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𝑴𝒚 𝑳𝒊𝒎𝒃𝒐 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝑰 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐 𝒕𝒐, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒊𝒕. 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒖𝒕, 𝒚𝒆𝒕. 𝑵𝒐𝒘, 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝑳𝒊𝒎𝒃𝒐, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅'𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆. 𝑰 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆, 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆.

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𝑴𝒚 𝑳𝒊𝒎𝒃𝒐 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝑰 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒐 𝒕𝒐, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒐 𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒊𝒕. 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒐𝒖𝒕, 𝒚𝒆𝒕. 𝑵𝒐𝒘, 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝑳𝒊𝒎𝒃𝒐, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅'𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆. 𝑰 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒖𝒑 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆, 𝑭𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆.

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Primary colors might be my virtue. I am scared of so many things. Like heights (which, tbh, who couldn't be). I'm scared of fighting, for myself, meaning, I'm scared to stand up for myself. Which, to me, it makes no real since at all. I'm fine with talking to people about myself, and I'm very confident, when it comes to standing up for other people, but when it comes to myself, I can never seem to do it. It's like, a wall, is blocking my vision, which is stopping from going, any where. As I said before, Primary colors are my virtue. For some reason, every time i see pri-colors, all together, I just feel safe. I don't know why. All I know is that I feel safe. I feel like I'm home.

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Where my life, likes to take into it's own perspective.

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Where my life, likes to take into it's own perspective.

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Wondering what it might actually feel like to be out, in the real world. Having all the chances in the world. Where your future is ahead of you, instead of having to look down an empty hallway, already awaiting your becoming future, of decreased happiness. Or even trying to pass a thought through your own mind, trying to be noticed by someone you might like, only to realize that there's no point. Because you already know that you won't ever find love. And if you were to manage finding love, then it's either end in two ways (with the second one being the most obvious answer), 1st one they are going to break your heart, 2nd one you are going to break there's.

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Wondering what it might actually feel like to be out, in the real world. Having all the chances in the world. Where your future is ahead of you, instead of having to look down an empty hallway, already awaiting your becoming future, of decreased happiness. Or even trying to pass a thought through your own mind, trying to be noticed by someone you might like, only to realize that there's no point. Because you already know that you won't ever find love. And if you were to manage finding love, then it's either end in two ways (with the second one being the most obvious answer), 1st one they are going to break your heart, 2nd one you are going to break there's.

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Dear Ken,

Ken is someone in my life, that I fortunately got the chance to meet. Is one of the funniest people I have ever met. Is the only person that I feel safe, talking to and being with. I only wish that one day, before I die, where I could meet ken. I would say how much I love them. I've always been such a suicidal person, and angry at the world. I was always wondering why God and the universe, would've gaven me a disease, that would start to kill me, in a violent and slow way. Knowing that the only people I would be able to see and talk to, were my doctors and nurses. Knowing that i'd have to move all the way across the world just to be in a hospital, where I should have the chance of being saved. But, inside stuck in a hospital bed all day, looking at the celling, while crying, realizing that at any moment, i could pass. I hate being the only one who is on the losing side. Everyone thinks tht life sucks. And everyone is always complaining. Why? Life is the greatest thing, in the world. I never knew, that to be true, until I met such an amazing person. I've lost so many people, in my life. But, the people who have been here for me, the last year, Ken, have made me realize that i don't want to die. I don't want to be forced to say goodbye. I don't want to leave the people I love. Ken, if you are reading this (which you probably wont) I wanted you to know that I love you so much. I'd hate to say it, I don't want you to leave, but if really truly dont want to stay. That's okay. I'm going to be here. No matter what. I don't care if life has you hanging on a thin branch, that is falling off a cliff. I will always be here for you. I never would've expected to have met you, but when I did, I wasn't even sure if we would be friends. I just thought that you would've left, after knowing. But you stayed. That's the one thing that makes you a good person. That's how I can tell between everyone; when they stay, that how I know that they are my friend. But ken, you aren't my friend. At least not anymore. You are my family. I adore you so much. And I love you. You are worth it. I know that we don't talk much, and it's not because your 'annoying' or bc i dont like you. It's been bc I'm so busy. But that is no longer an excuse. I'm going to be foward with you. the only reason we don't always talk, all the time, is because I've been trying to protect you. I know that you would do anything for me, and that you don't care whether i'm dying, and that you like me for me. But, I still feel the need to protect you. I just don't want you to be sad, after I'm gone. I don't want you to be alone. I'm not the only one who loves you, you have so many people. Friends, and family, here that care about. When I die, I want you to spend so much time with them. Cherish them. Please don't try to push them away. I love you. I love you, Ken.

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Why do I have to be stuck, all the time? I try and try every day, but I can't seem to escape. This is just something that I want want to ask for. Embarrassment is not really something that I enjoy. I don't want to continue with this hopeless, uneventful life. I want to be happy. There are just way too many people that are able to provide me with anything that I could want or need. But it's like they don't really care. Though I know that they do, I just feel like they don't, sometimes. I have the ability to do whatever I could want or dream of. Every time that I do those things, they make me feel guilty about it. (they; meaning those people that I had mentioned prior) I know technically they are not making or forcing me to feel this way, I just do.. I can't seem to enjoy anything that I do. Even breathing. I feel as if though, I am not allowed to. They tell me that I should live life to the fullest, while I'm still alive. To enjoy every moment, because every moment is worthy. That every moment of your life shapes you into the person that you are today. All of those moments are shaping those around you. When you die, those memories of you, in their lives will be remembered as something incredible. Beautiful. Instead of them remembering your sickness, sadness, and pain,. They'll remember and remain in those happy, and well enjoyed moments. They'll remember you as the brightest light in the room. I try to do everything that they ask so that I can do whatever I could want or dream of. If I'm not on time to their plan, for making a design, of what they aim for. Then I get yelled at. Pushed under the bus. Feeling guilty for something which I could not possibly control. They tell me that they love me, then I end up feeling that I am not worthy of being loved. It's like some twisted way of them telling me to live. Having to abide by their rules. Every time that something really important pops up they rush away from me. But when something important happens to me, they take their time. It's like they are giving up on me before I have. It makes me sad. I am always put at a place that I don't want to be a part of. Having to make the decision to either choose my happiness or their expectations.

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I'm probably not the only one, who is sad all the time. I'm probably not the only one, who has a reason. I'm probably not the only one, that still feels this way, even after five years. I'm probably not the only one, who lit a candle, today. I'm probably not the only one, who got lost. I'm probably the only one, who is still. I'm probably not the only one, who sits in a dark room crying. I'm probably not the only one, who believes that someone could actually love them. I'm probably not the only one, who feels entirely made up, or fake. I'm probably not the only one, who is sitting behind a screen, saying that they aren't alone, but knowing that they are. I know I'm the only one, who is falling in love, with someone who is no longer here. Who is gone... But I'm okay being the only one; Look up there ^, I have some people, who are experiencing some things, like I have, and am. So, I guess, what I'm saying is, that I don't have to always feel alone, even while I am.

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I'm probably not the only one, who is sad all the time. I'm probably not the only one, who has a reason. I'm probably not the only one, that still feels this way, even after five years. I'm probably not the only one, who lit a candle, today. I'm probably not the only one, who got lost. I'm probably the only one, who is still. I'm probably not the only one, who sits in a dark room crying. I'm probably not the only one, who believes that someone could actually love them. I'm probably not the only one, who feels entirely made up, or fake. I'm probably not the only one, who is sitting behind a screen, saying that they aren't alone, but knowing that they are. I know I'm the only one, who is falling in love, with someone who is no longer here. Who is gone... But I'm okay being the only one; Look up there ^, I have some people, who are experiencing some things, like I have, and am. So, I guess, what I'm saying is, that I don't have to always feel alone, even while I am.

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Why do I feel like i am breaking? Why Do I feel like these could be my last moments? Why does my heart hurt all the Time? How do I know, When I'm about to die? Why do I feel like i am breaking? Why do i feel sick every day? Why don't I feel things when i am awake? Why am i. why am i. why am i, still alive? Why am i. why am i. why am i, still hurting? How comes, I can look at you, in the eye, and say that I'm okay, when I'm not? How comes, I can promise you, that I will stay, when I won't? How comes, I can say, I love you, yet I don't know how? Why are my feelings always controlling me? Why do i, cry, even though I know, it's not going to stop, anything? So, why? Tell me why.

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Why do I feel like i am breaking? Why Do I feel like these could be my last moments? Why does my heart hurt all the Time? How do I know, When I'm about to die? Why do I feel like i am breaking? Why do i feel sick every day? Why don't I feel things when i am awake? Why am i. why am i. why am i, still alive? Why am i. why am i. why am i, still hurting? How comes, I can look at you, in the eye, and say that I'm okay, when I'm not? How comes, I can promise you, that I will stay, when I won't? How comes, I can say, I love you, yet I don't know how? Why are my feelings always controlling me? Why do i, cry, even though I know, it's not going to stop, anything? So, why? Tell me why.

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-AML-

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Everyone here is fixed with the indset of yesteryear. Nobody seems to care about what happens here. If you're here, it's because your a misfit toy. Coming straight down from our highest high. Always thinking that we are super fly. It doesn't really matter what you do while you're here. Just as long as you don't disappear. People always assume that we are bad, disrectful, or sad. Getting in trouble for some dumb stuff. Making up excuses, like "it wasn't my fault. Chewing gum, throwing paper, and yelling very loud. Not me though. I actually follow the rules. Give respect to my elders, parents, and teachers. Don't really care what goes on, in the world around me. I get so caught up in thought, if you want to you can just call it one big dream. Everyone here is put into a place that they don't want to be. Going into a dark corner, just to text. Never worrying about what will happen when they're dead. Using social media to block out the voices in their heads. There's not much more to say. If you want some more information, you can come, feel free to stay. If you're here, it because you're a misfit toy.

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Walking along the shoreline anxiously waiting, for my love to come back home. No shoes, just footprints imprinted on the sand.

Staring out at sea., wondering will they ever come back to me? The water splashing amongst my feet. Tide starting to pull me in.

Trying to hold on, as much as I can. Hoping that you'll come before I give up.

She, the beautiful bliss of sadness. He the constant trembling in my heart. Them, the one's that left, without saying goodbye.

How they expect me to believe that everything will be Okay? When I know for sure that it's a lie.

I haven't even seen you will my own eyes.

Starting to go into the deep end. My mind is racing. Thoughts are fading. Breath is gasping.

Holding on to a distand memory. Pieces on the puzzel that are breaking off of me.

I'm just going to let it pull me in. Until I start being weighed down by the sadness.

I'm just going to take a deep breath, and then release. Calming down my heart beat, I'm finally in control.

If I have the strength to fight back, I have the ambition to let go.

Nobody needs to know, until my body washes up, onto the shore.

There'd be no identification, because I was never really here. I will always be - nothing.

It's not a time for heros.
Not a thing that can save me.