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Kiri Davis' A Girl Like Me struck me twice. First, of course, the 15 out of 21 young children choosing the white over the black doll for being the "nice" or "good" doll, then turning around to clearly state that they identify with the other, clearly stated or implied as bad black doll. Heartbreaking, and a poignant reminder of the values with which many of our children can begin their lives. So much to understand and overcome. Second was the narrative of the girl who felt that, as a generic African-American without clear genealogical geographical information, she didn't feel in possession of a specific native culture, and therefore had a sense of being almost rootless. She did a great job of explaining that this absence then gets filled by cultural concepts "thrown at them" by the (implied) dominant culture. This fundamental sense of loss and desire for heritage and roots speaks to the need to further address and explore potential cultural connections.

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I was affected by the video "A girl like me" especially as a female and understanding the pressure of what being beautiful looks like. It is so heartbreaking to hear what these girls did to try to lighten their skin because society told them that was beautiful. These girls feel such pressure to conform to a certain look, have their hair a certain way, and look the way Barbie's and dolls looked. The study showed small children looking at white or black dolls and the young children associated the colored doll with being "bad." They felt like they needed to conform to whiteness and they resented their own history and identity. Some of these girls felt like they had a lost identity and didn't feel connected to their culture because it had a negative connotation. Society has portrayed them in a light that is far from a true representation of each of these beautiful women and the internal and external struggles they face is so eye-opening.

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I was most affected by the piece "Letter to Myself Before Leaving" by Ingrid Hernandez. The advice given to the writer's younger self was so simple and poignant: hugging her relatives one last time, remembering what her bedroom looked like, and packing three favorite stuffed animals instead of just one. Listening to the author read her letter really personalized the experience of immigration. It made it real. I thought about my own childhood and of my own children, and I tried to imagine the experience of leaving everything and everyone familiar behind. I think that considering the immigrant experience on an individual and personal level like this is so important , and this piece was a beautiful and sad example of one brave little girl's life experience.

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I was most affected by the article on the Teaching While White blog called White Girl of Color?: https://www.teachingwhilewhite.org/student-voices/2017/9/1/white-girl-of-color

This article, written by a 17-year old girl, did an excellent job describing her experience being bi-racial. She was asked during a school activity to identify as either white or a person of color, and felt like she did not fit in to either group. I am half-Egyptian and half-white, and I have always felt the same way. White people see me as different or "exotic", I grew up with Egyptian customs and food, yet I speak very little Arabic, and Arabs think I am not like them -- I have always struggled to define my racial category. Like the author of this article, I feel "in-between". I love how she describes the beauty of not having to choose, and really appreciated connecting with a story that I relate to so much. I never knew how to talk about and process this issue when I was in school, and I wish I could send this article to my teenage self!

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All of the poems that I read and listened to were very moving.  Probably the saddest poem I listened to was "Letter to Myself Before Leaving" by Ingrid Hernandez.  The hindsight of what she wished she had done on her last day in her house in Mexico is so heartbreaking.        -Memorize every line on your aunt and grandma's face.            -Remember every picture and crack on every wall.
-Sneak 2 extra stuffed animals into your backpack even though mom says to only bring one.  These pieces of advice from a college student to her 8 year old self made me really appreciate the trauma that young people experience as they leave home. How many precious things and people were my students forced to leave behind? How many of them can never return? The poem was so tenderly written, it brought tears to my eyes.

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On the “Things I'll Never Say” website, I focused on the section “Challenges/Opportunities” and “Activism/Legalizing” because it’s the most salient aspect of my students’ lives and hindrance to success in school and I wanted to comment in particular on the  “Driving While Undocumented” piece. While the interaction between the officer and Julio was racist, totally unnecessary, and shows how the fear of the police is completely justified by many people of color,  I'm not going to focus on that aspect because this is already so well-known. What I would like to focus on instead is what else happened during Julio’s exchange with that officer and that is how a certain status can reinforce stereotypes as well as slowly affect a person's mental health through microaggressions that I have also experienced albeit in a different way.

The types of questions that Julio was being asked are not just common with people of color and undocumented immigrants, but also people from a lower socioeconomic status. I belonged to the latter group and while I understood it was necessary to give personal details of my life to get government assistance, it nonetheless weighed on my self-worth over time. The paperwork involved in getting help from the government was contingent upon 1) accepting the default assumption that you must be lying 2) giving personal information that those of a higher status would never have to give and 3) revisiting your status (in my case, not having much money) on a nearly constant basis over long periods of time. Then, if you explain how frustrating this is, you hear, among other terrible things, the argument “what does it matter?” You got your money in the end, right?” Or in Julio’s case, “the officer eventually let him go and was told to drive safely! What’s the big deal?” The barrage of questioning he had to go through that had NOTHING to do with driving in the wrong lane never should have happened (as well as, I would argue, getting pulled over) in the first place. It’s also extremely demoralizing and frustrating to have your status, something you'd rather forget, become your identity. Even more when it’s treated so suspiciously, negatively, and starts with the color of your skin.

All this is to say that the vast majority of people on this planet are just trying to get by in the most honest means available to them. Unless proven otherwise with hard evidence (because whew, I have a handful of dishonest students that test my patience), I give my students the benefit of the doubt with a lot of things because I know that outside of school, their status puts them under a microscope with no relief until it gets changed. And even if/when their status gets changed, the negative, long-term effects of living under constant questioning, suspicion, and microaggressions could be many. It’s a very stressful existence.

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The two pieces I read from the first section, Memories and In Mexico I Left, where reflections in writing and poetry of the distant memories an immigrant child would have as they grow up in the United States.  They only remember images and feelings since they have been in the US, but they feel they left something precious behind which had provided them happiness.  This would have been the sounds of their young friends' laughter, a good friend's voice on the phone, or the fading image of caring grandparents left behind.  These would be foundation memories that children have and it seems the writers are trying to remember to have a connection to their early years.  It feels, perhaps that they are missing a piece of their young lives and cannot replace it.

Growing Up Asian in America portrays a young women who feels she is not receiving the same respect she and her immigrant family has given to the U.S. She certainly feels objectified and not valued for the intellect, talents and aspirations she has.  She would rather she be known for these traits rather then a stereotypical version of what Asian-America women should be.

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I read stories from students of varied backgrounds. Sally (AB is an Asian F), Gabriella (Living the Trailer Lifestyle), Jordan (Letter to Lexington), and Katie (Growing up Asian American Contest Winner) all took me into their worlds to share their perspectives. I feel that Sally and Jordan's stories were most relevant to perspectives that I imagine students where I teach may have. Jordan's story was very interesting coming from prestigious Lexington. I was struck by the physical invasion of his personal space that he experienced himself and his story of cultural appropriation by white entertainers in the music industry was eye opening to me. Sally's story was one that was most helpful to me. The largest represented minority where I teach (and live) are Asian Americans and I know I struggle with stereotypes that I have. I found the end of her article so helpful. Her specific suggestions to her peers, her teachers, and her community were very helpful and actionable. She also made me think a lot about how we, well-meaning teachers, ask students to divlulge so much about themselves at the beginning of the school year in an attempt to be more sensitive to their backgrounds. She made me aware how uncomfortable that can be for some students and it makes me want to think of better ways, outside of the typical "getting to know you" period at the start of the year, to better understand where my students are coming from and what they need from me. I think check-ins with my students during the year will be important.

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The poem, A Conversation with America, by Emmanuel Mendoza, is powerful. All of the pieces I looked at described emotional trauma as a result of being an immigrant in the US. Mendoza's poem is about an adult man (who arrived in the US an an undocumented immigrant as a child) processing his life. He works hard, goes to college for engineering, gets his dream job, tells his boss he is undocumented and he is summarily fired.

The company lost a talented employee, They didn’t offer to get him a visa to keep him. Why are HR people not aware or have a heart. Is it because of laws. This reminding of the memoir Dear America by Jose Antonio Vargas that explains in detail how undocumented citizens have no path to citizenship. It’s a horrible limbo to live in.

It's a Kafkaesque nightmare.

As an educator, you see students do everything they are supposed to in school, yet as adults these same students are denied the right to get work that uses their talents and training. It's like the state NEEDS undocumented people to do the dirty low paid work that we rely on to keep this country functioning, at any  human cost. All the comforts I as a white person have white are based on this system of inequity and emotional violence.

A Conversation with America

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A Conversation with America

Oh, America! You are the land of dreams,
but why are you not including me?

Your fertile ground is where seeds are sown,
but my crops of dreams have never really grown.

America, do you know your history?
Can I share mine with you? Well, you see, it has some misery.

I came on a hot day in 1998.
I marched across the line with twenty-five others, though it was not a parade.

I snuck into your house-by no fault of my own.
At ten years of age, all I could do was follow my mom.

On my first day of school, fear was my guest.
You see, America, your language caused me distress.

A prestigious math program denied me acceptance in the seventh grade.
Their excuse, they said, "Lack of a nine-digit number that represents your name."

At twelve years of age I discovered what my future would be like:
A fight, just to get a slice of the American pie.

Even with all my wit and fighting will,
this fight has left me scarred and emotionally ill.

So, America, I shall continue my story of my struggle in your land.
Five years later, in 2005, my situation hits me hard, and I'm left with no plans.

Sadness, fear, and depression make my body their home.
After many years of hard work, I finally dropped the ball.

UCLA, Stanford, and Berkeley-are just some of the names I hear my classmates speak.
Even when I graduate 19 out of 918, these places are not within my reach.

But, your history instilled something in me, and now I will take the chance to highlight this:
Those that fight and endure the pain can achieve!

So, America, even though I did not go to UCLA, Stanford, or Berkeley,
I picked up the ball and enrolled at Evergreen.

With a lot of dedication and sleepless nights,
I attended three community colleges-all of them at once.

You see, America, there is something that you teach us right:
If you work for what you want, like a bald eagle, your goals will take flight.

So, two years after that horrible time in 2005,
my heart was strong and ready to endure this fight.

That's when Santa Clara University opened up its doors to me.
They said, "Emmanuel, you will pursue the American Dream!"

America, it's true that I've done a lot and you are right to ask me why I complain.
So, just for you, I'll fast forward to the day I felt the most pain!

It's October of 2011 and I get a call;
it's the voice of a woman who asks me if I'm free to talk.

She represents a company named T.Y. Lin.
In my eyes, it's the Google of Structural Engineering.

She sets an interview in San Francisco for me on the following morning.
I'm still in shock; my biggest dream is finally forming.

America, what can I say?
They liked me so much they offered me the position the same day.

This job was my calling and I knew they would not understand,
so I did the unthinkable and wrote nine numbers with my right hand.

For a week I lived the life that was meant for me.
I worked in San Francisco, in an office building, on Embarcadero that faced the Bay Bridge!

The lie finally caught up, though, and I had to come clean.
So, I told my manager very early on the next morning.

Together we walked to H.R. and not a word was said.
It was obvious that we both felt the awkwardness.

With my future depending on what was to happen next, I sat in front of her big desk.
I explained to her what I had done, but there is no way to beat ignorance.

"You need to leave immediately!" she said.
And just like, America, my dream was dead.

America, for a week I reached the pinnacle of success.
So I hope you understand now why I am a little bit upset.

If it's true that you are the land of dreams.
Please, answer, why do you refuse to include me?

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A Conversation with America Oh, America! You are the land of dreams, but why are you not including me? Your fertile ground is where seeds are sown, but my crops of dreams have never really grown. America, do you know your history? Can I share mine with you?

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Many of these videos/poems/ and writings were beautiful because they are from a personal experience. I love hearing the young people say their words to try to explain their worlds. I really loved and shared on my FB account, the "A Conversation About Growing  Up Black" which was a video of young Black men/boys telling their stories. I am always struck about the disparity of opportunities and treatment between whites and BIPOC. It is so moving because these are normal kids/young men; they could be your sons. As a mother, what would I teach my sons? I would be their mother and warn them and prepare them. I would think of other countries to live in. Are any better than this country?
Another story/video was "Driving While Undocumented". As a high school teacher of ELs, it is common knowledge which towns have the most vigilant police about drivers of color. I give them the space to discuss it among themselves so that they have the knowledge. Ridiculous, right? But so true that they need to know that some police will stop you, not the white teen boy, as they drive through a town. These two stories affected me because I know these students. Not particular students, but I know how their lives are affected by our culture. It is good for them to have a voice.

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"A Girl Like Me" was surprising to me. As a woman, I think all females feel pressure to look a certain way. We have an idea of what "beautiful" is by what we see on TV or in magazines. I see tall, skinny, long blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect make-up, no wrinkles, etc. as being "beautiful". After watching this video, it never occurred to me that these women are usually all white too. From a woman of color's point of view, the pressure is even more real. They feel that their is a certain beauty standard that can only be achieved with straight hair and light skin. These are not things that can be easily changed with a little make-up or a curling iron. These are body altering standards that can't be easily achieved. The pressure is so real that parents are even attempting to lighten their children's skin, which I have never heard of. What stuck out to me even more was the doll experiment. It broke my heart to see beautiful and innocent boys and girls of color chose the black doll as being the "bad doll" and the white doll as being the "good doll". In all, 15/21 chose the white doll as being the doll they would prefer to play with. I can't imagine the pressure that even these young children are facing.

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I purposely chose writings by students with an asian looking last name.  The A B is an Asian F and Letter to Lexington affected left me with the deepest thoughts.  For A B is an Asian F is because in my classes sometimes 2/3 of the kids are asian.  Most of them are obedient, hard working, intelligent. thus I never really think that they often struggle.  I think I don't always see how hard they also have to work to get that A even though they are come mandarin speaking households.  This article is really a good reminder for me to check on them and to acknowledge the effort and time they put into the course, and most importantly to proactively offer them help.  "letter to Lexington" was written by one of my former students.  What he said in the letter really struck me as I have never heard him expressed any of the thoughts/opinions in person.  Also, as his teacher I think I never thought/expected less of him simply because of his skin color.  

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I purposely chose writings by students with an asian looking last name.  The A B is an Asian F and Letter to Lexington affected left me with the deepest thoughts.  For A B is an Asian F is because in my classes sometimes 2/3 of the kids are asian.  Most of them are obedient, hard working, intelligent. thus I never really think that they often struggle.  I think I don't always see how hard they also have to work to get that A even though they are come mandarin speaking households.  This article is really a good reminder for me to check on them and to acknowledge the effort and time they put into the course, and most importantly to proactively offer them help.  "letter to Lexington" was written by one of my former students.  What he said in the letter really struck me as I have never heard him expressed any of the thoughts/opinions in person.  Also, as his teacher I think I never thought/expected less of him simply because of his skin color.  

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Everything that I read was eye opening and informative, however the theme that resonated the most was fear.  Unlike Nadia, I don't know what it is like to fear a knock on the door.  Unlike Jordan, I am not a minority living in a predominately white suburb. Unlike Salsabel and Arshia, I don't feel fearful to walk down the street from my Church.
You read things in the news and it seems removed.  You read stories from kids and it is a huge dose of reality that is chilling and sad.
Maya's blog about growing up with White privilege was so spot on.  Something happens, there is a hashtag movement and then nothing changes.  I can't help but look to the poor examples of governmental leaders that we have in so many capacities who send messages of hate through the creation of awful laws and policies when the solution would be to spend that time and money on investing in our youth, education, diversity programs and other efforts to build up our communities rather than rip them apart with hate.  It is a scary world to view as a white person, I feel and fear for these young adults who have to navigate through life with a courage that I will never know.

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What I heard that affected me the most was the way all three of the pieces I examined, "Two Muslim Teens on Navigating Girlhood and Islamophobia in their America",  “ Head Up: Mouth Open '', and "The Awakening" all highlighted the importance of experiences that restored a sense of agency in giving students hope and comfort as they coped with microaggressions and more blatant xenophobia, racism, and Islamaphobia. Students all talked about the feelings of powerlessness they experienced not only when they were directly attacked but when they knew of attacks on others around them or of the same group. Having support from those around them helped, but it was also a crucial step for them to be able to see how they themselves could take action to try to change the political climate or offer protection and support to others. I think it is the inclination of adults in schools to look to how to try to do things to help a victim after an incident or to address the school community ourselves and it's not always in our awareness to think of how we could be providing avenues for students' own activism, research, leadership once other supports that address the more immediate needs have been met. In each of these cases, they were able to connect both with their own cultural identities and their growing American identity by participating in action that allowed them to make this country safer and more welcoming.

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The essay “ Head Up: Mouth Open '', written by a 13 year-old girl from Vietnamese refugees,  impressed me most. She speaks out against harmful stereotypes and blatant racism fostered by past American policies and propaganda.

She spent her adolescence trying to emulate the patriotism that her parents had, “Keep your head down. Do as you are told.” ” ... even if the white man shrinks us down to objects and leaves us to the dust, we must love this country like no other.” But after the white man left with the harmful stereotypes and labels to her, she angered and had the reflections that the Asian immigration shouldn't be stay silent for the injustice, they shouldn't keep  head down and do as the white are told. As she said, "Let it be known. Let it be heard. I am an American citizen. "

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I think the piece that affected me the most was "Welcome to the United States of America" by Krsna Avila. When he told his experience of going to college and still being labeled as a non-American, it was definitely shocking. In this moment, his peer makes a comment to him sarcastically, discounting Krsna's experience. While I am sure that the intention of his peer was not meant to be traumatic, as discussed in "The Physiological Experience of Immigration" these small comments can "grind away" at someone. I think that this was the most impactful to me because we do not often get to hear how these comments are continuous throughout an immigrants life. Even though Krsna had been in the US for 23 year, he actually still was not a citizen. This amazes me because I wonder how long his citizenship really loomed over every move that he made throughout his life. I could not imagine having such a looming thought over me as I continued to do everyday activities.

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Many of the pieces I explored were eye opening and at the same time I was able to relate to them as an immigrant and a person of color. One poem that really stuck out to me was "A Knock on the Door." While I did not go through this experience myself, I couldn't help but think about the fear and trauma that young undocumented immigrants go through and how this fear/trauma follows them into our classroom. I began to reflect on how I am making my classroom a safe and supportive environment but also in what ways I am building connections with their parents/guardians.

As I was watching "A Girl like Me" I had a mix of emotions -from anger to empathy to sadness. What messages has society embedded on our black and brown children that they have internalized and already think of themselves as "bad"? How can we break this cycle of oppression? I can start off by examining my own implicit biases and reflect on why I have assumptions about groups who are different from me. How did my own experiences, culture and values shape how I perceive the world and most importantly how my personal beliefs affect how I teach in my classroom? Lots of reflecting to do!

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"A Conversation About Growing Up Black" New York Times, 05/08/2015
These young men spoke about the risks they face in their everyday lives.  They were honest, thoughtful, and sincere.  They explained, "the way you are treated is not up to you" and "we don't have as many chances...so we need to be aware...we can't mess up."  These statements are still true today; nothing has changed in the past six years.  Hearing 10-year old Maddox say "I want people to know I'm not going to hurt anybody or do anything bad" is heartbreaking.  These children should not have such worries. The color of their skin affects people's perceptions.  Even with strong families and the desire to be respectful, these children are aware that having dark skin puts them at risk for being accused and targeted.  They are Americans and we should be celebrating the fact that our country includes people from a wide variety of racial and ethnic backgrounds. Within our schools and on the streets of our communities, all students should feel valued and respected.  The voices of these children must remain with us as we work to nurture the social-emotional development of children in our schools.

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The excerpts from A Girl Like Me affected me in a few different ways. This documentary was produced in the mid-2000s and I hear my black female students echo much of what the women in the film say about belonging, beauty, and self-worth. My black female students have told me how hard it can be to attend a predominantly white school and to hear that their experiences are so similar to those mentioned is hard--it makes me feel like much of the equity work that our district has tried to do hasn't had a huge impact on the ground level. The day to day experiences of many of our black female students hasn’t changed, which in my mind feeds into their engagement in their academics. Another part of the film that is so hard to watch is the part when the doll experiment from Brown v. Board (1954) is recreated. Seeing the young children of color choose the white doll as the nicest and the black doll as bad because of it’s skin color. At such a young age, these children have already started to associate color with being good/bad. It makes me reflect on how important it is to recognize color and acknowledge the experiences of our students and help to create safe spaces in our classrooms.

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Megan Fenneuff  “Suitcase”              Zulma’s experience of losing her brother to deportation is incredibly eye-opening and heart breaking. Just as she said, you can’t control where you are born. Her brother had been in the US since six months old and was deported back to Mexico as an adult. He was forced to leave his family and the only country he really knew. She spoke to the realities that some of my previous students have faced. One student in particular had to decide to leave to be with her parents, who were being deported, or stay with extended relatives to finish her last year of high school. Her family entered the country legally, but they couldn’t extend their visa or secure citizenship so were forced to leave. She made the impossible decision to leave with them because she couldn’t bare to be separated from her parents. This system of ripping families apart is just awful.

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Megan Fenneuff  “Suitcase”              Zulma’s experience of losing her brother to deportation is incredibly eye-opening and heart breaking. Just as she said, you can’t control where you are born. Her brother had been in the US since six months old and was deported back to Mexico as an adult. He was forced to leave his family and the only country he really knew. She spoke to the realities that some of my previous students have faced. One student in particular had to decide to leave to be with her parents, who were being deported, or stay with extended relatives to finish her last year of high school. Her family entered the country legally, but they couldn’t extend their visa or secure citizenship so were forced to leave. She made the impossible decision to leave with them because she couldn’t bare to be separated from her parents. This system of ripping families apart is just awful.

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"A Girl Like Me"
This video was extremely eye opening. I suggest that if you did not have an opportunity to watch it, to do so. Hearing the various black teenage girls talk about how they see themselves and other black people along with what people in society expect of them took my breath away. The part that affected me the most was the scene when the young black children were participating in a doll experiment. 15 out of 21 participants in that study preferred to play with the white doll and they identified the black doll as being "bad". Then, when they asked a child to pick which doll looked like them, they picked the black doll. Which made my heart ache for the children that they identified with a doll that they deemed "bad". As a society, we have to be patient with our children as they navigate who they are and what their culture is, including where do they come from or which traditions are the most meaningful and impactful for them? In sum, we cannot define who we think they are or should be based on what their appearances are because we should never judge a book by its cover.