wanted to read this email we got from Sharon - oh, excuse me, Shannon(ph) in St. Louis: I grew up with an older brother who had severe ADD, ADHD, Tourette's, as well as other disabilities. I was acutely aware that there was something different about him from a very young age, and this became more prevalent in high school, where he was incessantly picked on. I even remember meeting with a family therapist once to help his Tourette's.

Because of this, I think I was embarrassed and ashamed to introduce friends and boyfriends to him. I went so far as to point out once to a new boyfriend: My brother and I were both adopted and not blood-related. And for that I am now embarrassed. He had a constant struggle during his life to make and retain friends, jobs and get a quality education, and even though he was immensely intelligent, after he passed away in a car accident just two years ago, only now am I able to see how unfair it was for me to pretend I was the favorite because he had disabilities or even treat him differently for that.

Our relationship was never a good one, but I often wonder how it would have been different. And that's a reminder, Dr. Mishori, there are people all over the spectrum. It's not just severe autism. It's like Shannon's brother.

MISHORI: Yes, and it's not just - it could be mental retardation, Down's syndrome, as the other caller, people with - who were hurt at birth. So there's a whole array of kids with - who are disabled and their siblings. So it doesn't really - almost it doesn't matter what the condition is affecting the disabled brother, but it's how you deal with it and how your family handles it.

CONAN: Let's go next to Teresa(ph), Teresa with us from Tucson.

TERESA: Hello.

CONAN: Hi, you're on the air, Teresa. Go ahead, please.

TERESA: Yes, my younger brother, he's three-and-a-half years younger than I am, and he was developmentally disabled. And when he was little, it took him a long time to learn how to talk. And one of the things that I could do as like a little kid was like for some reason I could understand what he was trying to tell my mom.

You know, as we grew up, I can relate too to being kind of ashamed of my brother but also kind of missing out on a brother-sister relationship like my friends had. And that was difficult too. You know, and a lot of attention does go to the child. I can remember coming home from school a lot of times, and my mom, you know, was somewhere with my brother for some sort of an appointment, and this went on and on for like a couple of school years this way.

CONAN: And you went through that cycle of resentment and guilt?

TERESA: Kind of just feeling left out, you know, kind of like, you know, that - I don't know. And - I don't know, it's kind of hard to describe, but yeah, just kind of feeling left out and maybe not as important. And you know, I cared about my brother, and I wanted him to be - I wanted him to be normal. But on the other hand, I look back as an adult, and I realize the things that my brother taught me in his own way, which was to be more accepting of people, to be more sensitive to people's needs - excuse me, their needs.

And you know, my brother was killed in an accident, and at his funeral, usually when someone with developmental disability has a memorial service, it's just a handful of people there, and the entire church building was full. People came from out of state on a Monday night for this, completely full, just because my brother had touched them in some way.

CONAN: Teresa, thanks very much, and I'm sorry for your loss.

TERESA: Thank you.

CONAN: And it's interesting, Don Meyer, as you go through this, these cycles of feeling, there is also a - there are also examples of siblings who overcompensate, feel responsible to be no trouble at all to their parents and to be the one who's the achiever in the family.

MEYER: Yes, some brothers and sisters find themselves in the good kid role, the one who's going to make everything right, the one who's going to balance the scales. And for some sibs that I've talked to, they say, well, that's how I got attention in my family, is that I did well in school.

And other sibs say, you know, my parents had enough heartache. I didn't need - you know, with my brother. They didn't need my worries as well. And often you see sibs, they go on to be very conscientious people and good students, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that, but it's - I guess it's problematic when they're neurotic achievers, or they never bring home any bad news. You only get good news from them.

And, you know, if that happened to one of my kids, the message I would want to give them is that, you know, yes, we have high expectations for you like we have high expectations for your brother who has special needs, and we have high expectations for ourselves. But you know what? None of us are perfect, and being in a family is to be there for each other in good times and not-so-good times.

CONAN: Neurotic achiever, Dr. Mishori?

MISHORI: I guess guilty as charged.

(LAUGHTER)

MISHORI: Certainly there are moments that I'm not so proud of and I'm sure my parents were not so proud of me at those times. But certainly there's a sense that, you know, he's never going to be the athlete, so I'm going to have to be the athlete. He's never going to be the top student, so I have to be the top student. He's never going to, you know, make enough money or have a life that my parents would be proud of, so it's left up to me and my younger sister, to some extent.

So yes, there's a lot that - kids that I've talked to and other siblings, including thinking about it later on myself, we take on a lot in order to make sure that the parents have some glimmer of hope.

CONAN: Let's get another caller in. Let's go to Dan, Dan with us from New York.

DAN: Hi, how are you doing?

CONAN: Good, thanks.

DAN: I just want to say that I never really had like the negative aspects. My younger brother has autism, and he's seven years younger than me, and my older brother is 10 years older than him. So there wasn't really that close of an age as to where we would get jealous, that he got, you know, more stuff of Christmas or, you know, things like that. So we kind of bypassed all that.

And, you know, he's actually just enriched and made all of our lives better, in a way, making us more honest people because of the way he sees the world. You know, he just, he always says what's on his mind. Like he has no filter, you know what I mean? And it's great, actually, and it's - it's not like a good thing that he's autistic, but in a way he's made all of us better people for it.

CONAN: Don Meyer, I guess that points out again, we can't - everybody's situation is different, and some good things can come of this.

MEYER: Oh, without a doubt. You know, to focus solely on the problematic aspect is only, you know, one side of the coin. You know, there's - you know, we see sibs who are marvelously mature. You see a lot of insight into the human condition. You see people being tolerant of people who are somehow perceived as different.

There's inspiration that they get from their brothers and sisters. There's an appreciation for things that other people take for granted. There's a tremendous pride, as your caller just expressed, and there's amazing loyalty that you see from sibs. So there are things - and again, for some sibs it's more one way, in others it's more the other way, but for most sibs it's kind of a mixed bag.

CONAN: Dan, thanks very much.

MEYER: Hey, thank you.

CONAN: Here's an email from Elizabeth in Salt Lake City: My parents made the difficult, albeit doctor-advised decision, to relinquish custody of my older, intellectually challenged brother, and he did not live in our home as I was growing up. While I understand their decision was made with my brother's specialized health care needs in mind, it was also due to their desire to provide any future unborn children, me and my younger brother, with a normal childhood.

Now in my 30s, I struggle with my parents' decision to remove my older brother from my home, and I feel a sense of guilt that someone else has always taken care of him while the rest of our family has gone on with our lives unencumbered by my brother's special needs. I think my parents made the right decision for them, but my role, non-role, in my brother's life continues to confuse me. Boy, this isn't easy.

Another email, this one from Katrina(ph) in Cedar Rapids: I have an autistic brother who's 14 months older than me. He's now 37, and I'm 36. My brother required additional attention, but at the same time the importance of this attention was understood, well understood, by my sister and I. As a result, my older sister and I were protective of him growing up, which was probably worse for him than any embarrassment I might have - than any embarrassment I might have felt about him.

He now makes up for it by being overprotective of me. And there's another thing that I wanted to get to, Dr. Mishori, that you wrote about, and that is safety. Sometimes people with severe autism, like your brother, can be dangerous.

MISHORI: Absolutely. And, again, it's not - it doesn't - not all autistic kids are aggressive or violent, but my brother was, and it certainly wasn't fun. And I wrote in the article about an incident when he bit me on the face, and the next morning was our school picture day. And I still have that picture. But I went to school, and I have to say they asked me - the teacher asked me, what happened? I said, oh, the cat scratched me. Clearly, there are teeth marks there.

So it wasn't the most fun, you know, to say the least. So there was a moment - there's an element of embarrassment and shame and also the actual fear of, you know, a young child being attacked by their brother or sister.

So that was certainly there, but, you know, it's not - and that - it's not the same situation for everybody. And my parents were trying to be very protective and knew when to take him away, but it wasn't possible all the time.

CONAN: And, Don Meyer, I wanted to ask you about a situation that I know you've dealt with, and that is kids who - I grew up with brothers and sisters. There's constant teasing. There's constant little cruelty sometimes. Sometimes you can be betrayed by your siblings in hurtful ways. What effect does that have when one of them is intellectually disabled?

MEYER: Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel. And, you know, I run these programs called Sibshops, and I train people on how to start these things called Sibshops. They're peer support and education programs for school-age brothers and sisters. And they talk about it there, and it's great for them to have a forum where they can talk about how other kids have been cruel and thoughtless.

And I've been doing - I've worked with sibs for a long time now, and it's not that I don't hear kids complain about other kids being cruel, but I don't hear about it nearly as much as I used to. And I think that has everything to do with the movement towards community life for kids who have disabilities. Rather than going to special schools, they're now at neighborhood schools. They're more integrated into the mainstream of life.

CONAN: Let's go to Ilea(ph), Ilea with us from Bolinas in California.

ILEA: Hi.

CONAN: You're on the air. Go ahead.

ILEA: Hi. My experience - I was glad to hear the person who had a positive experience because my sister was born in '47, two years older than me, and there were just no services at that time. And my parents were real pioneers of pulling together services for people, but they made it normal. And my sister went everywhere with us and all my friends and all my high school dates and all the parties we had at my house. She was just there and included.

And I learned very young that I stood up for her when people were mean because I valued her. And throughout my life - she just died this year at 64. And I feel enriched. Maybe I became more of a caregiver to my family because I saw so much kindness in my family.

But I just wanted to say that there's really strong, positive experiences. And she was gentle, and she wasn't - and she was cheerful, and she was patient, so it was easy to take care of her in that way. But it's very enriching, and I know a lot of people who feel that way.

CONAN: Ilea, thank you very much for sharing that. It's important to us. Appreciate it.

ILEA: OK. Bye.

CONAN: We're talking with Dr. Ranit Mishori, a family physician practicing here in Washington, an associate professor in the Department of Family Medicine at Georgetown University School of Medicine. Also with us, Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project. You're listening to TALK OF THE NATION from NPR News.

Keira(ph) is on the line with us from Allendale, Michigan.

KEIRA: Hi there. I just wanted to talk about - I have a wonderful brother who has Angelman syndrome. And I think that it's really important that my mom was able to find - she's a single mother, and she's been able to find some really wonderful respite care so that she is capable of taking some time for herself and time to spend with me and my daughter. And I just am really thankful that that type of program is out there for her and that she was guided into that area.

CONAN: Forgive me. I'm not familiar with Angelman syndrome.

KEIRA: It's - it affects chromosomes. Basically, he kind of functions on a level of a 3-year-old. So his speech is very limited. You know, all of his care needs to be provided for him. It's a pretty significant disability, but he's really enriched our lives, and he is very involved. But when my mother needs to spend some time by herself and regroup, there are a lot of options out there.

CONAN: And will you be the primary caregiver when the day comes?

KEIRA: You know, that has not been discussed thoroughly. She - my mom is not incredibly willing to talk about that at this time. She is a wonderful woman who takes fantastic care of him as of right now, so...

CONAN: I can understand that it's sensitive. I think it's also really important to talk about it.

KEIRA: It is. It is.

CONAN: All right. And your brother is doing well?

KEIRA: He's doing very well, yup. Yup. At home. Yeah.

CONAN: OK. All right. Keira, thanks very much, and good luck.

KEIRA: Thank you.

CONAN: And in terms of those conversations, Don Meyer, they're really important.

MEYER: Yeah. Neal, I'm afraid what your caller said is an oft-told tale. I'm forever meeting adults who are - who have no idea what their parents' wishes are. And they've tried to bring it up with their moms and dads, and their parents just don't want to go there. It's understandable why they wouldn't want to talk about it, but the reality is is that these brothers and sisters are going to be involved, and they would be wise to start talking about it sooner rather than later.

You know, we talked about guilt a little bit, but I've had many sibs who have found themselves in a situation where their parents have never wanted to talk about the future. And, you know, they had, let's say, a child with Down syndrome, and because they had a son or a daughter with Down syndrome, they thought they were going to outlive that child. And guess what? That doesn't happen. Dad died last year at age 80. Mom's now 78; still is unwilling to talk about, you know, what's going to happen with brother Bill in the days to come, and then she gets diagnosed with something serious.

And then she goes to - it's usually the daughter, the oldest daughter and says, you know, tell me you will take Bill into your house in the days to come. And this daughter having to say to her mother at the end of her life, you know, mom, I don't think that's such a good idea. I will always look after Bill's affairs, but, you know, I can't have him live with me. We need to think of another way. That's a huge opportunity for guilt and the real reason why these kind of things should be discussed sooner rather than later.

CONAN: Don Meyer, thanks very much for your time today.

MEYER: My pleasure.

CONAN: Don Meyer is director of the Sibling Support Project. He joined us from member stations KUOW in Seattle. And Dr. Ranit Mishori was here with us in 3A. Thanks very much for sharing your story.

MISHORI: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

CONAN: Coming up, dueling speeches in New York City by President Obama and his Republican challenger, Mitt Romney. We'll play back substantial excerpts of what both had to say on foreign policy. Stay with us. It's TALK OF THE NATION from NPR News.

Copyright © 2012 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information.

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Siblings With Special Needs Change Childhood

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We often hear about children with intellectual disabilities who face challenges as they grow into adulthood. Less often, we hear about their siblings. They often experience a unique set of emotions, responsibilities and opportunities when it comes to their siblings with special needs.

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The world needs all kinds of minds - Temple Grandin

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Temple Grandin, diagnosed with autism as a child, talks about how her mind works -- sharing her ability to “think in pictures,” which helps her solve problems that neurotypical brains might miss. She makes the case that the world needs people on the autism spectrum: visual thinkers, pattern thinker…

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By Lisa Ackerman

Everybody needs a friend. Children with special needs such as autism, learning delays, and other disabilities can struggle finding friends who are patient, friendly and open minded.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), 1 in every 6 school-aged children has a neurological condition. 1 in every 88 or 1 in every 50 have autism (1,2.) If you don't know someone with autism or other neurological condition you soon will. That is why this article is so important to help guide typical children how to be friends with someone with special needs.

Parents can help their typical children better understand and include children with special needs by letting them know that not everyone acts, learns, communicates and plays the same way they do. It is also important to let your children know that everyone needs a friend and the most significant thing they can do is to try!

Here are some tips on how you can set the stage for your child to develop new friendships with special needs children:

Begin by teaching your child about disabilities: the more the child understands, the easier it is to become friends and accept individuals with differences. Some great books that share a great message include:

I Love my Brother! A preschoolers view of living with a brother who has autism: By Connor Sullivan

My Brother Charlie - by Holly Robinson Peete & Ryan Elizabeth Peete

A is for Autism F is for Friend - by Joanna Velasco

Andy and his Yellow Frisbee - by Mary Thompson

Ian's Walk - A story about autism - By Laurie Lears

What's Wrong with Timmy? - By Maria Shriver

TACA's website has some tips, too (3.)

Take time to answer your child's questions: respectfully listen to and answer your child's question about themselves and others. Do not ignore questions, change the subject, or sidestep or admonish the child for asking questions. These responses suggest that what a child is asking is bad. Answer all questions in a direct, matter-of-fact manner. Listen carefully to what your children want to know and what they are feeling. (And if you don't know the answer, ask! TACA can help!)

Work on creating a home environment that supports diversity: Make it a firm rule that a person's diagnosis is never an acceptable reason for teasing or rejection. Immediately step in if you hear or see your child engage in such activities.

Provide opportunities to interact: parents can actively seek out opportunities for their children to interact with children that have disabilities. Parents can arrange opportunities as school, daycare, or local parks for children to play together and interact. Ask your school or play group for times and schedules available to engage.

Here are steps to friendship once the opportunity is available:

Begin by saying HI!
Encourage your child not to be afraid to say hello and smile. This is a great way to let someone know that you care and help them feel welcomed.

Try, try and TRY again:
Sometimes it may take a few attempts to make a connection with a new friend because they may be able to hear you, or they may be intently focused on another activity. Try again if they miss the first time!

Invite your friend over:
Often special needs children get overlooked for friendship activities that most children enjoy from parties to playdates. Invite friends over for play or that upcoming party. Think of ways to include all friends in upcoming special activities. Ask the parents what their child enjoys and then do your best to incorporate activities that your new friends like.

Don't forget the golden rule: treat a person with a disability they way you would like to be treated and you'll have a friend for life.

Opening your heart to new friends can make a huge difference for you and your community. It will teach your children lifelong lessons that many in this world have yet to learn. The population of special needs children is growing and the better we understand how to interact, the more amazing friendships can be.

References:

1) http://www.tacanow.org/family-resources/latest-autism-statistics-2/

2) http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/developmentaldisabilities/index.html

3) https://www.tacanow.org/about-autism/
This article originally appeared on PARENTING September 2006. Updates are included in this article.

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Being a friend to someone with special needs

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By Lisa Ackerman Everybody needs a friend. Children with special needs such as autism, learning delays, and other disabilities can struggle finding friends who are patient, friendly and open minded. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), 1 in every 6 school-aged children has a neurological condition.

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Human echolocation - Daniel Kish, "Batman"

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"Mom, when are you going to write a book about me?" my 7-year-old son, Noah, asked as we sat on the floor of his room, surrounded by packing materials from the box that had arrived earlier that day. Inside were copies of my new book, each with a picture of me holding Noah's brother, Henry, on the cover. Henry has Down syndrome, and the book is about the first three years of his life. Noah had come home to find Henry admiring it while I danced around taking photos for our Facebook page. Noah stood by watching the commotion patiently enough. He understood that Henry was having his turn. He just wanted to know whether the next book would be about him.

The truth is that I have no plans to write a book about Noah. Unlike his brother, he does not have a disability. His arrival was a momentous occasion for my husband and me, but no more than that of any other baby. So far, he has hit all the usual milestones. He makes friends easily, has quirky interests and is successful in school. I think he's brilliant, charming and special. I also know that none of this makes for very good reading. The fact of the matter is that it is unlikely that Noah's turn will ever come.

We parents put a lot of energy into teaching our children to take turns. We try to avoid jealousy and strife by doing our best to ensure that each sibling gets an equal portion. Katie Roiphe wrote recently about the pain of discovering that the promise of sibling equity is a myth. We delude siblings by telling them that they are equal, she argued. The promise that talent, good fortune and accomplishment will be evenly distributed among their ranks is a lie. Inevitably, there comes a time when those inequities are exposed, leading to resentment, insecurity and conflict. Where some siblings overcome such tensions, others - like Ms. Roiphe and her older sister - are irrevocably damaged. Ms. Roiphe's essay struck a nerve because I have a sister of my own and our relationship has certainly been through the cycles of acrimony she describes.

But I also believe that these dynamics are quite different when one sibling is disabled. Instead of starting off with perfect equality, there is an immediate imbalance of health and ability. Instead of discovering, years down the road, how life's gifts have not been fairly apportioned, that is where the relationship begins. There is abundant literature on the consequences of growing up with a disabled sibling, much of it negative. Books with titles like "What About Me?," "Being the Other One" and "The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling" report that the able-bodied child is often neglected as his or her needs are subordinated to the more pressing demands of the disabled sibling.

This asymmetry can lead to all sorts of consequences, from hostility and resentment to compensatory overachievement. Siblings of people with disabilities often complain of feeling isolated and confused. When they are young, they may be fearful of contracting the sibling's disability, or be stricken by guilt that they are responsible for causing it. They may worry deeply about the disabled sibling's health and well-being. They may feel compelled to try to be perfect in order to compensate for the obvious imperfections of the disabled sibling. They may also act out, resenting the attention that goes into caring for the disabled sibling. At some point, the typical child may feel shame or embarrassment at having a sibling who is perceived differently by others. As time passes, nondisabled siblings often worry they will be responsible for the long-term care of a disabled brother or sister.

Of course, the news isn't all bad. Some research suggests that growing up with a disabled sibling can also infuse a person with a greater sense of responsibility, patience and compassion for others. Some siblings may be inspired to go into a helping profession, like medicine, teaching or public interest law. Others translate their early experience with disability into a greater appreciation for, and understanding of, the wide spectrum of human differences. I confess to keeping my own list of successful and accomplished people who have a sibling with Down syndrome, which includes the Olympic snowboarder Kevin Pearce (now himself disabled by a traumatic brain injury), the actor and singer Jamie Foxx, the actress Eva Longoria, and Amy Chua of "Tiger Mom" fame (and a Yale Law School professor).

I also realize that it's far too simplistic to say that having a sibling with a disability is either a plus or a minus. More important is the fact that disability may amplify the inequities that are an inevitable part of all sibling relationships. My sons are 5 and 7, and I know that our journey is still in its early stages. So far, they relate to each other much like other brothers. They fight and jostle for attention; they also play happily, taking joy in being together. Sometimes Noah ignores his little brother or wishes he would go away. At other times he is patient and gentle, and he does silly things just to make Henry laugh. Henry thinks Noah is the funniest, most interesting and most important person in the world.

I know there may be times when Noah is resentful or ashamed of his younger brother, and there will be times when Henry feels rejected or ignored by Noah. I like to believe, however, that their happy beginnings will inform a more enduring relationship. No, it will not be equal. It is unlikely that Henry will have access to the same range of opportunities and experiences as his older brother. And Noah will probably never be the subject of a book, at least not one written by me. But I remain hopeful that an early and well-managed experience of those childhood inequities will help to make them more accepting of the inevitable setbacks and challenges they encounter as adults.

"You knew it when you were 4. The yellow lollipop is not the same as the red one," Ms. Roiphe concludes, reflecting on the inevitable inequities of siblinghood even in the family where everyone is, for the time being, able-bodied. Perhaps the lesson here is not the bitter discovery that one sibling has more than his or her share of career success, romance or creativity. Maybe it's that people who don't reach those predictable markers of happiness might take more complicated and interesting paths to satisfaction and insight. It is a good thing that we don't rely on the wisdom of 4-year-olds. And when we grow up, we may come to value the fact that not all lollipops are the same, while understanding that all are sweet.

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"Mom, when are you going to write a book about me?" my 7-year-old son, Noah, asked as we sat on the floor of his room, surrounded by packing materials from the box that had arrived earlier that day. Inside were copies of my new book, each with a picture of me holding Noah's brother, Henry, on the cover.

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Words I Wheel By - Emily Ladau - Writer, Speaker, and Disability Rights Activist

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Words I Wheel By is my little space on the internet to share my passion for disability rights and social justice. It's where I talk about living life on wheels, fighting disability discrimination, a

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When people meet Andrew Phillips, they cast him off as anxious. Maybe irritable, and certainly disconnected.

Then there are the people who know him well. The people who say he's funny, sweet and very smart.

"Those are two completely different kids," says his mom, Leslie Phillips, of the two descriptions. That's because Andrew, 14, has autistic disorder, the most severe of the autism spectrum disorders - which also include Asperger's syndrome and Pervasive Developmental Disorder. "He struggles with communicating with people in a meaningful way, so to be a friend to Andrew, you have to take the time to get to know him and be around him."

In late March, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new data that suggests 1 in 68 8-year-olds is now affected by autism, a 30 percent jump since 2012. That means virtually every grade in every elementary school has at least one autistic student - and it's likely you know one (or more) of them.

Autism affects the way a person's brain and body work, and someone with the disorder might have trouble speaking, make strange sounds or not talk at all. About 25 percent of people diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder are considered nonverbal, but they can sometimes communicate by writing, sign language or picture cards. Autistic people may flap their hands, spin in circles, do or say the same things repetitively, or sit quietly and avoid looking at others.

But none of that dampens the fact that they're intelligent, capable, passionate, honest people. People who, in many cases, deeply value friendship. "It's so hard for Andrew, but I don't think there's anything more important to him than being connected with other people," says Phillips, who lives in Katy, Texas, with her three sons and does advocacy work for the National Autism Association. "I think if autistic kids could say one thing to people, it would be this: Don't give up on me."

As we mark National Autism Awareness Month, consider these ways to be a friend to someone with autism:

Don't assume he or she doesn't value friendship. Yes, there are communication challenges and trouble with social interactions. But that doesn't mean friendship isn't important. "The reality is that autistic people, like neurotypical people, are very diverse in our levels of sociability and desire for friendships," says Lydia Brown, a junior at Georgetown University who has autism. Some people with autism are exceedingly social, while others are significantly more introverted. "But like all people, we value others who want to be our friends for the sake of who we are," Brown says, adding that "we seek friendships based on mutual interest and respect, shared values and negotiated boundaries."

Be patient. Meet somebody where he is - don't try to change him so he becomes what you consider acceptable."You need to be sensitive to the fact that they're doing the best they can, just as you're doing the best you can,"says Lisa Goring, vice president of family services at the advocacy group Autism Speaks. "There's no reason they need to be the only one to change."

Communicate clearly. Speak at a reasonable pace and volume - and keep in mind that it's often helpful to use short sentences. Gestures, pictures and facial expressions may also work well. Speak literally rather than using confusing figures of speech, and when you ask a question, don't expect an immediate response - give your friend extra time.

Make plans. There's a good chance someone with autism wants to be included but doesn't know how to ask. A number of formal school programs pair autistic kids with neurotypical buddies, setting up dinner or movie nights. But little or no interaction occurs outside those structured times, Phillips says. "Real friendships are made in the cafeteria at lunch, or in the stands at the softball game, doing normal daily activities." She says her oldest son, a 19-year-old who has Asperger's, found a few close friends in elementary school. As the years progressed, he always had someone to sit with at lunch and a friend in gym class. "Those are the times when kids who are alone get bullied," Phillips says. "It's really important that one or two people - it doesn't have to be a big group - are spending time with that person on a regular basis."

Respect sensory differences. People with autism are often unusually sensitive to sounds, sights, touch, taste and smells. High-pitched sounds like fire alarms may be painful; scratchy fabrics intolerable. "A good friend will learn to respect sensory differences, whether or not they understand the reasons or causes for them," Brown says. "Don't question or doubt someone's knowledge of their own body and mental state." Likewise, don't assume people with autism are intellectually disabled. Often, they have normal to high IQs and excel in areas such as music and math.

[Read: What You Need to Know About Autism.]

Don't treat people with autism like a project. This happens often, Brown says, stressing that friendship with an autistic person is not community service. "We don't need charity or pity friendships," she says. "And we neither want nor need people who want to 'look past the autism,' as autism is integral to our identity and experiences." Brown suggests this test to determine whether your friendship with an autistic person is a positive, healthy experience, as opposed to a charity project. Do you include the autistic person in events or nights out with your other friends? And are your perceptions of the person based on widespread stereotypes of autism or other disabilities?

Stand up for your autistic friend. Bullying, abuse and other types of violence are prevalent in the lives of autistic people - from childhood through adulthood. If you see someone teasing or picking on an autistic peer, take a stand. "Working to end the systemic ableism that stigmatizes, isolates and normalizes violence against autistic and other disabled people ultimately benefits everyone," Brown says. "So too does working through ableism at the individual level and in one's own personal relationships."

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how to be a friend to someone with autism

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How to Be a Friend to Someone With Autism

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When people meet Andrew Phillips, they cast him off as anxious. Maybe irritable, and certainly disconnected. Then there are the people who know him well. The people who say he's funny, sweet and very smart. "Those are two completely different kids," says his mom, Leslie Phillips, of the two descriptions.

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Students create a video of them expressing how their unique characteristics make them special. The class will then hold a viewing night for parents and the community to share their video on what makes them special and why this is important to them

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Hold an assembly and have students share what makes them different and why this makes them special

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Students will volunteer at the Special Olympics to play with other children with special needs to put what they learned to use and see how similar we really are and hopefully have a great time.

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Students will create a PSA to the school on how to befriend someone with special needs to spread awareness of what to expect, how to interact, and how we are not as different as you may think. The students will do this by creating a video and having the students in their school watch the video.

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Pair students with other students with disabilities and have them interview them while recording them. The students will then create a podcast and share what they learned from a new perspective to the class and maybe other students in their grade.

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Have students record a video of them telling Temple Grandin what they learned from her speech and why she help make them aware of what autism is and how their perspective of people with autism have changed. They will make a promise to spread the information they learned to their school by creating a video to spread aware of autism. The class will then send the video to her by mail and by email.

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Students will pick a book they read about a character with a disability and create a poem from their point of view. Students will use a digital platform, such as a Storybird, to share their poem(s) with the class. The students will then use a discussion board to respond to each other's creations.

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Write to a public speaker having a sibling with disabilities about how much the students have learned and how they would love to spread awareness to the rest of the school inviting them to speak to the school at an assembly.

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Inspiring: Dad turns child's disability into a "superpower"

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Inspiring: Dad turns child's disability into a "superpower"